Lightning Crashes
by Psvtiger
Summary: Bella makes the decision to leave Phoenix forever after a tragic accident. The cold numbness that has imprisoned Bella's heart begins to subside when she finds herself falling for the only person at Forks H.S. capable of tearing down her walls.
1. Phoenix Parting

_**A/N:**_

_I wouldn't have been able to get anywhere with this story without the help of two betas: Twilightzoner and Hannah81. Much thanks to both of them._

Disclaimer: I own nothing but a Japanese Chin that thinks he's part cat and part human. Oh, and the tweaks. I own the tweaks. All characters and familiar content of Twilight belong to SM. Also, lyrics are used quite frequently throughout this story. Any lyrics used belong to the respective artists - no copyright infringement intended.

**CHAPTER 1: PHOENIX PARTING**

_Lightning crashes, an old mother dies_  
><em>her intentions fall to the floor<em>  
><em>the angel closes her eyes<em>  
><em>the confusion that was hers<em>  
><em>belongs now, to the baby down the hall<em>

I closed my eyes and let the words and music of the _Live_ song flow through me for what seemed like the hundredth time. I had put it on repeat hours ago when I finally gave up my futile attempts at sleep. God, how could I sleep? The memories washed over me as I thought about the absolute senselessness that characterized these past two weeks. The phone call that started everything. The hospital. Phil collapsing. Honestly, it wasn't until I saw Phil slump to the floor of the hospital when the truth finally hit me. I heard the doctor's words, but I didn't let them register. How could they? He obviously didn't know what he was talking about. He had no idea _who_ he was talking about. Clearly, anyone who has ever met Renee knows how alive she is. Dead is not an attribute ever meant to describe her. But here he was - this _doctor_- saying those words to Phil and me as if his apologetic tone could ever forgive him for using such an undeserving word to describe my Mother - the woman was more full of life than anyone I had ever known.

The doctor had mistaken my anger towards his poor choice of words as anguish over his news. It would have been much easier for me to disregard the doctor completely had it not been for Phil. Phil, who was almost as full of life as my Mom, was now crumpled on the floor sobbing. It took a full minute of watching him like that for the pain that was radiating off of him to register in my brain. Something was very wrong. Why did Phil keep repeating "she's gone" through his sobs? She wasn't gone. She had an accident. People survive accidents all the time. Hell, I've had more accidents than I can count and I'm somehow still alive. If anyone should be dead from an accident, the obvious choice was me. But then I remembered the phone call. Something about Cave Creek Road. Her Toyota. A drunk driver. I had to admit, although some of my accidents have been pretty disastrous, none of them included automobiles.

_oh now feel it comin' back again  
>like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind<br>__forces pullin' from the center of the earth again  
>I can feel it.<em>

I hummed softly to the melodies. I didn't want to remember anything more from the hospital. That moment, when I finally let go of my denial and let the truth seep in, was too painful to think of again. The numbness that soon followed was much easier to recollect. The cemetery was a blur. I remember Phil asking me if all the plans he made were okay. After trying to get me to help him choose a casket, I finally told him that it just didn't matter to me, his choices with everything would be fine. In a way, I had always taken care of Renee. Now that I needed to take care of her in one final way, to lay her to rest, I couldn't find the will in me to do it. I didn't care about what casket she was in - why did it even matter? Phil's words crept up like bile rising from my stomach - but I couldn't let them out. I refused to say the words. No matter how much I protested, and despite not being able let the words leave my lips, I knew the words rang true. _She's gone._

I let out a deep sigh. Today was my last day in Phoenix. Phil assured me again and again that I could stay. He was worried about me. He thought my moving to Washington would be too much change to endure, and I needed stability now more than ever. But seeing Charlie at the cemetery decided everything for me. My Dad and I don't talk much. I haven't been to his home town of Forks in more years than I could count. I didn't want to move. I liked Phoenix. I liked the sun and the warmth. But I knew things would be hard on Phil, even harder if I stayed with him. I knew as soon as I left, he would flee Phoenix just as fast as he could. Somehow, I knew we both could benefit from a change of scenery. Not because I wanted to forget my home with my Mom or because I wanted to escape her memory - I could never do that. I knew my Mom's memory would stay with me no matter where I went. It was everyone else I wanted to escape from. The pitying looks from my teachers. The curious stares and whispers from my classmates. Going back to school that first day was suffocating. I called Phil to pick me up at lunch, and I haven't been back to my school since. I couldn't go back. It was then that I realized that there was nothing left for me here.

Phil called my name from the porch, and I slowly sat up. I had brought my Mom's quilt out to the backyard and was taking in as much sun as I could before I had to suffer the enveloping clouds of Forks. I got to my feet and walked slowly back to the house.

"I'm sorry to wake you, kiddo, but it's time." Phil truly did look apologetic. His eyes were just as bleary and bloodshot as mine, so I knew I wasn't the only one that was lacking sleep.

"It's okay. I wasn't actually sleeping. I put my suitcases in the trunk this morning, so I'll just grab my bag and I'll be ready."

I tried to give Phil a smile. I knew my face couldn't quite capture the right expression, so I looked down and hurried to my room to get my book bag. I picked my bag up off my bed and slung it over my shoulder. I took a long look at my room before I walked out for the last time. The walls were empty. I didn't have much in the way of decorations to begin with, but my walls had previously been plastered with pictures. Pictures of Renee and me. Pictures of Renee, Phil, and me as we slowly became a real family. I was still numb as I carefully peeled each of them off the wall. That was over two days ago. Now the walls were blank. It was almost comical how my room seemed to mirror the way I felt on the inside.

I don't remember much of the drive to the airport. Phil and I said our good-byes, and I found my way to the right terminal where I sat and waited. It felt weird being on my own. I knew Charlie would be meeting me at the airport in Seattle when I arrived, but for now, in this moment, I was alone. Despite the tragedy that plagued this moment, and the obvious pain that accompanied it, I also felt something else. Something I almost didn't recognize. As I boarded the plane and took my seat, I realized what emotion was coursing through me. For the first time in my life, I felt _free._

The feeling lasted for a nanosecond before the grief came in its place in a crippling blow. I let out a dull but loud moan as all eyes on the plane directed themselves to me. It hurt too much to feel self-conscious. That fleeting moment of feeling freedom, and what else? Relief? It ushered in a new emotion almost instantaneously in its wake. Undeniable grief. How could I feel happy - even in the slightest bit - about getting a fresh start, when my mother got nothing but a horrible end? After two weeks of keeping them at bay, I finally took advantage of not being around anyone I knew on the plane and let the sobs take over.

By the time we touched down in Seattle, I had little energy left to get me up and moving. I could feel all eyes on me as I hurried my way out of the plane and into the terminal. I found my way to the luggage pick-up and recognized Charlie standing in the corner. I gave him as big of a smile as I could muster as he grabbed my suitcases from the luggage carousel and walked me out towards the airport parking lot. We exchanged a few sentences. He asked me about my trip. I asked him about work. He nodded his head in the direction of the cruiser parked in front of us at that last question. Of course, we would be riding in the Chief's car. I sighed. I had a feeling being the daughter of the Chief of Police in a small town like Forks was going to get interesting. The ride to Forks went by faster than I thought it could sitting in virtual silence with Charlie. But I enjoyed the silence. Charlie never felt the need to fill up space with hot air just for the sake of comfort. Phil did. It was one of the reasons I knew I needed to leave Phoenix.

We drove through town and finally came to the house I suppressed from so many memories. It wasn't that I hated Charlie. I just hated Forks. I stepped out of the cruiser, drifting my eyes upwards to the sky as I stood up next to the car. I couldn't suppress the giggle that tumbled from my throat and lips. I'm sure it must have sounded more like a gurgling noise that a dying animal would make, because right at that moment Charlie whipped his head around and stared at me. I abruptly cleared my throat and pulled myself together. I felt the dampness creep in through my sweatshirt, which reminded me why I felt the urge to laugh in the first place and looked back up at the sky.

The sun was gone. Misty grayish-blue clouds took her place up above, and I couldn't help but get this feeling that this is the place I truly belonged. Just as the walls of my former room mirrored my feelings as I walked out of it for the last time, this sky that covered this entire place represented everything that currently filled my soul. Gloomy and cold - most people would hate a place like this - but for some strange reason people still lived here, despite the less than desirable weather. And now I was living here. I had never liked Forks. In the years that I remember visiting, I never related much to the people or the town they called home. Now, as everything inside of me was reflected in the clouds above, I realized it was probably the only place on earth that related so well to me. Like everyone else that lived here, it was now my home.


	2. Blunt Beginnings

**CHAPTER 2: BLUNT BEGINNINGS**

_"She's gone."  
>"Stop saying that!"<br>"Miss Swan - if there is anything you need..."  
>"She's gone... She's gone... Oh God, she's gone..."<br>"STOP SAYING THAT!"_

I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to face another day. It had been the same dream every time I managed to get an ounce of sleep. The doctor's voice slipping in between Phil's sobs as my brain started to comprehend the words...

No. I wouldn't think about that moment. It was always the hardest right after the dream, I have to push that memory to the farthest point of my mind and will myself to not think of it again. At least, not today.

Today. What was so special about today? I slowly blinked my eyes open and let my surroundings come into focus. Wait a minute - where was - oh. Right. Forks. Charlie's house. No, that isn't true anymore, is it? I let out a long sigh - this was now also _my_ house.

I looked around and took in my room. I barely glanced at it yesterday when I arrived. I noticed my suitcases neatly stacked in the corner by my dresser. The bookshelf on the wall across from the bed was much emptier than the one in Phoenix. It didn't matter. I doubt I'd ever really have the desire to read my favorites again anyway. My grandmother's old rocking chair sat next to the bookshelf. I looked away quickly when I realized my Mom's quilt was draped on its arm. The walls were fairly plain. It was hard to recognize the color - you could tell they hadn't been painted in years. Light blue, maybe? Charlie had said something about decorations - what was it that he was telling me yesterday? I shook my head in disgust. I must have been such a pleasure for Charlie to be around when I arrived. To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure he would even want me to come stay with him after all these years. After all, he had lived on his own this whole time. He never remarried. Never had any other kids. It made me feel a little guilty at how easily Renee seemed to move on with her life, and how easily Phil became a part of our family.

Stop it. Just stop it, Bella! I pushed both of their names from my brain. Thinking of Phil was just as painful as thinking of her. Thinking of him made me remember everything entirely too clearly - it had been his sobs to snap me out of denial.

I shook my head again. I was determined to not keep doing this to myself. The numbness that I felt after the hospital was so much easier to live with. I knew I would be able to get through this day - and possibly even this life - if I could just remain numb forever. There wasn't a single cell in my body that was ready to feel again. I doubted there ever would be.

I rolled out of bed and walked over to my suitcases. Numb or not, I still had to go to school. I found the outfit I was looking for in the first one, and grabbed my toiletry bag that was thrown the previous night by the nightstand. Charlie and I had to share a bathroom here, but it wasn't as awful as I imagined. For a guy, Charlie kept things pretty clean. I hoped that wasn't just for my benefit, because I knew he wouldn't be able to keep that up for long if that was the case.

I stripped off my pajamas and turned on the hot water. I let the steam fill my lungs as I took a deep breath before stepping into the shower. This had become my favorite part of the day over the last couple of weeks. I normally showered at night, but I realized that showering in the morning helped me to get through the day. The water was hotter than what most people prefer, and it instantly turned my pale skin pink. It stung a little, but that was okay with me - the burning water felt good. The slight physical pain somehow diluted the emotional pain and aided in the numbness settling in its place.

I quickly finished my morning routine fully aware that Charlie was waiting for me downstairs. The smell of coffee wafted upstairs just as I opened the bathroom door and walked back across the hall to my bedroom. I found my shoes and jacket, tossed my toiletry bag back by the nightstand and grabbed my book bag before heading downstairs. Charlie was sitting at the table reading the Peninsula Daily News. I had to stifle a laugh. This area had enough news for an entire paper? He looked up just then and in a low, hurried mumble started talking to me.

"Good morning. I made coffee. I wasn't sure how you took yours so there is an empty travel mug next to the pot. There is cereal in the cupboard. I'm not sure what kind of breakfast food you like, but I don't have much in the fridge right now. If you tell me what you want, I'll stop by the store on the way home. We have to leave in ten minutes at the latest. I have a lot of catching up at work to do."

He barely looked up from his paper while he rambled. It was the most words I had ever heard Charlie use in one breath. It felt weird.

"Okay. Thanks for the coffee. I'm not really hungry right now, so we can leave when you're ready."

I grabbed my coffee and looked back at Charlie expectantly. He was driving me to school today. He had mentioned something about getting me a vehicle yesterday, but I couldn't remember what he said. I didn't really care enough to ask.

We headed out to the cruiser and I immediately noticed that the weather hadn't changed since I got here yesterday. The misty clouds were still swirling above. The only difference was that now the clouds had managed to get much closer to earth - the fog looked like something from a horror movie. I shuddered as I slid into the passenger side of the car.

The trip to school was silent and quick. Forks High School and my first day were staring back at me before I was ready for either. Thankfully, I was able to avoid the inevitable stares in the student parking lot since Charlie drove straight to the main entrance of the office to drop me off. I mumbled a "see you later" and jumped out of the cruiser, walking briskly to the office.

The lady inside seemed nice enough. She knew immediately who I was without me even needing to open my mouth. I wasn't surprised. How often did they get new students here? I mumbled a thank you as I took my schedule and the school map from her. I took a deep breath and stepped out into the busy hall. I tried not to look directly at anyone as I studied my schedule and map. I wanted to find my locker first. My book bag was empty now, but I knew it would soon be too heavy to carry if I didn't know where my locker was to drop off the books that would quickly fill it. I stared at the numbers. 302 was in front of me. I needed 147. The locker to the left was 300, and the one to the right was 304. Okay. So this row was all even numbers. There weren't any lockers on the opposite wall which meant the odd numbers would be in a different hall. How frustrating! I didn't want to ask for help, but this map was useless. It only showed buildings and class numbers, not the lockers. Before I had a chance to find someone that I thought looked willing to help, a voice came from behind me.

"I bet you need help finding your next class. Isabella Swan, right?"

I turned around and saw him looking eagerly at me. His black hair looked like a shaggy mop on the top of his head, slightly covering his right eye, which was almost as dark as his hair. He was taller than me - but at my height that didn't say much - and his skin had slightly more tan to it than I expected for someone to have in a place like this. He looked like every other kid I went to school with back in Phoenix.

"It's Bella. And I'm actually trying to find my locker first."

"Bell-a." He smiled as he stretched my name out, "Cute nickname. I'm Eric. So, what number are you looking for?"

Cute nickname? I tried not to roll my eyes as I answered, "147 - I could probably find it if you could tell me which hall it is in."

He was nice enough. But people were staring at us as we talked, and I wasn't sure if it was just because I was new or if I was talking to him. I knew I could hurry through the halls much quicker if I wasn't handicapped by someone wanting to strike up a conversation about my cute nickname.

"No way! I'll show you the way. I don't have to go to my locker yet, so I'll stick around and show you to your first class, too." I sighed. I could already tell this was going to be a long day.

The rest of the morning went pretty much as I expected it would, being that I was the new girl in a small town's only high school. Luckily, Eric wasn't in any of my morning classes, but it turned out to be a disadvantage because his absence left me open for new people to take his place. Mike was the first of them. Mike and I had almost all of our morning classes together. The exception was History, and I had that class with a guy named Tyler and a girl named Jessica who seemed more than happy to ask me all the standard questions of someone moving from a big city to a small town. The questions that flew at me were so predictable, I was able to maintain my own effortless version of autopilot when answering them.

The bell rang for lunch and Jessica and Tyler jumped out of their seats and waited for me at the door. They told me before class that I would be sitting at their table during lunch. It really didn't matter to me. I would have much rather taken my lunch outside to sit in the sun like I used to do in Phoenix on the school's lawn. But there wasn't any point here. Everyone ate inside the lunchroom, and I would have brought more attention to myself if I tried to sit alone. Besides, this was Forks. There was no sun.

Eric and Mike were already sitting at the table when we joined them. Eric loudly introduced me to the rest of the table, and each time he said my name he said it the same stretched out way he did this morning.

"Bell-a - this is Lauren, Ben, and Angela. You already know Mike, Jessica, and Tyler." I glanced at each person as he said their names. Lauren had already launched into some sort of gossip as soon as we sat down, and she seemed more irritated than interested as she looked up at me at the sound of her name. Ben smiled at me before picking up a conversation with Tyler about some sport that I couldn't care less about. Angela gave me a genuine smile, and I couldn't help but return it. She was quiet - not engaging in the gossip that Lauren's volume was encouraging everyone to listen to. If I thought I could actually make any friends at this school, I had a feeling Angela would be the best candidate.

As I toyed with the food in front of me that I had no intention of actually eating, I suddenly felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I immediately became alert. Without even thinking, I looked up to try and see where the stare was coming from - I could tell there was someone boring a hole in my back. A quick glance around the table let me know that everyone sitting at my table or the tables spread out immediately in front and behind ours didn't occupy the culprit. As subtly as humanly possible, I turned my body to face away from the table so I could do a quick sweep of the rest of the lunchroom. It only took me a second to find them. _How could I have missed them when I walked in?_

Five of the most beautiful people I have ever seen were all sitting together at the table along the far wall. Either they were all related, or they were all exclusive members of the inhumanly gorgeous students club. Three of them looked old enough to be in college. The other two looked about my age, yet they seemed more mature somehow. The blonde girl had to be the most devastatingly gorgeous female I have ever seen in my life. The more I watched them, the more I realized that they couldn't be related. The blonde had wrapped herself around the bigger of the three guys. The other female, who had short spiky brown hair and a whimsical smile, was holding hands with the blonde boy. The younger looking of the boys grabbed my attention the second my eyes wandered to him. His jaw and facial features looked sculpted, and his body seemed very lean and angular. His hair was fascinating to look at - it was long on top and the color an almost unnatural hue of bronze. All five of them were mesmerizing to watch - they interacted with each other as if they were in their own little bubble and didn't notice anyone around them.

But, unfortunately for me, they did notice. Just as I had felt someone staring at me, two of them seemed to become immediately aware that they were being watched. Two things seemed to happen at once - the bronze-haired boy met my gaze with an incredibly fierce look on his face, while the pixie-like brunette looked right past me with a shocked look on her face. The blonde haired boy grabbed the girl's shoulders and pulled her around so I was now looking at her back, and the bronze haired boy continued to look at me like I had done something extremely rude to offend him.

"Bella - did you hear me?"

I heard Jessica's voice, but my face was glued into its current position. I was screaming at myself to look away and to stop looking at them, but his glare forced me into paralysis.

"Bella! Oh, my God. Edward Cullen is staring at you."

Jessica's words brought me out of my trance, and I immediately turned my body to the table and peeled my eyes away from the intensity of his harsh gaze.

"Did you say Edward Cullen? Who are _they?"_ I couldn't help but ask, although I tried to sound as uninterested as possible.

Jessica giggled. "Those are the Cullens. And Edward is still staring at you."

This was apparently much more interesting than Lauren's gossip because she suddenly became very aware of my presence at the table. "Wow. He _is_ staring at you. He doesn't seem to like anyone at this school, but I've never seen him look at someone like he actually hates them! What did you do to him?" She sounded more amused than sympathetic.

"I didn't do anything," I mumbled. _I've never seen him look at someone like he actually hates them._ Her words kept running through my head. Great. This was a _fantastic_ way to start off school. I left Phoenix because of the whispers, and now because I somehow did something to offend this guy I've never actually met, the gossip went from some science teacher's wardrobe malfunction to me.

The table started to empty as people picked up their trays and started heading out. I stayed in my seat, hoping that somehow if I sat there long enough, the table would defy all laws of physics and swallow me whole. Angela, thankfully, assured everyone she would walk me to Biology since she was in the same class, and she must have given them a look that told them to leave us alone. I was completely grateful. It took every ounce of willpower I could muster to not turn back around and check to see if _he_had unglued his piercing stare from the back of my head yet.

As it turned out, I didn't need to waste all my willpower on the effort, because Angela answered the question for me.

"He's gone, Bella." She smiled apologetically at me. Why did she seem sorry? I took the opportunity to ask the question I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to.

"Is that normal? I mean, for - you know - him to do that?"

I felt incredibly stupid as the words tumbled from my lips. Her apologetic smile returned.

"No. To be honest, they all pretty much keep to themselves. They're all foster kids of Dr. Cullen's. They just moved here a couple of years ago from Alaska. The blonde - Rosalie - she's with Emmet, the older and bigger looking of the three boys. Alice is the other girl and she's with Jasper - the blonde boy. And Edward - um, he's - well, you know which one he is - he's not with anyone." Before she could take a breath, she rushed to finish the sentence in a low whisper that only I could hear, "and believe me - every girl here has tried her luck with him."

My face must not have been showing the right expression, because she continued, "That's the only reason Lauren wanted to make sure everyone knew how he was looking at you. She was so embarrassed when he turned her down last year. It sort of takes the heat off of her, I guess. You know, since she never quite got that reaction from him."

I could tell Angela wasn't trying to gossip about Lauren and was merely trying to make me feel better. It wasn't working. I sighed. Knowing he wasn't behind me anymore seemed to release me from the table's gravitational pull, and we headed out of the lunchroom and went to class.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted. _Edward_was thankfully not in any of my classes. In fact, he made no more appearances at all throughout the rest of the day - not even in passing in between classes. I was not as fortunate with some of my other classmates. Jessica was in every single one of my afternoon classes. Angela, on the other hand, only had Biology with me, and she sat on the opposite side of the room. The bright side of that class was that I had a lab table completely to myself, which quickly made it my favorite period of the day.

The next day and the day after that went much like my first day, minus the lunchroom drama. _Edward_seemed to steal the idea from my head to take his lunch outside or else he wasn't eating at all -because for the rest of the week the seat he had occupied at his family's table was vacant. I tried to be happy about his disappearance, but I couldn't help feeling curious about it at the same time.

By the following week, I had stopped looking in the direction of their table altogether. My days were running together like I hoped they would. It didn't take long for my classmates to stop trying to include me in their conversations. I still sat at the same table, but thankfully the novelty of being the new girl wore off much sooner than I thought possible. Before long, Jessica and Lauren completely ignored my presence, and the only people that really acknowledged my existence were Mike and Angela.

Mike seemed to be operating under this notion that I would eventually come around and show some interest in him. I didn't care enough to tell him that he was literally waiting for hell to freeze over. Angela never really talked to me much after that first day, but she always had a warm smile ready for me when I sat down at lunch.

Weeks went by, and I couldn't tell the difference from one day to the next. My classes in Phoenix were more advanced than the classes here, so I found myself zoning out in every period. The numbness that I desperately craved was easily maintained throughout the day, and before I even realized it, I had been at my new school and my new home for exactly one month. I should have known the luxury of getting through each day in an unimpeded comatose state wouldn't last long. I should have known that I was not fortunate enough to meander through high school in a small town virtually unnoticed. As I suddenly became rooted to the cafeteria floor holding my tray awkwardly, I stood gaping at the Cullen table. I should have known that eventually _he_ would come back.


	3. The Stone

**CHAPTER 3: THE STONE**__

_Why did he come back?_

Panic sunk in before I even had a chance to think. I made my way to the lunch table, plunked myself down moodily and waited. And waited. It felt like an eternity went by with me staring down at my tray, pushing my food around. Surely someone would have noticed by now?

I took a deep breath and looked up from my tray to see if anyone was talking about it. Tyler, Mike, and Eric were all laughing about a practical joke they played on someone. Angela and Ben were talking quietly with each other about an English project. And Jessica and Lauren were engrossed in their usual gossip about something completely unrelated to me ... or _him_.

So maybe this meant him coming back didn't have to ruin my perfected way of life of going unnoticed. If he started staring at me again and causing me to become part of the Forks H.S. daily news I would seriously have to consider maiming him. Or moving. Moving wasn't completely out of the realm of possibilities. And given how uncomfortable I would be even getting near him, maiming was probably not an option. Moving was looking better and better.

_But I had nowhere else to go._ I let out a long breath that I didn't realize I had been holding and got up from the table. Angela looked up and I told her I'd see her in class. It didn't look like anyone else even noticed I was leaving lunch early. _Okay. Good. Looks like I'm still invisible. He didn't change anything by coming back._Making sure I didn't look in the direction of his table, I dumped my tray and headed to my locker.

I grabbed my Biology books and headed out to the classroom early. We still weren't covering any material that was new to me, so there was no point in opening my book and studying. I dug down into my book bag and pulled out my headphones and mp3 player. We technically weren't allowed to have them in school, but since I had the classroom to myself and I still had thirty minutes before class started, I didn't think I had to worry about getting caught by anyone. I turned up the volume to drown out the lawnmowers outside and snuggled my head in between my crossed arms on the lab table.

Rzeznik's voice was the first to come through the headphones. I squeezed my eyes shut and softly sang along to my favorite verse of _Black Balloon_:

_You know the lies they always told you  
>And the love you never knew<br>What's the things they never showed you  
>That swallowed the light from the sun<br>Inside your room  
><em>

_Coming down the world turned over  
>And angels fall without you there<br>And I go on as you get colder  
>Or are you someone's prayer?<br>_

It was incredibly odd how I allowed myself to feel the music. I spent most of each day finding ways to prevent myself from feeling anything, but as soon as I started listening to music, it seemed that feeling was _all_ I could do. But it was different somehow. I only listened to my mp3 player when I was alone. Having anyone around me when the lyrics and melodies shocked me back into the living world would have been humiliating. Even at home, I locked my bedroom door when I listened to my music for fear of Charlie walking in on me.

Of course, I haven't always been so paranoid. But ever since...well ever since the cemetery, I started breaking down into sobs while listening to what seemed like really innocent songs. When Phil caught me crying during a Beach Boys song, I knew I had to keep my music to myself. Not that I didn't have a valid reason. She loved Jimmy Buffett. And Buffett sings beach music. So why was it such a surprise when I was in hysterics after the first verse of _Kokomo_? Embarrassment seems to go together with me like mint and chocolate, but that awkward moment with Phil not having a clue as to how to comfort me was too much for even _me_to handle.

But I couldn't stop listening to music either. I already felt dead inside. My favorite songs seemed to be the only thing that ever gave me comfort, even if that comfort took the form of tears. I was deep in my thoughts, and completely oblivious to my surroundings when the end of the next song started involuntarily dancing across my lips:

_I need so  
>To stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close<br>And oh it weighs on me  
>As heavy as stone and of bone chilling cold<br>I was just wondering if you'd come along  
><em>_Tell me you will_

The tears streamed down my face as I choked out the last line. As soon as the last word left my lips I felt something cold and hard wrap around my wrist.

My eyes flew open. They were wet from the tears causing my vision to be blurry, but I would have had to have been blind to not see the amber eyes staring back at me.

He slid his beautiful fingers away from me and I saw his lips move before I realized I still had my headphones in and couldn't hear a thing. I quickly pulled the ear buds down and stuffed my player into my bag, wiping my eyes at the same time. I could only hope that my face wasn't as blotchy as I imagined it was.

My eyes found his again when I looked up, and I realized he was waiting for an answer to a question I didn't hear. "Um, what did you say?"

His perfectly shaped lips curled upwards into a faint smile. "I asked if you were okay." His voice was divine, but it was his sweet breath that lingered in the air between us that completely unhinged me.

"Uh, yea, mmm...sorry. I don't usually...I mean, I just ... thanks for waking me up." I was completely flustered. _Why couldn't I form a sentence?_His mesmerizing eyes didn't help me at all in the speech department.

"I'm sorry to wake you. But . . ." he paused as he looked away from me and glanced around the room. _No, please bring those eyes back to mine! God I want to swim in those amber pools!_"I thought maybe you'd want to be awake before everyone came in."

He finished his sentence and answered my silent plea by bringing his focus back to me. I didn't trust myself while locked in his gaze to form a sentence, so I opted for a quick and breathless, "Thank you," hoping he would know I really meant it.

As soon as I voiced my gratitude, I let my surroundings come back into focus. Edward literally saved me from a horribly embarrassing moment. If he had pulled me out of my daze a minute later, at least half the class would have witnessed my painfully inadequate rendition of the last verse of my favorite Dave Matthews song and the waterworks that went with it.

I was already feeling the heat creep up my neck when I realized that _Edward_ witnessed it, and that was horrifying enough. I glanced back over at him. He was sitting next to me. In Biology. _He's my lab partner? Wait - that meant he didn't just disappear from the cafeteria - he's been gone from school for a whole month?_He turned his head back towards me and gave me a tentative smile. "Are you sure you're okay?"

_Nope. Definitely not okay. I'm so horrified I want to switch places with the frog I dissected last week that you weren't here for, because you mysteriously dropped out of school for a month!_

"Fine. Thanks. Um, Again." _Stop talking Bella. You sound like an idiot._

I tried to flash him a grateful smile as more of our classmates poured into the room. As soon as I had time to think about what happened in the last two minutes, I grew extremely uncomfortable next to him... and confused. What did Lauren say last month? _"I've never seen him look at someone like he hates them."_ I tried to take a peek at him from the corner of my eye. He looked back at me with a smile. _Where was the look of disdain?_He did look like he was uncomfortable though. Actually, the more I studied him from the corner of my eye, he looked like he was in downright pain. He didn't even look like he was breathing. His fists were clenched, turning his already pale knuckles even whiter. His body was so rigid,l he looked more like a stone statue sitting next to me than a human being.

"Are _you_okay?" I couldn't help but ask the question. He definitely did not look okay.

His body didn't relax, but he returned the smile to his lips as he looked at me again and gave a nod. It was obviously the only answer I was getting from him.

The rest of the class was strange, to say the least. The way he kept his focus on the front of the room hinted that he wasn't open for a conversation in the middle of class. But I couldn't help but feel completely distracted by his proximity. Every time I dared look at him from the corner of my eye, his body was in the exact same position as before. After an hour of watching him like that, he caught me completely off guard when he shot up at the sound of the bell and bolted out of the class. _Did that really just happen?_

I stuffed my books in my bag and got up from the table. Mike was waiting for me by the door like he always did after Bio. I gave him my standard nod of acknowledgment as we headed towards the gym for my least favorite part of the day.

Mike didn't say anything about Edward coming back. We rarely talked about anything significant on the way to gym, mostly because I maintained a level of non-responsiveness with Mike in order to keep him from getting his hopes up about us. He offered me a ride home like he always did after gym, and I thanked him for the offer but told him I'd rather walk like I did every day for the past month. I had to wonder if he'd ever stop asking.

Charlie had been dropping me off every day for school. But in the afternoons, I convinced him the mile and a half walk home was good for me. I told him I needed the exercise since I usually voluntarily benched myself during any activity in gym. The truth was, I enjoyed the time alone. Charlie left me alone a lot at home, but it wasn't the same. Walking home from school gave me comfort - it made me feel stronger for relishing the solitude and for being able to put one foot in front of the other without buckling from the weight of everything I felt on my shoulders. It made me feel free.

Today was a typical Forks afternoon. The clouds above me came to life as they sprinkled their contents to the ground. The old Bella would have shuddered at the cold, wet weather. It made me smile. I hated the circumstances around the change, of course I did, but a part of me also felt the change in me was a good thing. Most people didn't agree. I liked darker themed movies. I absolutely refused to watch tearjerkers. My old favorite books were growing dust, and I, Isabella Swan, actually enjoyed the rain. My so-called friends in Phoenix thought I was depressed. I was pretty sure Charlie thought the same thing. I didn't know how to explain it, but even though I knew I had every right to feel depressed, I also knew that wasn't the right word for it. To me, depression was a sickness, an affliction that could (and should) be treated. I knew the signs of depression, and I also knew that although I shared some of the key symptoms, it was more than that. I wasn't depressed. I was just...damaged. Even that wasn't a good enough description - it implied I could eventually be fixed.

But I didn't want to be fixed. I didn't think I could be anyway. However you wanted to describe it, what I was feeling wasn't temporary - and that much I was sure of. It was a personality shift. I had changed. And it felt very permanent. And why was that such a bad thing?

I was walking slower than usual. When the sidewalk ended temporarily at the point where I needed to use the crosswalk to get across the road in front of me, I took the opportunity to close my eyes and tilt my head upwards, letting the rain fall on my face. I smiled as each drop kissed my face. _Why was it such a bad thing to suddenly enjoy the rain?_

I heard an engine purr next to me as I slowly brought my head down, opening my eyes to see the car that stopped next to the sidewalk. The passenger side window of a silver Volvo slid down, and I heard his voice before I saw him behind the wheel.

"You are getting soaked. Do you want a ride?" Did I imagine his voice purring in unison with his engine?

"Nope! I'm not really getting that soaked, and," I looked back up at the clouds and smiled, "I kind of enjoy walking in the rain. But thank you!" I hurriedly added the last part so he didn't think I was being

_rude._

He smiled and nodded before disappearing around the corner. I noticed the crosswalk light and hurried across the road before resuming my stroll down the sidewalk on the other side. I was still smiling before I realized what I had just done. Did I just turn down a ride from Edward Cullen? I sighed. I might have thought he hated me before today's class, but I couldn't deny how remarkably good-looking the boy was. "Good-looking" was actually an insult to his god-like features. And he offered me a ride. I couldn't prevent the goofy smile from plastering itself on my face.

**Chapter End Notes:**

The songs: Obviously the first one was _Black Balloon_by Goo Goo Dolls.

The second is _The Stone_ by Dave Matthews Band. If you haven't heard it, I HIGHLY suggest taking a listen. There is a great acoustic version on youtube from Dave Matthews' appearance on the Charlie Rose show that happens to be one of my favorite versions of the song.


	4. Stairway to Heaven

**CHAPTER 4: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN**

"Dad? Why are you home so early?"

As I closed the door behind me, I realized that the house was completely dark and silent. When Charlie was home, he always had the television on - if for no other reason than to provide background noise. I looked back out the window and looked up and down the streets as far as I could. What was his cruiser doing in the driveway, if he wasn't actually home?

Before I had a chance to look around for a note or some sort of explanation, I heard a really loud rumbling that sounded similar to thunder getting closer and closer to the house. I peeked out the window to see a red beat up truck pulling into the drive next to the cruiser. Three heads were bobbing up and down as the driver must not have seen the small dip in the gravel that he just parked the truck in. It looked like the three of them were all laughing at this - Charlie's head distinctly on the far left.

I opened the door and walked outside to see what was going on. The driver side opened and a guy who looked about my age jumped out of the cab while Charlie helped out the man that had been sitting in the middle. I noticed he was helping him into a wheelchair that Charlie had grabbed from the bed of the truck. They were all still laughing about the guy's driving when Charlie finally realized I was standing there.

"Hey, Bells! Good - you're home!"

Charlie proceeded to introduce me to the two people he brought with him. Billy Black, a name I definitely remembered from my childhood, waved to me before pushing himself forward to get inside the house. Jacob was Billy's son, and the driver that was still laughing at Charlie's teasing comments. Apparently, he wasn't quite sixteen yet and Charlie was giving him a hard time about his driving.

"Aww, come on, Charlie! I drive on the Res all the time! I know I'm not _that_bad!" He said this while flashing me a really wide (and really beautiful) smile.

"I don't want to know about all the illegal things you do on the Res! Just be glad I like you or I'd have your license suspended before you even had your picture taken!" Charlie was clearly joking with Jacob, who just kept laughing.

Billy finally spoke up, "Now you wouldn't do that to me, Charlie! Jacob here is the only way I manage to get around anymore! And what would you do with yourself if I didn't have a way of bringing Harry Clearwater's famous fish fry over to you?"

Charlie obviously found this amusing - "You're right old man - I'll have to find something else to hold over Jacob, because I definitely need Clearwater's fish fry!"

This time Billy seemed to notice me standing there because he brought me into the conversation, "Charlie, aren't you going to explain to your girl here about this truck? Or do you need me to supply explanations too?"

I had been politely smiling through all of their playful bantering, but the truck comment definitely made my face take on a look of confusion.

"Bella - that's right, I almost forgot to tell you what I'm doing here so early. Jacob here has been restoring the engine on Billy's old truck, and Billy thought this might be the perfect vehicle for you. I have to admit, one look at it, and I agreed."

He paused when he said this to look at me in a concerned way, "So I went ahead and bought it off of him. I thought it was time you had your own vehicle."

I must have had a look of shock on my face, because it was Jacob that spoke up. "I know it doesn't look like much, and is probably a little louder than you'd like, but it runs great! And if you have any trouble with it at all, you can always call me and I'll get it back running, no problem."

My face must have shifted from confusion to panic at Jacob's speech because he quickly finished with "But I'm definitely positive that won't be necessary - honest, it runs great." He flashed his winning smile at me again.

"Seriously?"

It was all I could say as I looked at Charlie. His choice of words and his concerned look hadn't escaped me - I knew why he thought this truck was perfect for me. I could probably drive this truck into a brick wall at 100 mph and do little damage to its body, and _my_body, more importantly. Okay, well, maybe not quite that - but I honestly couldn't foresee an accident that I wouldn't survive, and I was pretty sure that was where Charlie's mind was going. He must have noticed that I hadn't been in a hurry to drive since I've been here.

"Yea, seriously. Look, I don't mind taking you to school, and I know you don't mind walking home, but Bells, I don't want you to feel like a prisoner. You should have your own wheels - you know, for going out and having fun with your friends. Responsibly, of course."

I had to laugh at that last part he threw in there. Isabella Swan was a lot of things, but irresponsible was never one of them. Charlie smiled at my laughter, and I realized it was probably the first time he had seen me do that since I've been here with him. That thought made me kind of sad and killed my amusement almost immediately.

Before I could let myself get too serious, I gave Charlie the best smile I could muster and thanked him genuinely for the gift. And it really _was_a cool gift, I had to admit. If I wasn't feeling a bit irrationally when it came to being behind the wheel (or to be honest, even sitting next to the wheel - Charlie was the only person I felt safe in a car with), I know I would have really gave the truck and Charlie the much deserved appreciation I seemed to be unable to generate in this moment. Trying to show excitement that wasn't entirely there, I asked Jacob if he'd mind riding with me around the block a few times to make sure I knew how everything worked.

Charlie and Billy went in the living room, turning the TV on right away, making themselves comfortable while they heard Jacob agreeing to my request. I told Jacob to grab himself a soft drink or something while I went upstairs to change. As much as I enjoyed the rain, I didn't enjoy the effect it had on my clothes. While my walk home now seemed like hours ago, my very wet clothing reminded me I just walked through the door about ten minutes ago. I quickly grabbed a dry outfit from my dresser and sprinted across the room and out the hall towards the bathroom, hoping the faster I got dressed and left with Jacob, the more excited I would seem about the truck for Charlie's sake.

That would have been a great plan, had it not been for my running late this morning and forgetting to throw my toiletry bag inside my room, and instead hastily dropping it outside the bathroom door next to the steps. I had almost made it to the bathroom when my foot caught on one of the straps of my bag. I instinctively reached out to steady myself, but instead of hand meeting wall, my hand met air, instantly throwing me off balance in the direction I was reaching - which, unfortunately for me, was the empty air in the stairwell. I saw what was about to happen in my head before I actually felt my body pitch forward. I felt my wrist buckle under my body on the edge of one of the stairs before I felt my head getting knocked into the railing - and then my face into a step - before finally coming to a stop at someone's outstretched hands at the bottom of the stairs.

"Bella! Oh my God! Are you okay?" The question came from Jacob and Charlie who were both hovering.

I tried speaking, but it must have come out as something unintelligible, because no one seemed to be listening. Charlie was telling Billy something about Jacob and him taking the truck for now. I was being carried out of the house, despite my efforts at requesting I change my wet clothes first. Charlie mumbled something as he started the car and cranked the heat on full blast for my benefit.

My head hurt a lot. My wrist hurt even worse. _Ugh, I'm such a freak of nature._I went a whole month without any real mishaps. I mean, sure, it had only been six months since my last ER visit, but I was doing good here - I only dropped my books once in school, and only walked into an inanimate object twice. That had to be a record. I wanted to protest about the ER thing - surely there was a small doctor's office open in this town somewhere at three o'clock in the afternoon? I knew Charlie was on his way to the hospital because I had finally realized why my head was pounding even harder now that we were in the car - Charlie was using his stupid siren.

"It's definitely broken."

A very young and very good looking doctor came walking towards us holding my x-rays. I bet patients immediately were comfortable with him - he looked like a doctor you could trust just by the color of his skin. Something has to be said for a medical professional that spends so much time in his working environment that it looks like he's never seen the sun. Instinctively, I knew that probably wasn't the case. Before even being introduced to him, I had a pretty good feeling he was the same doctor that adopted Edward and the rest of the Cullen kids at school. I still couldn't understand how they all looked different, yet so very much alike. It was fascinating.

My assumptions were proven accurate as soon as Charlie spoke, "Dr. Cullen! Good to see you again. I'm not surprised about the wrist, but I'm more concerned about her head." Charlie was talking about me as if I wasn't sitting on the bed right next to him. It was one of those things that really tended to annoy me.

"My head's fine. It's just sore is all."

I tried to look as pain-free as I could. Dr. Cullen wasn't fooled.

"Bella, you took quite a spill."

He shook his head and started lightly probing my face and head with his cool fingers. "A whole flight of stairs. I'm actually surprised there isn't more damage. You don't seem to have a concussion though. I'm afraid the soreness will be there for a while, as will the bruises." He skimmed my right cheek with his hands when he said this. "But, the good news is that you don't have any facial bone fractures."

I knew I must have bruises. I remembered my face landing on one of the steps during my graceful decline. But I hadn't had a chance to look in a mirror yet.

"Well, Chief Swan, it looks like it could have been much worse. We'll get Bella's wrist all fixed up and then get you guys out of here."

He smiled warmly at me as he patted my knee and walked over to speak with one of the nurses. Charlie left me alone while he went to go fill out the required paperwork.

"Bella?"

Oh. My. God. What was he _doing here_? Did I imagine his velvety voice purring my name in concern? _Yes. Of course I did._ I closed my eyes. Could this day _get_any worse?

"Hi, Edward."

I spoke his name before I opened my eyes to see him standing there.

"Bella - what _happened to you_?"

Okay - I wasn't imagining the concern in his voice. But then again, he was a doctor's son, and I'm quite sure I looked rough enough to warrant that tone from anyone familiar with the medical field. His eyes were searching my face. As much as my body hurt, I couldn't help but feel completely grateful for that stupid truck and my need to show Charlie I could be excited about it. If it hadn't been for that, I wouldn't have this beautiful, god-like creature showing concern..._for me._

"I fell down a flight of stairs."

_I fell down a flight of stairs?_ I couldn't come up with anything a little cooler than that? Something about Edward gave me diarrhea of the mouth. I was already uncool enough to have him handicap me further that way. It just wasn't fair. _And is he still burning me up with his concerned stare? Oh - wait, he must be expecting me to say something else._

"It's not as bad as it looks. No head trauma." I tried to give a smile as I said this, but it came out as a wince as the pain from my cheek flared up at my action.

My breath caught in my throat as he reached up and brushed his fingers ever so delicately across my cheek. He had a look of complete tenderness on his face as he brought his hand down my face to cup my chin.

"Try not to do any _more_damage tonight, huh?"

As soon as he said it, he dropped his hands from my face and took a step back.

"I have to go talk to Carlisle about something, but I'll see you in Biology tomorrow, okay?"

I couldn't believe that as quickly as he showed up, he was planning on leaving again. Then I remembered tomorrow we wouldn't have Bio - the Juniors were splitting up in two groups - a morning group and an afternoon group - and visiting the Forks Timber Museum for a project all the Junior History classes were working on. I tried to keep myself from smiling when I remembered that he was in Angela's history class - and she and I had already talked about the trip last week when we found out it was our two classes that were pairing up for the afternoon shift.

"Yea - actually - you won't see me in Bio. Remember the field trip is tomorrow!" I really hoped my voice didn't betray me. I didn't want Edward to know just how much I was looking forward to seeing him for more than just our hour in class.

"That's right! Well, see you then!"

He flashed his bright white smile at me as he turned and walked down the corridor. I wasn't sure why, but his smile sent a shiver down my spine.

I didn't want to feel anything towards Edward. I knew he was just a genuinely nice guy, and after meeting Dr. Cullen, I completely understood where he got it from. It was weird that the rest of the student body didn't see him as compassionate and warm. As I remembered from the first day of seeing him with his family, I understood why my classmates thought they were standoffish. I still had a hard time comprehending the look of hate he apparently reserved just for me that day, and how suddenly that look had been replaced with one of concern for my well-being. I had a feeling his "lost" month might explain the mystery behind the change, and I suddenly became even more excited at the time I would be spending with him tomorrow. _Maybe, I'll finally get some answers!_

I tried to not let my constant lack of enthusiasm for everything creep into the anticipation I had for tomorrow. What would it hurt to feel a little excitement for a change? I never thought I would actually feel enthusiastic about seeing the Forks Timber Museum. It was starting to look like tomorrow might not be such a bad day after all - even with the cast and bruises.


	5. Interview With the Vampire

**CHAPTER 5: INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE**

The Forks Timber Museum was constructed in 1990 by the carpentry class at our school. It has become tradition ever since then for the Juniors to be assigned a project on the history of the logging industry. In reality, all of the students looked forward to the trip as their own version of a free morning or afternoon since the Internet made having to do research here superfluous. The museum is right off the 101, and right around the corner from school which makes it a convenient field trip for the teachers that only requires missing a half day.

Edward found me as soon as the two classes were turned loose to explore on our own. I was completely surprised when he just showed up next to me, and completely confused as to why until I noticed none of his siblings were in either history class. Him seeking me out made a little more sense once I realized he probably didn't want to walk around the museum by himself for the rest of the day, and I was the only student not adopted by the good doctor that actually talks to him. We wandered out to a bench in the memorial garden where I decided to sit down, hoping he'd sit next to me.

He didn't.

"So, are we going to say something other than just 'hello'?"

I looked up at him as I spoke. Standing just a few feet from me, he looked back at me and smiled. It was absolutely remarkable how incredibly handsome he was. I would compare him to a carved marble masterpiece by none other than Michelangelo himself, except it would be an insult to Edward. There just wasn't any good comparison to him.

"How was your morning?"

"Fun." I answered sarcastically.

"Ahh...so I take it you didn't enjoy the questions?"

How did he know about that? Great. That means that I've become gossip worthy of Lauren's big mouth and even Edward got wind of some of the rumors.

"Questions I don't mind. It's when people don't believe my answers that really starts to tick me off. Have you _heard_some of the rumors going around for how I ended up with a swollen cheek and a broken wrist?

He chuckled. It was the most melodic sound I ever heard.

"Yes. I've heard a few scenarios. So you don't mind questions?" His right eyebrow shot up as he looked at me with a crooked smile.

"Hmmm...I might regret saying this. No, usually I don't mind questions, as long as the goal in asking them isn't to provide a juicy story to the entire school."

"Is 'getting to know you' an appropriate enough reason for you not to mind?"

Sometimes I could swear his amber eyes had a little twinkle in them.

_Did he just say he wants to get to know me? Pay attention, Bella! Stop getting lost in his eyes and stop looking like an idiot!_

What do you want to know?"

Edward and I had been talking for about thirty minutes. We established two rules early on due to Edward asking deep questions and not wanting to answer any in return. We were each allowed just one "'pass" where we didn't have to answer a question asked - but we only had one we could use. The other rule was for my benefit - for every question he asks, I get one in return.

We were doing fine until he started asking questions about music.

"Favorite song of all time?"

"Lightning Crashes." I answered without needing to think about it.

"Lightning Crashes?"

His eyebrow shot up again as he asked it as a question.

"Lightning Crashes." I frowned and closed my eyes as I said the song name again.

"Explain."

"It's ... a long story." _Why did he want to know?_

"I have nothing but time."

I looked up at him hard this time - searching his face. Although he was still standing a few feet from me, I could tell he was much more relaxed than when we were in Biology yesterday. I had to wonder if it just had something to do with being in school. He was wearing a blue button-down shirt under a gray peacoat, his hands were in his pockets and he was looking at me expectantly. He honestly didn't look like he was just trying to kill some time or ask questions to avoid boredom. He was looking at me like he really wanted to get to know me. I felt my face grow hot once I realized this. _Why would he want to get to know _me_?_

I answered as cautiously as I could, hoping to not have to go into a full explanation,

"Umm, well it's the only song I can really listen to in front of people. And I kind of listen to it as a reminder."

"A reminder of what?"

_Nope. He wasn't going to let me off that easy. _I took a deep breath and forced myself to look away from him as I explained. _Here we go... Edward is going to see that I'm nuts._

_"A reminder that life isn't what people think it is. The song is in essence about the circle of life. An old woman dies while a new mother is bringing a baby into the world. But it's too clean. Too neat. The world isn't really like that. Not everyone lives a really long life. You can do everything you're supposed to, take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, be good to people - it doesn't matter. None of it __matters__. People say there's a circle of life because they want comfort in death. They want to know it serves some purpose. They want to believe that it's the way life is supposed to be. Which would be great - if the world actually worked that way, but it doesn't. There is no rhyme or reason to life. The universe is chaos."_

I paused, taking a brief second to look up at him to see if I lost his interest. He was still looking at me with an encouraging look to continue.

_"So I listen. I listen to the song and instead of making me cry, it makes me want to laugh. It makes me want to laugh because of how ridiculous it is. It's so funny to me that people have this idea of life only half right. People say all the time that 'life isn't fair' well - of __course__life isn't fair. Because there's no sense to anything. Things just happen. Bad things, good things - they just happen. It sucks, but that's the way the world works. It doesn't matter if you're a good person or a bad person - it has nothing to do with that - so how could it be fair? I just find it amusing that people understand that much about the world yet still hold a false belief of life somehow being circular - as if there's a way to understand the process."_

I said entirely too much. Why did I tell him all of that?

_No point in stopping now. Might as well tell him the rest__._

"And, to be really honest, I love the song because it's the only one I've heard that can make me feel angry instead of sad. And I'm so exhausted from being sad. I love the song because the anger and frustration it makes me feel mean that I'm feeling something other than absolute heartache. And the humor I hear in the lyrics help alleviate the anger and frustration I feel every time I hear it. Which makes it the perfect song to me.

_That's__why it's my favorite."_

I brought my eyes back up to him, knowing my face was in full Bella-red mode, and smiled a little sheepishly at him. The smile, of course, was half-wince as I was painfully reminded that this beautiful boy was talking to someone that looked like she was part of some Fight Club.

"I bet you're sorry you asked."

"Never. But let's try a different one, Beatles or Stones?"

"I honestly like them both, though I probably listen to more Stones music."

"You?" I had to get a question in here somewhere. Edward was going to end up breaking the rule if I didn't get in one or two.

"Mmm, I'm the same. I enjoy both."

"Favorite Stones song?"

The question came from both of us at the same time. I shook my head and laughed awkwardly out of one side of my mouth, and answered the same time as Edward -

"

_Moonlight Mile__"_

Now he was laughing.

"Seriously? Most people in high school right now have never even heard that song, and it's your favorite, too? Why?"

"No way. Your turn to answer 'why'!"

His golden eyes looked thoughtfully at me. It almost looked as if he was trying to decide to let me in on a little secret.

"Let's just say, I can relate to some of the lyrics in the song, which is somewhat rare."

I tried to replay the lyrics in my head, to try and understand what he meant.

_When the wind blows and the rain feels cold  
>With a head full of snow<br>With a head full of snow  
>In the window there's a face you know<br>Don't the nights pass slow  
>Don't the nights pass slow<em>

The sound of strangers sending nothing to my mind  
>Just another mad mad day on the road<br>I am just living to be dying by your side  
>But I'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road<p>

_I asked him to explain further and he just shook his head._

"Some other time, maybe." The he switched gears on me, "Favorite Beatles song?"

"Eleanor Rigby. You?"

_He chuckled out his answer of __Here Comes the Sun__before asking me why again on my song choice._

"I don't know - most people that like the song just like the way it sounds. I like it because the Beatles were well known for their ridiculous lyrics. But I think that song has some deep connotations to it. The old woman in the church is alone. In the end, people are always alone, aren't they? It's just another song about life not taking the direction you thought it would."

"You're a lot different than I expected you to be."

"You mean you were expecting someone normal and instead you got a closet head case?"

I tried to add a playful crooked half-smile, upturning the corners of my mouth on my good side, to my statement as a futile attempt to hide the sadness in my voice. I thought for sure Edward would never want to talk to me after this conversation.

"No. I mean I was expecting someone that is like everyone else. Someone that doesn't think beyond what their plans are for the weekend. Or who's currently dating whom. You

_are__ different, Bella. But in a really good and refreshing way. Even if you __are __a little depressing with your song interpretations."_

He was grinning now, and right then I knew nothing I had said bothered him.

_He's the one that is so different. Around everyone else I can stay in my perfectly constructed cocoon, but with Edward, he makes me want to open up to him.__I took his grin as an invitation to let the sarcasm come back in full force -_

"Just because something is a little sad or not as

_Here Comes the Sun__as you'd like it to be doesn't make it any less true. Most people would rather believe the happy lie than understand the truth - but not me. Give me the truth every time."_

I stopped to look around the Museum's memorial garden. It reminded me of how I felt when I'm in a cemetery reading the dates on the headstones. So many people die before they have a chance to really live. Right at that moment something made me want to tell Edward exactly what I think about when I'm in a place like this.

"Take where we are sitting for example. Well, where I'm sitting, where

_you__ are standing. It's a memorial garden for those that had their lives ended by doing their __job__, Edward. They were just doing their job. Some of these men weren't very old. A lot of them had families they left behind. I just think that if people honestly believe we all get to live to a ripe old age, sitting hand-in-hand with our soul mate on a porch swing somewhere, they're fooling themselves. That's not real. It's an ideal - but it's one that doesn't actually exist for most people. Someone always gets left behind. And __that's__ the truth."  
><em>

"Bella, it's understandable to feel that way, considering..."

He chose this moment - either because he knew what we were about to talk about or because I pointed out that he was still standing - to sit down next to me. I could have sworn my heart stopped at his movement toward me, but I gulped in a deep breath, looked away from him and finished his sentence for him.

"Considering my Mom was just killed in a car accident, you mean? Yea, I guess it makes sense that I feel the way I do. But just because I've been given a reason to see things the way they are doesn't make my observations any less on target. And it's not just with her. Even if people

_do__live it still doesn't mean they're going to live that life with someone they love. Look at Charlie for example. He never got over my Mom. All this time, and he was probably just as heartbroken at her funeral as Phil. I could see it. I still see it. Her pictures are everywhere in the house."_

I closed my eyes trying not to think back to that first day I really looked around at Charlie's place when I came home from school. She was everywhere - and even in places her pictures weren't, her personality was. It looked as if Charlie hadn't touched a thing since the day she left. It was one of the reasons why I enjoyed walking home so much - it felt better to be out in the open than in that house that felt like a prison of her memories. It was just too much to take.

"Do you want to talk about something else?"

I concentrated really hard on my left sneaker as I asked. I really hoped I wasn't scaring him away. He was the only person in Forks I've felt compelled to open up to. It made me feel a little raw inside, as if at any moment he could decide I wasn't worth getting to know after all and just walk away.

"You are fascinating."

I looked up at him studying me - his face only inches from mine - the breath he blew in my direction as he whispered his non-answer to my question hit me like a wave in the ocean. He was absolutely intoxicating. Without realizing what I was doing, I leaned slightly towards him and whispered back,

"Is that a yes?"

The electricity between us was palpable. I don't know why I did it, but having him that close to me, my eyes took on a mind of their own and wandered to his heavenly lips.

Edward took this as his cue to back up a little and stretch his arms before standing up, pretending to want to stretch his legs. I wasn't fooled. He had only been sitting for a minute, and I ruined it. He just wanted to get to know me as a friend, and I obviously got too close to him for his own comfort. To my relief, he at least kept talking,

"Do you want to try an easier one? Favorite color?"

"That's not easy. Blue, Green, Amber..."

_Like the color of your eyes._

"Which is it?"

"All three."

"What do you like about them?"

_Why was he not just happy with an answer? I honestly never thought this hard about some of the things I like and dislike. How can a person honestly care about why I like a certain color?__ One look back up at him told me __he__for some reason, did. I sighed._

"Blue and Green - to me, they represent life. I don't think of blue as being a sad color, actually I think it's quite cheery. Green is the color of everything here, and as much as I loved the brown of Phoenix, I have to admit the green is growing on me..."

"And amber?"

"It just...

_is.__ No reason." __No matter how hard you try to get this one out of me, I'm a vault._

"Why would you lie about something that silly?"

_How could he possibly know that?_

"What makes you think I'm lying?"

_"You're biting your bottom lip. You do that when you're nervous and I'm betting you do it when you're lying."_

_Change the subject, Bella, fast!_

"Hmph. I think you are

_way__past your question limit. It's definitely my turn."_

"Fine." To my relief, he was smiling again. "And what's your question?"

"Where were you this past month?"

His smile vanished.

"Out of town."

Okay, as much as I wanted to bring that breathtaking smile back, I knew I had touched on something that was possibly a little more personal for him. As much as he was finding out about me, I wanted to know more about him. And I was

_dying__ to know where he was for that month._

"You aren't getting off that easy. I gave you full out explanations - it's only fair to do the same for me."

"But you just said life wasn't fair." The playful smile returned.

"No, I said that people had life half right when

_they__ say life isn't fair - oh come __on__. Just tell me!"_

"Next question."

This time, it was my turn to plant my crooked half-smile on my face. I knew I was about to win this round.

"Can't. You already used your skip on something as silly as your favorite food."

I still couldn't believe he did that. Who doesn't answer a question like that? Is he too embarrassed to admit his favorite is his Mom's liver and onions or something equally gross? I was so shocked when he

_had used his pass on something so ridiculous so early in our conversation._

"

_Fine.__I went to Alaska to visit some relatives. I wasn't really sure I wanted to come back to Forks, but I really missed my family, so I decided that nothing could be that bad to keep me away from them."_

"What was so bad to make you want to leave in the first place?"

"It's...nothing. Favorite book?"

I let it go for now and let him change the subject. At least now I had an idea of where to take any other questions I asked the next time we had a chance to talk. I would eventually find out why he left. At least now I knew where he went.

"I don't really have one anymore."

"Anymore? Okay - what

_were__your favorites."_

"I used to read Jane Austen a lot - you can take your pick from any of hers. But

_Pride and Prejudice__was probably the favorite out of all of them. What about you?"_

This time he laughed out loud - loud enough to remind me we weren't in our own little bubble and that other students were around because now quite a few of them had turned their heads from where they were walking around to look at us.

"Mmmm, I guess right now I'd have to say it's

_Interview with the Vampire__."_

He found something about his choice in books very amusing, because he was still laughing as our teachers announced that it was time to get loaded back up on the bus. It was then that I remembered not seeing him on the bus on the way over here.

"Hey - how did you even get here? You weren't on the bus."

He raised his eyebrows and turned his head towards the parking lot, his eyes landing on his shiny silver Volvo.

_"I drove."_

Of course he did. He seemed to be the kind of person that could get whatever he wanted. He probably had a note or something saying he had to meet his Dad right after school and would need to leave straight from the Museum. I should tell him that if he wanted to have friends other than his family and me at this school, it might be helpful to not do things like that. But then, I kind of liked that he only had me to talk to when his family wasn't around.

"See you tomorrow, then?"

Suddenly I couldn't wait for a new day to start so I could have Bio again.

"Tomorrow."

As he turned and took a few steps towards his car, I said just loudly enough for him to hear,

"And Edward? Tomorrow's my turn. If my count is right, I still have about seven questions left!"

"I tell you what. I'll give you exactly seven questions that you can ask me tomorrow - and I even promise to not use a skip on any of them."

_He grinned and waved as he turned back around towards his car._

As I got on the bus, I didn't care about the pain in my cheek as I opened my mouth to a wide grin.

_Oh, I'm definitely going to make those seven questions worthwhile. You can count on it, Edward Cullen._


	6. Seven Turns Part 1

**CHAPTER 6: SEVEN TURNS, PART I**

I couldn't sleep. To even think I was going to sleep right now was laughable.

I got up off my bed and walked over to the door. I opened it slightly and listened for Charlie. I could hear the soft snores coming from his room, so I shut the door, turned the lock, and grabbed my mp3 player before flopping back down on the bed. I skipped through the music on my mp3 player before finding the song I had been dying to listen to since this afternoon. I half-smiled as Mick Jagger's smooth vocals flowed to my waiting ears with the familiar lyrics I now felt held a hidden clue to who Edward was.

_When the wind blows and the rain feels cold  
>With a head full of snow<br>With a head full of snow  
>In the window there's a face you know<br>Don't the nights pass slow  
>Don't the nights pass slow<em>

_The sound of strangers sending nothing to my mind_  
><em>Just another mad mad day on the road<em>  
><em>I am just living to be lying by your side<em>  
><em>But I'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road<em>

_Made a rag pile of my shiny clothes_  
><em>Gonna warm my bones<em>  
><em>Gonna warm my bones<em>  
><em>I got silence on my radio<em>  
><em>Let the air waves flow<em>  
><em>Let the air waves flow<em>

Okay. _Maybe_ he was an insomniac? _He didn't look tired though._ So, he loved this girl back in Alaska and he wanted to be with her but couldn't because his family moved here? But that doesn't make sense, because he said that he left here because something _here_was bad enough to make him want to leave - not that something in Alaska was good enough to want him to return. Maybe it reminds him of something about his adoption?

Ugh! I knew zilch about the guy, which meant this song could mean _anything_ to him. This is why most songwriters choose _not_ to tell you what a song means - or lie about it and come up with something ridiculous. Songs mean something different to each person that listens to them. _I'm never going to figure this out. I'm going to have to use it as one of my questions._But I really didn't want to do that. I wanted to try to figure the song out on my own so I could save those seven questions for other things.

Although I listened to the rest of the song, it didn't do any good. I couldn't help but find my own meaning in it which made trying to figure it out from Edward's perspective that much more difficult. I couldn't stop the tears from forming once I started letting the lyrics sink in. _The sound of strangers sending nothing to my mind_ - how could that possibly relate to Edward the same way? That whole verse always reminds me of the hospital. The doctors were strangers that were telling me things I refused to hear. _Just another mad mad day on the road_ - it wasn't just a mad day on the road, it was a mad day period, but even the road reference reminds me of what happened. _I got silence on my radio_ - this is such a literal translation it's hardly an interpretation at all. Aside from my Live song, I am too scared of how I might react to listen to music in front of anyone. _A head full of snow_ - a much more poetic way of describing the numbness I try so desperately to maintain.

The numbness. It's such an act. If I could _really_ feel numb, I wouldn't want to break into sobs every single time I thought about that day, Phoenix, my family, _her._ The family part was the hardest. I was never close to Phil, but now that our little trio had completely fallen apart, it was hard to not feel the loss of not just her, but of all of it. I didn't have to worry about her as much when Phil came along - and that meant I could focus on other things, more normal things. _Not that I ever did._I let out a long sigh and rolled over to my good side. I guess once you've secured your role as school "loner", by the time you get to High School, it's a little too late to try and worm your way into an already established group of friends. The friends I did have were more like school acquaintances - we never did anything together on weekends or at night - and I haven't kept in touch with any of them since moving here.

_Since moving here._ It's almost comical how I thought moving here would give me a fresh start. I thought things could be different. Maybe they could have if I didn't alienate all of my classmates from the first day. But as much as I want to feel normal for a change, I just can't seem to let myself do it. When I look at Jessica and Lauren, I have no desire to strike up a conversation with either one of them. I don't want to talk just for the sake of talking. I know I could be friends with Angela, but I almost feel like I'm doing her a favor by _not_ making the effort. She seems too sweet, kind, and _hopeful_. She doesn't speak badly about anyone - and my bitter cynicism of the way of the world, might be too strong for a person like that. I would feel awful if I was the person to take her optimism away from her. And at the same time, I would probably go postal if someone dared try and tell me "everything will be all right." It's the worst line anyone can ever give a person. You have absolutely no idea if everything will be all right, so that kind of stated reassurance feels like a cheap lie - and a damn annoying one at that.

But Edward was different. He wasn't a very normal person either. When I gave my song explanations, he didn't tell me I was wrong or try to get me to see a brighter side. He just let me say how I felt and just _listened._Yea, he noticed my interpretations were a little on the heavy side, but he didn't try to argue with me about them.

I put my mp3 player on shuffle after giving up on _Moonlight Mile_. Suddenly, I heard Dickey Betts mocking me. -

_Seven turns on the highway  
><em>_Seven rivers to cross  
>Sometimes you feel like you could fly away<br>Sometimes you get lost_

_And sometimes in the darkened night_  
><em>You see the crossroad sign<em>  
><em>One way is the mornin' light<em>  
><em>You got to make up your mind<em>

Right. _Seven Turns._ Only seven questions. Why couldn't he have just explained himself like I did during our conversation? I tried to replay his answers in my head, knowing they held the insight I needed to come up with my seven questions. Yes, I was being absolutely ridiculous by the amount of stress and pressure I was putting on myself to get these questions right - but this might be my only opportunity to really get to know him. And as desperately as I wanted to feel numb and not care about anything or anyone, _I really wanted to get to know him._

_Somebody's callin' your name  
>Somebody's waitin' for you<br>Love is all that remains the same  
>That's what it's all comin' to<em>

_Hey, yeah_

_Love. _Why did that word seem to slide its way into almost every song out there? If it wasn't in the lyrics it was somewhere hidden between the lines. I used to wonder what it was like to be in love. But now, I'm not so sure I really want to know. It just seems really depressing to care for another human being so completely and recklessly - only to have it ripped away by death, divorce, time, or just unlucky circumstance. Why is that so appealing to everyone? Because not everyone is a bitter cynic like me.

_Runnin' wild out on the road  
>Just like a leaf on the wind<br>How in the world could you ever know  
>We'd ever meet again?<em>

_Seven turns on the highway_  
><em>Seven rivers to cross<em>  
><em>Sometimes you feel like you could fly away<em>  
><em>Sometimes you get lost<em>

As much as I enjoyed listening to music while in full Bella-sour-skeptic mode, I couldn't help but wonder if the song might be on to something. I read somewhere that it was inspired by a Navajo belief that there are seven times in life where you will have to make a decision that determines your life's path. I know I made the choiceto withdraw from everyone back in Phoenix, and I made the same choice when I came here. But I really did feel like it was the only choice I had. Like someone being quarantined so they don't spread a deadly disease, I was trying to contain the poison inside my heart and head, and to not let it seep out to affect perfectly normal people.

I know that's why Edward intrigues me. He seems to be immune to my venomous mindset. I keep telling myself that's all it is. Yes, he is extraordinarily attractive, but it's the way he seems impervious to my less than desirable personality that makes me want to get to know him and makes me crave his attention.

_Yea, right. That's exactly why I wanted to get to know him._ Okay, maybe not. But it was clear by the way he got up from the bench when I was so close to him that he wants nothing more than friendship. And how could I argue with that? I don't wantto like someone that way. It's a road I'm just not ready to travel on. So, it's that much more perfect if he doesn't want to either.

_Somebody's callin' your name  
>Somebody's waitin' for you<br>Love is all that remains the same  
>That's what it's all comin' to<em>

__I drifted off to sleep thinking about Edward as the chorus repeated itself.

…...

This woman was seriously ruining my day. Mrs. Stone - the "Mrs." of her name displayed on the chalkboard implied she was married.

_Who would marry this __awful__ woman?_

Mr. Banner was out for the day - and to my horror - the most wretched excuse for a human being had taken his place at the front of the room. Despite my efforts at correcting her every time she called on me (which unbelievably was already four times), she insisted on calling me "Isabella" since that was the name on Mr. Banner's roll call. I made a mental note to have him change that as soon as he came back.

I heard chuckling next to me and I whipped my head to look at the source. Edward _freakin'_ Cullen was laughing at me again? I shot him my best "eat shit and die" look before returning my attention to the reason behind his outburst - Mrs. Stone had called on me again. _What the hell did I do to this woman, anyway?_

"Isabella - True or False. Adenine pairs with Cytosine."

Her voice was shrilly and laced with disgust. I hated teachers like her. I never understood why someone who obviously hated kids chose a profession where they had to be around them constantly. Her beady eyes were looking pointedly at me over her glasses.

"False. Adenine pairs with Thymine not Cytosine."

Her smile faltered, and I could tell she was hoping I wouldn't have the answer. She had stumped at least eight people in class with her impromptu hour-long verbal quiz, but not Edward. And thankfully, not yet me - though she seemed very determined to do that before our hour was up. Though she may not have succeeded in making me look bad in front of the class, she certainly managed to ruin my day.

The morning had gone by fast. I ate a quick lunch and practically sprinted to Bio hoping Edward would get there early again and I'd have a chance to ask him a couple of questions before class started. No such luck. Edward had walked in right before the bell, and right after Mrs. Stone waltzed in announcing we weren't doing our lab today since Mr. Banner was out and she would be quizzing us on what we've covered so far this year.

She managed to ask me one more question about RNA - which I answered without hesitation - before the bell rang signaling relieved sighs from half the class. I turned to Edward with a disappointed look as I gathered my stuff.

"Guess you're off the hook, huh?"

A smile spread across his face as he answered, "Don't look at me like that Bella! It's not my fault our substitute made talking during class a little impossible."

"A _little _impossible? Were you paying attention? Oh wait - you didn't have to. She only asked you one question."

I shot him another dirty look as I picked up my bag and started walking out. Edward was right behind me. "Well, _Isabella__, _I think she just wanted to make sure you were prepared for class."

He chuckled again before adding, "Or maybe, you just looked like a girl that used to pick on her when she was in High School and trying to get you to look less than intelligent in front of the class would have been a little bit of payback. Too bad you just couldn't let her have her justice."

I turned around and stared at Edward. Where I expected there to be a foolish grin, he was looking at me with a completely straight face.

_Was he being serious?_

"Why would you make that up?" I shook my head at him in disbelief and turned around to walk to gym before I was late. Before I could get very far, Edward mumbled just loud enough for me to hear, "Who said I was making it up."

It came out as a statement and not a question. I couldn't be entirely sure I was even meant to hear him. He didn't look at me as he passed by me and headed down the hall and around the corner. I watched him walk away with curiosity - I couldn't believe I was going to have to wait another day before I got my answers from him! I still wasn't sure which seven I would ask, but I had a few in mind and figured the rest would come depending on the answers he gave me to the few I had. After I watched him round the corner, I turned and headed in the opposite direction towards the gym - a class I no longer minded going to since I had a cast to get me out of participating. But I knew the rest of the day and tomorrow morning would go by incredibly slow knowing I had to wait until Bio to talk to Edward again.

...

"OW!"

The dodgeball painfully bounced off the right side of my face and was picked up and put back into the game before anyone even realized I started crying. God, I felt like such a baby, but damn it that really freakin' hurt! And what stupid high school gym class even plays dodgeball?Mike was the first to notice either me holding my face or the tears streaming down my face - I couldn't be sure - and yelled something to our teacher who didn't seem to want to be bothered.

"Geez, Bella - are you okay? I guess there's not really a safe place to sit when we play dodgeball."

"YA THINK?" I didn't want to scream at Mike - but he was the only target I had, and damn it,_ it hurt!_

He gave me a sympathetic look and asked me again if I was okay. Thankfully, the whistle was blown, signaling our play time was over and it was time to head to the locker room.

_Could this day seriously get any worse?_

I got dressed quickly and headed outside before Mike had a chance to catch up to me and ask me if I wanted a ride home. I knew he felt bad, and he might be more persistent today. And to be honest, I was pretty tired from my fairly restless night last night, and I might not have it in me to put up much of a fight on the matter. I really wasn't looking forward to the walk today, but it was better than being in a car with a teenager whose driving I didn't trust.

I started down the sidewalk and headed off of school grounds as quickly as I could. After I got far enough away from the school to be sure no one would be able to see me, I slowed down and just completely lost it. I can't be sure if it was the few tears in gym or the stress of keeping everything inside, but I just couldn't keep it together anymore. I was so tired of holding it in. I looked around to see if there was a spot close by where I could just break down without being seen, but there wasn't anywhere secluded enough. This just upset me more - can't ANYTHINGgo right today? The tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs, and I had to stop walking altogether to grab my knees and take a few breaths. I gave up trying to hold back, and collapsed on my knees - as far off the path as I could manage - and completely opened the flood gates.

I don't know how long I was sobbing on the ground before I heard his velvety whisper -

"Bella? Bella - come on -"

_Where the hell did he come from? WHY was he always around at the worst moment? _

I cut him off and forced out my best protest through sobbing hiccups - "Ed-ward - please, ju-st leave m-me al-one. Go A-WAY."

I would've loved to have been able to compose myself. But it was too late, and I knew I had been holding it in too long to stop now. I had to get this out of my system. It just really freakin' sucks my head couldn't wait until I got home to let go. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Flashes kept coming at me as the memories broke through the barrier I managed to put up these past several weeks. _My 8th birthday when Renee attempted baking my cake instead of buying it - it ended up sinking in the middle and we laughed saying it was a birthday cake replica of the Grand Canyon - something every Arizona resident should have for at least one birthday. A flash forward to the summer after sixth grade when Renee and I took a trip to Disneyland for the first time. She was squealing like a kid with her hair blowing in the wind as we tried to spin as fast as we could on the teacups. Another flash forward - this time I was thirteen, trying to explain to my Mom how to balance a checkbook and she smiled at me and told me how proud of me she was - her super smart kid who could do her finances better than she could. Our first Christmas together with Phil later that same year - she and I stayed up for hours on Christmas Eve eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking milk as we put together a homemade stocking for Phil so he'd have one on Christmas morning. A flashback - when I was about seven and came home from school crying because I tripped and fell down the bus steps as I was getting out - scraping my chin on the sidewalk. She hugged and kissed me and told me that someday I would grow out of my clumsiness, and even if I didn't, it wouldn't matter because it was just one more thing that someone would love about me._

My sobbing grew uncontrollable when I remembered the day of her wedding to Phil. When I was standing next to her - she looked so beautiful and happy - and she winked and whispered that she couldn't wait for the day when she would get to be Mother-of-the-Bride and see me all dolled up for once. I rolled my eyes at her and told her I'd have to marry someone that never expected me to get dolled up, because I was getting married in sneakers and jeans if I was getting married at all.

_How could she be gone? She's not supposed to be gone! She's not supposed to miss those moments!_

I felt a shock go through my body as Edward placed his hand on my back and made soft, soothing circles - but he didn't say anything. Why on earth was he still here? He just let me keep sobbing, not attempting to stop me, or shush me, or talk to me - and in that moment I felt immense gratitude for him being the one that was there.

I'm not sure how long we sat on the grass next to the sidewalk like that. Although I had no idea what time it was, I could tell it had gotten pretty late, because the cloud-covered sun was starting to set. I slowly started controlling my breathing so the sobs weren't coming out as strong. My stomach and ribs were aching with the effort behind the release. I wiped my eyes with my good hand and took several deep breaths. I tried standing up, but my body was shaking, and I just fell back into a sitting position. Edward noticed the movement I was attempting and stood up first, then slid his hands up past my elbows to lift me to a standing position.

"Can you walk?"

Concern was written all over his face, and it reminded me of how he looked at me in the hospital.

"Um.. yea - I, I think s-so." My sobs had finally stopped, but my voice was still incredibly shaky, and now uncharacteristically hoarse. I spoke with the strongest voice I could muster, "I'm sorry - you, you seem to always find me at the wrong time."

His golden eyes locked on mine, and he slid his hands from my upper arms up to the sides of my face, his left hand lifted off my cheek and brushed away the few strands of hair that were covering my face as he answered me, "I disagree. I think I always find you at the _right _time."

I looked away from him. I had to. Why did he always seem to say the most sincere things to me? I knew I had to ask him my first question right here, right now before I lost the nerve.

"Why are you so nice to me? I just don't get it because I, well, I thought you hated me when I first came here, and ever since you've come back - I just - I don't know - I guess I just don't understand. Why me?"

He let his hands drop from my face, and I immediately regretted opening my mouth. He took my hand instead and started leading me down the sidewalk back towards the road. He didn't look at me while he formed his answer.

"Bella, I've told you already that you're different. It's hard for me to explain in a way that you'll understand, but I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. I know it's hard for you to believe, but I genuinely enjoy being around you. I really want us to be friends. I just don't think it's what's best for you."

"Why would you say that? If anyone's different, it's you. Edward, I would _die_ if anyone else happened to see me like, well - what you just saw. As much as I didn't want you to see me that way either, you're also the only person I could handle seeing me like that. Somehow, I just know you aren't going to judge me. Or try to tell me everything is going to be okay, or something equally ridiculous. You just - you just let me be me." I moved my head so I was looking back into his eyes. I wanted him to see I could be just as sincere as he was.

"Trust me when I tell you that there's not a good enough reason out there for me to not want you as a friend - and my survival instincts are pretty good, which means if it's what I want, then it's what's best for me, too. So if you want us to be friends, then we're friends. It's as simple as that."

_Why did he look so sad? _He studied my face for a long time before walking me towards his car parked at the corner up ahead. I slowed down my pace - sensing my hesitation he looked back at me, "Do you trust me?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him that I just didn't trust anyone our age behind the wheel, and I would rather drive myself - broken wrist and all - than get in the car with a teenager. But I couldn't. The truth is, I did trust him. The anxiety crept up my throat and with my voice now lost, I just gave him a short nod.

"Bella - your house is right around the corner. Nothing is going to happen. If there is one thing you cantrust about me, it's my driving capabilities."

I didn't say anything. My eyes were slammed shut, and I was concentrating on alphabetizing the movies I wanted to see if I lived long enough to watch them. I was trying to think of any that started with a "G" when Edward pulled me out of my thoughts.

"I have an idea. Why don't you distract yourself by asking me your seven questions? Though - technically, you only have six left since you've already asked one."

_How did I forget about that?_

_**CHAPTER END NOTES:**_

Seven Turns is a song by The Allman Brothers Band - from around 1990. I'm not a HUGE fan, but I love a few of their songs, and this one happens to be one of them. I highly recommend taking a listen - you can find it on youtube. Dickey Betts sang lead vocal on that song instead of Gregg Allman (just a little FYI)


	7. Seven Turns Part 2

**CHAPTER 7: SEVEN TURNS PART 2**

Edward was right. The questions took my mind off of his driving almost immediately. The best part of not being comfortable in the car was that it gave me an excuse to concentrate on Edward's face instead of what was outside the window. Not that I needed the excuse, mind you, but with one I didn't feel the urge to blush every time he looked my way and caught me staring at him. If I could look at his face all day, I would never get tired of it. I wasn't sure what I liked more about him - the way the corners of his mouth turned up in the faintest of smiles or the way his jaw looked like it was carved to perfection by the world's greatest artisan. When I used to look at guys in that way back in Phoenix, I had a soft spot for those with strong jaws - Edward's was by far the most tempting I had ever seen. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do more - reach out and run my finger along his jaw line or kiss him right where it turned under to join his neck.

This is why I was now sitting on my hands and had glued my left cheek and ear to the headrest. I was determined to not make him regret finding me this afternoon. I watched his adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed - bringing my attention back to the silence I was listening to instead of his answer that I was still patiently awaiting.

"So?" I had asked my first question when I hit my first brick wall with him. I _thought_ he was going to be a little easier today, since he agreed to no "passes." And just like the food question from the museum, I was completely perplexed as to why _this_ question wasn't getting a response right away - it wasn't exactly a question that required a lot of thought. I _thought _I had started out easy on him.

"So what?"

Apparently, I was wrong - this wasn't easy at all. Although it was Edward's idea to ask my questions, he was being such a poor sport about answering them.

"Am I going to have to repeat _every_question I ask? I don't understand - what's so hard about your birthday?"

He took another minute before answering.

"It's - complicated. Technically, I was born on June 20th. But, my family doesn't celebrate birthdays, so it's not really a date that I pay attention to."

"Your family doesn't celebrate birthdays? _Why_?"

_What kind of family doesn't celebrate birthdays?_

"You have to understand, Bella, all of my siblings - well, we were all adopted. Although I know when my birthday is, not all of them do. Alice, for example, has no idea when her birthday is. We celebrate other milestones and life achievements, but birthdays aren't really a big deal for us. It's not very fair to celebrate one person's birthday when you can't possibly celebrate everyone's. But don't worry - Alice finds any and every excuse to celebrate _something _as often as possible."

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he explained this to me. Why would he be smiling? That's really sad. _And geez, Bella, could you be anymore insensitive? You knew he was adopted. You didn't think before you asked that maybe he just didn't know when he was born? Or that without living with your birth parents, a birthday might not really feel the same? _It really didn't seem to bother him to not celebrate his birthday. He just shrugged it off as a part of his life, and something that just _was._

I didn't know many teenagers that could do that. Most kids our age found any excuse to feel sorry for themselves and think their lives were tragic. My favorite John Hughes movie, _Sixteen Candles,_ immediately came to mind when I stopped to think just how dramatic we teenagers can be about our birthdays - or anything for that matter. I wasn't much of an exception - though, in all fairness, I actually _did _have an all too real tragedy that caused my personality shift.

I changed gears in my head before I could think about it - and instead I thought about how I just categorized Edward as being a "kid" like the rest of us. I had to suppress the laugh as I thought about that - he might be seventeen, but he was so _different _than everyone else our age. I didn't completely understand what exactly the difference was - because it wasn't just his maturity - but whatever it was, I was drawn to him because of it.

"Will you tell me about them? I mean, your family?"

I felt a little less cautious about asking him this one. I was pretty sure the key to getting him to open up was to start with something that wasn't about him.

"What do you want to know?"

He looked straight ahead as he spoke. As much as I wanted him to look at me with those beautiful topaz eyes, I was grateful for him to be paying such close attention to the road. It made me a little more at ease.

"I don't know. Whatever you wanna tell me. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so I'm sure whatever you tell me will be fascinating. What's it like for there to be five of you? What do you like best about each of them? What's your Mom like? How do you like being Dr. Cullen's son?"

I took a breath but continued before he had a chance to freak out with how many different directions I had taken the one question - "However you want to answer the question, Edward. You can tell me about just one thing or a few things, _whatever _you want. Just..talk."

I decided to use whatever I could to help this process along - "Come on, I need the distraction, Edward. _Please _talk to me?"

I finally found the key to opening his locked vocal box. Before I knew it, he was answering everything.

"Hmmm. It's very _interesting_ with the five of us, that's for sure. Emmett is the teddy bear who thinks he's a grizzly. Actually, Emmett _can_ be a bear when he wants to be - but he's the best brother you could ask for, and easily the most fun to be around out of all of us. Jasper's more restrained. He's more thoughtful and introspective than the others. When he voices his opinion, you really should pay attention, because he has great instincts - and he rarely says anything without thinking it through quite thoroughly beforehand. Rosalie, well, she's _Rosalie._"

He let out a musical laugh before continuing -

"I don't know exactly know how to describe her. She's incredibly stubborn and a complete force of nature. She's beautiful - and she knows it. But, the best part about Rosalie is that underneath all of that, she's a fierce protector of her family. She would do anything for Emmett and the rest of us, and we all know it and love her unconditionally for it. It also helps us put up with her a little better because of it. And Alice - I'm probably closest to Alice out of everyone. Rosalie and Emmett tend to spend most of their time together. And although Alice and Jasper have each other, too, there are a lot of things that only Alice and I can fully understand about one another. She can be relentless when she thinks she's right about something, but I don't think it's possible for a person to not love Alice. It's safe to say that she is the life of our family - she's very observant and always tries to make sure everyone's as happy as possible."

I remembered Jessica mentioning that all of his siblings were _together,_and I remembered thinking it was something her and Lauren probably gossiped about to no end when the Cullens first moved here. It made me kind of angry to think about how judgmental those two could be - his family seemed really great to me.

While he continued on about his family, he turned the heat up in his car on full blast, and then did the strangest thing. He lowered his window down about halfway, turned his head to the frigid air now blowing in, and took a deep breath. Without missing a beat, he kept talking -

"And Esme - my Mother - well, if Alice is the life of the family, then Esme is definitely the glue. She's the kindest person I know, and loves us all unconditionally - no matter how many mistakes we make."

He trailed off as he quickly finished talking about his Mom, and I knew he must be feeling a bit uncomfortable talking about her in front of me. I didn't want him to feel that way, but at the same time, I couldn't help but be grateful for the subject change when he started talking about his Dad.

"Carlisle is the type of person that just makes you want to be better and do better just by knowing him. He's not the kind of person you ever want to disappoint. But the best thing about Carlisle is that even if you make mistakes, he'd never show or voice his disappointment - because he always finds a way to be proud of you for at least recognizing your mistakes. He's the most forgiving and the most level-headed out of all of us. And the most compassionate. I really can't imagine him being anything other than a doctor. He would help anyone in need. I can't say enough about him that would give you an idea of how great a man he is."

I could see the change in his face and eyes when he talked about his Dad - you could tell that he was probably just as proud of calling himself Carlisle's son as I'm sure Carlisle was of calling himself Edward's father.

"But, my family? The best part about all of them is that we'd all do absolutely anything for each other."

"Your family sounds really nice. It's hard for me to imagine something like that. I mean, I know Charlie would do just about anything for me. But - it's not the same. I sometimes think we are too much alike to ever have a chance at being close."

"What do you mean?" Edward had just pulled into our empty driveway and turned to look at me as he asked about me and Charlie.

"Well, hmmm. I'm not sure how to explain this so it makes sense. Charlie and I were never close as I grew up. I've always lived with my Mom - well, at least for as long as I can remember. I always knew Charlie, don't get me wrong - but you can't exactly form a close bond with someone you only see a couple of times a year."

"Do you blame him for that?" His tone wasn't accusatory - it was just curious.

"Not at all. The thing is, I kind of understand that about Charlie. I'm not sure we would have had a close bond even if I did grow up here. I don't know what he was like before my Mom - but what I do know is that he's pretty much always been a loner. He enjoys spending time with his friends here and there, but I know sometimes he would rather just be by himself. He goes fishing by himself all the time. I think he enjoys the peace and quiet. I'm kind of like him in that way. I've always been a loner."

I had been staring at the house as I talked - but took that moment to turn my head back towards Edward. I knew I had more questions to ask, but I was afraid I was keeping him from something. He had been sitting in my driveway for a minute now and his car was still running. To my surprise, he kept talking.

"I understand that probably more than you think. My family - we're all very close. But, some of us are closer than others."

He flashed a big smile as he continued, "Obviously, Carlisle and Esme are together. And then there's Rosalie and Emmett, and Alice and Jasper. I'm kind of the odd man out of my family..._in more ways than one._"

He mumbled the last part as an afterthought as he looked out the window. He really did fascinate me. He said things sometimes that I didn't entirely understand - but I couldn't shake the feeling that he _wanted_ me to somehow understand them. And was it really possible for him to feel as lonely as I did? He had such a big family! And they all seemed so close. Even at school - I had toyed with the idea of walking up to him today and asking him to go to Bio early, but even after our easy day at the museum, approaching him at his table with his family was entirely too intimidating. He was definitely much easier to talk to one on one. But here he was telling me that he _did_understand - and I believed him.

"Do you have to go now?"

I hated asking the question - but I wasn't sure if he had kept his car running for the heat or because he didn't plan on staying much longer.

"No. Not yet, I don't think. Do you want me to leave?"

I looked at him for a long time before answering. I wanted to make sure I didn't reply right away for fear of not being able to answer without telling him I couldn't imagine ever wanting him to leave. I forced the butterflies in my stomach to calm before I spoke.

"It's just that you're wasting gas - and running your car unnecessarily - when I have perfectly good heat already on in my house."

To my surprise, he turned his car off and opened his door without any further hesitation. I got out after him and let him into the house. He turned my offer for a drink down - with a strangely placed chuckle as he did - so I grabbed myself a glass of water before sitting down at the kitchen table with him.

"Okay. If my count is right - I have four questions left, right?"

"That's correct."

He said it with a completely straight face, but I could tell by the twinkle in his eye that he was finding amusement in our little game.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask him next. I stalled by taking a drink of water. I could ask him about _Moonlight Mile_- that was certainly still driving me crazy. But I didn't want to ask that yet. I could ask him what was so bad that he left a month ago, but I wasn't ready for that one either. I decided to go with one that had been bothering me since I got into his car this afternoon.

"How did you find me? While you were gone, I never noticed your brothers or sisters driving down that road after school, and now that you're back - the two times you've been on it, you haven't been with them - so I don't think you get home by taking that road usually. It's just - I didn't think anyone from school would pass me. Charlie is the only one who lives down this way, so I'm a little curious how - or even why you stopped."

I had to look away from him as I finished my sentence. I wasn't sure what I was expecting him to say, but it definitely wasn't the answer he gave me.

He spoke softly, and almost apologetically,

"Bella, two days ago I had heard that you turned the Newton kid down for a ride home, and - "

He stopped suddenly as he saw my jaw drop.

"How did -_ how did you know about that? _"

"It's a small school, Bella, word travels fast about anything and everything."

His voice was even more apologetic as he said this, if that was even possible.

"Anyway - I knew it was going to rain, and you seemed upset in Bio that day. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay. Today was kind of the same thing. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to rain, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. I knew you were rattled by our sub in Bio, and I _had_promised to answer your questions today. It bothers me to not be able to honor my promises, so I figured I could just find you and walk home with you and let you ask me whatever you wanted. When I did find you - I didn't know what was wrong or what I should do. I actually watched you for a minute before I even said your name - I hope you can forgive me for that intrusion - it's just, I didn't know what to do. Or what made you so upset."

I knew I should feel something - _anything _other than the pain I was feeling. Edward just admitted to caring enough about me to drive out of his way to find me not once, but twice, and all I could think about was the reason he found me the way he did.

"It was my Mom. I'm sure you've guessed that by now. I don't know what happened, to be honest. I was doing so good at holding back everything I felt - but everything just came at me at once, like a hard sucker punch to the gut. When I started thinking about her I couldn't breathe - I wasn't even sure I wanted to anymore."

"Bella - please don't say things like that."

His eyes met mine in a pleading look. I shook my head and looked back at my water glass as I continued.

"I wouldn't - I mean, that's not what I meant. In that moment I didn't want to breathe anymore. I just wanted the pain to go away, and I would have done _anything_ to make it stop. I know that's why I wouldn't let myself think about her for so long. I was scared of how much it would hurt. If I had known it was going to feel like that, I would have tried a lot harder to keep myself from thinking about it. The thing is, I know it doesn't do any good to _feel _that way. It's not like you can cry it out of your system and once you've expelled so many tears, it's done. It's over. You won't be sad anymore. Even now - my ribs and stomach muscles feel bruised from this afternoon, and I still feel like I could break down any second if I let myself think about it. I could talk about it, like this - in a way that feels like I'm talking about something else. But if I really let myself register what it is I'm talking about, I know I'll lose it again. That probably doesn't make any sense."

I struggled to smile as I forced myself to meet his eyes again. He looked as sad as I felt. I decided right then it was time to ask him about that first day.

"Edward - the last day you were here. Um, my first day in school - you, you didn't look like you do now. You looked at me different. Kind of like you hated me though we never even met. Was it really me or were you just looking in my direction that day and were just upset at whatever it was that made you leave?"

I knew he had looked at me that day and not just in my direction. Everyone at my lunch table knew it, too. But I wanted to believe I was wrong. I wanted him to_ tell _me I was wrong. I just didn't understand how this guy in front of me was the same one as the Edward that looked so coldly at me before I ever even had the chance to talk to him.

"I know that must have seemed strange. Alice had _noticed_ something about you that I couldn't really ignore. It caught me off guard, and - I'm sorry. I behaved poorly, and you didn't need some stranger making you feel that way when everyone should have been very welcoming on your first day. I want to tell you that it wasn't you I was looking at. But I can't seem to lie to you, Bella. Please know that I'm glad I came back, and I'm very happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other a bit. I meant what I said yesterday - you _are _different from everyone else. I wish I could explain that first day better than that. But, will you accept my apology for my behavior and be satisfied with a promise to explain my actions further? Not today, of course, but I'm fairly certain I'll be able to explain everything soon."

There was a lot of information in his answer to register. Alice had noticed something about me. _What could she have noticed? I remember her looking oddly that day, and the boy - who must have been Jasper - turning her away from me. What _**was**_ that? _And Edward just admitted that he did look at me that way. Even though his actions over the past couple of days told me differently, I couldn't help but wonder if there was still something about me that he hated. _And what could he possibly have hated about me in the first place?_ I was ordinary. I kept to myself. I didn't cause trouble or gossip, or get in anyone's way. I just couldn't imagine what I could have possibly done to get that reaction out of him. And he actually told me that he was pretty certain he would be explaining himself further to me eventually - so that meant this wasn't going to be the last opportunity to get to know him after all. Maybe some of my questions could wait. He didn't answer my question of why he left in the first place, but I decided that the answer was somehow implied through his last statement of eventually explaining everything to me, and he did say he would do that _soon._

Technically, I only had one question left, though I doubted he would have thought to count my question of how he knew about me turning Mike down for a ride as one of my seven. But in the off-chance that he did decide to count it, I decided to ask the one I had been dying to know the answer to since last night.

"_Moonlight Mile._ You said yesterday that you related to the song which made it your favorite. _How _do you relate to the song? And - I want a full explanation."

I smiled as widely as I could to let him know this was meant to be a lighter topic after what we'd just talked about, but his smile didn't match mine as he thought about his answer. Nothing was ever what I thought it would be with Edward, that's for sure.

"I'm not sure I can explain that so you'd understand. Actually, I know I can't explain that so you'd understand without explaining a lot more about myself. You don't understand what you're asking of me. I'm sure you think it's a rather simple explanation, but it really isn't simple at all. There are things about me that are different. When I hear the song, especially the lines about the _silence on the radio, letting the air waves flow, strangers sending nothing to my mind_- they all relate to me in the same way. I can't - I can't explain it without you thinking I'm crazy."

He thought I was going to think he was crazy? He was going to make _me_ crazy if he didn't explain _something_.

"Edward - I already think you're crazy for spending any amount of time whatsoever talking to _me_ - who's probably the most depressing person you could find in Forks to have a conversation with. _Especially_ when it comes to music. You're _Here Comes the Sun_ and I'm _Eleanor Rigby_, remember? At my worst moment since moving here you found me and didn't judge. You saved me from the embarrassment of having a really bad moment in front of an entire classroom of people. How could you think I would ever think badly of you? I'm the last person in the world that would judge you - you have to know that."

He smiled, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I don't believe you would _intentionally _judge me, Bella."

"You promised no passes. And you just said you found me this afternoon because you hate breaking promises. It can't be _that _bad, Edward."

I smiled and begged him with my eyes to just spill whatever it was. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke again.

"Okay. Do you remember what I told you in Biology today? About our substitute?"

I shook my head in confusion. _What was he talking about, and what did she have to do with that song?_

"I told you that you reminded her of someone who used to make fun of her, and she was trying to get revenge by taking it out on you?"

Now I was really confused, but I did remember, so I just nodded my head slowly in response.

"Well...what if I told you that I knew for a fact that she was actually thinking that?"

He looked at me hesitantly. Was he waiting for a response?

"Huh? How could you possibly know that?"

_What was he talking about?_

"Bella - I can hear what people are thinking. Everyone around me - though they certainly don't have to be near me, or in the same room as me - it's almost like being at a party all the time. The crowd of people never stop talking...Bella? Are you okay?"

I knew right then I must have had a strange look on my face - I'm not really sure what I looked like, but I quickly rearranged my expression so it wasn't obvious that I really was starting to doubt his sanity, even though I promised I wouldn't. _How could I not? Oh God - what if he's telling the truth and knows I'm starting to think he really is crazy?_

I took a deep breath before trying to make sense of what he was telling me.

"Edward. I don't really understand -"

He cut me off before I could finish my thought.

"I told you that you'd think I was crazy. But the _crazy _thing is that I'm not making it up. I really can hear what people are thinking. Except for you. I can't hear your thoughts, and I have to admit, right now, I really wish I could."

He was looking at me with sad eyes again - as if he regretted telling me everything he just said. No matter what I was thinking, I couldn't let him feel that way. Not after everything he had done for me in just the couple of days I knew him. I wanted to know why he couldn't read my mind if he could really read everyone else's, but I knew it was more important to make him see I wasn't judging him.

"Edward, you didn't let me finish my sentence. I was _going_ to say that I don't really understand how you reading minds relates to _Moonlight Mile_- so I'm still going to need that explanation."

He searched my face, and whatever he found there must have made him feel relieved because the smile that spread across his beautiful face finally reached his eyes.

"That's the easy part. _Strangers sending nothing to my mind_ - I should think that part is obvious. _I got silence on my radio_ - well, that actually has to do with you. As much as I sometimes hate hearing every thought around me, I have to admit, it's been driving me a bit crazy lately that I can't hear _your _thoughts.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, Edward - but, I'm not the kind of person that easily believes, well - believes things like _that_. I believe that you believe you can hear people - but, would you get mad if I told you I'm kind of going to need a little proof before I can believe it for myself?"

I hoped his smile wouldn't disappear - and to my own relief, he laughed - a sound that literally spread warmth throughout my whole body.

"Of _course_, Bella! I wouldn't expect you to believe me without some sort of proof! I'm not entirely sure how I can do that with you though, since it doesn't work with _you _for some reason."

In one fluid movement he was standing up and walking toward the door.

"Where, where are you going?" I sputtered.

Did he think he was going to just leave after dropping that kind of information on me?

"I think that's more than enough information for one day, don't you? Besides, I think Charlie will be home soon, and I should probably get going."

"But - Edward, you can't just leave after telling me something like that!"

He was halfway out the door when he turned and smiled with a sheepish grin,

"Actually, I _can _and I'm going to. Besides, I have to go home and figure out how I'm going to prove to you I'm not crazy tomorrow."

"I don't think you're crazy. Delusional, maybe - but not crazy."

I laughed as I spoke, so he knew I was just teasing him.

He got to his car and opened the door before I remembered how this whole afternoon started.

"And Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For everything."

I knew he understood what I meant because he gave a genuine smile and nod before getting in his car and disappearing from the driveway. I had no idea what to make of our conversation - especially the last part of it - but one thing was certain: Edward Cullen was quickly becoming the best friend I ever had.


	8. Returning to 4136

_**A/N:**_

_No Edward in this chapter - but he'll be back in the next one :) Oops... maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that until ___after___ you read it. :)_

**CHAPTER 8: RETURNING TO 4136**

I knew Charlie would be home any minute now, but I honestly didn't feel much like cooking. I made up my mind and had just phoned in a pizza order when Charlie pulled into the driveway. Edward had just left maybe five minutes ago, and I hoped that he didn't pass him on his way down the road. I didn't think Charlie would really care if someone gave me a ride home - I just didn't want to have to explain why I was getting home so late.

The puffiness in my eyes had time to subside while talking to Edward in the car and at the table, so I was pretty sure Charlie wouldn't realize how I spent the afternoon. I was grateful for small miracles that he wasn't the one that caught my breakdown - crying was something I tried desperately to keep him from witnessing.

Charlie walked in and greeted me as he pulled off his all-weather coat and hung it up by the door. He looked tired. More tired than usual. I returned his greeting and was getting ready to tell him about the pizza, when Charlie turned and looked at me.

I don't think he meant to make eye contact for that long - but as he looked at me, and I looked at him, there was something between us that I couldn't quite describe. _Understanding. _He wasn't tired from lack of sleep - it was a different kind of exhaustion that I knew all too well. I silently wondered if it was about Renee or something at work - I really couldn't be sure. I looked away quickly once I realized he was probably reading something similar in my eyes, and I didn't want him to worry about me.

"I decided to order pizza. Pepperoni, if that's okay. I didn't think you'd mind, and I wasn't really up to being Betty Crocker tonight."

I gave him a quick smile accompanied with a questioning look to make sure it really was okay. He nodded, said it was fine and went in to the living room to watch TV while he waited. I turned to go upstairs to wait in my room when the phone rang.

"I'll get it." I mumbled as I made my way to the phone on the wall. No one ever called me, but Charlie was already in his recliner, and I was closest to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Bella? Good - I've...trying...hold of... no... answer... can't... machine..."

"Phil? Phil is that you? I can't hear you - you're breaking up!"

"You don't have to do this, ya know."

Charlie looked at me with sad eyes. I knew he was worried about me, but what choice did I really have?

"Yes, I think I do."

I gave him an encouraging smile, hoping I could keep the mask on long enough for Charlie's sake. I knew the plane ride would be similar to the one I took to get here. Under these circumstances, going home would be just as hard, if not harder, than what it was like to leave it.

But that wasn't until tomorrow morning. There was a red-eye that I could have taken, and a part of me still wished I had - but Charlie insisted that I get rest, eat, take time to pack, and then leave first thing in the morning. He was probably right. I knew packing would take me all of five minutes, but I was starving, and to be perfectly honest - I didn't mind the small postponement. This wasn't a trip that I was looking forward to.

"I'll call the school tomorrow. You should probably call one of your classmates to get assignments for you. I'm sure it wouldn't be helpful for you here if you started falling behind."

I knew he meant well. I wanted to tell Charlie that I could probably skip the rest of the year and I wouldn't get behind, but I didn't think that thought would be very comforting to him right now, so I humored him and pulled out the directory.

When I found Angela's phone number, I suddenly had another idea.

Angela picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Angela - it's me - Bella. How are you?"

I let Angela talk for a minute before getting to my point.

"I need a favor, well, two actually."

"Sure - what's up?"

"I have to leave for a little while - there are some things I need to take care of in Phoenix. Do you think you could pull together from everyone at our table my assignments for the rest of the week?"

"Um, yea. Not a problem. Do you think you'll be back Monday?"

That gave me only three days in Phoenix, and I really wasn't sure that would be enough time.

"I'm not sure, but now that you mention it, I don't think I will be. You might have to get them until at least the following Monday. Is that okay?"

"Yea, of course - is everything, I mean, are you okay?"

I could tell she was torn about how much to ask me. I decided to make it easy on her by asking her my other favor.

"Yea, um... actually - it's about my Mom. When I left, her husband did, too - and he's decided to move permanently, so he wants to sell our old house. It's just - well, her stuff is still there, so I have to _empty the house._"

I couldn't help it. Those last three words made my throat close, and I could feel myself bitterly fighting back tears.

It wasn't Phil's fault. I understood why he didn't want to do it himself. There were parts of my Mother that even he didn't see, and going through someone's personal stuff is intrusive and painful and _hard. _Even if they're no longer with you.

After the fourth try on his cell phone, he finally was able to tell me why he was calling. He had decided to sell the house since he couldn't bring himself to live there without her. He was scared that I might want to keep something that he wouldn't think to send me. I voiced the same concern to him if I went back to do it myself, and he told me that when he left, he took everything he wanted and needed to have her with him for the rest of his life. It took everything I had inside to not break down for the second time today when I was on the phone with him.

Angela's voice brought me back to the present.

"Bella - I'm, gosh, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that will be."

_No. I don't even think I can imagine that._

"Well, my second favor might seem really strange - and I can't explain it very well either, which will make it sound even weirder - "

"I'll help any way I can - what's the favor?"

It was hard to believe that Edward's unfathomable bomb was dropped on me just a couple of hours ago. My mind still hadn't had time to process it, but I remembered him telling me he was going to try to find a way to prove it to me tomorrow. I was disappointed I wasn't actually going to school, because I was really looking forward to seeing how he was going to try and prove something like that. Especially after telling me that he couldn't hear any of _my_thoughts.

_Well, Edward - maybe you can't read my mind, but you claim to be able to read Angela's – so if you really can read minds, you'll know exactly why I'm not in school and you won't be able to get mad at me for not telling you where I went, right? __Not that I really thought he would get mad, or even care. __Although he was turning into the closest, most genuine friend I ever had, we still had only known each other for a couple of days - if either of us was guilty of being delusional, it wasn't going to be me._

I took a deep breath. Here goes Angela thinking I'm crazy...

"Tomorrow, during Biology, I want you to think about why I'm not at school. I know it sounds crazy, and I wish I could explain why, but it's really important, okay? Oh - and make sure you don't tell anyone where I'm at. Not anyone, Angela, just pretend you don't know or something. I only want you to _think_about where I am while you're in our class."

Before she questioned my sanity as much as I now was questioning it, I quickly added, "Ya know, good vibes and stuff. I'll be getting there about the same time as our Bio class, so maybe if someone is thinking about me, or I know someone is thinking about me, it'll make it easier."

I held my breath waiting for her response. I knew she thought I was nuts. Who wouldn't with a request like that? I hoped she bought the idea of me being a big believer in the power of positive thinking, but honestly, if she knew me at all she'd see right through that lie. I had to smile when I thought to myself that even after just a couple of days, Edward would have definitely known better. Maybe it was a good thing after all that I wasn't actually friends with anyone else yet.

I'm not sure if it was because of the situation, or if it was because Angela really was that great of a person - but without hesitation or interrogation, she agreed to my favor.

I thanked her and hung up the phone. I almost laughed at myself once I realized what I had just done. If Edward really is delusional, I just did what most psychologists would probably tell you not to do - I completely fed his mental illness by playing along with him.

"Take this."

Charlie held out a small silver cell phone.

"When did you...?"

I let the question trail off as I looked from the phone to him and back to the phone with confusion.

"Last night. After you went up to your room -I think you were listening to music, so you must not have heard me - I went out for a bit. I wasn't sure if Phil kept the phone line on, but I figured he probably didn't since the house, um...well, since you guys left over a month ago. I didn't like the idea of you being down there without a way of...calling someone if you needed anything."

He was going to make me cry if he kept this up. I don't know how or why I was getting so sentimental over a stupid cell phone. But, I knew for Charlie, it was such a caring gesture that my head wouldn't let me dismiss it.

"Thank you. Really."

I gave him the best smile I could - and although it was forced - I knew it did the job of making Charlie believe I was okay with everything.

"I should get going. I'm boarding soon, and the line inside looks pretty long."

I stared through the airport doors at the check-in counters with a sense of dread. I wasn't ready for this. Why did I agree to do this? Right. _For her._

"Alright. Call me when you get there. And call me if you need anything - at all."

I could tell this good-bye was hard for him. It wasn't permanent, I would definitely be coming back, but it still felt like a monumental good-bye, and the look on his face made me believe that he felt the same as me - that there weren't any guarantees in life. So I could tell the promise I made him for returning soon fell a little short in his mind. I understood that.

With another fake smile that was starting to feel ridiculous, I gave him a quick hug, told him I'd call him when I got there, and walked through the double doors that opened for me. As I walked to the end of the check-in line, I tried to think about anything but what I was about to do. My thoughts went to Angela - I couldn't believe how nice she'd been to me, after so few times of really talking to her. And then they strayed to Edward - after just a couple of really intriguing conversations, he almost felt like my lifeline in Forks. One of the few people for some inexplicable reason that I not just wanted to, but felt _compelled_to talk to. Maybe my heart wasn't as cold and bitter as I thought.

But the thought of my cold and bitter heart only reminded me about how it became that way in the first place, which just ripped my mind back to the present and what I was doing here.

"Name?"

The girl at the counter was entirely too perky for me.

"Swan. Bella Swan."

...

Phoenix was the same. I wasn't sure what I was expecting - maybe the brown, dusty hills to have somehow magically transformed into mossy green mountains, or maybe the dry air to have switched to a mistier climate. But it almost felt like _something_ should have changed, or maybe that was just because _I_had changed.

When I had stepped out of the confines of the airport, I winced at the brightness of the sun. I regretted leaving behind my dark sunglasses when I left here - but I knew I wouldn't have much use for them in Forks. I was surprised at how that made me smile instead of the resentment I felt toward the place when I first decided to leave Phoenix. I enjoyed the rain and the cloud cover now.

I didn't remember much about the cab ride. I tried to mentally prepare myself for going home, and at the same time, I felt so weak and childish for even needing to mentally prepare myself. _People do this all the time. You lose loved ones. The world doesn't stop because you want it to or feel it should. You have to do things you don't want to do because everything around you moves on, whether you want it to or not._

But this was hard for me. It felt more final. This was the last time I would be coming to this house. It was the last time I would ever call it my home. It was the last place that I had been in with my Mom. I don't know if it was because I had been numb or in shock, but what I was about to do felt more like a good-bye than the day we buried her.

I paid the driver as he pulled up to our little one story house. I grabbed my bags and as soon as I shut the door he didn't waste any time in pulling away and leaving me alone to face my heartbreaking task. I looked to the houses next to ours. My old neighbors were all still at work. Good. I really wasn't ready for anyone to know I was here. I stared at the beige front door and the "4136" house number next to it for longer than was necessary before I could muster up enough nerve to walk in. Standing right outside the door, I dropped the bigger of the two duffel bags and opened the smaller one, searching for the item I wasn't sure I'd ever use again when I saw that door last.

I heard the jingling of the keys at the bottom of the bag and fished them out. My hand was shaking and a nervous laugh escaped my lips as I realized how ridiculous I was being. _What was I so scared of? _I unlocked the door and walked in.

The smell hit me instantly - it was all _wrong. _It should have smelled like lasagna cooking in the oven or one of the many candles Renee used to perfume the place with. Instead it smelled musty and unfamiliar. The place was dusty and the air was stagnant. I immediately hated everything about it. I kicked my duffel bags into the house and moved them to the living room before taking a look around. I started in the kitchen and began opening cupboards and drawers. Phil didn't take much when he left. I groaned. That would make this an even bigger task than I thought.

It was still daylight out so I didn't need the lights on yet, but I tried the living room light just to make sure Phil hadn't turned the power off yet. Or hadn't forgot to pay the bill. Thankfully, the lamp illuminated the room, and I let out a sigh of relief. I shouldn't have thought otherwise. Phil wouldn't have asked me to come back if he didn't have any electricity on in the place. I instinctively knew that I didn't need the cell phone, since I doubted Phil would have turned the phone off yet, but I decided to dig the cell out anyway to call Charlie and let him know I arrived safely.

Once I got off the phone,I walked into my room, kicked off my shoes, and fell heavily on the bed. I was exhausted. The trip shouldn't have taken that much out of me, but the energy I used on stress alone would be enough to make anyone lethargic. After seeing the kitchen and knowing the full extent of what was before me, I decided not to do a thing tonight. I would start fresh tomorrow morning after I slept a full night. I was thankful that I had the sense to grab a sandwich at the airport when I arrived, because I knew after looking briefly in the kitchen that there wasn't a thing consumable in this house.

I closed my eyes and tried forcing myself to relax and not think. I blinked my eyes open and realized what I needed. I got up from the bed and grabbed my big duffel bag from the living room and brought it back to my room. I changed into my sleeping shorts and a t-shirt and grabbed my mp3 player before flopping back down on the bed. It was too early yet to really go to sleep but I didn't feel like doing anything else.

I let my eyes wander around the room while I searched for the song I wanted to listen to. The walls were empty - all of my stuff had been boxed up and piled neatly in a corner - I did that before I left. I decided that the best way to do this would be to tackle the house room by room. Since I would have to stay in my room until I left, I would handle it last. Tomorrow, I would start with the living room. Feeling like I at least had a plan of attack, I finally found the song I had been searching for and drifted off to sleep as Mick Jagger crooned the soothing vocals of _Moonlight Mile_ into my head.


	9. Three Little Birds

**CHAPTER 9: THREE LITTLE BIRDS**

This had to be a sick joke. Somewhere in this damn house there was a hidden camera - _there had to be._

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?"

I screamed at the top of my lungs to the house that was mocking me before picking up a vase and throwing it across the room. The sound of the glass shattering against the wall sent a shock through my veins. _I wanted more. _This house and this place had done enough damage to me, and now I was determined to not let it off the hook unscathed. I stormed into the kitchen and went for the first cabinet I came to - _perfect. My mother's china._

The phone rang for what seemed like the hundredth time today. I didn't bother looking at the number now or any other time it rang - I knew it had to be Charlie checking up on me. I couldn't bring myself to answer because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together long enough to seem fine for his sake. I kept still in the corner of the kitchen floor - hugging my knees and waiting for the silence to engulf me again. Charlie was being persistent. The stupid cell phone had been ringing every hour on the hour since yesterday afternoon. It finally stopped somewhere around midnight, I assume because he wanted to let me sleep. _If only he had known that was what I was doing all day yesterday._

Today, the phone calls were more frantic. The only reason I even plugged it in to charge was because I knew if it went straight to voice mail without ringing, Charlie would probably drive down here to make sure I wasn't dead. I knew I'd have to talk to him soon so he could stop freaking out, but I just _couldn't_ yet. I don't know what I thought it would be like coming down here and doing this - but it was a million times worse than I expected. I couldn't believe I had already been here two days - and _nothing_was done yet. Yesterday, my first full day here, I spent the entire time in my old bed. I couldn't get motivated to get up. I didn't even take a freaking shower.

I allowed myself one day like that. One day of feeling miserable and depressed. One day of not wanting to get out of bed. I didn't even get up to eat anything yesterday - not that I would have been able to throw something together here. Eating would require me to leave the house, and there was no way I was making the effort.

I thought this morning would be better. I woke up wanting to take a shower, so I thought that was a good sign. It would be a productive day - at least, that's what I kept telling myself. Now that it was in the middle of the afternoon, I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This whole day had been so ridiculous, screenwriters couldn't have made this stuff up.

The phone's shrilly persistence pulled me from my thoughts _again_. _I swear - if Charlie doesn't just leave me the hell alone. _I finally had enough - I grabbed the cell, flipped it open, and gritted a loud and frustrated "WHAT?" out of my teeth before I could remind myself to start with a hello.

The voice that came through the phone wasn't Charlie's - though it seemed just as surprised by my angry tone as I suspect Charlie would have been.

"Bella? Bella - thank God. Are you okay?"

Hearing that voice filled me with so many emotions, I couldn't begin to name them all.

"Edward?"

I couldn't think. _How? What? _I had so many questions rushing through my mind I couldn't come up with the right one to ask. Thankfully, Edward spoke before I had to figure it out -

"Bella? I'm so glad you finally answered! I've been going crazy, though Alice promised me if I was persistent enough you would finally answer - Bella, are you okay?"

Edward's question was more than I could take. I don't know if it was finding out that he was the one that had been trying to call me all this time - _and I had no idea how he got this number_ - or the fact that he sounded so concerned, like he always did, but I couldn't hold it together anymore. I lost it, _again_. The sobs came out so hard I couldn't breathe.

After just a couple of minutes, I pulled myself together as best as I could. Edward never interrupted my sobbing, and I couldn't help but think he had to be getting sick of always catching me like this. I took a few deep breaths before answering his question.

"I'm tired, Edward. I'm _so_tired."

I hated the way my voice came out as a whimper, but I couldn't help it. This past week had been an emotional roller coaster, and it felt like I was on the verge of completely shutting down. Besides, whimper or not, what I said was the absolute truth - I _was_tired. More than tired - I was exhausted. No amount of sleep the previous day seemed to alleviate that feeling. It was an exhaustion that wouldn't go away simply by resting.

Regardless of its ineffectiveness, I made my way back to the scene of my first angry explosion and sunk into the couch. I wasn't ready to clean up the glass from the broken vase yet, and now that Edward had me on the phone - I just wanted to lie down and talk to him.

"Do you feel like talking about it?"

He was always so patient when he spoke to me. I knew he was one of the few people in the world that would actually wait to hear a person's answer when asking them how they were doing. It wasn't just a way to be polite to Edward - if he took the time to ask, he would take the time to listen to what the person had to say. It took me knowing him for only a few days to already love that about him.

As much as I wanted to hear Edward's soothing voice, the need to unload the events of my day overwhelmed everything else. While Edward patiently listened, I took a deep breath - let it out - then began my story.

…...

**Earlier**

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
>The waking up is the hardest part<br>You roll outta bed and down on your knees  
>And for the moment you can hardly breathe<br>Wondering was she really here?  
>Is she standing in my room?<br>No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone..._

Sing it John. Sing it.

I rolled onto my side and reached over to my nightstand and turned Phil's radio off. As much as I loved music, I just wasn't in the mood to listen to the rest of the John Mayer song. I rolled again until I was on my back, and let my mind wander to the previous night. The nightmare was different last night for some reason. In a surprisingly good way. I could remember hearing Phil's voice whisper,_ "She's gone," _and that was it. My eyes flew open, and I sat straight up in bed. It was as if my body had rejected the nightmare - and had refused to let me experience another one. _Maybe it was a sign that the day would go better than yesterday. _I did get _some_ sleep after putting my mp3 player on my standard _Lightning Crashes_repeat the previous day. But sometime in the afternoon my mp3 player died, and I had to resort to listening to Phil's radio. Not having my own music to work to was going to be annoying - but it was my own fault for not bringing anything to charge it with.

I let out a yawn and pushed the covers off, willing myself to get up. I had _a lot_ to do today. I showered and got dressed. Although I was starving from not eating anything the previous day, I wanted to get a little work done in the living room before I ventured out for food. I grabbed Phil's radio and brought it out to the living room with me. While I surveyed my job in the living room, I immediately realized that Phil really left me with no help whatsoever. There were no extra boxes that I could see. I decided to do a quick walk-through of the rest of the house. I only found one box in the storage shed out back. _Great. Just great._

I took the one box back to the living room and decided to at least pack that one box up. I figured then I could get more when I left to get something to eat. I looked around the living room trying to decide what to pack first. I didn't have any tissue paper, so I put that on my mental shopping list and decided to go for the nonbreakable stuff first. I sat on the floor by my Mom's CD tower and began pulling the CDs off the little wire shelves and neatly stacking them inside the box.

I didn't pay attention to the CDs that were getting packed up - I just took everything without going through them. It was easier. I hadn't decided yet if this box would be coming back with me or if I would be donating it with almost everything else. Music was a big part of my Mom's life like it was mine - but I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever be able to listen to her CDs without getting emotional. She loved her CD collection though, and I really didn't know if I could bear to just get rid of them like they didn't matter. _They mattered to her._

As I put the last CD in the box and stood up to stretch my legs, _Volcano_blared from the speakers of Phil's radio - it had been her favorite Buffett song. I sank back down to the floor and closed my eyes. The tears streamed down my face like I expected them to - it was one of the few things I had no control over. Buffett - or any beach music for that matter - always made me cry.

After the song ended and I composed myself, I got back up and closed the box up. I took one look at it and then at my cast and suddenly I was completely perplexed. _How was I going to lift boxes with only one good arm?_When I agreed to take on this task, it had escaped my memory that I would only have one good hand to do all of this with. I still couldn't believe it was just a few days ago when I broke my wrist. Having a few broken bones in the past, I had already gotten used to the cast and kept forgetting about it.

I wanted to get mad at Phil, I really did. But, in his defense, he didn't realize I had a broken wrist. And he probably wasn't in a state of mind where he thought much about boxes. He _had_told me not to worry about the big furniture - he had already talked to the real estate agent and was conveying it all in the sale. So that was something, at least.

I couldn't think about how I was going to get the boxes out of the house once I managed to pack everything up - the hunger I was feeling was eclipsing all other problems I was encountering. Hunger wasn't even a good enough word. My stomach was gnawing on my other organs - or that's at least how it felt.

I had planned on using my car - already something I was not thrilled about - to get around while I was here. It was a gift from Renee and Phil on my sixteenth birthday. She was a little old and cranky, but the car got me to school and back when I lived here, so I never complained. I toyed with the idea of driving it back to Forks, but I wasn't sure I could make it that long in the car. And to be honest, I wasn't entirely sure that car could make the trip. The last thing I wanted was to get stranded in the middle of nowhere. I decided yesterday to just donate it my last day here.

I walked around to the back of the house where I kept the car, more than ready to go get some food. As soon as I turned the corner I saw it - another road block. I wouldn't need to wait until I left to donate the car - because I wouldn't be using it while I was here. The flat tire on the driver's side was taunting me. It wasn't that I didn't know how to change a tire - but with one good hand, I just didn't see how it was physically possible.

If I wasn't so moody from hunger and stress I would have had no choice but to laugh at just how ridiculous my luck was. I wasn't laughing right now. I was crying. _Again._

Edward listened to my day without making me feel stupid or weak. I knew it all probably sounded silly. Any one of those things happening on their own would have made me laugh. But putting everything together on top of the stress of just being here was too much for me to take.

I decided to leave out the part where I destroyed a perfectly good vase and my Mom's entire china collection after I went back inside and realized how incredibly pointless this trip had been and how hopeless I was. I didn't have the heart to put the image of my rage in Edward's head.

"I'm sorry for laying all of that out there like that."

I really did feel apologetic. I managed to stay strong around everyone else, but it seemed like every time Edward was around, I turned into a needy, emotional wreck - and I hated that he always saw me like that. It wasn't really who I was.

"Bella, please do not apologize."

The sincerity I loved about Edward was audible.

"Do you think, um, you could distract me?"

Without hesitation, he started humming. Before I could place the tune, he began singing:

"_Don't worry about a thing,  
>cause every little thing's gonna be alright.<br>Singing don't worry about a thing,  
>cause every little thing's gonna be alright!" <em>

Mission Accomplished. I smiled uncontrollably - if I didn't recognize the lyrics I might not have realized what he was singing. He sang the words in a way that was completely his own - he turned the Bob Marley song into a sweet lullaby.

"_Rise up this morning,  
>Smiled with the rising sun,<br>Three little birds  
>Pitch by my doorstep<br>Singing sweet songs  
>Of melodies pure and true,<br>Saying, this is my message to you-ooo-uuu_

_Singing don't worry 'bout a thing,_  
><em>cause every little thing's gonna be alright.<em>  
><em>Singing don't worry 'bout a thing,<em>  
><em>cause every little thing's gonna be alright!"<em>

I closed my eyes while I listened to his soft voice. He stopped singing for a brief moment to say something.

"I know we've only been friends for a few days - but, I already know that you are used to taking care of everything and everyone around you. But who's taking care of you, Bella?"

"I am."

I answered without thinking. He was right, but the truth was I never felt the need to have someone take care of me. My independence was one of the things I liked most about myself.

"Bella, would you do me a favor?"

_Anything._

"Sure - what is it?"

"I know you can take care of yourself. But will you let me help you? Please?"

I wasn't sure how Edward thought he could help - and I told him as much. But I couldn't say no to him either.

"The reason I tried calling so many times was to ask you if I could do something. I was running out of time, and since I hadn't heard from you, I went ahead and did it. I hope it's okay - if not, I understand and you can tell them to go away - I'll take care of everything, I promise."

Edward was rambling.

_Why was Edward rambling?_

"Edward - what on earth are you talking about?"

"I just thought that you would need some help. Bella - I meant to tell you as soon as I called, but I was so worried about you, I completely forgot to mention it. Any minute now you'll be getting a knock on the door - you'll want to answer it, Bella. It's the only way I knew how to help."

I still had no idea what he was talking about. Before I could question him further the doorbell rang. _Okay - now I'm completely curious._

I got up and went to the front door. I peeked through the hole and saw a big moving truck sitting in front of the house. Three men were standing in front of the door.

"Edward? What - how did - wait. Did _you _do this?"

I opened the door and stared at the scene in front of me waiting for Edward to answer.

"You can tell them 'no' if you like, Bella. I just - when I realized where you were and what you were doing, and then to hear Angela thinking about how you were doing it by yourself, even with two good wrists I don't think anyone could pack up and move a whole house alone. I thought this way you wouldn't have to. It was the only thing I could think of. If you'd rather them not bring it back here, I can tell them to at least stay and help you box everything."

I didn't know what to say. I mean, I literally did not know what to say. I just stood there at the door looking at these three guys and listening to Edward with my mouth hanging open.

_Edward hired movers for me? Seriously?_ I really felt like I had become close to Edward after these past few days - but this was above and beyond anything I imagined our friendship including.

"Edward - I, I can't afford movers. And even if I could - where on earth would they move this stuff to? Charlie doesn't have the room, and - "

"Bella, stop. Please. If you don't want them to move your Mom's stuff, I completely understand, but don't make that decision based on those two reasons. I don't want you to worry about the cost, it's taken care of. And please don't worry about space. I've already talked to Carlisle and Esme, and they have agreed that we have the perfect spot in our garage for anything you need to bring back. This way, if you don't feel like going through anything right now, you don't have to - you can bring it back to Forks, keep it here for free and you can go through it whenever you feel ready. Whatever you don't want to keep, you can donate the items to a charity here. Please don't say 'no'. You would be helping me out tremendously by letting me do this for you."

The three guys in front of me were shifting their weight from one foot to the other waiting for me to either let them in or tell them to go. One had a clipboard he had been holding out to me, and finally dropped his arm as they waited (surprisingly patiently) for me to make up my mind.

Fresh new tears streamed down my face. For the first time in longer than I could remember, they weren't tears of sadness. I felt overwhelmed.

_What friend would ever think to do something like this? _Maybe a lot of friends would, maybe I just never had that great of ones. Or maybe some friends would like to do something like this and just don't have the means. Edward did. I just didn't know if I could accept such a big gesture from someone I just started getting to know. Even though I didn't actually ask him to do anything, it felt weird for me to accept such an incredible gift.

But I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be here doing this. And I definitely didn't want to be facing this alone. This whole time I'd been here I kept telling myself I didn't have a choice. But now Edward was offering me one. Although I really hated admitting I needed the help, I knew I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I came here to do by myself - not with one arm and no transportation.

"Edward - what did you mean I would be helping you out?"

"Well, see, we have this Biology project due next week - and if you are there for the next month packing - which is how long it would take with one arm - then I'll have to do it myself, and I just don't think I am grasping the concept of mitosis enough to get us both a decent grade."

Laughter. I hadn't laughed so hard in months. If there was one thing I had no doubts where Edward was concerned, it was with his intellect, especially in Biology. I knew he was trying to lighten me up, and it worked beautifully. I opened the door wide and let the movers in so they could get started. After I told them everything needed to go except the furniture, I decided to walk outside for some fresh air and to get out of their way.

"Hey, you didn't happen to send some food along with your _three little birds _did you_?"_

It was Edward's turn to laugh.

"Ahhh - so you caught that did you? Yea, I thought that was a good song choice since they would be coming any moment. But I was right - everything is going to be all right."

As much as I thought I would hate hearing that, something inside of me felt that he was right. It __was __going to be alright. There was a gas station about a quarter of a mile from the house, so I headed in that direction, on the prowl for food, when I suddenly thought of something that was stumping me.

"Edward - how did you know where I lived?"

_**CHAPTER END NOTES:  
><strong>_

The two songs were John Mayer's _Dreaming with a Broken Heart_ and Bob Marley's _Three Little Birds__. _Of course, the Mayer song isn't about someone dying - but Bella hears in songs things that you wouldn't normally think.


	10. Cranberries and Lemonade

**CHAPTER 10: Cranberries and Lemonade**

I walked to the luggage carousel with the other passengers from my flight hoping my bags wouldn't be the last ones out like they usually are. I hated waiting and I felt exhausted. I didn't get a good night's rest the entire time I was in Phoenix. At first, it was because of the stress. But then Edward rescued me with movers _and a rental car_ and the stress was replaced with something else entirely that kept me up at night. And damn if I could make sense of it all.

...

"Edward - how did you know where I lived?"

Before I let him answer, I threw another one at him that had been bothering me -

"And how did you get this number?"

I couldn't believe I didn't ask these two questions sooner. But then, how can one really think about asking those kinds of questions when they have movers show up at their door?

He laughed. He was _laughing_ at me.

"Bella, I told you - I can _read minds._Charlie was thinking about your number so hard I could hear him from a mile away. He really wanted to call you - but he was worried you would be annoyed if he bothered you. You should definitely call him to put him at ease. Let him know how you're doing."

"Okay...I will. But that doesn't answer my first question."

"Right. Well, your former address isn't exactly guarded by the CIA, Bella. A simple Internet search worked rather easily."

"Oh." _Duh, Bella. Even you would have thought of that._

Edward stayed on the phone with me while I finished my trek to the gas station and back. He asked if I was catching a flight that night, and I could have sworn I heard something in his voice when he asked. Hope, maybe? I explained to him that even with everything boxed up and out of the house, I had quite a few loose ends to take care of down here. I really wished I didn't - I never wanted to go back to Forks as bad as I did right then.

The rest of the conversation he kept me distracted by talking about the silly games Emmett and Jasper were playing on each other and everyone else around the house - it sounded like Rosalie and Alice were involuntary participants that were trying to drag Edward into the mix, because I could hear female voices in the background through much of our conversation. He finally told one of them - Alice, I think? - to help him with something or leave him alone, but I couldn't make out what he needed her help with or anything else he said to her. I didn't care about any of it because they had Edward laughing frequently, and it was a sound that warmed me better than the Phoenix heat.

Speaking of heat, after the long walk in the hot sun, I was more than ready to get back to the house. Unfortunately, I didn't think ahead when I set out on my journey for food - I should have brought a backpack to help carry back what I bought, but of course I never made things easy. My broken wrist was the one holding the phone to my ear as I walked while my other hand carried the bags. Both arms were now throbbing with a dull pain from the strain I was putting on them, and Edward could hear it in my voice.

"Bella, how far away are you from the house?"

My phone beeped at me as I was about to answer. I paused really quick to take a look at it and saw the battery light blinking at me. _Great._

"Not too far. I should be there in about ten minutes. I don't think my phone will make it that long though. The battery is about to die on me."

Edward did his best to distract me again, knowing it helped take my mind off of the pain and it definitely helped in making the trip go by much faster. This time he chose to sing me a Beatles song...

_"What would you think if I sang out of tune,  
>Would you stand up and walk out on me.<br>Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,  
>And I'll try not to sing out of key.<br>Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,  
>I get high with a little help from my friends,<br>Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends._

_What do I do when my love is away._  
><em>(Does it worry you to be alone)<em>

_How do I feel by the end of the day  
>(Are you sad because you're on your own)<br>No, I get by with a little help from my friends,  
>Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,<br>Mmm I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends"_

I had to interrupt him as much as I hated to. My phone was definitely about to die and after that song choice, I knew I had to tell Edward something before it was too late.

"Edward - I, I just want you to know how much everything means to me. Not just the movers, but everything. I've never, well, I've never really had anyone that I considered to be a best friend other than my Mom, and you somehow always seem to be there for me when I need someone most. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I can't tell you just how thankful I am for that, for everything - for _you._"

It went so much smoother in my head. I wanted to tell Edward that I couldn't imagine surviving this past week without him. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't imagine surviving Phoenix without him. I hated that my mouth wouldn't cooperate with my head. He deserved a much bigger thank you than I was capable of delivering - especially over the phone.

"You don't have to thank me Bella. But I'm glad you _are_ okay with the help - I know you've always taken care of yourself, and I was worried you might be mad if you thought I was meddling or implying you couldn't handle it alone."

And there it was. The reason Edward was so different than everyone else. If it had been _anyone_ else to offer a helping hand without asking first I probably would have been mad - assuming they thought I couldn't handle something on my own. I knew that was a bad attitude to have, but I just didn't like handouts, and I tended to be defensive with people - it's just my nature. But with Edward, I knew it wasn't like that. He just wanted to help. He made me realize that just because I _can_ stand on my own two feet doesn't mean I always _have_ to. Edward understood that about me. It was another thing I loved about him.

Edward's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"And I should probably tell you something too before your phone dies. Since you're okay with the movers, I'm hoping you'll be okay with the other thing I worked on. You'll understand when you get to the house. Everything is already taken care of, there is nothing for you to do but sign the piece of paper they give you. There's no way I could let you do again what you just did if you're going to be there for another couple of days. And Bella? It's _already taken care of_ and you can't send it back, so please use it, and think of it as my way of getting you back here faster by making you more efficient while you're there. Because...I miss you."

Edward never gave me an opening to ask him what he was talking about. But I didn't care because I couldn't help but focus on the last thing he said. Just as he said those three little words my phone went dead. He didn't get to hear the response that came out before I could think about it. _I miss you, too._

I couldn't help but smile for the last block of my journey as I thought about Edward's words. _He missed me._

As I rounded the corner and saw what was in front of my house, he actually had me laughing. It took me all of two seconds to realize what Edward had been rambling about. I couldn't put a thing past him, that's for sure. When the guy in the rental car - who was dressed in a black suit in this hot sun - saw me approach, he got out of the car and held a clipboard out to me as he spoke.

"Miss Cullen?"

I froze.

"Huh?"

"I have a reservation for a Miss Cullen. I'm sorry should it be _Mrs._Cullen?"

The guy looked confused - but I doubt he looked more confused than me.

I wasn't sure if this was how Edward managed to get me a rental - was I supposed to pretend to be someone else? Surely he would have mentioned that little tidbit before he hung up. And what if this guy asks for an ID? I felt the heat creep up my neck to my face that had nothing to do with being in the sun.

"Yes, the reservation's for me."

I managed to squeak that out and then waited for him to ask for proof of ID or my license. He didn't do either.

"Okay, great. If you could just sign here." He pointed to a spot on the page right below the printed name of "Alice Cullen." _Oh. Right. __**That**__ Miss Cullen._ I don't know why I felt disappointment. What, did I expect it to say, _Isabella Cullen_? I had to mentally slap myself for that.

I quickly scribbled an "A" followed by a chicken scratch form of "Cullen" hoping the guy wouldn't look too closely or question me about it.

Of course, he didn't.

He handed me the keys and a paper with instructions on where to go at the airport when I was ready to turn it in. I was getting ready to ask him if I needed to give him a ride back to wherever it was he needed to go, but a shiny black car pulled up just as he walked down the driveway and he got in. And just like that, I was holding the keys to a car that actually _worked._

_..._

People started pushing me to get to their luggage, jarring me back to reality. I decided to take a step back and sit on the bench and wait. My luggage was always the last to come out anyway, and I didn't see why this time would be any different. Besides, it gave me more time alone so I could think about Edward and the past couple of days. Who would have ever thought that I would feel closer to him now than I did when I was in the same city as him? The miles didn't matter with us. We had spent so much time on the phone talking about anything and everything that I couldn't wait to see him again. I wanted to make sure it had all been real and wasn't just a really vivid dream.

_And why couldn't I stop thinking about him?_

I kept telling myself it was natural for me to think of Edward often - especially after what he did for me. Correction - after _everything_ he's done for me. But the thoughts that were keeping me awake at night had little to do with those things.

I thought about his voice and how it was soothing and musical. After talking to him on the phone several times since that first call the day the movers showed up, I actually felt an ache from within when I went any length of time not hearing from him. I thought about his laugh and how it had a magical way of melting away any stress or pain I was feeling when I heard it. I really think I could manage to live a truly happy life if I was privileged to hear that sound for the rest of it. I thought about his messy and wild reddish-brown hair that had hints of blond in it. And worse, I wondered how it might feel to run my hands through it.

I thought about his hands, and I couldn't help but remember his long and slender fingers that wrapped around my wrist that first day in Biology - his hands had been ice cold then, and the few times he's touched me since they've been the same temperature. I honestly had to wonder if something was wrong with his circulation. It made me worry about him, which inevitably made me think about how nice it would be to hold his hands in mine so I could warm them up for him.

I thought about his oddly colored topaz eyes. They reminded me of an amber ring my Mom used to wear. Sometimes, when she was inside, the ring was a darker hue - almost a dark brown. But in the light of the sun the ring looked bright reddish-orange with golden flecks that shone brightly like stars in the night sky. His eyes seemed to change color each day I saw him - they started out with that bright _amber in the sun_ hue, and the last time I saw him they were a bit darker - as if I was looking at the ring in the shade. But I thought most about how he laughed with his eyes - and whether the color was a dark or bright amber it didn't matter - they seemed to twinkle when he spoke to me. _I loved that._

I thought about his lips. The way they curved upwards sometimes so slowly that I felt myself drawn to them as I watched the formation of his smile. I thought about his face and his beautiful blemish-free skin. It was criminal for a guy to have such a flawless face. His skin was so pale it almost looked translucent. Instead of looking freakishly pale, like I often imagined people thought I looked, I thought it was the perfect tone for him. It made his eyes, hair, and lips stand out even more. But what I loved most about his face was what was hiding underneath it. His eyes and smile gave him away - you could tell by the look in his eyes and the sincerity of his expression that he was truly a genuine person.

That genuineness was part of the other thing that made me think of Edward - his words. All these superficial things were great and _very_ fun to think about, but it was replaying our conversations that kept me up at night. On the outside, it would seem like we had absolutely nothing in common. But, if a person took the time to get to know us, they would see all the similarities that I now see.

For starters, we both _love_ music. Many of our conversations have had musical themes. I've never met another person willing to have a discussion about Simon and Garfunkel and the true meaning of _Me and Julio_. Edward's theories had me laughing so hard I was crying. _And then there was our new nightly ritual._ Yes. There was _definitely_ that.

...

The rest of the day was a blur. The movers finished boxing and loading everything up and left around nine o'clock. I was sprawled out on the couch, talking to Edward with my phone plugged in for the fourth time since the morning. I couldn't help but give him a hard time about the car. We had been _discussing _it for the past ten minutes.

"Bella, stop it. Just stop it. It wasn't a big deal. _Trust me_ when I say it wasn't a big deal. It took Alice all of twenty minutes to take care of it, so technically, it wasn't even me that did it. Don't be mad, please?"

Mad. Did he really think I was mad? If only. The truth was, Edward could probably get away with just about anything - and that scared me just a little. I didn't think I was capable of being mad at him. And if I was, I was almost positive I wasn't capable of staying that way for long.

"I'm not mad Edward, I'm ... I'm ..._exasperated._ Even that isn't a good enough word. I can't possibly pay you back for everything, and I don't even know how you managed to do this one. Don't you have to be eighteen to rent a car?"

We weren't _really _arguing. Truth be told, I was having fun verbally sparring with Edward as he quickly reminded me that it wasn't in my name anyway.

"Yea, but what if I get pulled over? They always ask for registration, and if I give them a copy of the rental agreement with Alice's name on it - and no other name - what then?"

I had him. I knew I had him on this one.

"Bella, do you honestly think I believe for one second that you of all people will drive in a manner that warrants a police officer stopping them?"

Okay. He was right about that. "But what about a road block? What if I come across one of those on my way to the airport?" I was giggling. I couldn't help it - Edward was so easy to talk to that I couldn't even play argue with him very well.

I sighed. "Fine. You're right. Thank you for - "

"Bella. I swear, if you thank me one more time after I've told you at least a dozen times not to, I'm going to hang up."

His words lost their effectiveness when spoken in Edward's soft tone followed by his magical chuckle.

"No you won't. You can't hang up yet."

"Bella, I know you're tired. You have to be - you had an incredibly long day."

"I _am_ tired. But, I can't go to sleep very easily."

"Want me to sing to you?"

Oh, it was just too easy. That's _exactly_ what I wanted Edward to do. We already had figured out so much about one another - and this was the best thing to figure out. Edward could sing very well and found it amusing to sing songs I would never expect him to even know, let alone sing - and I loved hearing his voice. It was the perfect combination.

"Yes. You _know_ I love your voice."

I could almost hear him smiling through the phone. "Okay. Let me go into the other room." In less than a minute I heard a piano being played in the background.

"Edward - is that, is that _you_?"

"MmmHmmm. Do you like the piano?"

Just when I thought it wasn't possible to be drawn to him any more than I already was, he _played the piano._

"I do. What are you playing?"

He chuckled as he answered, "You might not recognize the melody, I changed it a little - but I think you'll recognize the lyrics."

And with that I leaned back into the couch, pulled the blanket up to my chin and closed my eyes while I listened.

_"Oh my life is changing everyday  
>Every possible way<br>Though my dreams, it's never quite as it seems  
>Never quite as it seems<em>

_I know I felt like this before_  
><em>But now I'm feeling it even more<em>  
><em>Because it came from you<em>

_Then I open up and see_  
><em>The person fumbling here is me<em>  
><em>A different way to be"<em>

Edward was singing the Cranberries. _He was actually serenading me with the Cranberries?_ I couldn't help but giggle a little at that, which seemed to be the response Edward was going for with some of his song choices. Earlier in the afternoon, he did a rendition of _Cornflake Girl_ that left my sides hurting from laughing so hard. But after I got over the humor, I took a minute and really listened. I loved his version of the song. It was sweet and slow - and his low velvety voice crooned into the phone with the piano beautifully.

_"I want more, impossible to ignore  
>Impossible to ignore<br>They'll come true, impossible not to do  
>Impossible not to do"<em>

Picking up the changes he made to the melody, I whispered the words to the next verse in time with Edward -

_"Now I tell you openly  
>You have my heart so don't hurt me<br>For what I couldn't find"_

Tears fell freely from my eyes as my voice got a little louder - Edward seemed to understand and kept playing as he let me sing the next verse by myself -

_"Talk to me amazing mind  
>So understanding and so kind<br>You're everything to me"_

It summed up beautifully what I wanted to tell Edward earlier but couldn't find the right words. I stopped singing and imagined what it would be like to watch him play - I knew his long fingers dancing across the keys would be just as beautiful as the sound they were creating. He slowed the song down even more and whispered out the last verse. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought he was right next to me singing low in my ear -

_"Oh my life is changing everyday  
>Every possible way<br>Though my dreams, it's never quite as it seems  
>'cause you're a dream to me<br>Dream to me"_

_...  
><em>

"Bella?"

I snapped my head up at the sound of my name as I was rudely torn from that beautiful memory.

"_Jacob?_"

I watched him walk towards me in confusion. What was he doing here?

"Hey, Bella - I'm glad I finally found you."

He smiled sheepishly at me. I was still confused.

"Where's Charlie?"

"He had something he needed to take care of. An investigation he's working on. He wanted to have Harry come get you but my Dad convinced him that you would feel more comfortable riding in a car for that long of a time with someone you've at least met once."

Harry. As in Harry Clearwater's fish fry. I knew the name, but definitely couldn't remember a face. Billy was right about that at least - I would not have been comfortable in a car for almost five hours with a complete stranger. Though, to be honest, Jacob wasn't much less of a stranger to me. And what investigation?

"So what happened, someone toilet paper a house or something?" I had to laugh. What could possibly be so bad in Forks that Charlie couldn't pass it on to a deputy so he could pick me up himself?

Jacob's facial expression turned serious. I didn't like the looks of that.

"Actually, no. Umm..it's ... well, I don't wanna worry you."

"Is Charlie okay, Jacob?"

He might not have wanted to worry me, but that's exactly what he was doing.

"He's fine. Let's just ... let's get your bags and get to the car, we have plenty of time to talk on the way home."

Well, he was right about that. Seattle was about a five hour drive from Forks. _Lovely_. I couldn't help the sarcasm from oozing out. Edward had done a great job of keeping it in check for the past couple of days, and five minutes with Jacob and I was back to my old snarky self.

My bags finally made their way down and Jacob grabbed them and started walking towards the glass doors to get to the parking deck. When we got to the deck and Jacob stopped, I almost wanted to cry. He drove the red truck Charlie bought me and was climbing into the driver's side after carelessly tossing my bags in the bed. This was _not _going to work.

I stood outside the truck trying to decide what to do. I could demand he let me drive, but with my cast sticking out like a sore thumb I knew he would put up a fight. I could explain how I can't get into a car with a teenager behind the wheel because of what happened with my Mom, but that felt too personal. And besides, I did get in Edward's car. _But that was different, and it was Edward. _Finally realizing I wasn't getting into the truck Jacob slowly got out of the cab and walked towards me.

"Is everything okay?"

He looked confused - and I was immediately reminded of the rental car guy's expression when I froze at the name he called me. My lips had a mind of their own as they curled up in a smile at the memory. I shook my head as I spoke -

"No. Jacob, I'm sorry - but I drove while I was in Phoenix even with the wrist - it's not as hard as you might think, and I would feel more comfortable if I drove, so could you please give me the keys?"

He still looked confused. His confusion turned into indignation as he told me _he_ would feel more comfortable if _he _drove. Typical male.

"Jacob, if I remember correctly, Charlie paid Billy for that truck, so it's now mine, not yours. Therefore, I'm driving it, not you."

He was shaking his head, and before he could respond, I finished him off by giving him my best bitchy tone as I told him I would not get in the car with him behind the wheel, _that's _how uncomfortable I was with him driving.

He finally caved and handed over the keys. Sheesh. The things a girl had to do to drive her own truck.

As we started out on the road, Jacob asked about the trip. I wasn't sure what all Charlie had told him, but to be polite, I gave him the cliff notes version of what happened before I came to Forks and what I went back for these past couple of days. Jacob thought for a minute before giving a response.

"You know what they say - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

_Did he seriously just say that?_ As if you could compare losing not only my Mother but my family and way of life to a drunk teenager then losing my comfortable home and having to move to a strange place, and on top of everything - having to come back to the place I lost everything only to have to emotionally go through it all over again as I packed my former life away in neat little boxes. My thoughts were swirling around in my head so fast in reaction I could barely comprehend them all. He _seriously_ did **not **tell me to make lemonade.

This, right here, was why I never dated in Phoenix and why Mike or Eric would never stand a chance with me - it wasn't because I was a snob or because I thought they weren't good enough - it was because I couldn't relate to guys my age. Instead of feeling comforted by Jacob, I wanted to choke him. To my knowledge, that wasn't a normal reaction to the everyday teenage male. I had that reaction with all of them - except one. I would take Edward's _Cranberries_ over Jacob's _lemonade _every time. Edward made sense to me. I somehow managed to make sense to him.

The good thing about Jacob was that he was starting to make me see what I couldn't understand before. I loved Edward. More than that. I already knew I loved him - the way I expect anyone loves a best-friend or even a family member. But now I felt something else - I was falling for Edward, and it scared me. I knew I was only a friend to him. Someone he could find refuge in from the thoughts and sounds of everyone else on this planet. I was special to him - I knew that much - but not in the way I wanted to be.

An hour had passed before Jacob or I spoke again. It was painfully boring to be riding with Jacob, but at least he wasn't talking mindlessly just to fill the void. I stayed alert by thinking of Edward. I couldn't wait for school on Monday so I could see him again. Just as I was thinking about him, my phone rang. I fished it out of my bag and flipped it open before looking at the name. I knew who it was. I held it to my ear with my bad hand and kept my good hand on the steering wheel.

"Hello?"

"Are you heading back yet?"

"Yep. I'm on the highway now. And I'm _driving_ so try not to distract me too much."

Edward muttered something about driving and talking, but I couldn't stop the wide smile from spreading across my face just by hearing his voice.

"Did you call me to pick a fight, Cullen?"

I was laughing as I said it, but my smile instantly faded. Something felt wrong. I shot a glance out of the corner of my eye at Jacob and was startled at the way he was glaring at me.

"Um, Edward - can I, can I call you back in a little bit?" I didn't want to get off the phone, but I had to know what _that_ was about.

"Sure. Just give me a call if you get tired or want some company." After saying my goodbye and hanging up, I turned my focus pointedly at Jacob -

"Why the hell are you looking at me like that?" I felt my face flush - not out of embarrassment - but out of anger.

"Was that Edward _Cullen_?"

"What's it to you?" How did he even know Edward? Jacob didn't even go to our school. And why the hell would it matter to him who I talked to?

"Bella - you should know that your father is out investigating a _death_. And not an accidental one, though he at first thought it was an animal attack, and I suspect he still does despite what my Dad tried to tell him."

"What. Are. You. Talking. About.?" I gritted out my question from clenched teeth.

"Charlie is investigating a suspicious death. It hasn't been ruled as a murder yet - some think it was an animal attack, but that's why Charlie couldn't pick you up. It happened last night. Charlie didn't want to tell you until you got back. Apparently, you went to school with the guy. Some kid named Tyler."

I couldn't believe what Jacob just told me. Tyler Crowley? The kid wasn't even eighteen yet and he was dead?

"What do you mean Charlie thinks it's an animal attack and Billy doesn't. What does Billy think it was?"

"Maybe you should ask Cullen." He shot me another death glare as he spoke.

"Why the hell would I do that? And what does _Edward_ - his name is _Edward_- have to do with what happened to Tyler?"

"Maybe you should ask your boyfriend, _Edward,_what it has to do with him. All I know is that everything on the reservation is nuts right now. Everyone is keyed up and no one is allowed out alone - we all have to travel in packs. Whatever killed Tyler sure as hell wasn't an animal from these parts, if it was an animal at all - the rumor is that his body was almost completely drained of blood. Now you tell me what animal does that?"

Jacob was yelling at me as he spoke. I still didn't understand what one thing had to do with the other. Charlie was investigating Tyler's death. _Tyler was dead?_Edward had been singing to me all weekend. What was Jacob trying to accuse him of?

"I don't know what you're driving at Jacob, but I'm going to explain something very plainly for you. Do not, and I mean, DO NOT EVER speak that way about Edward to me, or anyone else for that matter, again. Do you hear me? You have _no idea_ what you're talking about. Edward happens to be my best friend, and I won't tolerate _anyone _talking badly about him. Are we clear?"

Jacob mumbled something about "girls" and what I thought sounded like "pale faces" and stared out the window without answering me.

The silence for the next few hours was golden. Jacob stared out his window the entire time as I trained my eyes on the road in front of me, not once did either of us break it by speaking. I wasn't sure I'd ever willingly talk to the kid after this trip.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we finally got to Forks. The road trip from hell was finally going to be over, and Jacob was taking his sweet time getting out of the truck. I barely waited for him to shut the door before I backed out and headed down the road to my house. _Now I just have to figure out what in the world is going on._

**Chapter End Notes:**

_Cornflake Girl_ is an older song by Tori Amos. The song Edward sang to Bella was _Dreams_ by the Cranberries.


	11. Sanctuary

**CHAPTER 11: Sanctuary**

"Are you sure you don't want to just drive the truck?"

Charlie had asked me this at least three times this morning. I let out an exaggerated sigh.

"_No._ I'm fine. Let's just _go._"

"Bells, I'm just going to offer my condolences to Terry and Karen. I can't stay for the service. I just don't want you to have to walk home. I know you usually do the walk anyway, but it's different - there's a bad storm moving in, and I don't want you caught in the rain."

Tyler's memorial service was being held in the High School gym. Being that he was so young and everyone that went to Forks High School knew him, the family and the community decided the gym was the only place that could hold all the people that would show up to pay their respects. Besides, school was canceled today anyway.

I didn't like the idea of walking home either. But, I didn't want to take my own car, as that way I could leave without question the same time my Dad did. I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't even want to go to begin with. I knew I had to anyway. Everyone would be there from school, and it would be weird to be the only one not there. As invisible as I liked to imagine myself being among my classmates, I knew even _that_ wouldn't go unnoticed. Besides, today wasn't about me and my hang ups. I genuinely felt sorry for the Crowley family. I knew what it was like putting a parent in the ground, but I couldn't even begin to imagine what it was like having to do that for a child. No, today wasn't the day to be selfish.

I realized I had yet to answer my Dad, and he was still standing by the door trying to decide how we were going. I also didn't want to show up by myself. And although this day wasn't about me, I was very aware that I might not make it through the entire service no matter how hard I tried. I wanted an escape plan.

"Dad, please, it's fine. If it's raining then, I'll get a ride home with someone. All my classmates will be there. I'm sure one of them could give me a ride. It will be _fine._ I'm positive."

With that, we left the house and headed to the High School.

We walked into the gym, and I was instantly in shock. It looked as though the entire town was filing into the rows of chairs set up on the gym floor. The bleachers had all been pushed back to the sides of the walls and replaced with rows of white-clothed tables holding flowers and pictures. There were framed pictures of Tyler everywhere. Charlie went to go find Tyler's parents, so I decided to look more closely at the tables. The first one had a guest book open with pages of signatures already filling it. I didn't think Charlie would think to sign it, so I went ahead and wrote both our names in it. I knew it probably didn't matter - I never looked at the one we had for my Mom. I didn't even know where it was.

I slowly walked up the row of tables looking at all the framed pictures as I went. There were plenty of Tyler as a kid and as a baby, and several of him by himself. But the majority of the pictures were of him in a group of friends. Tyler, Eric, and Mike when they were little kids chasing each other with what looked like worms of some sort. Tyler and Lauren in the 7th or 8th grade dressed up for a school dance. Lauren was in several pictures with just her and Tyler, and I remembered that she and him were one of those "on again, off again" couples that always end up together at some point throughout the year. In fact, I was pretty sure I heard that Tyler was supposed to be taking her to the spring fling in a month.

My stomach tightened as I thought about that. I never really thought what it would be like for his friends. Mike and Eric were in almost every group picture, and even Angela and Jessica were in the majority of them. What struck me the most was that in every single picture it looked like Tyler was either laughing or had a huge smile on his face. He was such a happy kid. Another person full of life that died way too young.

"Bella! You're back?"

I turned around at the sound of my name and saw Angela walking toward me. I smiled warmly at her. It occurred to me the last time I spoke to her was when I called her up and made the strange request to think about me being in Phoenix. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Yeah, I just got back into town yesterday. I'm so sorry, Angela, I know you guys were close friends."

Her smile pulled down into a straight line and she nodded. Her eyes were glistening with fresh tears, but she looked at me, shook her head and pulled herself together.

"Yeah, we were. I mean, all of us were - you know? Anyway - um, I thought you weren't coming back for another week. How did everything go?"

As sad as I was for Angela and the loss everyone was feeling, I couldn't help but match her careful smile with one of my own.

"It went better than I expected. I ended up getting a lot more help than I ever imagined I could, which made everything much easier. And I know you thought about me that day that I asked you to, so I just want to say thank you."

I couldn't tell her that my trip went so much better than I thought possible because of her letting Edward know about me. It was because of her that Edward and I were even closer now than anyone else I've ever known my age. Actually, now that my Mom was gone, he's the closest person to me period.

"Well, I did think about you that day - but how did you know that?"

"Because things went so well, I knew you must have. Besides, you're the type of person that keeps your promises. You're a good person and a good friend, Angela. I know Tyler was lucky to have you in his life."

With that I gave her a quick but strong hug as I saw the tears make a reappearance. Soft music started playing and ushers were asking people to find their seats. I told Angela I would catch up with her later and headed towards the back of the gym as Angela reunited with her family towards the front. Charlie was motioning towards me by the doors, and I knew he was about to leave.

I walked towards him and thought about how hard it must be for him. The investigation was still ongoing. Tyler's parents decided to have a quick service on Monday despite not having Tyler's body back from the medical examiner yet. They said they just couldn't wait that long. I'm sure Charlie wanted to be able to tell them that he knew what happened, but he still didn't know.

After I dropped Jacob off yesterday, I had gone straight home and waited at the kitchen table for Charlie to get home. He was annoyed to hear that Jacob told me and didn't wait for him to tell me first. He was also very angry when I brought up Jacob's insinuating remarks about the Cullen family. After I assured Charlie that I didn't believe any of it, and chose that moment to tell him that Edward was my closest friend, Charlie admitted that Billy and Jacob weren't the only ones to talk about the Cullens negatively and that the whispers started long before Tyler's death. I was relieved to hear that Charlie didn't agree with anything said, and he actually liked the Cullen family. He was actually glad to hear that I made friends with one of them and said he wished more people were as open-minded as me.

Of course, Charlie also asked if I was a _good_ friend of Tyler's, the "good" implying that we were, at a minimum, friends of some sort. I knew he was worried that this was too much for me. I told him we only had a few classes together and that we never really talked that much. I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't talk much to _any _of my classmates because I chose to be incredibly anti-social with everyone but Edward. Although it was more of a survival technique than anything, I didn't think Charlie would understand or approve of that.

I closed the distance between Charlie and I and debated whether I should leave right after him or at least try to make it through some of the service. Leaving was winning out when Charlie interrupted my thoughts.

"Bells, I gotta get going. I have to meet... "

Charlie was interrupted by a familiar voice calling our names.

"Chief Swan, Bella."

Dr. Cullen walked in followed by his entire family and extended his hand out to Charlie and nodded at me. Charlie smiled warmly at the Doctor and took his hand without hesitation.

"Dr. Cullen, good to see you again."

Dr. Cullen extended an arm out to the woman next to him and who I knew from Edward to be Esme, his adopted Mom.

"Chief, I don't believe you've officially met my wife, Esme. And these are my children - Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Edward."

Charlie shook hands with Esme, waved to the kids and said hello before turning back to Dr. Cullen.

"Well, I was just telling Bella here that I have to get going. I have a meeting with the Kitsap County Sheriff at 1:30 for a possible lead his deputies found. If you don't mind, maybe Bella could sit with your family? I hate to leave her to sit by herself."

Charlie squeezed my shoulders as he made this last request and didn't even bother to notice that my face had turned as bright red as the dead cardinal painted on the game banner that hung above the gym doors that no one thought to take down before the service.

"_Dad,_ I told you I would be _fine_."

This was the first time I was meeting Edward's family, and I was already humiliated. Rosalie lightly snorted, and I could tell she was trying not to laugh, but to my relief and curiosity, Alice shot her a death glare and then softened her look as she turned to me and smiled warmly. Edward seemed to not even care what his family did or thought and was just looking at me with a huge grin on his face.

I didn't care that Charlie was standing right next to me - one look at Edward and I couldn't stop my legs from walking towards him if I wanted to. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him as hard as I could. Edward squeezed me back and leaned his head down so his lips were right next to my ear.

"Good to see you, too."

His whisper went unnoticed by Charlie who left as Dr. Cullen assured him I wouldn't be left alone. I pulled back and smiled gratefully at Edward - trying to convey all the thanks I could possibly give him for everything he did for me in Phoenix. I knew I had already thanked him a number of times, but I still didn't feel like it was enough. I let go of Edward as the family moved toward the last row of chairs in the back of the gym. Before everyone took a seat, Esme quickly came over to stand next to me and gave me a quick hug.

"It's nice to meet you Bella, though I do wish it were under different circumstances. We've heard a lot about you from Edward, and I just want you to know that everything arrived safely and you are welcome over at our house at any time you feel you want to go through things. Don't hesitate to ask Edward to bring you over."

I remembered that it was Esme and Dr. Cullen that assured Edward they had no problem having my Mom's stuff moved into their garage. I hugged Esme back and thanked her for her kindness. She walked over to Dr. Cullen, and they took their seats next to Rosalie who was already sitting down. Emmett walked by me with a quick "nice to meet you" and then sat next to Rosalie. Jasper followed him and gave a quick "hello" before taking his seat. Alice, who was holding Jasper's hand, let go as she walked by me and stopped to introduce herself much like Esme did.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Bella. I've been hoping I'd get to meet you soon."

She gave a meaningful look at Edward before turning back to me to give me a quick hug. Alice was the sibling I looked forward to meeting the most because of how much Edward talked about her. I remembered that it was Alice that actually helped Edward get me the car, and I wanted to let her know how much I appreciated that.

"Thank you, Alice. For the car, I mean. I know you helped Edward with that, and I can't tell you how much it helped."

Alice shrugged it off with a smile and went to sit next to Jasper. Edward and I made our way over to the last two chairs on the end. The introductions went better than I hoped, but I was relieved to be sitting on the end with Edward. We sat down just in time as the Pastor walked to the front of the gym and asked everyone to please rise as the Crowley family walked up to the front and got settled in the first row of chairs. I tried not to look at them. The tear-stained face of Karen, Tyler's Mom, was too heartbreaking to take.

The Pastor's voice bellowed out from his microphone as he asked everyone to please be seated. "Thank you all for being here. As I look out into the sea of faces gathered here with us today, I can't help but be in awe of how many lives were touched by the young man we are here to remember..."

The Pastor went on to talk about Tyler and his family. Someone went up to the front to do a reading. Someone else went up to talk about Tyler's love for his friends. I didn't pay attention to the words. Not because I didn't care, but because it was just easier not to. Instead, I scanned the crowd and looked at all the people that were here. I spotted Lauren and saw that she was sitting perfectly still in the chair right behind Karen Crowley's. Someone let out a loud sob somewhere to the left, and as Lauren slowly turned to look to see where the sound came from, a lump formed in my throat immediately. Her eyes were swollen from what I assumed to be a combination of crying and lack of sleep. But even more startling was what I could see in her eyes all the way back to where I was sitting - they were lifeless. She had a blank look on her face, and when she turned to see where the sound came from, it looked as though it was out of habit instead of curiosity. Her face was almost emotionless, and the tear streaks messing up her make-up were the only indication of her pain.

She reminded me of _me_.

I had to get out of there. Seeing Lauren like that brought back too many painful memories, and I knew I was about to lose it. A silent prayer had been answered as the Forks High School chorus came together on the right side of the gym providing enough of a distraction for me to make my escape without being noticed. Edward sensed my discomfort and without even saying anything to me or his family, stood up in one fluid moment, grabbed my hand, and led me out the back door.

As soon as we got outside, I took a deep breath and thanked him.

"You want to get out of here?"

I nodded enthusiastically but then remembered his family. "What about your family? Won't they wonder where we went?"

Edward shook his head as he led me to his car. "No, they'll be fine. They'll understand. So where do you want to go?"

I hadn't thought that far ahead. I just wanted to get out of _there._I didn't care where I went. "It doesn't matter to me. Somewhere that I can be distracted."

Edward smiled and said he knew the perfect place to go. As he drove away from the school, he let his right hand find my left and lightly squeezed it in the most comforting way imaginable. From the short time he knew me, he already knew exactly how to relax me. I leaned my head against the headrest and closed my eyes. Not because I was scared of Edward's driving, but because I wasn't. It occurred to me that I couldn't imagine myself ever _not_ being comfortable around Edward no matter what the circumstances.

We traveled for several minutes like that, him holding my hand while I closed my eyes and tried not to think. Another thing I loved about Edward - there were no uncomfortable silences. The quietness between us felt natural and even comforting, instead of awkward like it could with other people.

Edward slowed down and gave my hand a slightly stronger squeeze, letting me know we were here, wherever _here _was. I opened my eyes and looked at the forest in front of us. I looked questioningly at Edward, and his musical laugh filled the car.

"We can't drive any further. We have to walk the rest of the way."

My eyes grew wide as I took in what he just said. I'm never one to really dress up on a normal day, but being that I just came from a memorial service, I looked down at my ballet flats and black skirt and was wondering just how much walking Edward thought I could do in a forest. He seemed to guess what I was thinking and before I had a chance to say anything, he eyed my shoes and skirt.

"Yes, well, I guess I didn't really think about that part. But I think we can get around that."

It was my turn to laugh. Edward seemed to always have solutions even before he knew there was a problem. He got out of the car, and I jumped out and followed. He walked around to me and asked if I trusted him. What kind of question was that?

"Of course I trust you." I looked at him questioningly, not understanding, before he grabbed my arm and picked me up so I swung around him and was sitting piggy-back style on his back.

"What are you _doing_?"

"You said you trusted me, right?"

"Well, yes... in theory."

"Then close your eyes and promise me you won't open them until I tell you to, okay?"

How could I say no?

I grabbed a hold of his shirt and squeezed my eyes shut and whispered an "okay" in his ear before I felt his hands cover mine holding me tightly to him. Before I had time to comprehend why I had my eyes closed, I felt wind hitting my face. I could tell we were moving, but I didn't think Edward was walking - it felt instead as if we were on some sort of fast ski lift. The thought almost made me laugh since I knew that was impossible. I stopped thinking about it and just nestled my head in the space between Edward's jaw and shoulder and enjoyed the proximity to him. Who cares what was going on? I had my legs and arms wrapped around Edward and our faces were almost touching.

The air slowed down and Edward gently guided me off his back and onto the grass below me. He told me I could open my eyes, and when I did my mouth dropped open. It was _beautiful._"It's the meadow I come to a lot when I want to be alone or need a break from everything. I just thought it was the perfect place for you."

It was. It looked magical. Little blue, purple and white flowers were blooming everywhere and I imagined a Tinkerbell-like fairy hovering over the meadow throwing out flower seeds as if it were pixie dust in an attempt to add color to the magnificent greenery. The flowers accented the moss covered trees and the lush grass perfectly, but in truth, I would have found it almost as beautiful without the added color. I told Edward just how much I loved it.

"I was hoping you would."

He grabbed my hand again and led me to the middle of the meadow where he sat down and pulled me down next to him. A storm was moving in and was supposed to be here sometime this afternoon, but it hadn't rained in at least two days so the ground was surprisingly dry. I let my head fall back and stretched out completely in the grass. It was incredibly comfortable. Edward swung his legs out from his sitting position and rolled onto his side so he was facing me, propping his head up with his right hand.

"So what was it that made uneasy? Was it the chorus about to sing?"

I should have figured that was why Edward sensed my discomfort so easily. He knew how I felt about hearing music in public.

"No, actually I didn't even have time to think about that. It was Lauren. I saw her face when she turned her head and I just..."

I trailed off not wanting to finish the sentence. _I just lost it thinking about that day I looked just like her._

Edward nodded and told me how she wasn't really thinking about anything which he thought was kind of odd.

"I understand that though. It's the same way I was. If you could have read my mind at my Mom's service, you probably would have found the same thing with me. She's numb. I could see it in her eyes. It made me feel really bad for her."

Edward reached out with his left hand and lightly held mine in his.

"I'm glad you're back."

I turned and met his amber eyes and told him I was, too.

We didn't say anything else for a long time. We just stayed like that - lying on the ground, hand in hand, while Edward hummed and sang different songs to both relax me and humor me at the same time.

I could have stayed like that forever.

After what I assumed was a couple of hours - I wasn't wearing a watch to be sure - Edward and I started talking about everything that had happened these past couple of weeks. I remembered he told me once on the phone that one of the reasons he liked being around me was because he couldn't hear my thoughts. The question I had been scared to ask at the time seemed easier to ask now.

"Is that the only reason you like being around me? Because you can't, ya' know, read my mind?" A part of me didn't really believe that was the only reason, but the insecure part of me couldn't help but ask.

Edward thought about his answer before he spoke. "At first, it _was_ what drew me to you. You have to understand, Bella, I can hear every single thought from everyone else. I've learned to tune people's thoughts out as best as I can, but sometimes I can't. In a room full of people like today - when everyone was in mourning - I heard so many unpleasant things I wanted out of there as badly as you."

Edward rolled onto his back, but turned his head so he was still looking at me and continued to hold my hand. He drew circles on my palm with his finger as he continued.

"People really aren't meant to have every thought they have shared with someone else. I've always felt bad for people, them not knowing I can read their minds, so they don't know they should try and censor what they're thinking. It's easy being near you. Don't get me wrong - sometimes it's frustrating not knowing what you're thinking, but I'll take the frustration any day over the alternative. You make me feel normal. Not to mention, I can focus on your mind and the silence I get back helps quiet the thoughts around me. That's what I was doing the entire time we were sitting in that room. I was too focused on you to try and quiet the thoughts around me."

He took another moment and this time reached across my waist and pulled me closer to him. He put his right arm underneath me so I was snuggled up against him and squeezed me gently. I let my senses take over. His scent was intoxicating, and I couldn't help but take a deep breath to take more in. For as lean as he looked on the outside, he felt surprisingly hard and muscular underneath his clothes. I draped my right arm over his stomach before I even realized what I was doing. I felt so at ease with Edward that it just seemed like the most natural thing to do. He didn't even flinch, and I listened as he started talking again.

"But that isn't the only reason I want to be around you. You make me feel better about myself in the most unsuspecting ways. Your perspective of the world is completely different from my own, and hearing your take on it is like getting to take a breath of fresh air. As you once said, I'm _Here Comes the Sun_ and you're _Eleanor Rigby_. But I admire that about you. You have had this really awful thing happen to you, yet you have sincere compassion for _life_, and strangely you see yourself as being bitter and cynical. I don't see that at all, but I understand why you do.

At first, I wanted to be near you because I craved the silence. The more I found out about you, the more I wanted to protect you from having to go through anything else. And now? Now, I don't know what I want. I want to be near you, always it seems. I love talking to you, I love making you laugh, and I love seeing your smile and knowing that it's there because of something I said or did. But I'm scared that I want too much and not enough at the same time."

I closed my eyes as Edward talked and took in every word. His last sentence summed up exactly what I was thinking myself. He was my best friend. But I knew I wanted more. I was terrified for wanting more because I knew that I would never find another friend like Edward, and I didn't want to do or say anything to ruin that. As easily as we were lying in the grass, it was almost too easy. Even with the physical contact, it felt completely platonic. I wasn't sure how to shift things to feel more intimate, and after hearing what Edward said, I honestly couldn't tell if he wanted the shift or not. It had the potential of being completely frustrating. But with my arm across his stomach and my head on his chest, I simply didn't have that frustrated feeling. Platonic or not, Edward was my comfort in a world that I seemed to always feel uncomfortable in. Being his best friend was enough for now.

We talked about other things for the next hour until Edward finally said he should get me home. The sky had turned a darker gray, and I could tell the storm was finally about to hit Forks. Edward said aloud exactly what I was thinking and told me to close my eyes the same way he did when we first arrived. In what seemed less than a minute, Edward was gently putting me down by the opening of the forest where we started. I laughed as I got down and asked if he was going to explain to me how we were moving through the forest so fast when the look Edward was making suddenly made me freeze.

Edward told me to get in the car as he coldly stared out at something on the opposite side of the road at the other opening of the forest. I did as he asked as quickly as I could, knowing something was very wrong. Edward got into the driver side of the car much quicker than I thought possible. As he started the car and threw it in reverse, I looked at the forest opening where Edward had been looking trying to see what was there. It was too dark to see anything, and Edward didn't have his headlights on yet to help the situation. As Edward whipped the car around, a streak of lightning lit up the dark sky and illuminated the forest just enough to show three silhouettes standing at the forest's edge.

I looked at Edward who still had his jaw flexed and his eyes trained on the windshield.

"Edward - who _were_ they?"

His jaw twitched, and I could tell immediately that he felt extremely uncomfortable with my question.

"Bella, I think we need to talk."

**Chapter End Notes:**

I picked the Cardinals from the Winlock High School mascot which is a real rival team of Forks High School.


	12. A Face You Know

**CHAPTER 12: A Face You Know**

_**EPOV**_

Two weeks. It felt like a virtual minute and a lifetime rolled into one. By far the worst 14 days of my existence. I thought something would have changed by now. Surely two weeks feels longer to a human than to me. But... _nothing._

I walked through the woods to give relief to Jasper. I had been walking a lot more often these past several days - something that usually feels rather unnatural to our kind. My family, while never actually vocalizing anything to me, had unspoken concerns about my new habit. After all, I was by far the fastest of any of us and used my gift almost as regularly as the one I couldn't stop using if I wanted to.

Except with _Bella._I couldn't read her mind. The second I realized this, I felt concern, fear, surprise, and delight all at the same time. In the century that I've existed on this earth with my little talent and all the countless humans and vampires that I've come into contact with, she was the first to present me with a mental brick wall. Understandably, I was fascinated by this.

My curiosity was overshadowed, however, by the image in Alice's mind of me feasting on her extraordinarily delectable blood. Of _course,_I would kill the one creature in this world that could offer me peace and silence in a world of constant chatter and noise. It was in that moment, sitting in the cafeteria, that I felt she was placed in front of me as a personal offering from the devil himself.

I saw in Alice's vision that tasting her wouldn't be enough to satisfy my thirst, and I would just _have _to completely engorge myself on her. I immediately loathed her meager existence for simultaneously offering me the possibility of both immense comfort and incredible pain. I knew in that instant I had to leave.

My family, for the most part and to their credit, didn't try to stop me. Alice knew better, and because of her approval, Jasper had offered his support early on. Esme was the hardest to convince. She didn't seem to care what Alice saw, she knew in her still heart that I wouldn't hurt an innocent human. I wished her confidence mirrored my own. But I knew what Alice saw, what _I_ saw. And I knew that left me without a choice. Because killing her was not something for which I would ever have been able to forgive myself.

I slowed down my pace even more. I knew Jasper wasn't expecting me for several more minutes, and I didn't want to arrive any earlier than I had to. Despite what Rosalie seemed to think, this was not _fun _for me. It was absolutely excruciating to maintain such a distance, and yet I felt pathetically helpless when I wasn't out here doing this. It was the worst kind of contradiction.

My thoughts wandered to Alaska and my decision to come back to Forks. Had I made the right one? I certainly thought so at the time. My family was all I had. The few years I spent away from Carlisle and Esme early in my existence was the loneliest time imaginable. After the arrival of Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice it never really occurred to me to describe my time as lonely.

Not until I went to Alaska did that feeling of being alone in the world consume me. Oddly - and to my surprise - it wasn't the absence of my family that gave me that feeling. In the moment I realized that Bella's mind was out of my reach, my mind craved her proximity. The pull I felt from her silent thoughts made me think of her every single moment I spent away from her in the Alaskan home of our "extended" family. It was there, lying in the snow, unable to stop thinking of her, I realized it was her quiet mind I craved most - not her blood. That realization allowed me to come home confident that my desire to be near her would be powerful enough to prevent me from causing or even allowing any harm to come to her.

It was in the spirit of that prevention that I was making my way through the forest and heading to the stretch that bordered the Swan property. I had started this post that fateful night just two weeks ago. Someone from my family would relieve me every so often to allow me time to hunt. Rosalie was the most vocal in her protests about this, but reluctant or not, dutifully took up post as often as the rest of the family. Although unwilling to admit it out loud, I knew she agreed with my reasons for doing this. It was the only reason I felt comfortable leaving Bella's protection in her care when it was her turn to relieve me.

My family all agreed that Bella's safety was at risk. Emmett wanted to be proactive by removing the risk rather than passively defending her, if necessary. I was in complete agreement with him. But I also agreed with Carlisle and knew attacking the threat head on had the potential of dangerous and deadly consequences - not just for Bella, but for all of us. We simply didn't know enough about them. Others of our kind typically traveled alone or in pairs, and there were three of them. While we certainly outnumbered them, I wasn't around them long enough to determine if they were the only three we needed to worry about.

It was rather unique to have a coven like ours. Not only were there seven of us, but we settled in places for years at a time instead of maintaining a nomadic existence like the majority of our kind. I could tell these three were nomadic by nature, so even without hearing their thoughts I was alarmed by their presence in the forest. I knew they were behind the Crowley kid's death. I also knew that it had been a couple of days since their feeding and normally, nomads of our kind would have moved on to their next place by now.

Fortunately for me, I didn't have to rely on assumptions to understand why they were still here. The blond male of the group was interested in my family. He wanted to know more about our lifestyle as we obviously maintained a very different one from his own. But it was what came across his mind that night that electrified every dead cell in my body. As they watched me carry Bella out of the forest, gently placing her on the ground, they couldn't understand why I was being so careful with her. They were confused by my scent - very different from others of our kind since I fed on animal blood alone - and they came to the conclusion that I was an oddity enjoying a human as a pet. Before I could get Bella into the car, her scent was carried to them by the treacherous breeze, and they thought - rather loudly - that it was such a waste for such sweet blood to not be tasted and enjoyed.

As much as I wanted to rip apart each one of them limb by limb right then and there, it was Bella's concerned look in response to my obvious change in demeanor that reminded me of the danger. I couldn't leave Bella unprotected while I tried fighting three of them by myself. And maybe, just maybe, if I got her out of there fast enough, they would prove to be as fickle as it was in our nature to be. Maybe they would lose interest and just leave Forks for good.

Or maybe I should have known I wasn't meant to be that lucky.

I was close enough to our designated tree to hear Jasper trying to make sense of a feeling he was getting from someone in the house. He wasn't sure yet if it was coming from Bella or Charlie.

"Jasper." I said his name barely above a whisper to let him know it was me approaching.

_You have to do better than that if you think you can sneak up on me, Edward. I've felt your presence for the last five minutes. What _took_ you so long, anyway?_

Rarely did any of my family find it useful to vocalize their end of a conversation when alone with me.

"I wanted to walk. Anything new?"

_Edward, _what_ is going on with you? Why don't you just tell her?_

This was a constant battle with Jasper and Alice. Alice, of course, wanted me to talk to Bella for her own reasons. Jasper wanted me to come clean to Bella, hoping it would put me in a better mood - something he said would be a major improvement in his own quality of life. But I couldn't. The thought of telling Bella the truth terrified me.

"Jasper, I've told all of you this before. How can you ask me to put her through something like this? How do I explain to her that when she thought her world was turned upside down just a couple of months ago, that it didn't even come close to comparing to the kind of turmoil her life will be in now. _Because of me_, no less! And do I even need to mention the danger exposure poses to _all_ of us? If it was just about me risking myself, then fine - but how can you and Alice keep asking me to put our entire family at risk?"

_Don't start with that, Edward. You don't want to tell her the truth then fine, but don't blame it on the rest of the family. You and I both know it isn't exposure that you're afraid of._

"Jasper -"

_No - I'm not done. You didn't bring this on her. You have to know that. And can't you see what you're putting her through by distancing yourself from her? Damn Edward, I hate relieving you because I can feel her pain from a mile away. Her loneliness is suffocating. It was like that with her the whole time you were in Alaska. It was so hard to go to school and just be in the same hallway or cafeteria with the girl. Since you've been back, and have taken the time to get to know her and become her friend, she's been indescribably better. And now she's almost back to what she was. How is _that_ any better than just telling her the truth?_

"It's not like I just up and left, Jasper. I'm here every day and every night - even if she doesn't know it. I've tried talking to her at school, and _she's_ the one who doesn't want to talk to _me_, remember? She told me she needed space. I'm just trying to do what I can for her. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but it's the only thing I know to do."

I couldn't blame Bella for being mad at me, of course. In any other situation, I would have been hell bent on correcting her misunderstanding of what I was saying. But when I told her we needed to talk and explained that I couldn't spend time with her outside of school anymore, she came to the conclusion I should have seen coming.

Bella had turned into a turtle before my very eyes. Although I couldn't hear her thoughts, her body language was screaming at me loud and clear. She hugged her knees to her chest and tucked her head down and to the side, looking out the passenger side window so I couldn't see her face. When I tried to give her an explanation for what I said, I could sense that my words were completely lost. She had already retreated into her shell, and in that moment there wasn't anything I could say to bring her back out. It was her defense mechanism, and I couldn't blame her for using it.

And how was I supposed to explain all of this to her anyway? How was I supposed to tell her it was only temporary so the Crowley kid's murderers wouldn't take an interest in her? How could I explain anything without lying and without telling her what I was? I couldn't think of any way to do it, so I just kept silent and let her think what she was thinking. If I were physically capable, I would have been weeping in the car when I dropped her off. She didn't slam the door or yell at me or say anything out of spite. She quietly stepped out, said good night, and walked away.

I had tried talking to her the next day in Biology. She didn't even look at me as she told me she just needed some space and to just let her have time to adjust.

I didn't want her to adjust. I didn't want her to get used to the idea of me not wanting to be around her. It was excruciating to know she thought I felt that way. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. It was selfish of me, I know - but how could she possibly accept me for what I was?

_You can't keep this going much longer. I know you don't want to hear this, but you're hurting her Edward. I can feel it and you have to know it when you look at her. I know how strongly you feel about her, and I know you want to protect her. But at what cost? Is it better for her to be miserable as long as she's still alive? Is that all you want for her?_

"Of course not!"

I knew I had hurt her. But having her hurt and having her alive seemed better than the alternative.

I shook my head and rounded on Jasper. It would be really nice if he and Alice would stop telling me everything I'm doing wrong and provide solutions that would keep her _alive_.

"What do you want me to do, Jasper? You have all the answers, right? You want me to walk up to her window right now and what should I say? How about this - 'Hey Bella, I'm sorry about that night. I had a great time with you in the meadow, but I can't hang out with you anymore because I'm worried that the vampires that killed Tyler Crowley will take an interest in you and try to kill you, too. What? How do I know all of this? Oh simple, because I'm a vampire, too. Yes, and that's why I left when you first moved here. I couldn't handle the smell of your blood. I wanted to kill you myself. But now I'm on my best behavior, promise' - something like that, Jasper?"

It was enough for today. I felt waves of calm washing over me as Jasper tried to ease my temper. He was my brother, and I didn't want to take out my frustrations on him. Alice and he had my best interests in mind and just wanted me to be okay. It was incredibly hard for me to explain to them that I couldn't be okay as long as I knew Bella could be in danger. The thought of her ending up like Tyler...

_I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy for you. You'll get through this. Just let us know if you need anything._

He squeezed my shoulder as he passed by me to leave - a silent reminder of his unwavering support no matter what I decided.

The sky was darkening by the minute as I climbed into the tree, taking my post. The height of a few branches made them the perfect perch - providing us a clear shot into her bedroom. Esme had been very clear from the first night that she wasn't comfortable spying on Bella without her knowledge. I knew the others chose to _not_ look into her bedroom and relied on their other senses instead - particularly their sense of smell and heightened hearing ability - to keep a more than adequate watch over her.

I wasn't comfortable looking into her room like some Peeping Tom, but I couldn't relax unless I saw her with my own eyes. I had to know by visual confirmation that she was still alive.

I wanted to tell her the truth. I really did. But how could I? What I told her in the meadow was the most honest thing I could have said to her. I wanted too much and not enough at the same time. Every fiber of my cold body loved her - I wasn't completely stupid enough to not realize that. I would do absolutely anything for her - even let her hate me if it meant she was safe. But I was scared it wasn't enough.

I wanted to be with her and be able to tell her how much I needed her. But I was scared my need to be with her would overpower my need to keep her safe and _alive._ What if my wanting her became so strong I would be willing to change her into this _thing _that I've become? How could I live with myself knowing I had been so selfish? She didn't deserve this existence. She deserved so much more than I could ever give her. And what if I did tell her the truth and she - understandably - ran the other way screaming?

But I _was _selfish. I chose to befriend her because I wanted to be able to get close to her and her blissfully silent mind. Helping her by giving her friendship - something I noticed she was definitely lacking when I came back - was an added bonus for me. It was the least I could do for her since the quiet her mind provided was more comforting than I ever imagined it would be.

I still remember that first day in Biology after I came back. Alice warned me I should get to class early, but didn't tell me why. Bella was the only one in the classroom, and I noticed she was sitting at my lab table. I watched her for a minute - unsure of what I should do next. She was obviously listening to music and had her eyes closed. I walked toward the table, deciding to just sit down at my chair, and was surprised that she didn't sense me being so close to her. She looked lost in thought, and the more I watched her, the more I wanted to touch her. I mentally cursed my existence for being so cold - a touch of my hand wouldn't provide comfort at all.

I listened to her music with her. I couldn't help but smile when she started humming the notes of _The Stone_, but my smile quickly faded when she started singing the lyrics. Her voice was like listening to liquid sorrow. I wanted so badly to pull her into a hug, squeezing her little body closely to my chest, forcing out all the hurt and pain she was feeling.

The light came on in her bedroom which brought me back to the present. I climbed a little higher in the tree and sniffed the air in all four directions, making sure I was alone out here. So far we had been lucky. The three vampires we were concerned about have been going off to the Seattle area to hunt and have been coming back to this area once they were well fed. They were at least smart enough to realize that one unusual death in a town this small was more than enough to raise a few eyebrows. Any more deaths would have put all of us in danger. Even with this knowledge, I didn't trust them enough to not keep a vigilant watch over Bella.

The trick was to not draw attention to her by having her guarded by one of us at all times. School was the easiest time of day and was the only time I felt I could relax. Not just because there were five of us in school - clearly enough to outnumber the three of them if the need presented itself. But also because our attendance at school was curious enough on its own - going to the same school as Bella would be an insignificant coincidence. Watching her at night was risky, but so far hadn't been a problem. I knew they could track our scent to her house if they wanted, but so far they seemed more curious about where we lived and not where we went.

We were all trying to be extremely careful with everything we did so as not to pique their curiosity too much. The blond - who we now knew as James - was a tracker. I picked up on this one night while out hunting with Carlisle. They had traced our scent back to our house. Two of them, James and Victoria - the redhead who was his mate - decided to track Carlisle and me for fun. James realized how fast I was and thought it would be good sport to see if the two of them could catch up to us.

It was this incurable boredom they seemed to have with their time that worried me the most concerning Bella. I knew the dangers of this. I knew his curiosity of our family outweighed his tracking nature right now - but if he were to notice my intense interest in Bella, the tracker in him would become more dominant than his curiosity of our family, putting Bella at risk. Protecting her from them was a delicate balance.

Once satisfied that I was alone - none of us have caught their scent in two days - I relaxed against the trunk, stretching my legs out straight along the branch.

As much as I felt bad for watching Bella without her knowing, I couldn't keep my eyes from training themselves on her window. She was pacing in her room - something she had been doing for the past couple of nights. Something was troubling her, and I wished more than anything I could go to her and let her use me as a sounding board.

I tried doing that in Biology. Every day for the past couple of weeks I would get to the classroom early - only staying in the cafeteria for a few moments before making an obvious exit with my Bio book in hand. I hoped it would remind Bella of the first time we spoke that day when I found her in the classroom early. Every day I finished out the lunch hour in the empty room, hoping she'd finally use the opportunity to talk to me. She never did.

I thought I was making progress on Monday. I begged her to look at me. Her beautiful brown eyes finally met mine and they took my breath away. She held my gaze for a long time - searching for something - until she finally lowered her eyes and turned back to the front of the room. The only thing I could think to say was that I missed her. I knew I whispered it loud enough for her to hear because her shoulders visibly tensed at the words. She was conflicted. But she never looked back at me again.

_When the wind blows and the rain feels cold  
>With a head full of snow<br>With a head full of snow  
>In the window there's a face you know<br>Don't the nights pass slow  
>Don't the nights pass slow.<em>

She was playing our favorite _Stones_ song. It gave me hope that maybe all was not lost. Maybe I _could_ be honest with her. Maybe Bella would still want me - if as nothing else, at least as the friend and confidant I had become up until this point. I would do anything to at least have her trust me as a friend again.

_Yeah, I'm coming home  
>Cause, I'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road<br>Down the road, down the road._

Just as I was thinking how appropriate her song choice was, I sat straight up and put my nose to the air. Someone was coming.

_Edward - it's me, son._

My body relaxed. It was just Carlisle.

Alice couldn't stop smiling and squealing in delight. She had blocked me from her thoughts all morning long and was starting to really get under my skin.

"Why don't you just tell me what is so exciting so I can be excited with you instead of _pissed off?_"

"You know - you don't share with me what everyone is thinking even when you know I'd really like to know. You tell me they're not _natural,_ these talents of ours, and we shouldn't share private information unless there are _risks_ involved. It's always about _risks_ with you, Edward - so maybe this is something you will understand. I _can't_ tell you what I saw because that would _risk _changing something, and then I would have nothing to be excited about anymore. It's a chance I can't take!" With that, she held her hand up and started reciting the capitols of each state in alphabetical order.

Alice was insufferable, especially when she used my own words against me.

I looked around the cafeteria and noticed Bella still hadn't come in yet. She should have been here about five minutes ago - this was about the time I usually made my exit to Biology in front of her.

_Just go anyway, Edward. You need to go to the classroom. She's there waiting._

Okay, so Alice wasn't completely against sharing her knowledge with me.

I picked up my human prop and dropped the tray off at the metal counter before making my way as fast as I dared to Biology. Bella was sitting at our lab table with her eyes closed. She didn't have her head resting on her arms, but she had her ear buds in and was listening to music. Did that mean she wanted to talk to me or that she didn't? Was she playing music so I wouldn't try to talk to her?

I slowly walked over to our table, pulled my chair out and sat down. She shifted in her seat slightly, which told me she knew I was next to her, but she didn't open her eyes or turn off her music. After a few seconds, she blindly ran her thumb over her mp3 player and found the forward button and skipped to the next song. I could hear her music as clearly as if I was listening to a radio. She was playing Evanescence's _My Immortal._ After a few seconds, she skipped ahead again. _Blood_ by Pearl Jam. Well, that was certainly an interesting song choice, even for Bella. She didn't let it play but for a couple of seconds before skipping ahead again. _Transylvania_ by Iron Maiden was quickly followed by Joan Osborne's _Dracula Moon_...

What was she doing?

She forwarded to the next song - _The Sharpest Lives_ by My Chemical Romance followed by another MCR song - _Vampires Will Never Hurt You_...

If I had a beating heart my pulse would be audible from a mile away. Did she...know? No. How, how is that possible? I've been so careful. I -

_Love Song for a Vampire _the Annie Lennox song from _Interview with the Vampire_. I remember telling her it was my favorite book.

Oh God. Oh _God._ She knew. She definitely _knew._

She skipped ahead again and this time let _Monster Mash_ play in its entirety. I stared at her in disbelief. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to do the same with her mouth - but the involuntary twitching of her lips caught my attention before she could recover.

She thought this was _funny?_

**Chapter End Notes:**

This was the end of EPOV. Next chapter will pick back up with Bella. Another EPOV is planned, but not until the end of the story.

Thank you for the reviews so far. Even a couple are exciting!

Kristin – thank you for taking the time to review on here too!


	13. Building A Mystery

_**A/N:**_

This chapter returns to _BPOV. _There are quite a few dream sequences in this chapter and my word processor is not playing nice with , so please be patient. Spaces seem to be hard to keep in here, and breaking up sections of the Chapter seems almost impossible. I'm working on correcting the issue and increasing the readability, but in the meantime, hopefully you can look past it and enjoy the chapter!_  
><em>

**CHAPTER 13: Building A Mystery**

To put it simply, I was incredibly confused.

I turned on the radio and dropped my body unceremoniously on my bed and tried to stop thinking about what just happened. Of course, that was impossible.

Edward told me we couldn't spend time together outside of school. _Why?_ And why didn't I just ask him that all too important question instead of clamming up suddenly? _Because he blind-sided me, that's why._

Nothing made sense. Edward has gone out of his way since coming back to Forks to make me feel safe. Comfortable. Normal. _Loved._ I knew Edward didn't love me like I wanted him to, but I also knew with everything I had that he loved me as his closest friend. We'd shared so much with one another. Confided in one another. Laughed at each other.

The tears came before I could get a hold of myself. I just couldn't grasp why Edward was suddenly pushing me away. What did I do wrong? I replayed the events of the day, but nothing stood out. Was it something I said? Did I get too close physically with him? That couldn't be it; Edward pulled _me_ closer to _him_. Was he worried about leading me on? Did I do something that made him think I wanted more from us than he did? Not that I could remember...

Was I too depressing to be around? I didn't think so. Sure, if it was anyone else, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was too depressing to spend any amount of time with. But I wasn't like that with Edward. He brought out a side of me that I thought was long gone. He made me smile from the inside out. He had to know that. He had to _see_ that. _Didn't he?_

I balled my hands into fists and pushed them to my eyes as I tried to stop the soft sobs that were bubbling out. I was crying more out of frustration than anything else, though a little bit of anger towards Edward couldn't help but seep in as well. And why shouldn't I be angry? Who says something like that to their best friend with no explanation? He _had_ to know how that would make me feel. _Didn't he?_ Ugh. This was not helping.

I rolled over to my side and let the sobs take over before I felt myself drifting to sleep.

...

_The three shadows from the forest were getting closer and closer. My breath caught in my throat as another streak of lightning lit up their faces._

_"Mom?" I was startled by the sound of the shaking voice, not immediately recognizing it as my own._

_Renee, Lauren, and Tyler were now just a few feet away from me. Renee didn't look at me. Her bright vibrant eyes were replaced with vacant black pools. The shiny conditioned hair she loved so much was now limp and straw-like. Her gait was rigid, and she clung to Lauren's side as if she were a lifeline. She was frightening. She was all wrong._

_Lauren's voice pulled my attention away from Renee long enough to allow the goose bumps to subside._

_"Bella, we need to talk."_

_"This is a dream, right?" I was asking myself as much as I was asking Lauren._

_Renee and Tyler stayed silent as Lauren repeated herself._

_"Bella, we need to talk."_

_"About what?"_

_"This!" Lauren grabbed my Mom by the shoulders and pushed her towards me. Tears fell to my cheeks as I backed away from her instinctively out of fear. Why did she look like this? My dreams of Renee in the past have all been sad, sure, but they were also comforting. This version of her wasn't just sad, it was nightmarish. She wasn't Renee._

_"Stop! Why are you doing this?"_

_I looked around desperately searching for Edward. Why wasn't he here? We were just together in the forest..._

_Lauren's singsong voice brought my focus back to the three of them. "He's not here. He left you. You're better off without him anyway. Don't make the same mistake I did."_

_I avoided looking at Renee and Tyler and quickly shifted my focus to Lauren. Her eyes caught my attention immediately. They weren't as vacant as they were at the funeral. She looked at Tyler with a sad longing that made my chest tighten._

_She looked back at me with a cold stare as she continued, "He's doing you a favor. Nothing good can ever come from feeling again. You wanted to stay numb forever. Have you forgotten that?"_

_"It's not a favor. And if it is, it isn't one that I wanted. I know I said that I wanted to be numb forever, but I'm thankful that Edward helped me feel something again. I'm not ready to give that up. Being numb isn't living."_

_"And this is?" She rolled her eyes in Renee's direction, but I didn't follow her gaze. The morbid entity that was supposed to represent Renee was too painful to look at._

_Lauren closed the distance between us and leaned in so she was mere inches from my face. Her voice was barely above a whisper causing tingles to vibrate down my spine as she continued, "You really think he'll ever love you the way you love him?"_

_She rocked back on her heels and spun around to look back at her companions. She wrapped her arm around Renee's neck and turned back to me. "You know, it's one thing to feel the ultimate anguish that comes from losing someone that actually loved you as much as you loved them."_

_I watched her unwrap her arms from Renee and move them to Tyler where she threaded one hand through his hair and the other she entwined with his hand. "But, to feel sorry for yourself because someone that is still alive doesn't want you," she shook her head at me and made a tsk tsk tsk sound with her tongue clicking against her teeth before finishing, "thatis mighty selfish of you, Bella."_

_"It's not wrong to - "_

_I lost my train of thought as Lauren's face suddenly twisted and contorted until she looked just as morbid and dead as Renee and Tyler. Her body shot up several inches until she towered over me. She opened her mouth which had spread as wide as the length of my arm and from that gaping mouth came a shrieking voice that forced me to cover my ears from the pressure it created from hearing it._

_"IT **IS** WRONG. BECAUSE AT LEAST HE'S ALIVE."_

_I fell to the ground at the force of her voice and protectively covered my head with my arms as I rocked back and forth begging myself to wake up..._

_...  
><em>

"Bella, we need to talk."

He did _not _just say that again. I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling as I responded, "You used that one up already, Edward."

I could hear the exasperation as he let out a loud sigh. The bell signaling the start of Biology rang, and I turned my full attention pointedly to the front of the room to let Edward know the conversation was over. I'm sure he thought I was being unreasonable. But when I first walked into Biology and he asked if I would forgive him for the previous night, I had a moment of hope where I thought that meant he changed his mind about what he said.

He hadn't.

As frustrated as he sounded, it didn't come close to mirroring how I felt about the situation. Not to help matters, the nightmare I had the previous night really shook me up. I avoided getting near Lauren all day for fear she would turn into the towering demon that terrorized me before I woke up. But no matter what kind of turmoil all of this was putting me through, I just couldn't bring myself to do the same to Edward, even if I thought he might deserve it.

"Just give me some space, Edward. I just need time. Time to..." I racked my brain for the right word until it came to me, "adjust. Time to adjust. Okay?"

I didn't look at him as I said it. I couldn't bear to look into his beautiful eyes without turning into a sobbing pool of jell-o.

_At least he's alive._

The memory of what Lauren said in my nightmare last night haunted me. Demon or not, she was right. I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself and feeling miserable over someone just not wanting to spend time with me. Considering what I went through just a couple of months ago, and considering what a painful time Tyler's family were now going through, how could I let myself be so upset about this? I shook my head in frustration with myself and forced myself to pretend Edward was not sitting next to me.

...

Days and nights started running together. My dreams used to consist of reliving the moments that meant the most to Edward and me - the hospital, the museum, the first time riding in his car, the kitchen conversation, _Phoenix_. Instead, the nightmares steadily grew worse each night. The second night Lauren taunted me in a very _Ghost of Christmas Future_ kind of way by showing me what my life would be like in twenty years. According to Nightmare Lauren, I really do become _Eleanor Rigby_.

Sleep deprivation from the nightmares was starting to affect me at school. By the third day of Biology, the energy I was forced to expend on fighting to stay awake in class enabled me to quite effectively and with little effort pretend that Edward didn't exist. I wasn't trying to be mean to him. I _wanted_ to talk to him, but I didn't out of self-preservation.

If he didn't exist, or if I could at least just try and forget these past few weeks with him, then I didn't have to think about how I lost anything. If I didn't think about losing him, then I didn't have to feel _guilty _for thinking about losing him. It was all very neurotic of me, and I couldn't help but feel immense relief to know my thoughts were protected from Edward. To his credit, he really didn't push the issue. I half expected him to follow me home from school and insist on talking to me about everything, but he never did. It was becoming too easy to tell myself that I never really mattered that much to Edward.

Not having anything else to do, I spent every afternoon and evening at home. Charlie was now working late just about every night. Some nights he came home so late I was already in bed. On these particular nights, Charlie developed a habit of checking in on me as soon as he got home before heading to bed himself. I always made sure to pretend I was asleep for his benefit. It wasn't too hard to pretend. I _was _more tired lately from having fitful sleep from the nightmares. Each night they seemed to get stranger and stranger.

...

_Edward gently placed me on the ground. He looked suddenly at the other side of the road where the forest opened. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but no sound came out when I tried to speak. It didn't bother me to not be able to talk, and instead I decided to take the opportunity to look at Edward's beautiful face while he was distracted. His bronze colored hair almost matched his eyes perfectly. His skin was almost reflective in the moonlight as he stood as still as a statue. I couldn't help but feel in awe at the way his skin had an alabaster look to it and was even paler than mine. His amber eyes finally turned back to me and he smiled with a perfect Colgate grin as his voice filled the air._

_"Bella, I want you to meet my family."_

_I simply nodded, and he turned his attention back to the other side of the road, and this time I let my eyes follow the same direction. Three figures were crossing the road and walking toward us. The sky was too dark to make out who they were, but I felt comfortable standing next to Edward knowing he knew exactly who was approaching. As they got closer, Edward introduced them to me. Alice was first, and she bounded up to me and threw her arms around my neck while practically singing her introduction of, "Hey Bella! I'm Alice and it's nice to finally meet you." As she pulled away from me and looked into my eyes, I noticed that she and Edward shared the same unique eye coloring. She winked at me before flitting off into the darkness._

_Jasper and Emmett were next and their introductions were about the same. Jasper walked up to me and waved, making sure to make eye contact with those honey colored eyes before grinning and following Alice. Emmett gripped my shoulder and looked right at me with his golden eyes as he said he'd see me around. The three of them all disappeared, and I looked back up at Edward in confusion. I thought he was adopted? How did all of them have that same unique eye color I've never seen on anyone else?_

_Edward looked down at me and smiled. Much like Alice, he gave a quick wink before turning his attention back to the road. Three more figures were now emerging from the forest. The introductions continued as Dr. Cullen and Mrs. Cullen came up to me. They each hugged me, and I couldn't help but shiver as their cool skin touched mine. They insisted I call them Carlisle and Esme and walked away hand in hand as they made room for Rosalie to be seen. Rosalie had been behind them and now stood in front of me._

_Before Rosalie could say anything, she disappeared into the darkness as the scene around me changed dramatically. Edward's cool hand grabbed mine and squeezed it as he looked at the forest opening with three more figures standing in front of us. As they got closer, I made out the forms to be Jacob and two of his Quileute friends._

_Jacob's mouth never opened, but I could hear him repeating everything he had said to me that day I rode back with him from the airport. I realized he must be thinking about that day, and somehow I was hearing everything that Edward could hear. I was reading Jacob's thoughts._

_Jacob seemed to realize this and then turned to me and thought rather loudly, "Didn't you hear me? I said the blood was drained from the body, Bella. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Would an animal have done that?"_

_Jacob took a few steps closer to me, and Edward let go of my hand and slowly backed away. I tried to tell him to stop, that I wasn't listening to Jacob, but I couldn't speak. My eyes pleaded with Edward for him to stay, but he wouldn't look at me. He looked angrily at Jacob and kept backing further away with each step that Jacob came closer. Jacob finally was close enough to reach out and grab my shoulders, and he shook me slightly while he continued to aim his thoughts at me._

_"Wake up and smell the roses, Bella. Wake up. Wake up."_

_He repeated the command several times until I finally listened._

_...  
><em>

I shot out of bed and flew over to my computer. _They all had the same color eyes._ I didn't notice it at school because I didn't have classes with all of them, so I never paid attention to anyone but Edward, but when they were introduced to me at the funeral, they _all had the same color eyes._ Even Esme and Carlisle.

I googled _disease that affects eye color_ thinking that was the best route. Edward told me they weren't biologically related. I know there are coincidences in life, but seven people not related all having the same unique eye color that I've never seen anyone else having, well, that was just too big of a coincidence for me.

The search didn't return much. I couldn't find a disease linked to changing a person's eye color to a light golden color. That probably wasn't it either. Wasn't it just as unlikely for them to all conveniently have the same disease if one existed?

I closed my eyes and tried to remember more about the dream. Carlisle and Esme were both really cold. I remember when Carlisle's fingers gently probed my face the first time I met him, his hands were really cool to the touch. When Esme hugged me at the funeral her arms were just as cold. Edward was always that cold temperature no matter what time of day. I always attributed it to poor circulation, but for Carlisle to have that problem, too? Maybe...but that was even more coincidences.

What did Jacob say? Blood was drained from Tyler. _Ask Edward._ Why would Edward know anything about that? Unless...well, one step above poor circulation is _no_ circulation, but that would make Edward, what? A ghost? A zombie? A vampire? I thought about that for all of two seconds before laughing at myself. _Get some sleep, Isabella Swan. Just listen to yourself for goodness sakes._

I hopped up on my bed and lay back down. Okay, so they probably didn't have some disease and they were likely not in the zombie family. But _something _was different about them. And without the ability to just ask Edward, I was going to have to start paying closer attention.

...

_They never eat!_

"Bella, did you say something?" The whisper came from Angela who had leaned in and was now looking at me.

I didn't realize I had said that last part aloud. "Sorry, Ang, no. Just mumbling to myself." I flashed a quick half-smile to let her know I was fine.

Angela was sitting next to me at our lunch table. For the past two days, I waited until Edward left for Biology before paying really close attention to his siblings. I had been observing the Cullens with the hope of making sense of everything that had been in my dream two nights ago. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary yesterday. They just all seemed aloof compared to other students, but only with outsiders. To each other they seemed very sociable like any other normal teenagers. _Except they were definitely not normal._

Yesterday, they all had trays of food in front of them, but nothing was ever touched. I didn't pay much attention to it because it was so hard to pay attention to food while watching them interact with each other. But today, it was the same thing. I watched Alice get up and practically dance over to the trash cans as she dumped all the untouched contents of her tray. I watched in complete amazement as each of them stood up and followed suit. Not one tray had been touched before being dumped. _Why don't they eat?_

Of course, it could be that they thought the food here was just as disgusting as the rest of us. But the people that were really repulsed by it brought their own food, and even then certainly didn't waste money on food they had no intention of eating. But they didn't eat anything else, either. Alice looked like she would be the type that could get away with eating a granola bar in class and that might be enough for her, but Emmett? Emmett didn't eat anything, and he was a pretty big guy that definitely had some sort of lunch-worthy appetite. _Why don't they eat?_

The day played out much like the rest of the week had. I kept to myself throughout the school day and hurried home to get back on the computer. I added a few more phrases about not eating to the Google search, but I was still coming up empty. _What was I missing?_I turned on my radio and pulled my books out of my book bag. I could at least try to get something productive done.

I hummed along with the radio as one of my favorite songs from the nineties filled my room.

_You come out at night  
>That's when the energy comes<br>And the dark side's light  
>And the vampires roam<br>You strut your Rasta wear  
>And your suicide poem<br>And a cross from a faith that died  
><em>_Before Jesus came  
>You're building a mystery<br>_

Well, _that's _just funny. Edward and his family were certainly building a mystery for me. I stared at my radio for a minute thinking about everything. I put my books down and walked back over to the computer. Typing in the word "vampire," I honestly didn't expect much from Google.

I've never been one to put much stock in any type of urban legend or mythical folklore, but it was hard to not pause at all the cultures that have believed in vampires around the world. But from the _strigoi_ of Romania to the _Apotamkin _of Native America, the bizarre range of beliefs didn't seem to agree on much about a vampire's attributes. Was he big and hairy? Was he bloated and purplish? Edward and his family were neither.

I was about to give up until I decided to run a search about the Quileutes. Over the past couple of nights, Dream Jacob had been getting more and more forceful with his belief that Edward knows something about Tyler's death. And he was always with two Quileute friends that stood next to him not saying a word. I clicked on the first webpage that mentioned _Legends and Folklore _and waited for the page to load. It was getting late, and I figured Charlie would be home soon. While waiting for my incredibly slow Internet, I changed into my pajamas, grabbed my toiletry bag and headed to the bathroom.

With a fresh clean face and my hair pulled back, I came back to my computer and browsed through the topics. One instantly caught my eye. I clicked on the _Cold Ones _title and let out an annoyed sigh as the page took another century to load. When it finally came up, I read with immediate interest as certain attributes quickly piqued my interest. Pale skin that was cold to the touch. Eyes that were red in color and vision that was just as good at night as in daylight. Incredible speed and strength. Physical features that were attractive to the opposite sex to include looks, voice, scent.

I stopped scrolling down once the page started showing pictures and talking about blood. I didn't really need to read that part. Edward's eyes weren't red, but he could see incredibly well at night. How else could he have seen the three strangers at the forest, as dark as it was? I didn't know if Edward had incredible strength, but he certainly carried me on his back like a rag doll. _Speed._How did Edward get me to the meadow? I would have felt him running, wouldn't I?

His family doesn't eat. They all have pale skin that is cold to the touch. They all have oddly colored eyes and keep to themselves. And of course, they are all incredibly _attractive_. Realization slapped me in the face. Edward was a _vampire._

I shut down my computer and crawled back in bed. I had a hard time falling asleep that night wondering about the Cullens. What did it all mean?

...

I wasn't sure how I was going to ask Edward about my new theory. We hadn't talked to one another in over a week with the exception of the occasionally muttered "hello." I kept quiet for a couple of days, trying to put together the pieces on my own.

Is this why Edward didn't want to be around me outside of school? Why didn't he just tell me the truth? More importantly, _who_ were the three people at the forest? The three questions were a broken record in my mind, and by Thursday, I was starting to get impatient. My dreams had turned into some interesting scenarios involving Edward, me, a bottle of red wine and my blood.

I knew it was time to just suck it up and go to Biology early to talk to Edward about everything. He had been Captain Obvious for almost two weeks now as he dramatically left the cafeteria right in front of me showing me his Biology book. _Like I didn't know where he was going._ But I also knew that Edward had the potential for being scared off easily. That was the only explanation I could come up with for what happened after the meadow. So I had to figure out a way of making sure my theory was right about Edward without actually scaring him away.

Thursday was a long day. I spent each class thinking about what it would mean if Edward really was a vampire. I knew I wasn't scared of _him._ But I _was_ scared. Scared about what that would mean for our friendship. Scared that he would disappear someday, leaving me behind. Scared that what I felt for him might never be reciprocated. Scared that I really would become _Eleanor Rigby._

Now, the day almost over, I paced in my room as I contemplated all of my fears. These fears were what kept me from talking to Edward. The truth was, I never really believed with my whole heart that I had lost my best friend. I had been harboring a sizable amount of hope that he would eventually come around, and I would get my friend back. And as much as I wanted to figure out a way to just tell him what I thought I knew to clear the air between us, I wanted to forget about everything. I was scared for the truth to be out there, putting obstacles between us that didn't exist before two weeks ago.

Letting out a yawn, I went over to my CD player and hit the play button. _Moonlight Mile _flowed out of the speakers as I stretched out on my bed. I was so exhausted from the lack of restful sleep that my eyes started closing as soon as my head hit the pillow.

...

_"Mom?" I called out to her knowing she was somewhere near me._

_Renee opened my bedroom door and peeked in. "Did you call for me, sweetheart?"_

_"Mom!" It was really her. She was just as beautiful and lively as I remembered. Despite the tears staining my cheeks, I smiled warmly at her as she crossed the room to sit on the edge of my bed._

_I reached out and hugged her tightly. She was so warm it made me cry even harder._

_"Bella, sweetheart, what are the tears for? I'm right here." She hugged me back just as tightly before letting me go so she could look at my face._

_"Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me. If this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up." _

_Tears were freely falling from my face as I tried to memorize exactly how she looked right then._

_She smiled sadly before climbing over to the other side of my bed where she could sit next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. I leaned my head against her as her voice softly filled my head._

_"Bella, my sweet Bella. I'm never far away from you. You can always think of me, and I'll be right here with whatever you need. But don't say you never want to wake up. Now, what has got you so worked up?"_

_"I miss you." It was the first and only thing I could say. I had to tell her that. Even if it was just a dream._

_She squeezed my shoulder tighter and let out a warm laugh. "Oh, I miss you, too, sweetheart! You haven't been sleeping well. I can tell. A mother **always **knows. How are things going with your Dad?"_

_"Charlie's good. He's been working a lot of late nights. But you know Charlie and me. We never really talked much so it was a little awkward at first. I think we've settled into a routine though."_

_"Hmmm. Well if it isn't Charlie, then what? Is it about a boy?"_

_I looked up at her, and a playful smile danced on her lips. Of course, even Dream Renee would want some juicy girl talk._

_"Ugh. Yes. I, hmm. I don't know how to explain it."_

_"Bella, it can't be that hard. Try."_

_"Well, he's different. His name is Edward. He's my closest friend, and I love him. I want more from us, but now I don't even know if that's possible."_

_"Bella, let me tell you something. **Anything **is possible. Have you told him how you feel?"_

_"No! Of course not. What if he doesn't feel the same way? Then I'd lose my best friend!"_

_"If he's truly your best friend, then you won't lose him. And what if he **does** feel the same way? Think of all the time you would have wasted for nothing. And time, Bella, is not something you can waste."_

_She pulled her arm out from behind me and brought her hands to my face. She looked straight into my eyes as she repeated her last line, "Time, Bella, time is not something you can ever afford to waste." As the last word left her lips she started fading away..._

Grasping at the thin air next to me, I woke up and let the tears fall all over again as the realization crept in that she wasn't really there.

After a few moments and several deep breaths I braved a look at the clock: 5:30. Good, I had plenty of time before I needed to be at school. I jumped in the shower and thought about what my Mom said in the dream. She was right; time was too precious to waste. Hadn't I been telling that to Edward this whole time? Haven't I been preaching about living life and not wasting it? It was time to talk to Edward. I had to put a plan in action, because I wasn't going to lose my best friend without a fight.

I came back to my room and thought about the past few days. I looked around my room searching for some inspiration. Not surprisingly, it came in the form of my radio. I remembered listening to _Building a Mystery_ that night that I started searching on the Internet. Music has always been a conversation starter for Edward and me, so maybe that will work again.

For the next hour, I went through my mp3 player and downloaded the music I was looking for. As I looked at the clock and saw it was time to head out, I grabbed my loaded mp3 player and headed to school.

...

The final notes of _Monster Mash_ played, and I couldn't fight the giggle from escaping my lips. I made sure I would beat Edward to Biology by skipping the cafeteria altogether. I wanted to make sure I was completely set up and ready before he came in. Edward didn't disappoint. Keeping my eyes closed, I could _sense _him, though I couldn't actually see him. I could almost tell the point that he realized what my playlist meant by the sudden intake of breath.

I stopped the music and pulled my ear buds out, taking a deep breath before looking at him. His face was exactly how I imagined it. His jaw was hanging slightly open, and his eyes had a deer in headlights look I never would have imagined Edward capable of. I let out another giggle at the sight of him before he rearranged his face to appear more Edward-like. Before he could say anything, I decided to end the two week silence as quickly as I could by throwing the four little words I had grown to hate over the past two weeks back in his face.

"We need to talk." The sentence came out much more serious sounding than I had intended, so I followed it up with a careful but warm smile.

It worked. Edward's face fell into his own rather casual half-smile as he simply nodded his head. Other students started filing in, and I knew we weren't going to be able to have our talk with an audience. Despite being worried about his answer even after my not-so-subtle attempt at breaking the ice, I hurried up and asked the question I needed to get out before class started.

"I know you don't want to be around me after school, and I think I understand, but, do you think you could at least call me tonight?"

He let out a breath I didn't even realize he had been holding, and he looked at me with those beautiful amber eyes I'd missed so much, and let out a soft but definite, "yes."

The rest of the day I was floating on cloud nine. Edward didn't seem upset; in fact, he seemed rather relieved. I couldn't wait to get home and talk to him. I knew what the tone behind the "yes" meant. He wasn't just agreeing to call me, it was a promise.

As each hour passed I grew more and more antsy. It was now 8:30, and Edward hadn't called yet. Feeling pathetic for waiting by the phone like a lovestruck teenager (although I knew I fit fairly well in that category), I decided to shake the tension out of my body by jumping into a hot shower. The water immediately did the trick, and I felt myself relax in spite of everything. I changed into the pajamas I carried into the bathroom with me, and piled my hair into a loose bun before leaving the bathroom.

Walking back into the bedroom, the air had an electric feel about it that alerted my senses. I looked around but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until I heard a light tapping noise. It was coming from outside the window. Thinking it might be the branches from the tree outside, I just ignored it. I grabbed a book out of my school bag and climbed onto my bed. _Tap. Tap. Tap._ I put the book down and looked over at the window again. It took my brain all of a second to process a face looking back at me, and a loud shriek soon followed. The face disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, and suddenly another noise made me jump out of my skin. This time it was just my phone.

"He - Hello?"

"Bella, calm down. It's me. Let me in."

"What do, wait, what?"

"It's me. I'm outside your window."

"Well, what are you doing _there?_"

I got up and walked over to the window and opened it. Vampire or not, Edward was about to get his ass kicked. He climbed in and chuckled at me. _Oh, no you don't._

"You think this is funny? Are you _trying_ to give me a heart attack so I die at the ripe old age of seventeen?"

His smile faded. "Don't joke about that."

"Edward, what are you _doing _here? Charlie could be home any second, if he sees your car in the driveway, I - "

"Bella, I didn't drive here. It's fine. Charlie won't know I'm here."

"What do you mean you didn't drive here? How did you get here then?"

The smile returned to his face in full force. "Well, I _ran _of course."

"You _ran_?"

Was he crazy? I didn't care. I didn't care about anything except that Edward Cullen was standing in my bedroom.

**Chapter End Notes:**

Thank you again for taking the time to review!

Kristin - CH 22 is 1/2 way there :)


	14. Suddenly Simple

**CHAPTER 14: Suddenly Simple**

I didn't know what to think about anything that had happened in the last five minutes. First, Edward shows up at my window scaring the hell out of me. Then he confirms my theory by giving me a simple "You're right." And now he wants to know what I'm thinking. As if I could possibly put into words all the things running through my head with him sitting so close to me _on my bed._ Speaking of running...

"I'm glad you're here." My voice sounded unnaturally high, and I was immediately thankful for the glass of water on my nightstand. I took a sip of water before I cleared my throat and continued. "But, when you say you _ran_...explain."

Edward looked at me with surprise in his eyes and a smile playing on his lips. I'm sure he was surprised that out of all the things I could possibly be thinking of right now, _this _is what I was the most curious about. I had put together the rather obvious pieces from our time at the meadow and figured he had more talents than just his mind-reading. But I still wasn't sure about the details.

"What do you want to know?"

"Start by telling me where you ran from. Did you park your car down the street and run here or are we talking from your house on the other side of town? How fast _do _you run? Any how did you run so fluidly that day at the meadow? I didn't even feel -"

"That's a lot of questions, Bella." He cut me off before I could keep asking them, but his tone was playful, so I knew I wasn't hitting a nerve.

"I want a lot of answers," I responded just as playfully. We had to start somewhere. And I wanted to keep this as light as possible to not scare him away. I knew this was fairly safe territory to start with, since he ran in front of me before I knew about him, even if I wasn't supposed to open my eyes or figure it out.

"I ran from my house. I've never actually timed myself, I've had no reason to, but based on experience, I would guess that I travel at about the speed of sound – maybe a little faster. The fluidity, well, I'm not sure I can explain that. We're just very graceful by nature, and it carries over when we run."

"So, you all run? It isn't a special talent that only you have?"

"No, we all run. Though I am the fastest out of my family -"

"Of course, you are." It was my turn to cut _him_ off.

"So, what _else _can you do?"

"You mean in general or better than anyone else?" He let out a laugh that shook his shoulders when he realized just how conceited he sounded.

"Okay, smarty pants - how 'bout both?" I tried to playfully poke him in the ribs, but only ended up jamming my finger. I knew he was solid, but I didn't realize _how_ solid. Chuckling, he took my hurt finger in his hands and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly.

"Well, as you already know, I read minds, and I'm the only one in the family with that little talent. We run extremely fast and without getting winded or sweaty. In fact, we don't ever sweat. Or cry. We are all incredibly strong. I can't claim the winner on that talent though - Emmett is by far the strongest out of all of us, with Rosalie coming up right behind him. Alice can see the future and Jasper, well, let's just say he has a way with emotions. We all have our certain gifts." He kissed my finger again and rubbed it lightly before continuing, "And our skin is extremely tough, almost impenetrable, which you already figured out. Our bodies are pretty much indestructible to humans. Stakes don't work. Neither does garlic or holy water, though I will say that garlic will definitely keep me away from a person because it smells just awful. Oh yeah - and our senses are all incredibly heightened so we can smell, see, hear, and taste far better than any human."

"Why do you say 'human' like that? Don't you consider yourself a human? And I doubt you can taste better than humans. I would think if I were a vampire, I'd probably prefer the taste of a human over another vampire. " I knew I was treading in uncharted territory with that second question. I threw in that bad joke and kept my voice light hoping Edward would speak candidly without dosing the conversation with the melancholy tone I knew he could revert to at any moment.

Luckily for me, he kept it light as well. "Well, no. To me the definition of a human is someone who is mortal. Someone that has a living body that is constantly changing. A body that grows old and eventually dies. Our organs aren't used anymore. They have no purpose. We sustain ourselves with animal blood, but we don't have the normal digestive system humans do. And we _never _change. I'm the exact height, weight and have the exact same appearance I did when I turned. And yes - very funny by the way - humans definitely taste better than vampires. All joking aside, doesn't that bother you?"

"What? That as a human you think I'd taste better than a vampire?" I playfully paused, pretending to give the question some real thought. But before he had a chance to answer, I threw another question at him.

"So, when you say 'turned' you mean when you became a vampire, right? When exactly was that? And, _how_ did you turn into a vampire?"

I was genuinely curious. It had taken me awhile to really let such a fantastical idea filter through my brain as a _reality_. Now that I had accepted the truth of what Edward was, I wanted _all_ the details.

"Carlisle turned me in 1918. He found me in a hospital in Chicago. I was seventeen and dying of Spanish Influenza. My mother must have figured out that Carlisle was something different, though I'm not quite sure she knew what exactly he was. When she realized she was nearing her last breath, she had asked him to save me in whatever way he could."

Edward paused and looked over at me, whether to make sure I was still paying attention or not yet freaking out, I couldn't be sure. When I answered the unspoken question with the expression of interest on my face, he finally continued.

"I don't remember much about my mother. Human memories fade rather quickly. I do remember that day rather well in the hospital with Carlisle. The pain was excruciating. I remember thinking that dying would have been much less painful and would probably have been a far better experience."

He stopped again, and this time I knew he wasn't going to continue without prodding. I didn't want him to relive such a painful memory, but something about it just wasn't sitting right with me.

"So, you really wish he wouldn't have saved you? Even after the pain was gone and you became what you are, you still resented him for it?"

"No, of course not. I don't resent Carlisle. But, yes, I wish he wouldn't have saved me."

"But, you do resent him then. He gave you eternal _life_ Edward. I don't understand why you wouldn't be thankful about that."

I was horribly confused. The way he talked about his family, I knew they were all very close and had a lot of fun together and loved each other dearly. If your whole family was immortal and would be with you always and you didn't have to watch your loved ones die, where was the problem?

Edward stood up from the bed and began pacing around the room before he fired his answer back at me.

"Bella, you don't understand. You keep saying that I'm _alive,_ but you don't know what you are talking about. I'm not _alive_. You think this is a life? Not ever being able to grow old with someone? Not ever being able to walk around outside on a sunny day? Not ever being able to develop any friendships outside of my family and others like us? Not ever being able to live in a warm, sunny climate. Not ever being able to just be yourself when around anyone but your family?"

He suddenly moved over to the side of the bed I was sitting on and leaned in so he was just a few inches from my face. He continued in a whisper, "Not ever being able to fully relax around someone you desperately want to, for knowing if you do, you could kill them simply by accident."

Despite the tirade, he sat back down on the bed and this time he was closer to me than before.

"I'm scared." The words were out of my mouth in a whisper before I stopped to think how Edward would interpret them. His response was what I expected.

"I don't want you to be scared of me, Bella. But it _is_ probably best that you feel that way." Edward hung his head slightly and turned his face away from me. I could see him pulling away from me emotionally, which is exactly what I had been afraid of tonight. I regretted my two words immediately because I wanted to deal with what he was saying at the core of his emotional outburst, and instead I was going to have to backtrack to explain myself. I had to get the conversation back on a somewhat lighter note. Diving into his _existing versus living _issues would have to wait for another time.

"I'm not scared of _you_, Edward. That's - that's not what I meant." I knew I expected that response, but did he really think I was scared of him? Why would I have gone through the trouble of putting together that funny playlist to tell him my theory if I was scared of him? Sometimes I really didn't understand how his brain worked.

"Then what are you afraid of?" His voice was soft and warm, yet I could hear the pain underneath.

"I've missed you. I'm scared you came here tonight to say good-bye. I'm scared you're building all of this up to tell me that my knowing all of this means we can't be friends anymore. Is that what you're doing? You just said you didn't have a life because of not being able to have friendships, but then what does that mean for us? Edward, I - I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend, and I -"

"I know." Edward brought his hand to my face. He slowly brushed his fingers along my cheek to tuck a stray hair behind my ear causing a shiver to quietly vibrate through my body. Edward noticed and dropped his hand immediately.

"I'm sorry." He turned his face away from me and pulled his arm closer to his body, as far away from me as possible. The second his skin broke contact with mine, I felt the void. He just wasn't _getting _it. And now it was my turn to bring the heat to the conversation.

"Why are you apologizing? And why did you pull away from me?" I reached out and grabbed his hand, holding it tightly in mine. "You think this bothers me? You think I shivered because of the temperature of your _skin_? I shivered because it felt _good_, Edward."

He didn't say a word and didn't move his hand from mine, but he looked at me with surprise in his eyes. I wasn't sure if it was surprise that I was almost scolding him or surprise that I grabbed his hand. But I could tell by the expression in his eyes that he needed to hear more. He really didn't understand anything for someone who was 108 years old and a mind-reader. I decided to change tactics.

"Edward, I've told you about Charlie and me, right? Since I've been here, I've maybe hugged my Dad once or twice. We've never been very affectionate with one another. Affection was always my Mom's department, and growing up that always kind of annoyed me about her. But I _miss_ that. I don't know about vampires, but human beings need to be touched. Skin to skin contact is important for mental, emotional, and physical well being. Since getting close to you, just being _close_ to your skin has electrified every cell in my body. Accidentally brushing my hand against yours in Biology - those were never accidents. Whenever you've touched me it multiplies that electrified feeling to a degree that I can't even begin to describe. It doesn't make me _cold._ It warms me up from the deepest part of my body. My skin heats up just by being _near_ you. When you touch me, it sends shivers down my body in a good way. Because the electrifying feeling it gives makes me feel _alive_, Edward. _Alive._" Edward's eyes finally met mine again. The twitch in his lips betrayed him. I knew he was fighting a smile.

"But if that's all true, Bella, then why did you tell me you needed space and time to adjust?" He uncurled my fingers that were tightly clasped around his left hand and gently placed my hand between both of his.

"Because I told you, I was scared. When you told me we couldn't hang out anymore, I just assumed the worst. I needed to know I could be okay without you. I needed to brace myself for that possibility because I didn't want to go back to being what I was. I never want to feel that way again. If anything, now that I know the truth, it makes getting closer to you easier."

I couldn't help but laugh at the confusion on his face from that last comment. As much as it wasn't meant to be a joke, I decided to play it that way to lighten things back up.

"I mean, at least I know I'm never going to have to attend _your_ funeral." I managed to keep the smile on my face as I fought down the negative emotions bubbling up from just saying that last word.

"Bella, that's not even funny. I don't even want to think about you..."

I cut him off before he could get any further with that thought. "So, I have one more question for you. Well, two actually. First, what do you mean you can't go outside on a sunny day? I've seen your family outside in the daytime. So...?"

Edward looked thoughtful for a minute before answering. "It's probably better that I show you sometime instead of trying to describe it. But we can be out in the daytime as long as we have cloud cover. Direct sunlight would be very bad for us."

"Does it hurt you?" Edward started laughing, obviously finding amusement in my concerned tone.

"No, it doesn't hurt us, Bella. It's just that people would know we were different. And that _would _be bad."

"Oh. So you'll show me sometime, then?"

He looked at me again with those amber eyes and the amusement dancing in them was overpowered by a sudden look of determination. "I promise."

I couldn't have stopped the ridiculously wide smile from spreading across my face if I tried. I knew when Edward made a promise he would do whatever he could to keep it. That meant that our not hanging out together after school was only temporary. That reminded me of what started all of this in the first place.

"Edward, will you tell me who the three people in the forest were? I really want to know who upset you so much that night."

He simply nodded. Before answering, he shifted his body so that he was sitting beside me with his legs stretched out on the bed.

"They were three others like me, only, not quite like me."

"I don't know what that means." I didn't want him to get too far into the story without knowing he needed to explain everything.

"I told you before that we sustain ourselves with animal blood, right?" He looked at me, and I simply nodded, not wanting to interrupt again. "Well, that is highly unusual for our kind. We know of only one other coven that lives the way we do, by only surviving on animal blood. You have to understand, Bella, human blood is what we were meant to live on. My family, we suppress the thirst for human blood, but it isn't always easy. We jokingly refer to us as vegetarians because of our chosen lifestyle. But the three that were there that night weren't like me. They feed on humans, and they really liked the way you smelled that night."

Edward put his arm around me and squeezed me into his shoulder and chest. I knew he was worried I would be scared and wanted to show me how he was only trying to protect me. It only took me a few minutes to figure out what he wasn't saying.

"They were the ones who killed Tyler, weren't they?" I knew it had to be true. But I wanted to know for sure.

"Yes. They are the reason I didn't want to spend time with you outside of school. After they killed Tyler they should have moved on, but they didn't. They stayed after they picked up my family's scent. We're different from them in many ways, and they were curious enough to stay. The one, well, he's a certain _type _of vampire that is really dangerous. If he knew you were important to me, it could have become a game to him to kill you."

I should have been scared at what Edward was telling me. But with his arms protectively wrapped around me, I couldn't feel anything but safe.

"Why didn't you just tell me then? Why did you let me believe you didn't want to spend time with me anymore?"

He looked down at me and actually laughed. "Bella, how in the world did I know you would take this news so well? How exactly was I supposed to be honest? What should I have said to you, hmmm? Should I have told you that vampires might harm you, and that I was a vampire myself, and I needed to keep a safe distance so the bad vampires wouldn't get you? Would you really have bought a story like that?"

Well, when he put it that way...

"No, probably not. I would have thought you were pulling my leg for sure."

I didn't hear him laugh, but I could feel his body shake next to me.

"What's so funny?"

He looked down at me and finally asked a question I knew he had been dying to hear the answer to. "So, speaking of the truth. How exactly is it that you came to the conclusion that you did?"

The rest of the night went smoothly. After seeing me yawn a couple of times, Edward repositioned himself again and put a pillow on his stomach so I was essentially lying on him as I recounted my process of figuring him out. I told him everything, even the part about Jacob. I could sense he was a bit annoyed at Jacob, but I think we both realized that he had done us a favor. Every little thing that helped me come to the realization about Edward was a good thing. We would still be the way we were a week ago if I hadn't figured out the truth.

Sometime around midnight I finally fell asleep in Edward's arms. There was still so much that I wanted to talk to him about. I still wasn't sure what all of this would mean for us, but at least for now, I had my best friend back.

...

"Bella, please! It will be so much fun! You don't even have to dance if you don't want to."

Jessica hadn't talked to me this much since the first day of school. She had cornered me at lunch flanked by Angela and Lauren to convince me to go with them to the Spring Fling. Apparently, they were not planning on taking no for an answer.

"I told you guys, I don't dance. And isn't the whole point of these things to go with a date and dance with them? So what am I going to do, stand by the punch bowl? No thanks."

Honestly, I didn't get it. Why the sudden interest in getting me to a dance? I shuddered at the mere thought of heels and slippery surfaces. Angela finally spoke up but directed her comment to Jessica.

"I tell you what, Jess. I'll talk it over with Bella in Biology. If she still doesn't want to go, we'll leave her alone."

Jessica was pouting and Lauren was staying quiet, an occurrence that was unsurprisingly normal for her lately. But they both nodded and trailed down the hallway. I took the opportunity to grill Angela.

"_What _is with trying to get me to go to a stupid dance? You know I hate those things." Angela and I had already had the dance discussion a few weeks back when everyone was coupling up in anticipation. "And I thought Jessica was going with Mike? What's this group thing about?"

Angela seemed hesitant, but after just a few beats she finally spit it out. "Tyler. It's about Tyler."

She looked at me sadly, and the light bulb finally went off. The girls had ditched their dates and were going together to turn it into a girls' night out instead of making it about couples. Well, crap. Just...crap. Even though Lauren and I weren't exactly friends, she was much friendlier to me now that I was one of the few people in school that she could really relate to. _Odd how some things turn out. _If it was something that everyone was doing for her, I couldn't be selfish and not go. I'd have to suck it up.

"Fine. I'll come. But I'm not wearing heels." I smiled at Angela to let her know I was just giving her a hard time. We made our way to the Bio classroom, and before sitting down, I told her I would get with her later about the details since the dance was tomorrow night.

I took my seat at the lab table and was immediately surprised to realize I beat Edward to class. It had been over a week since our conversation in my room. I hadn't seen Edward anymore after school, but I understood why, so it didn't upset me. Besides, we made up for it in Biology - I think Mr. Banner would have probably kicked us out for talking if he didn't sympathize with the fact that this class was essentially a repeat of what I learned in Phoenix.

Edward walked in and flashed a wide smile at me that I immediately returned. Despite the complexity of everything that I had learned, things between Edward and I were suddenly much simpler. We were as close as ever. He sat down, dropped his books and leaned in to me. "So, Alice just told me I need to pass a message along to you."

He had a twinkle in his eye that almost made me laugh. Ever since I found out the truth, Alice had been passing messages to me through Edward. Most of them were just cheery 'I can't wait to hang out soon' type of stuff, but Edward was usually more annoyed than humored by her messages, so I knew this one would be different.

"And? What did she say this time?" The funniest part of the Alice message system was that Alice and I had only ever actually talked to each other once - the day she introduced herself to me at Tyler's funeral.

"She said you don't have anything to wear, and it's going to keep you up tonight wondering what you can throw together, so her solution is to come over to our house and go 'shopping' in her closet."

Wow, Alice really was psychic. I had just agreed to go to the dance, and being that it was tomorrow night, I was definitely going to struggle with wardrobe choices. But I wasn't sure if popping in over at the Cullen house was such a great idea. Edward didn't say much about what his family thought of everything. I kept getting the feeling that his _not_ saying anything about the rest of the family was actually saying a very big something. What if Alice was the only one okay with everything? I couldn't imagine walking into a home where five people weren't happy about me being there.

Edward quickly picked up on my hesitation.

"As of right now, Alice said the others won't be in Forks tonight if that's what you're worried about. Or, are you worried about something else?"

The _others_- our not so affectionate term for Tyler's killers. But that wasn't what was worrying me.

"Do you really think it will be okay? I mean, your family won't mind me coming over?" I snagged my bottom lip between my teeth and tried not to show him just how worried I was.

"No, Bella. They'll be fine. Esme would love to see you again, and so would everyone else. They know better than to say anything mean or out of line to you." His lips turned up in a smile, but I could tell by the look in his honey colored eyes that this was a topic he probably had a serious discussion with them about. That only made me worry more, but I decided to push it aside. Alice was right, and I knew she would be the perfect person to help me throw something together for the dance. Besides, I'd finally be able to see where Edward lived, and I was _dying_ for that opportunity.

"Okay. I'll come, but I want to go home and leave a note for Charlie first. Do you want to give me directions or just pick me up?"

Edward chuckled while he squeezed my hand. "Bella, you wouldn't be able to find it with directions. I'll definitely pick you up. How does six o'clock sound?"

"Perfect." Everything was just perfect.

**Chapter End Notes:**

I want to thank everyone that has taken the time to review!


	15. Crush Part 1

**CHAPTER 15: Crush Part 1**

_The tick tock on the clock is painful  
>All sane and logical<br>I want to tear it off the wall..._

I quietly sang the lyrics that popped in my head as I finished my note for Charlie. The lyrics rang truer than I thought possible as I sat down and drummed my fingers on the kitchen table. A quick glance at the clock let me know I still had an hour and a half to wait. _A freakin' hour and a half? Are you kidding me? _I let out an exasperated sigh as I looked around the kitchen trying to think of something that I could do to burn up time. I already ate a sandwich and put one in the fridge for Charlie. I didn't have any homework to keep me busy since the teachers at Forks High were much more generous than I imagined possible with the dance being this weekend. And the butterflies in my stomach were way too distracting to attempt reading a book or watching something on TV.

_Why was I so anxious, anyway?_ I really shouldn't be. Edward and I had become so close since our last heavy talk, and our friendship absolutely blossomed, becoming so light and _easy_. But the idea of going to his house for some reason had me on edge. Yes, I was a little nervous about seeing his family again now that they knew I was in on the family secret. But it was more than that. I was more than anxious to see where Edward spent so much of his time. And if I was totally being honest with myself, I was completely nervous about reacting badly to whatever I saw at his home. _Are any of the stories true? Should I be preparing myself for coffins? Dungeons? A dark and musty cave? Freezers?_ I shook my head and laughed at myself. I couldn't really picture Edward in any of those surroundings. He just seemed so _normal._

I suddenly jumped as I heard a light knock on the front door. A quick glance out the window showed the silver Volvo parked out front. I had to give the boy credit; he might seem normal, but he had a knack for startling me even when I was expecting him in some form or another. First, he shows up in person instead of calling, and now he's an hour and a half early. I had to admit though, I kinda loved that about him.

I quickly went to the door and steeled myself, putting on a fake pout as I threw the door open. It took everything I had to not smile as soon as I saw him casually leaning against the door jamb.

"You're early."

"You're complaining?" He straightened up as he feigned shock.

My pretend pout slowly curved into a wry smile as I answered, "Not at all."

"Good." His lips mirrored the movement of my own, turning up into his signature crooked smile that I couldn't help but love. "Because Alice was driving me nuts. She insisted I should have said five instead of six because she needs plenty of time to not only find you the perfect dress, but the perfect shoes and accessories to go with it, or something to that effect."

"And that explains you being here at 4:30...how?" I tried to keep my laughter in check while I watched his crooked smile change ever so slightly to a more sheepish one as he ran his pale slender fingers through his copper hair. God, I loved it when he did that. _Stop it Bella! Don't go there._

"Yea, well, if you knew Alice as well as I do, you'd understand that it's just easier to not keep her waiting."

I let out a sigh. Had I really expected him to tell me that _he_ was too excited to see me again to wait until six? _Get a hold of yourself, Bella. He just saw you in school a few hours ago. And this isn't even about him. Alice invited you over, not Edward._ Right. I grabbed my coat and pulled the door shut behind me. "Let's go!"

He chuckled as he grabbed my hand and led me to the passenger side of his car.

...

Pulling up to his house, I had to keep reminding myself to keep my mouth closed. I felt my jaw first fall when I saw the beautiful wooded land that bordered both sides of the incredibly long drive leading up to the house. Although the property itself was expansive and full of pretty flowers and greenery, it paled in comparison to the stunning house we were now approaching. The side of the house I was looking at had more windows than I could possibly count. It almost appeared that one whole side and upper level was made of glass.

Edward gently guided me into the house with his hand on the small of my back, taking my coat and leading me into the foyer. Esme's feminine presence in the house was immediately noticeable as the floral aroma of stargazer lilies filled my senses. A glance around the foyer showed several vases filled with the beautiful pink flowers lining the staircase, and they were accompanied by several frames of photos of the Cullens.

"So I guess that throws that myth out the window about vampires not being visible in photos?" I shot Edward a sideways glance as I nodded my head in the direction of the photos.

He smiled back at me as he led me over to the staircase. "Well, one of many myths that are utterly false."

"It's beautiful. Everything—it's all so beautiful and bright." I glanced around the foyer and let my eyes fall on him as he started to chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

He squeezed out his response between more chuckling laughter, "You sound surprised about that. What exactly did you expect, Bella? Something that looked more like a dungeon?"

I playfully rolled my eyes at him and mockingly repeated what he said, laughing at myself for knowing that he was dead on. He understood me better than he probably even realized.

I changed the subject. "So, where's Alice?"

"I'm up here! Edward, hurry up!" Alice's voice carried down from someplace upstairs. I laughed as I watched Edward take his turn rolling his eyes.

As we climbed the stairs in search of Alice, I noticed that the house was particularly quiet and completely empty. "Where is everyone?"

"Carlisle's at the hospital, and everyone else is out for a bit. They'll be back soon. Esme wanted me to assure you she would see you before you left."

I had to smile. After meeting Esme briefly, I already knew I could easily love her.

We finally found our way to an open room where shuffling noises were coming from deep in the closet. The closet door was only cracked slightly, so I couldn't see inside it until Alice suddenly peered through the crack and swung it open in a quick fluid motion. My mouth fell open at the sight. Her closet had to be at least the size of my bedroom, maybe even bigger.

"Alice! _That's_ your closet?"

I looked from her to Edward and found them both laughing at me.

"Of course it is sweetie! Now, Edward, go!" She pushed Edward back and out the door before shutting it in his face. I heard him mumbling something, but couldn't quite make out the words when Alice answered him.

"Now, now, Edward - I'll let you see our Bella all dressed up eventually, but right now, we need privacy from boys - so go away. And no peeking in my head, either! Go take a walk or something for an hour." She giggled as I heard him mumble something else I couldn't make out, and then before I had time to catch my breath, she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the closet.

"Alice, I can't wear that!" My reaction came out a little more shrilly than I intended, but I made my point. Just the thought of wearing the black dress in public, with the plunging neckline and the barely there back, made my skin flush.

"Okay, okay - how 'bout this one?"

We had been in this closet for over an hour already. Alice had insisted on seeing me in every single dress instead of letting me veto any options, making the process take much longer than I thought it would. I couldn't believe how many dresses she had. It was like going into a department store. Alice's theory was that something I might not _think_ I would like just by looking at it on a hanger could very well be something I would really love once I had it on. While I'm sure that might be true for some people, so far it wasn't the case with me.

She was holding up a royal blue dress that actually didn't look so bad. It was a halter style with an empire waist. I had insisted on a dress that wasn't too ornate and absolutely refused to wear anything with sequins. Thankfully, Alice agreed with me and said that would be over the top for a spring dance, even for her. The material of the dress she was holding in front of me was soft, light, and silky. It was pretty, but not overly ornate, which was perfect for me.

I tried it on, and as soon as she helped zip me up I knew it was the winner. I looked in her full length mirror and almost startled myself. I actually looked kinda pretty. A slow smile spread across my face as I saw Alice winking at me in the mirror. I turned around to face her.

"Thank you, Alice, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you helping me. I just wish you guys were going to be there."

Alice had told me shortly after I started trying on dresses that she wasn't going to the dance herself. In fact, I found out that none of the Cullens were going. I wasn't sure why, but Alice just said based on her visions, she decided it wouldn't be wise. I was thoroughly bummed. I had been secretly hoping that maybe, _just maybe_, I could sneak in a dance with Edward. Although I hated these kinds of events, I thought if I could at least have one dance with him, it would make going worthwhile. _Such is my luck._Alice wrapped her arms around my waist and gave me a quick hug.

"Well, as much as you might be bummed about us not being there, times that by about a hundred and you'll understand how bummed _I _am about not being able to pick out your shoes!"

I laughed at Alice's pout. She was so disappointed when I told her we didn't need to worry about shoes because I had a pair of simple ballet flats I planned on wearing. She had argued with me then, and I could tell by the way her face was twisting up she was about to again.

"Bella, did you ever watch those popular John Hughes movies when you were a kid?"

"You mean, like The Breakfast Club?" I still had the smile on my face, but I felt a little confused as to where Alice was going with this.

"Yea, and when was that movie made? I mean, what decade?"

Her smile was sugary sweet, and I finally realized where she was heading.

"Alice, if you are trying to say in a roundabout way that my black flats are outdated and belong in an 80's John Hughes movie, I don't care." I laughed out loud at the new frown developing on her face and gave her a quick squeeze.

"But, on the plus side, I don't have any jewelry that would go well with this dress, so - "

"Say no more! Accessories are even more fun to pick out than shoes!"

With the sparkle back in Alice's eyes, I followed her into her room to a small dresser she had just for jewelry. As Alice hummed to herself while she browsed through the drawers, I felt my lips involuntarily turn up into a warm smile. Alice had been so easy to get along with. The minute I had come into her room she made me feel at ease, as if I completely belonged there. She instantly made me realize what I had been missing all these years growing up without a sibling. While I knew Edward would always hold the spot as my best friend, I realized even after the little time we'd spent together that Alice could easily be just as important to me, only more like the sister I never had.

Once Alice had picked out all of the accessories, she had me try everything on together and then sat me down at her vanity where she wanted me to wait for her, saying she needed to run downstairs for something she wanted to add to the ensemble. I couldn't even begin to fathom what else I required, but dutifully did as I was told.

I had to give Alice credit for her enthusiasm. Getting enthused over clothes was never something I felt compelled to do, but Alice just made it easy to share in her excitement. I studied my reflection in the vanity mirror in front of me. Being here was surprising. I realized every time I had looked at my reflection since walking into the house, I had a huge smile on my face. I couldn't remember the last time I smiled that much for that long.

"You look beautiful."

I spun around and saw Edward standing in the door wearing a royal blue shirt under a dark gray suit. He looked amazing.

"So do you," I replied a little too breathlessly for my comfort. Feeling my face flush, I quickly recovered by asking the obvious.

"Why are you so dressed up? And we match!"

He let out a glorious chuckle and answered with "Alice" as he glided over to her stereo. There just wasn't a better word for how graceful he was. He turned the CD player on, flipping through CD's until his smile let me know he found what he was looking for. He popped it in and grabbed the remote in his left hand. Walking over to me, he held out his right hand.

"Ms. Swan, will you do me the honor?" He half-bowed as he extended his hand further.

"You … you want to dance with me?" I stammered and flushed at the same time and immediately wished I could have a tenth of the grace he and Alice had.

"Unless you don't want to." A frown slowly started spreading down his face, and I did the only thing I could to stop it.

I jumped up out of the chair and offered him my hand. "NO - I mean, _no_, of course I want to."

His chuckle returned, and he pulled me to the middle of Alice's room and wrapped the hand with the remote around my waist, using it to start the CD before tossing it to the side and pulling me ever so slightly closer to him. His other hand clasped around mine, and he pulled my arm up so that our hands were resting on his chest. I recognized the song immediately as he swayed us back and forth before slowly making circles in time to the music.

_Crazy, how it, feels tonight.  
>Crazy, how you, make it all alright love.<br>You crush me, with the, things you do,  
>I do, for you, anything too oh.<em>

"I love this song." I hummed lightly as I looked up into Edward's eyes. He was gazing back at me with a glow I hadn't noticed before. _Was I just imagining it?_

He answered by pulling me even closer and whispering, "I figured you probably did. That first day, in Biology, you seemed to really like _The Stone_, so I figured you might be a fan. That's not exactly a song most people have heard unless they have a CD or two."

It amazed me how much he knew about me, about music, about _everything._

I mmhmm'ed my agreement, and as he tightened his arm around me, I let my head softly lean against his chest. Yes, his body was cool. Yes, his chest was missing a heartbeat. But it would have been easy to miss both of those things because of my own body's reactions. Being so close to him made my face flush and feel warm, so that the coolness of his chest actually felt good, and my heart was beating hard and fast enough for two people. Somehow it just all felt right. That feeling grew exponentially when he let go of my hand and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into an Edward cocoon. He leaned his head down so his cheek rested on the top of my head and began singing the chorus in time to the song.

_It's crazy, I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.  
>And here I'm, dancing on the ground<br>Am I right side up or upside down?  
>And is this real, or am I dreaming?<em>

_Lovely Lady, let me drink you please,_  
><em>I won't spill a drop I promise you.<em>  
><em>Lying under this spell you cast on me<em>  
><em>Each moment, the more I love you.<em>

_Crush Me._  
><em>Come on.<em>  
><em>Oh yeaaaaaa.<em>

_It's crazy, I'm thinking_

_Just knowing that the world is round  
>And here I'm dancing on the ground<br>Am I right side up, or upside down?  
>Is it real, or am I dreaming?<em>

_Lovely Lady,_  
><em>I will treat you sweetly<em>  
><em>Adore you, I mean, you crush me.<em>  
><em>And it's times like these<em>  
><em>When my faith I feel<em>  
><em>And I know how I love you."<em>

Edward grew quiet toward that last line and whispered the words instead of singing them. _Did I just imagine him doing that?_ My head swirled, and if Edward wasn't holding me so tightly, I was sure I would have collapsed from the impact of everything. _He is just singing a song, Bella._

Edward finally picked up the lyrics again and this time pulled his head slightly back and lifted his arm so his hand could tip my chin up. His eyes met mine as he finished the song.

_By love we'll beat back the pain we've found  
>You know,<br>I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside  
>My friend.<br>With each moment the more I love you.  
>Crush Me.<br>Come on, baby  
>So much you have given love<br>That I would give you back again and again  
>Meaning I'll hold you,<br>But please, please let me always."_

The look in his eyes was unmistakable. _Wasn't it?_ His head lowered ever so slightly, his eyes seemed to be searching for something in mine. I looked at him with wonder and - and - _love._ Yes, _love_- I couldn't help it.

"Wow." I whispered the word under my breath as everything in my head came together at once. The thoughts were flying a mile a minute, and although I couldn't quite comprehend them all, the way he was looking at me _was_ unmistakable.

I did love him. I had known it for a while. I fought it, not wanting to get hurt, not wanting to feel that much emotion again, but I just couldn't help it. I knew he just wanted to be my friend, but _was I wrong?_

His lips were in a straight line, not quite a smile, but not a frown either. He looked … nervous?

It took only about two seconds for all of this to go through my head and realization to reach my eyes, which seemed to be exactly what Edward had been waiting for. Even slower than before, he let out a light breath and angled his head slightly, lowering it ever so gently. My eyes fluttered closed with anticipation, my stomach tightened, and ...

"Hey bro! There you are! Oh, uh, sorry. Bad time?"

"Emmett!"

A female voice was hissing. A male belly-shaking laugh was somewhere to the left of us. I barely noticed. I forced the external intrusions out and fought hard to keep myself steady and focused on what was about to happen.

But nothing was happening.

I blinked my eyes open and saw Edward's eyes tightly closed, his lips pressed in a much harder line than before. I looked to the left and saw Emmett and Alice in the door. Emmett was still beaming a huge smile at us, and Alice was beaming - a grimace? She looked downright pissed at Emmett. Well, at least _that_ made me laugh. I looked back at Edward, and his eyes opened and seemed to search mine again. I tried to convey all the things I couldn't say in front of an audience with a shy smile and a burning gaze. He answered with the same. _What the hell just happened?_

Edward slightly growled and looked over at Emmett. I had to wonder if Emmett was thinking the same thing as me. The only difference was that Edward could actually hear his thoughts.

"Yo, everyone is waiting to see Bella downstairs. Giddy' up!" Emmett snapped his arm up and around simulating a fake whip, and Edward finally chuckled. Squeezing my hand, he looked at me and mouthed a "we'll talk later" with an apologetic frown, before leading me out of the room and down the stairs.

Thankfully, my feet seemed to have a mind of their own and were capable of following directions, because my mind was completely lost.

_What. The. Hell. Just. Happened?_

**Chapter End Notes:**

The song is Dave Matthews Band's _Crush_ and if you don't know it, carry yourself right on over to youtube right this second to hear it. You should definitely hear that song in order to fully get the effect of Edward singing to Bella. Make sure you are looking up Crush and NOT Crash, another one of his songs!


	16. Crush Part 2

_**A/N:**_

This is the second part of _Crush_ (CH 15) and if you are confused by the end, just know that you are meant to be. The chronology is shuffled around and if it seems like this chapter is disorienting for the reader, it is intended to be that way, as the main character is quite disoriented as well.

**CHAPTER 16: Crush Part II**

Blackness.

_I need to open my eyes. _I blinked. _Nothing changed. Still vacuous black._.

_What...happened? Why can't I see anything? Where _am _I?_

I clutched my chest, preparing myself for the worst, but... it felt normal. _Why wasn't my heart racing? _I should be panicking. The darkness around me was absolute. _Where _am_ I? What happened? _I wanted to sit down, but there was nowhere to sit. I looked around and grew more agitated at my lack of surroundings.

_"Bella...Bella..."_

Where was that coming from? Was that in my head? The voice...it's ...familiar.

THWACK!

_OW! What the hell?_ I grabbed my sore cheek. _Where the hell did that come from?_

_"Bella, dammit ... Bella!"_

Though it sounded far away, I could hear the urgency laced in the slightly familiar voice.

_What, what do you want?_

I tried to scream, but the words were muted. I felt tears welling up, and knew I was finally losing my mind.

THWACK!

_Stop it! Please, leave me alone!_

I put my hand to my cheek to try and cool the stinging sensation. My skin felt moist and sticky from the tears now flowing freely down my cheek. _Wait, sticky? Tears aren't sticky, are they?_

My head, oh God, my head. It was so heavy. I needed to sit down. I really needed to sit down. My knees buckled, and suddenly I was falling...

"Bella, Bella, dammit, listen to me! You _have _to be okay."

The voice didn't sound as far away anymore. I was still falling, falling towards the voice. I felt like Alice going down the rabbit hole. _Alice._

_Think Bella. Why is that important?_

"Come on, Bella! Please be okay. Open your eyes."

Her voice was growing more frantic. _But...why? Couldn't she tell I was almost there? I just needed to fall a little further..._

"Please let me get to Carlisle in time."

Wait...that voice. Yes, I definitely know that voice. _Rosalie?_

Something slammed hard against my chest as awareness pummeled my brain. I tried to blink my eyes open, but what I saw didn't make sense. Against the black night sky there were long blond strands dancing in the wind. I shut my eyes and took in a long, deep gulp of air.

"UUUNNNGGHH" I cried out instantly.

Oh God, oh God, my chest - the pain was excruciating. Was my chest sliced open? _Don't breathe, much better to take short, shallow breaths. _

"Bella? Are you waking up? Keep still, I'm almost there."

_Almost where?_

"To the house. Jasper and Alice already took Ben and Angela there. They're going to be fine, but we needed to get them out of there so they didn't see..._ anything._"

I must have asked that question out loud...wait ... Ben and Angela..._ oh God._

_Edward?_

I didn't want to say it out loud, afraid of the answer. If she wasn't cradling me so close to her face as she ran, I might not have heard the next three words leaving her lips in a soft, sad whisper...

"I don't know."

...

**24 Hours Earlier...**

"Oh, Bella! _You _are just lovely!" Esme's voice carried over the other noise in the room as soon as she saw we were on our way down to join the rest of the family. Alice and Emmett were play-fighting while Edward was focused intently on helping me down the stairs. I would have found it funny except he was holding onto me so tightly I was worried he was going to give me a bruise.

"Edward, not that I don't love having you squeeze the life out of my arm, but really, I'm not a china doll. I promise I can make it down a flight of stairs without falling."

Although I was being serious, I kept my tone playful so he didn't think he was hurting me.

"Do you not remember how you broke your wrist?" He lessened his grip, but still held on.

"I guess I deserved that." I said it more to myself than anything, but Edward still laughed, reminding me that anything I said to myself could probably be heard by everyone in the room.

We finally found our way down to the living room, and I immediately walked over to the woman whose warm smile had an incredible gravitational effect on me.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cull-"

She held up a hand and shook her head and smiled. "It's Esme, dear. Please, just call me Esme."

"Thank you, Esme. I certainly _feel_ lovely, thanks to Alice."

"Nonsense! You should feel beautiful even without the dress and make up." She gave me a wink, but then leaned in and whispered, "Between you and me, I always feel the most beautiful when I'm dressed and put together in something that feels very _me_- even if that happens to be a bathrobe."

Alice let out a slight gasp, and I knew she had heard Esme. _That would have to get annoying, I would think, having everyone able to hear everything_.

"Don't worry, Alice, I'm not suggesting anyone go to a dance in a bathrobe." Esme let out a musical laugh as she patted her daughter on the shoulder and then squeezed her into a hug. I could tell she whispered something in Alice's ear, though I couldn't hear what, by the smile that spread across Alice's face.

"Bella, you look exquisite!" Carlisle walked over to me and lightly took my hand, looking my wrist over carefully.

"And I'm glad to see you healed so nicely. You were lucky it was such a clean break, this bracelet seems to be a much more suitable accessory than the cast you had on your wrist up until last week." He patted my wrist and gently massaged where the break had been and then placed my hand in Edward's.

I smiled warmly and thanked him for taking care of my wrist when he did.

"Bella, if you need anything, anything at all, I hope you feel comfortable asking Esme or myself for whatever you might need." He gave me a meaningful look before giving my shoulder a soft squeeze and excusing himself to his office where he said he had some work to catch up on. The warmth of his personality was so palpable that it was easy to become completely oblivious to his cold and hard exterior. He was more gentle and more compassionate than any mortal human being I had ever come across.

I looked down at my hand that was now wrapped in Edward's and was amazed at how well our hands seemed to fit together.

"Come on, I want to show you something."

While his siblings seemed to all be distracted by what looked to be a wrestling match between Emmett and Alice, Edward pulled me into a smaller room where a beautiful white grand piano proudly stood as the focal point of the space.

Now _this_ was an exciting surprise. I knew Edward played, but I hadn't had the pleasure of actually hearing him yet. "What are you going to play?"

He laughed at my question. "What makes you think _I'm_ going to play? Maybe I wanted to see if _you_ would play something for _me._"

The little twinkle in his eye gave him away every time. Two could play this game.

"Hmmm, yes, I could clear the house very easily with my very substandard version of _Chopsticks_, _if_ that was your intention."

I walked over to the piano and sat down, stretching my arms in front of me and wiggling my fingers as if I were a skilled pianist readying herself for a solo concert. Before I hammered out an awful rendition that would make everyone regret their superhuman hearing, I paused and looked up at Edward with a mischievous smirk on my face and winked at him.

I lifted my arms above the keys a little higher, preparing to strike them with enough force that would make him cover his ears, but not enough force to hurt the piano. Right before my fingers came into contact with the ivory, Edward's own ivory keys - his fingers - came out of nowhere and wrapped around my hands, gently pulling me up and away from my chosen weapon against his sensitive ears.

Holding me tightly against him with his left arm, he let go of my left hand and placed his fingers under my chin to tilt my head up.

"As much as I think I would enjoy your clearing the house, it might be a little early for that..."

Huh? Well..._damn._ The flush crept up my neck and cheeks instantaneously making me feel even more embarrassed.

_I guess I'm kinda bad at this game._

Edward quickly placed a soft, sweet, and very _chaste_ kiss on my forehead before pulling me back towards the piano to sit next to him on the bench.

I sighed. Why the forehead kiss? Was I imagining that he was about to kiss me in Alice's room? I know I wasn't. I could see the look in his eyes - it was the same look I had in mine. I never told him exactly how I felt. Maybe my traitor blush made him think I was uncomfortable and that he had gone too far with his joking? Did he doubt my feelings for him? _God, this stuff can be so confusing._

Edward pulled me from my thoughts by lightly bumping my shoulder with his. "Everything okay? You seem...distracted."

Recovering quickly, I answered with an easy and playful tone. "Just trying to figure out what you plan on impressing me with, maestro. You know, I happen to have a soft spot for anyone who can play well, so you better be good buddy." Another wink and I knew we were back on lighter ground.

He let out a little snicker before saying "I'll see what I can do" and then his fingers went flying over the keys.

Impressive wasn't even a good enough word for his skill. He was unbelievable. He started out with a few classical pieces before busting out a very quick and very funny rendition of _Great Balls of Fire_. From that he masterfully slowed his playing down and segued into _Moonlight Mile_ before finishing it off with a hauntingly beautiful version of _Crush_. As he played the last song, I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, remembering our dance just a few minutes before up in Alice's room. And of course, remembering our _almost_ kiss.

I was so lost in thought I didn't realize right away when he finished playing.

"Bella, open your eyes. Look at me." His voice was barely above a whisper but I could hear the plea in his tone.

My eyes opened and met his. He brushed his lips across my forehead and the softness of the kiss made my eyes flutter closed again. He then grazed each eyelid with his cool lips before moving down and lightly kissing the tip of my nose. His lips traveled further down until his sweet breath was mingling with mine. My lips parted instinctively and right before I thought for sure our lips would meet, he put his hands on either side of my face and leaned his forehead against mine. With an exasperated sigh he let out another pleading whisper, only this time it wasn't directed at me. "Not now."

"Sorry, bro, I hate to interrupt, but Alice said Bella should really get home. _Now._"

Edward's head snapped up, and he stared at Jasper who was standing in the doorway. Neither of them said anything for what seemed like a minute or more until Edward abruptly reached down and pulled me to my feet.

"I have to take you home. Right now."

"Edward, what is it?" I didn't want to panic, but I knew something was seriously wrong.

"The _others_ are coming back. We need to get you out of here and try to camouflage your scent before they get here."

Tyler's killers. Great. I hated them even more now that they ruined my moment with Edward..._again._

"Can you, um, do that? Hide my smell?"

Edward finally lightened up as he walked me back into the main room where Alice was gathering up my clothes into a bag.

"Yea, we can. At least, Alice thinks she can. She's going to 'douse the house' and she says that will work."

"What does that mean, to 'douse the house'?"

Although I asked Edward, it was a fuming Rosalie that stormed her way into the room to spit out an answer.

"It means we're all going to suffer so Edward and Alice can play house with their little pet - "

"_Rosalie!_" Esme, Edward, and Alice all threw her desperate looks.

"What? She should know." She then turned to me and finished her thought. "Garlic doesn't kill us, but it hurts like hell to smell, it reeks to high heaven, and you can't get rid of the scent for _ages._ Alice's cute little term for covering your scent means she's going to literally sanitize the place with garlic so _they_ won't be able to smell you. They won't be able to smell _anything_ if they come within a mile of this place, and neither will we! Not to mention, it's _painful._ I imagine an adequate comparison would be like a human snorting really hot pepper seeds...for _weeks._"

I looked at Rosalie with a horrified expression. Why didn't they tell me they would have to go through all of that if I came over? I felt _awful._

Leave it to Emmett to ease the tension with a bark of laughter.

"What the hell is so funny?" Rosalie practically snarled at him. Although I could understand why she was pissed, I was pretty sure after just a few minutes of being in the same room with her that she was someone that would be very difficult to warm up to.

Emmett tried to answer through bouts of laughter. "Trying...to..imagine..Bell..a...with ... pepper...up...the nose..."

I looked around the room and noticed Jasper fighting a smile and Carlisle chuckling softly. My eyes finally found Alice and Edward, who had been in deep muted conversation through Rosalie's outburst, and even _he_ gave me a playful wink. Okay, so maybe this 'dousing the house' stuff wasn't going to be as bad as Rosalie says.

Alice came over and gave me a quick hug before leaving me with instructions on everything I needed to do in order to get ready tomorrow night. Everyone else gave a friendly wave - with the exception of Rosalie - as Edward walked me out to his car.

On the way home, I asked Edward to tell me the truth.

"Just ignore Rosalie, I do. It's really not as bad as she says. The truth is, the scent to a human won't be any stronger than a night when a family makes a nice Italian meal with garlic as one of the main ingredients. She is right, it is rather uncomfortable to smell it at first, but you work up an immunity to it after awhile. Rosalie is just mad because she'll be able to smell garlic on her clothes and in her hair for a few weeks, and that is something _difficult_ for her to live with."

I looked at him with a quirked smile before putting his words together. "So, basically, she takes pride in smelling good and smelling like garlic isn't exactly her idea of Chanel No. 5?"

"Exactly."

I still felt bad, and although I was sure Edward was sugar-coating the effects for my benefit, it made me feel better hearing that from him. We pulled into my driveway, and I was really glad to see the cruiser. It had been a long time since Charlie was home at a decent hour.

"He wants to spend more time with you, ya know. He thinks he leaves you alone too much. But he's really being hard on himself with Tyler's death and finding out what happened to him." Edward looked at me thoughtfully as he let me in on Charlie's thoughts.

I smiled at his effort, but with Charlie, I didn't need any help. "I know. Charlie and I have never really talked much, but he's pretty easy for me to read. It's been bothering me that I know what happened to Tyler and I can't tell him. It makes me feel like I'm responsible for him feeling so preoccupied right now, but there really isn't anything I can do. Can I?" I looked hopefully at Edward. Maybe there was something we could do to solve the case without giving anything away, and I just hadn't thought of it.

"Carlisle has been working on it. He's trying to figure out a way to lead Charlie in a direction that will close the case without giving any of us away, but he just hasn't come up with anything yet. We're working on it, Bella. We all like your Dad. None of us want to see him question his abilities as a cop."

Now _that_ did catch me off guard. "He's questioning his career?"

"Well, sure. He's ultimately responsible for solving Tyler's case, and he's no closer to solving it now after all of these long hours as he was when the kid was first found. He's been doubting himself a lot lately. You didn't notice that?"

"Honestly, I haven't seen much of him to notice it. Most nights he comes home after I'm already in bed. He's been working so many long hours it didn't even occur to me that he might be having those kinds of doubts. God, Edward, that makes me feel even _worse_. There _has_ to be a way to ease that anguish for him. It just isn't fair."

Edward leaned over and gave me a tight hug. "Maybe you could just talk to him. If he knows he doesn't have to worry about you, it might help him with other things, too."

He was right. It had been a long time since Charlie and I spent any amount of time together. I got out of the car and waved to Edward. Just as I was about to open the door, Edward was next to me in a flash.

"Wait. Before you leave. I need you to promise me something."

"Sure, anything."

"Tomorrow night, we won't be around because of _them_." He said 'them' with so much distaste he could have spit their names, and it would've had a similar effect. "So, I need you to be careful. Promise me you won't go anywhere by yourself. Promise me."

His pleading amber eyes were a mix of desperation and determination.

"Of course. I won't go anywhere by myself."

He sighed in relief, but his face froze as I continued. "But I'm only agreeing because I really don't want to become someone's dinner tomorrow night and put Charlie through any more grief. Don't think I'm going to be so easy on you telling me what to do if there isn't any immediate danger to my life involved, mister." I kept my face completely straight as I waited for his response.

His frozen face seemed to melt before my eyes, and he let out a lighthearted chuckle. "Bella, I wouldn't _dream_ of thinking I could get away with telling you what to do."

I let out my own laugh at his choice of words. "Yea, but that's just because you're physically incapable of dreaming."

With that, he gave me another soft kiss on my forehead and cheek before vanishing into his car as the porch light came on.

...

Charlie and I had spent the entire morning and afternoon together. As Saturdays went in Forks, it had turned out to be one of the nicest days since I moved here. The sun was out shining bright and Charlie and I decided to do some much needed landscaping maintenance around the house to enjoy the weather. We went to a local greenhouse and filled the bed of my truck up with various plants, trees, and flowers. I had insisted we spend the day outside, and since I wasn't one for fishing and it was still too cold for the beach, I decided it was the perfect day to clean up our yard. Charlie was thrilled I was willing to lend a hand, though I playfully warned him that the extent of my green thumb was in taking care of cacti - and that wasn't saying much.

Charlie and I had talked a lot as we planted flowers, pulled weeds, and clipped shrubs. He told me he invited Billy and Jacob over later to watch one of the games while I was at the dance. Although not incredibly thrilled to hear Jacob's name, I was fairly excited that Charlie was taking a personal day and hoped it would help alleviate some of his stress from work.

Once the afternoon winded down, I spent about an hour taking a long hot shower and getting ready for the dance. Jessica was planning on picking me up after doing the same for Angela and Lauren, and we were all supposed to be riding to the dance together. It was a little after seven when I heard the doorbell, and figuring it was them, I grabbed the dress purse Alice let me borrow and opened the door.

It wasn't Jessica or Angela at the door. It was Jacob and Billy.

"Come on in, guys. Charlie's still in the shower but he'll be down in a minute."

"Bella, you look pretty." Jacob flashed me a perfectly white smile while Billy just nodded, eying me curiously.

"Yea, um, thanks. It's our spring dance tonight." A car horn beeped outside, and I felt relief as I was saved by the bell.

"Um, make yourselves at home, like I said, Charlie will be down in a minute. Gotta go!"

I stepped outside and waved to the car full of girls when I felt a strong hand wrap around my upper arm.

"Bella, wait. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"I really don't have time Jacob, my ride is waiting. Maybe later?" I tried to extract my arm from his hold, but he didn't budge.

"No, Bella, it really can't wait. I need to talk to you _now_." His smile faltered when he looked up at the car that was now honking repeatedly.

I was torn. I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted to talk to me about, and I really didn't want to get into a conversation about Edward again. But the imploring look in his eyes made me cave. He was good to Charlie, and despite how angry he made me during our last conversation, I could tell he was pretty much a good kid. _Damn it._

"Fine. Just give me a sec, okay?"

I walked to the car to tell the girls I wasn't ready yet and would meet them at the dance. After promising Jessica three times that I wasn't bailing on them, they finally pulled away, and I turned to Jacob.

"Okay, let's hear it. But you have to make it quick, Jacob, because I really do need to leave so I can meet up with my friends."

"Is _he _one of the friends you're meeting?" I knew who he was talking about and decided a direct approach would be better than playing dumb.

"I'm going to answer you Jacob but only to wrap this conversation up. Don't think for one second that this is any of your business. The answer is no, Jacob. _Edward _- he does have a name, ya' know - will not be at the dance. Is that all you wanted to know? _That_ was the important thing that couldn't wait?" I looked at him expectantly.

"Actually, I thought it would be a good time to talk about vampires."

I froze.

_Don't show a reaction, Bella. Stay calm._

I let out a cool laugh. "And here I thought you said this conversation couldn't wait. You want to have story-time with me about mythical creatures? I would think sitting around a bonfire on the beach with your friends would be a much more entertaining venue for that talk."

He looked frustrated. "Fine, play dumb. But I just needed to warn you. You need to be careful of who you have as friends, Bella. Some ... _people_ are too dangerous to call friends."

The tone he used for the word "people" reminded me of the way Edward said "them" the night before. And then I remembered my promise. _Crap._

"Look, Jacob, I really don't know what you're talking about, but I appreciate the concern, really, I do. I have to get going though, so have fun watching the game!"

I turned and threw myself into the truck, fired it up and pulled out of the driveway before he could protest. It was hard to be mad at Jacob. Knowing now what I do about the vampires that killed Tyler, I could see why someone who didn't know the Cullens very well, but knew _what_ they were, would get the wrong impression of them. He was concerned, and I could hardly blame him for that.

Unfortunately, his concern was misplaced, and now I was breaking my promise to Edward. My only consolation was the clear sky above. The sun hadn't quite set yet, and I knew it was still too bright for Edward to be out in public, so I hoped that was true for _all_ vampire beings. I would just have to get someone to ride home with me at the end of the night.

...

My head and chest ached, and I let out a groan, wishing I could go back to a few hours earlier and redo the night.

Rosalie's voice screamed through my head like a freight train as she - surprisingly - very gently placed me on something incredibly hard. "Has anyone heard...Emmett? Edward?"

"Jasper and Alice went back to help. We haven't heard anything yet. They're going to be okay."

"But Carlisle, Edward ..." her voice trailed off. "I shouldn't have left."

"Rose, you did the right thing. He wouldn't have been able to defend himself if he was trying to protect Bella."

Hearing my name made me cry out from the memory of what happened, but I couldn't think of anything else as that action made my body convulse in agonizing pain.

"I think she has a punctured lung...maybe a few broken ribs. It seemed like it was hurting her to breathe."

"I can take it from here, Rose. Why don't you go check on - "

"NO!" Her voice was frantic again. "I promised him, Carlisle, I promised him I'd stay with her. If anything happened to him... " I could hear her as she took a deep breath and forcefully repeated herself. "I promised I would stay with her. I can't leave, so just tell me how to help."

The last words I heard came from Carlisle. "She's going in and out of consciousness...morphine...let her rest."

I tried to focus on something tangible to keep from falling asleep. I needed to hear what happened and if Edward was okay. _Please let him be okay._

I felt my body slowly give up the effort of staying awake and as my mind drifted, one sentence that focused on the night's events kept repeating itself in my brain..._What the hell just happened?_

**Chapter End Notes:**

Yes, I left it hanging like that...I really did. Everything will make sense by the end of the next chapter. Unfortunately, that will not be up until either Saturday or Sunday. Have a great weekend!


	17. Cracklin' Rosie

**CHAPTER 17: Cracklin' Rosie**

_Edward, No!_

I tried screaming, but the words just gurgled out of my throat. I stared at the scene in front of me in powerless horror. Flaming red tangling itself in beautiful bronze. Two topaz eyes frantically locking with mine as white fingers locked themselves around a slender pale neck. A flash of blond ponytail and the most awful metal gnashing sound I had ever heard in my life.

Edward. My best friend that I loved unequivocally. The look of pain and horror in his eyes, a look I knew mirrored my own, as I helplessly watched his entire right arm being brutally ripped from his body...

"Edward, oh God, no! Please, please, stop...please let him go..."

...

"Bella?" The voice was back. Rosalie's voice.

"Bella, wake up - please, I can't tell you everything's okay until you wake up."

_Beep... Shunk... Beep... Shunk... Beep... Shunk... Beep... Shunk... Beep..._

The steady sounds of the monitors slowly brought me back to consciousness. I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up if I had to face a devastating blow like the one plaguing my memories. Every single time my mind wandered to that traumatic moment, I felt the bile rising up from my stomach. Just the thought of the possible outcome, the chance at that kind of loss..._again._

But I _had _to know. "Ed - ward?" My throat was dry and scratchy, and I could tell my voice was barely audible. I wasn't sure if a normal person would have even been able to hear me, but knowing who was sitting next to me, it didn't surprise me when I got an answer.

"He's okay. I promise he is. Can you open your eyes for me? We really need to talk, and I'm not sure how long we'll be alone."

Her voice was tender. Sweet, even. It was worlds away from the bristling verbal attack she launched into just ... wait, how long ago was that? One night ago? How long had I been out? And if he was really okay, then where was he?

"Where..." My throat hurt too much to continue talking. I decided to do as she asked and tried blinking my eyes open.

The fluorescent lights were an immediate assault on my sensitive eyes, but by blinking and squinting I managed to adjust to the brightness and take a look around. The sounds and smells gave the hospital away before I even had a chance to take in my surroundings. What _was_ surprising was the person sitting next to me. I still didn't understand how out of all of the Cullens, it was Rosalie at my bedside. My facial expression must have given my thoughts of confusion away because Rosalie answered my unspoken question.

"We've all been worried about you. Carlisle's on call, so he's out making rounds, but he's been here with you from the beginning. Esme finally convinced your Dad to go to the cafeteria with her for some coffee and a hot breakfast - he hasn't left your side up until about five minutes ago. Alice and Jasper are with Edward, and so is Emmett, though he's pretty upset about not being able to come here."

She stopped talking as soon as she brought up Emmett and took a long hard look at me. I would have felt uncomfortable under any other circumstance, but she continued before I had a chance to say anything.

"He's already protective of you." My thoughts immediately went to Edward, but she surprised me by finishing her thought. "Emmett sees you as being like another little sister to him. He almost loves you as much as he loves Alice only he knows you're much more fragile. It scares me for him - for any of them - to get so attached to you. And it really terrifies me that it happened so quickly."

She let out a breath she probably didn't realize she was holding. As much as I wanted to ask her about what she meant by that, I had more important things burning on my tongue, waiting to be asked. I took a few long swallows and tried to gently clear my throat. She seemed to understand what I was trying to do and handed me the water sitting next to my bed. I took a sip through the straw and felt immediate relief.

"Edward? Please, Rosalie, tell me what happened." My eyes pleaded with hers until she finally stood up and started pacing the room.

"This attachment - the one that they all seem to have with you - it almost got him killed." She was talking more to herself than she was to me, and all I could do while she worked out what she was trying to say was to hold onto the word _almost. _She finally came back to the chair next to my bed and sat down, leaning in close to me.

"Bella, I'll tell you everything that happened, as long as you promise to hear me out about other _things _once I do."

I agreed. I was getting so worked up by the not knowing that I would have agreed to almost anything to know what was going on.

"Okay. First, I'd really like to know what you remember about last night."

Okay, so at least she gave me a time line. It had been last night. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the last thing I saw. It was too painful to relive again. I decided to start with the dance.

"I remember asking Angela if she'd mind riding back with me from the dance. I thought all the girls would be riding home the same way they rode to the dance - I didn't realize they were all going to split up. Had I known that Angela coming with me meant Ben would be driving alone, I wouldn't have asked her."

I stopped as I thought back to the previous night. Despite us trying to make it a girls' night out, everyone ended up pairing up together anyway. Mike and Jessica and Angela and Ben danced the whole night as the two couples they were, and we were all pretty glad to see Eric keeping Lauren on the dance floor, too. They seemed to really hit it off. It made sense to me. Eric had been Tyler's best friend, so it was something they shared, a bond that brought them closer. I, of course, planted myself next to the punch bowl and the night ended up playing out exactly as I had predicted. But I didn't care. I remember smiling and watching everyone and just feeling genuinely happy. And I remember standing there, amazed that I was listening to music in public without breaking down, and instead of reminding me of my Mom it brought me back to the previous night of dancing with Edward. I was having a happy memory instead of a sad one, and to me, the night felt worthwhile just for giving me that.

Rosalie was patiently waiting for me to continue as I sorted through my thoughts and trained my memories on what happened next.

"We left after everyone else because we had to go back into the gym to get her camera she left by the DJ stand. When we finally left the parking lot, we started talking about the night, and she admitted that she and Ben were finally feeling more and more like a couple, but she wasn't sure he felt the same way because they hadn't even kissed yet. I remember thinking that I probably had ruined a perfectly good opportunity for them, knowing that if Ben had taken her home, she might have gotten her kiss. Angela laughed about it when I told her as much and just said there would be another time. But that word - _time_- it's such a trigger for me. I immediately thought about Lauren and Tyler and decided right then what I wanted to do. I told her, 'Time is never your friend' and convinced her to let me head towards Ben's house so maybe she could get a chance at that kiss after all."

I stopped to take another sip of the water. My throat was starting to burn again, but I knew I had to continue. I wanted to get to the part where my memories stopped so Rosalie could fill me in on the rest. I _had_ to know the rest, so I kept going.

"When we turned down Calawah, it only took us a minute to see his car up ahead at the intersection at Elk Corner. Ben was leaning under the hood, and as we got closer and rounded the corner, my headlights skimmed the edge of the forest, and that's when I saw _them._"

I sucked in a deep breath that ached in my chest as I remembered that exact moment. It was honestly the last moment I remembered in clear detail.

"What happened next, well, I'm not really sure. I remember it all happening so fast. I swear, they were moving so fluidly toward him it looked like they were being gracefully propelled in his direction. Ben had his head under the hood and didn't even know the danger he was in. Angela was talking - saying something about Ben and helping him, but my thoughts didn't process that she was talking about the car and not _them._ She didn't even see them."

I squeezed my eyes shut trying to remember the exact sequence in which everything played out after that. It was hard to do because it all felt jumbled together in my brain. While I tried to remember, Rosalie filled in the blanks.

"It doesn't surprise me that she didn't see them. She wasn't looking at the forest, she was paying attention to Ben. If you didn't see them that night when you and Edward were out hiking, and if you didn't know they were back in town, you might not have paid attention either. It _does _surprise me, however, that you had such a quick reaction - so that's when you decided to crash into Ben's car? When you saw them? What did you think that was going to accomplish, anyway?"

Her voice wasn't accusatory, it was curious. I wasn't really sure how to answer her though.

"I'm not sure. I just... in that second looking at Angela and seeing nothing but love in her eyes as she eagerly awaited us to get to Ben... I didn't want that look ruined. I just, I just couldn't stand the thought of someone so good and so full of hope..."

I couldn't finish my thought. It felt stupid now that I thought about it. How can you protect someone from loss? Everyone has to go through it in life. Death is a part of life, and sooner or later, everyone loses someone. But the rational side of my brain abandoned me, and all I could think was that I couldn't watch that happen to someone that didn't have any darkness in her yet. Maybe I couldn't keep that from her forever, but I knew I couldn't just do nothing. Not just for Angela, but rational brain or not, I couldn't just turn my back and let them take Ben, either. What kind of person would just stand by when they knew someone's life was at stake?

"I knew even if it was three on three we were dead. Edward had told me enough to know that just one of them could kill the three of us in seconds. My truck seemed like the only solid weapon against them. At that moment, everything seemed to line up. Ben must have noticed my headlights and stepped away from his car to flag us down at the exact time that they moved on the other side of his car, I assume to hide themselves from the light. So I just reacted - I floored it with the idea of pushing Ben's car into all three of them and taking them out all at once. If they came out in front of his car to try and stop me, then even better, since I knew my truck could probably inflict more damage than his car."

Rosalie let out a gasp of laughter. I stared at her in shock as she composed herself.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I know it's not the right moment, but _Jesus, _it's like I know you're an idiot, but I still feel like you're my hero all at the same time. It's just...sorry. Continue."

I looked at her for a moment before asking, "Well, what would you have done? I'm such an idiot, I get it, but if you weren't equally as strong as them, what would you do in that situation? Would you have just let him die?"

I didn't mean for it to sound like I was accusing her, but it must have because she grew very quiet before answering. "No. Yes. I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved, then absolutely I would have tried to do something, _anything._ But for just another person, someone I had no real attachment to? I don't know the answer to that."

She might not know the answer herself, but I had a pretty strong feeling I knew what happened to land me in this hospital. "You saved me, Rosalie. You don't have an attachment to me, and you saved me. Doesn't that answer your question?"

She looked sadly at me before answering. "I didn't do it for you, Bella. I saved you to save them." She let out a long sigh and added, "But I'm glad I did. Now, keep going so I can get to the part where I tell you how Edward is being an insufferable ass and I kinda stopped hating you."

At hearing his name, I picked up the story, knowing I was almost done with my part.

"After I floored it, I remember crashing into his car, but I honestly don't remember much else. I only have bits and pieces, and most of them don't make any sense. I remember hearing a scream that I'm pretty sure came from Angela, but I don't remember seeing Ben at all. As a matter of fact, the scream is the last thing I really heard before I woke up on the ground - and I'm not sure how much later that was - and then..."

I didn't want to keep going. The next thing I remembered was too horrible to say out loud.

Rosalie thankfully already knew that part. She finished my thought for me.

"And then that's when you saw Edward's arm getting tor-" She stopped mid sentence when she looked at my horrified expression. "I mean, that's when you saw Edward getting hurt?"

I closed my eyes and nodded. "Rosalie, please - if what I last remember is, well, if that _is_ what really happened, I need to know how he is. I need to know what happened after that. How did you guys even find us?"

Rosalie looked thoughtful for a moment. I wanted to tell her that the anticipation of hearing the rest was killing me, but something in her face told me to be patient.

"Bella, I had to put the pieces together from what everyone has told me, since I obviously wasn't there the whole time, but I'll fill in as many blanks as I can."

With that said, she walked over to the door and peeked her head out, then gently closed it before coming back.

"I think we have enough time. I could hear Esme and your Dad, and they're still down in the cafeteria."

"Carlisle assures me that Edward is going to be fine. From what I understand, he's being a complete pain in the ass for the others, but Esme has been calling him just about every ten minutes with updates on you, and that's the only way they can keep him at home. But, trust me, if he could be here, he would be."

I had to interrupt her. I already knew Edward would be here if he could be, I needed to know why he couldn't be. I had to know what happened to him.

"Why can't he be here, Rosalie? Please tell me what happened!"

Rosalie let out another breath and finally launched into a full recount of the previous night.

"I didn't understand myself why Alice was so late seeing what was about to happen. It makes sense now that you've explained your end. See, the future is always changing. We stayed away from the school and away from you because we knew they were back in town, and Alice saw that they were going to approach us this time. She thought it was because of the garlic that made their intentions more ..._forceful_. But she kept an eye on what was going on with you the whole time, and she was satisfied that every time she looked at your future, you were home in bed and safe. Edward was being ridiculous. He didn't care what Alice saw, he said he had a bad feeling about the night and wanted to see you so he could see for himself that you were okay. Alice kept telling him that if he did that he would change the future and put you in danger. It was the only reason he didn't go to the dance to be with you.

"When you made that last minute decision to head to Ben's house, you ultimately changed the future. Alice immediately had a vision about the whole thing, and before she could even tell the rest of us what she saw, Edward watched it play out in her mind and took off running before we even knew what was happening. Once the rest of us were filled in on what was going on, we formulated a quick plan and took off ourselves. Jasper, Alice, Emmett and I were to follow Edward. Our main goal was to get the three of you out of there and take care of _them._ Alice told Carlisle that she thought he and Esme should stay at home and prepare the kitchen for medical attention that she already knew you guys would need - just from the collision she knew we would be too late to stop. She knew that Carlisle would have to do damage control before we took you guys to the hospital.

"Edward is faster than the rest of us. He got to you guys first, and as we were running, Alice turned and told me that I needed to do what Edward asked. I didn't know what she meant, but she just said, 'Rose, Emmett will get to him in time. But you have to do what Edward asks'. I knew from her tone that I wasn't going to want to listen to him. She knows I'm just as stubborn as Edward. I guess we all share that trait."

She stopped talking briefly to smile at me. That's when I realized that she was including me in that statement. Despite being completely engrossed in her story, I couldn't help but think how distracting and strange -_ yet oddly nice_ - it was to hear Rosalie talk about me the same way she was her siblings.

"Anyway, we were all running together until Emmett saw one of _them _running off in the distance. He took off through the woods in the same direction to get to him, and I instinctively followed. Alice was yelling at me to go to Edward, but I knew Alice and Jasper were almost there. Emmett was by himself. I called out after Emmett, not knowing what I should do, but he echoed Alice and told me to go to Edward.

I still didn't know what I should do, where I should be running to, but the next noise coming from the forest in the direction that Alice and Jasper had gone made the decision for me. It was a painful and agonizing scream, and I immediately recognized it coming from Edward."

I cut her off. This had to be the moment I remembered, but I honestly didn't remember Edward crying out in pain, although I could see in his eyes the immense torture he was feeling.

"So that was when they were ripping...him apart. Right in front of me." It was a quiet statement, not a question.

But Rosalie answered as if it was a question and surprisingly corrected my thought with a quiet, "No."

I looked at her questioningly before she continued.

"He never cried out when they were hurting him. His scream was because they were hurting _you._ You don't remember anything about that?"

I didn't. I told her as much.

"Well, after the accident, Angela was thrown from the truck, which probably saved her life. But you were still in the cab. Your head must have slammed against the steering wheel, which is why you have a concussion. The woman - Victoria - tore the driver's side door off the truck and pulled you out of the car by your left arm. She apparently didn't appreciate you trying to kill them with your truck."

Rosalie smiled at me and shook her head as she continued.

"James, the blond one, was fighting with Edward. Edward kept trying to get to you, but James was keeping him busy. From what Alice told me, you were unconscious at that point. When Victoria pulled you from the car she threw you toward a tree, and that's when Edward let out his heartbreaking wail. The force alone should have killed you, but Jasper and Alice got there just as you were airborne. Alice went straight for Victoria and tackled her while Jasper tried to cushion your fall.

"We're all pretty amazed at Jasper. You were bleeding pretty badly from your head injury by then, and he didn't even blink an eye being that close to you. He gently put you down and went to help Alice, but that's when they noticed Ben and Angela. Victoria used Alice's distraction to get out from under her and run away. Edward was getting the upper hand over James and told Alice and Jasper to get you out of there. It was all happening so fast, but I was only a few minutes behind Alice and Jasper, so Alice decided to get Ben and Angela out of there first. She knew I would be there in time to help you, but I still don't understand how Alice could do what she did if she knew..."

Rosalie stopped and looked away for a minute. I understood what she didn't want to say, and I had to agree with her. But I knew how close Edward and Alice were. Alice had to have had her reasons. I picked up my right hand and put it on Rosalie's left one that was gripping the side of my bed.

"Rose, Alice loves Edward, you know that. If she knew what was about to happen, then she also knew that he was going to be okay. She must've had her reasons. You know that."

"Oh, I know. It's just, I can't imagine having to make those kind of decisions when you know what the outcome is. She told me that every other decision ended up with one of you guys dead, so it was the only way to keep everyone alive. And she knew if Edward had to make a decision about going through that kind of pain or keeping you alive, he would give every limb to the cause if that's what it took. She was right to make the decision she did, I just don't know if I could have done the same thing."

She kept going, and to my relief, the pieces of the puzzle were slowly coming together.

"Alice took Ben and Jasper took Angela back to the house. Luckily for them, they were both unconscious. Ben had been knocked out by Edward and -"

"By Edward?" I _thought _the pieces were coming together, but that had me lost again.

"Yes, by Edward. When you hit Ben's car, the car was only pushed into Victoria and Laurent - and not very effectively, I might add. James was already out of the way and had Ben by the throat, ready to run and take Ben with him. When Edward got there he went straight for James and knocked Ben out of his grasp, but the blow from getting thrown to the ground knocked Ben out instantly. That's what started the fight between Edward and James. James was suddenly much more interested in fighting Edward than escaping."

She continued the story where she left off before I had interrupted her.

"Victoria must not have gone far, because Edward said as soon as Alice and Jasper were gone she came flying back out of the woods. Edward had James pinned when Victoria went straight for you. I'm still not quite sure what she did to you, but based on your injuries, she must have squeezed your chest... I think she was trying to wake you up more than hurt you."

"Why? Why would she want to wake me up? She could have just crushed me to death in a second."

"Edward said she thought it was funny that you tried to hurt them, but she lost her sense of humor when she saw Edward close to killing James. She wanted you conscious when she killed you and wanted you to watch them rip him apart."

I didn't want to hear this next part. I already had a clear enough idea of what happened at that point from my memory. Instead, I urged her to pick up where she left off with her own story. "So, what happened once you reached us?"

"It took me a second to take everything in. You were gasping for breath and looked liked death, but it was the fear in your eyes that I remember with vivid detail. The look in your eyes - even in the face of death and what I knew were pretty extensive _and incredibly painful _injuries of your own - your fear and pain were directed at Edward. You weren't in fear for your own life, but for his. I have to admit, that caught me by surprise."

I wasn't sure how Rosalie could see that in my face, and I don't remember her being there, but I knew the moment she was talking about.

"I remembered looking at Edward with all the fear, love, hope, and desperation I could possibly feel at that moment. I just can't describe the utter helplessness that you feel watching someone you love go through agonizing pain and possible death when there is nothing you can do to stop it. Heartbreaking is an incredible understatement, and there really isn't a good enough word to describe it. What do you mean it took you by surprise?"

"You have to understand, Bella...I didn't know, I mean I guess I should have, but I didn't know the extent of the connection between you and Edward. I thought it was incredibly dangerous for him to be so close to you. Dangerous for him, for you, for all of us. I just don't think Edward thought things through when it came to you. But after seeing you look at him that way, and the pleading in his eyes when I realized what he was asking of me... you were looking at him the same way I would Emmett. That's when I realized that as much of a bad idea I thought this whole thing between you two might be, it was already done."

"I love him, Rosalie. I do. I have for a while now, though I can't be sure when I became aware of it. I know it doesn't make much sense, and believe me, I know there are _complications_...I mean, I know we can't be together for obvious reasons ... but despite the road blocks, I love him. He brought me back to life, ya' know? Before I met him, I was just focused on getting through each day, one day at a time. I didn't have hopes or dreams, and I never fantasized about the future. I was numb and had no willingness to be an active participant in my own life. Edward changed that; he changed me."

A sad smile spread across Rosalie's face. "Bella, I'm not sure you fully understand the complications that come with having a relationship with Edward. But you promised to hear me out once I told you what happened, so I'll wrap the story up so we can get to that more important discussion."

I agreed as she continued.

"I reached you first, and after the second it took me to acknowledge the looks you two were giving each other, I gave a pretty horrified look to Edward myself when I noticed his condition. My protective instincts kicked in immediately, and I launched myself at them, out for blood from one of them, and I didn't care which one was sacrificed first. James was tearing at Edward and Victoria was holding him, so I ended up going after James first. I had him by the throat, but before I could do anything, Edward called out to me. I took my eyes away from James for just a second to look at Edward, and that's all it took. I let go of James and ran to you, understanding what I had to do.

See, Victoria knew we were more evenly matched once I was there, and she was smart enough to know reinforcements would be coming fast. She broke away from Edward as I came at James and moved toward you. She was smart to do that. Edward's cries from earlier when she threw you told her all she needed to know about him. I caught up to her just as she grabbed you. She let go of you, and you landed pretty hard against a tree trunk. I grabbed her by the hair and whipped her around, slicing her neck with my nails..."

I felt the color drain from my face at Rosalie's words. She must have noticed because she paused before jumping ahead in the story.

"Um, anyway - I was able to get her away from you. I looked back at Edward one last time, making sure I was doing the right thing, and Edward was still pleading with his eyes. He was barely fighting back, and I knew as long as you were there in danger he would be too preoccupied with your safety to defend himself the way I knew he was capable of. I heard Emmett running toward us and knew Edward wouldn't be left alone to fight two of them for long. I picked you up as gently but as fast as I could, and before I took off I heard Edward breathe out two simple sentences: 'Take care of her, Rose. Don't leave her side.' He sounded so awful, in such pain. It broke my heart knowing his pain stemmed more from worrying about you than what he was going through. He really loves you, you know."

She smiled and gently squeezed my hand before continuing.

"You lost consciousness while I was running, and I kept trying to wake you up because I knew you had at least a concussion, not to mention a whole assortment of other injuries. I didn't find out what happened with Edward and Emmett until after I got back to the house. Alice and Jasper had already dropped off Ben and Angela and were on their way back to the scene by the time I got there. I honored my unspoken promise to Edward and haven't left your side since, so everything I know next I've gathered from Esme and phone calls to Emmett, mostly.

Emmett did get there just about a minute after I left, but that was plenty of time for James and Victoria to work on Edward's other arm. They almost had that one ripped off, too, but Edward was apparently putting up a good one armed fight to slow their progress, or at least that's what Emmett said he saw when he showed up. He took off full speed and barreled into the trio, knocking them both off of Edward with one blow."

I could sense a surge of pride in Rosalie's voice as she recounted what I'm sure was Emmett's version of what happened next and not necessarily Edward's.

"Emmett took on James and Edward fought one on one with Victoria. I have to admit, it sounds pretty impressive that he was able to fight her one handed while Emmett was literally ripping her mate apart right in front of her. As soon as James was...well, _dead _I guess, Emmett attacked Victoria, who at that point had a surge of anguish over James' loss and was really going at Edward's throat. Emmett and Edward together were able to finish her off pretty easily once they combined their efforts.

The next part was the hardest. Emmett had to try and start reattaching Edward's arm, but Edward was being stubborn of course. He didn't care about his arm and wanted to take off for the house...after _you_. Luckily for him, Alice and Jasper got back to them just as Edward slipped through Emmett's grasp, and the three of them were able to wrangle him to the ground so they could hurry up and start the process."

"What - what did they have to do to him?"

"Not much can harm us, Bella, so there isn't much necessity for our bodies to have special healing powers - that's another myth about vampires. Although there isn't much that humans can do to harm us, we are certainly capable of causing damage to each other. When one of our kind tries to kill another one of our kind, there is only one effective way of doing it. You need to rip apart the body and burn the pieces. It sounds gruesome, I know - and believe me, it is. Our bodies might not have healing powers, but our venom can seal a wound, which becomes crucial in the ability to put ourselves right again. But reattaching body parts is even more agonizing than the pain of being ripped apart, so I'm told. And it's an incredibly slow process. But to speed up the process and make it a little less painful, it helps to start as soon as possible after the, well, after a limb has been...removed.

"Alice convinced Edward that you were okay and by that point on your way to the hospital, and there was no way he could be in front of people with his arm the way it was. Besides that, she said she was trying to formulate a story for you to explain the scene and the accident, and there wasn't an effective way of doing that if we were all in town when this all happened. Alice had them stage the scene, and she is pretty sure everything will work out exactly as she planned."

Rosalie stopped and went to the door. She hurried back to the bed and spoke quickly, "Bella, it's important that you do exactly as I say. You need to tell your Dad you don't remember much of what happened. Angela and Ben are awake, and they've already told your Dad what they remember. Angela doesn't remember much but does remember you speeding up toward Ben's car. Ben only remembers seeing your headlights and someone grabbing him. Which is a good thing, and helps out our story immensely. Tell him you remember that there were two people, one was a woman in the driver's side of Ben's car and the other was a man close to Ben in front of the car. You knew something was wrong when you saw a silvery glint that looked like a knife by the reflection of your headlights, and it looked like the guy was holding it to Ben's throat. You just reacted and remembered gunning the truck to get to him faster but something made you lose control of the truck and the next thing you remember is waking up in the hospital. The rest he already knows."

"What do you mean the rest he -"

Before I had a chance to finish asking my question the door was opening, and Esme and Charlie were walking toward me.

...

The day had been exhausting. Luckily, Charlie was easily persuaded when it came to my feigned memory loss. The story Alice came up with must have seemed plausible enough, and I was grateful they came up with a way to solve Tyler's case at the same time. I made a mental note to make sure to ask one of them what exactly the story was that they came up with.

Esme let me use her cell phone to talk to Edward, and I felt immense relief at hearing his voice, knowing his healing process was not only well underway but almost complete. He joked about his captors and said as soon as his arm looked human again he would come to the hospital.

Carlisle talked to me at length about pain management and my responsibilities with my at home care. I thought the talk was a bit premature since he already told me I would be spending a minimum of two more days in the hospital. But throughout it all, Rosalie was the most surprising. She kept her promise to Edward without hesitation. She never left my side. The few times my Dad acted like he might want to be alone with me, she stepped away from the bed and pretended to fall asleep in a corner chair.

She also reminded me as soon as Charlie left to get dinner that I had my own promise to honor.

"Bella, remember when I told you that I needed you to hear me out on something important I needed to say to you?" She stood up from the corner chair she had been rooted in and crossed the room as she talked, picking the TV remote up off the nightstand so she could turn the volume all the way down.

"Yes, I do." I took a quick short breath and let out a slight sigh. "Should I be worried?" I bit my bottom lip and chanced a small smile, hoping whatever she had to say wasn't as bad as I thought.

She returned a careful smile but didn't answer my question before she started talking.

"Bella, I know the connection between you and Edward is strong. It's undeniable that you two love each other. But I need you to take a step back from your feelings for just a moment and really listen to what I'm about to tell you. Can you do that?"

She waited for my nod before continuing, "I need you to understand the nature of what we are. Our family, we're all really close because we're all we have. Do you understand that? It's dangerous for us to get close to humans because it risks exposure. It's dangerous for humans to get close to us because we're _vampires_, Bella. We can prepare ourselves to be around humans by abstaining from human blood and staying well fed on animals, but we've _all_ slipped, Bella. We have _all_ slipped. I know Edward or any of us for that matter, would never intentionally hurt you, but you have to be aware that accidents can happen, they _have _happened. Good intentions aren't going to keep you safe."

I felt my heart beating faster listening to what she was saying. I had to interrupt her. I understood there were risks. There were unavoidable risks in everyday life. But I couldn't see living my life in a box. How was that living?

"Rosalie, I do understand that there are risks. What are you suggesting, that I just cut your family out of my life?"

She slowly shook her head, and I felt my heart slowly return to normal.

"No, I'm not suggesting you cut us out of your life; in fact, at this point, I'm worried what that will do to my family. I just, I don't know. Maybe there isn't anything that can be done. It's too late."

This conversation was getting too vague to keep me from getting frustrated. I asked her pointedly, "It's too late for _what_?"

She finally blurted out her point. "You're going to die, Bella. One day you are going to die, and my family - all of whom have become incredibly attached to you and will only get even more attached to you the more time they spend with you - will be devastated. Because we _won't_ die. Do you understand? Edward will be seventeen years old _forever_. Carlisle and Esme are never going to experience the joy of having grandchildren. Emmett and I will never be able to have kids. Alice and Jasper will never be able to grow old together. And Edward, he will have to go on existing for eternity after watching you grow old and die. You have no idea how soon that day will seem for us, for _him. _I just...I just don't want to see them all get so attached to you and then have to go through that kind of heartbreak and loss."

I stared at Rosalie wide-eyed through the last half of her speech. I couldn't believe what she was saying, and I couldn't believe she was saying it to _me._

"Rosalie, I never want to hurt anyone in your family, but loss is a part of life. I know you guys are vampires, but you obviously have chosen to exist as much like humans as possible, and I hate to break this to you, but death is an inevitable part of being human. You might not have to experience it yourself, but losing a loved one, as horrible and traumatic and sad as it is, is a part of being human. It's a part of life whether we like it or not. You can't protect your family from that." I softened my voice and placed my hand on hers before continuing, "Although I understand why you'd want to."

"Bella, there are other things, too. What can possibly come from a relationship between you and Edward? What are you expecting? Are you going to stay with him through your twenties and thirties, wasting the only years you have to bear children? What about when you hit forty or fifty? Are you going to be able to be a member of society when your boyfriend looks like he's in high school? I just don't think you guys have thought this thing through."

I had to agree with her, but it didn't matter to me.

"You're right. We haven't." I wasn't quite sure where the giggle came from, but I choked it back hoping Rosalie didn't notice. "Look, to be honest, Edward and I haven't figured anything out yet. I just know that he's been there when no one else was. He's my friend, Rosalie, above all else, he's my best friend. That's all that matters to me. The rest we'll figure out when we need to. I'm not worried about it."

"But that's what worries me, Bella. Someone needs to be." She paused and stood up, walking over to the window before speaking again.

"Has Edward told you about how I became what we are?"

I shook my head, "No."

She let out a breath and seemed reluctant, but spat out her story as hurriedly as she could while still speaking slowly enough for me to understand her.

"I was beautiful and high up on the social ladder. I was set up and soon engaged to a man that was equally prominent in society. But he didn't love me. He wanted to marry me for the increased status, not because he cared about me. One night, about a week before our wedding, he got drunk with a group of his associates. I always enjoyed taking walks at night when the streets were quiet. It wasn't as dangerous to be out alone at night back then, and it was the best time for me to collect my thoughts, and ironically, when I felt the most free and safe from the pressures of my life. I heard a racket coming from down the street and recognized my fiancé's voice yelling drunken slurs at someone that must have walked by. I was furious at him, so I headed toward the commotion preparing to give him a piece of my mind."

She walked back toward my bed and sat down. "I never got the chance. They were too drunk. He didn't care enough about me to stop his friends. Before it was all said and done he actually joined in. After they..._hurt _me, they left me there for dead. I would have died had Carlisle not found me when he did. But I was too young to die and too young to be kept frozen in a body that is incapable of changing. I should have been a mother. I was meant to have children. I was meant to grow old and have grandchildren and great grandchildren. It was never supposed to be this way."

Her voice trailed off, and I took the opportunity to interject my own thoughts.

"Rosalie, I can't tell you how sorry I am for what happened to you. No one should ever have to suffer the way you did. But having said that, do you understand that even if you hadn't been found by Carlisle or even if you hadn't been so close to death at that age, how do you know you would have lived long enough to have great grandchildren? Any number of things could have prevented you from fulfilling the life you thought you were meant for. What if you did get pregnant but died during childbirth before you even met your baby? What if you were physically incapable of having kids? What if you ended up marrying the jerk and _he_ wasn't able to have kids? What if you did have kids but died before they were able to have any of their own? Do you see my point? There are so many 'what ifs' in life that if you play that game, you are making it impossible to ever be happy with what you _do _have. So let me play a new round with you. What if you weren't found by Carlisle and you died in that street that night? You would have died before ever knowing what it was like to really be loved by someone the way you are meant to be loved in a relationship - the way Emmett loves you. Would you really be willing to trade an eternity with Emmett for just the chance, not even the guarantee, of having a child?"

Rosalie didn't get a chance to answer. Before either of us could say another word the door to my room burst open, and the face that I had committed to memory rushed toward me.

"Edward!"

The pain shot through my body as I abruptly tried to sit up to get better access to him. But I hardly noticed. I needed to touch him, make sure he was really there and was really okay.

His soft velvety voice was in my ear in less than a second whispering, "I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry, Bella."

He gently eased me back down on the bed and lightly scanned my body with his fingers, making sure I was all intact.

"Edward, please do not apologize. You have nothing to be sorr-"

In true Edward fashion he cut me off by placing a finger over my lips. He leaned in to me again, brushed my hair back from my face and peppered my forehead and cheeks with light kisses. "I'm sorry for not being here sooner. If I could have been, I would have. I hope you know that."

His eyes were blacker than I had ever seen them, but they were his, and I was relieved to be looking at them again. "I love you." The words spilled out of my mouth without hesitation.

"I love you, too, Bella."

He wrapped his arms around me as best as he could, and I snuggled my head in the crook of his neck. His cool skin was remarkably refreshing, and I felt my body immediately relax with his proximity. I vaguely noticed Rosalie quietly leave the room while Edward started singing a tune that had me laughing in no time.

_"Cracklin' Rosie, make me a smile  
>Girl if it lasts for an hour, that's alright<br>We got all night  
>To set the world right<br>Find us a dream that don't ask no questions, yea."_

There were things that were still unsaid between Rosalie and me. I knew there was more that she wanted to say, and I knew that I owed it to Edward and myself to really think about the things that Rosalie talked about. But being in Edward's arms and hearing his beautiful voice singing to me, it felt as though everything was the way it should be. The way it was meant to be. The world, or at least _my_ world, had been set right again.


	18. Redemption Song

**CHAPTER 18: Redemption Song**

"I can't do this anymore. I can't keep lying to everyone about _everything._ This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I just...I _can't_ keep doing this. And _this_ isn't...well, it just isn't working..."

I waved my hand between us to demonstrate my point.

"Look at me."

I shook my head and looked even further away from him. I couldn't look at him. How could I tell him that I thought I needed to take a step back from all of this - including him - if I had to look into those beautiful honey colored eyes that I knew were so full of love?

"Bella, please. _Look_ at me."

I softly shook my head as I trained my eyes on the floor. "I'm sorry, Edward..."

…

**_**2 Weeks Ago...**_**

"I can't _believe _this!" The look and sound of desperation didn't seem to affect any of them except for Edward. I looked directly at him, but he just looked away from me, slumping his shoulders and placing his head in his hands. He wasn't capable of feeling physically tired, but the look of mental exhaustion was unmistakable. I immediately felt guilty. I didn't want him to think I was blaming him - or any of them for that matter - for this.

"Can't I just go through a side door or something?"

Alice pulled my head back to her and continued brushing powdery stuff all over my face. I tried to pull away, but Alice held my head still while venting her own frustrations.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't know this would happen. I can't see _everything_, ya know. For a small town like Forks, you're a big hero. If you face the press now while you walk out of this hospital, then you'll have fewer of them follow you later."

I closed my eyes. This was _not_ happening. Through clenched teeth I managed to ask the question I didn't really want the answer to. "It's _Forks_ for God's sakes, what kind of press can there be? And what do you mean _fewer_?"

It was Rosalie who piped up next. "Bella, we know this wasn't your idea and we all know you certainly didn't ask for this kind of recognition, but -"

"Didn't _ask_ for it? How about I don't _deserve _it Rosalie! I didn't save anyone. You guys did. This has all gotten way out of hand..."

Rosalie jumped in without missing a beat, "No, it hasn't. Bella, what _would_ be out of hand would be for them to know it was _us._ That kind of attention is exactly what we can't afford. We have done everything in our power to remain fairly anonymous, because we can't give anyone any reason to think we are more than what we pretend to be. Trust me. It is better for everyone involved if the hero worship is directed at you instead of us."

They all seemed to be staring at me with the same pleading look. Or maybe that's just how it seemed to me. Edward stood up and walked over to my bed and sat down next to me. He gently pulled me into the comfort of his cool, hard form and whispered, "I'm sorry."

At hearing Edward's ridiculous apology, the guilt squeezed my heart until I couldn't take it anymore. I looked up at him and forced a smile. "No, Edward, _I'm_ sorry." I made eye contact with each of them when I spoke next. "I'll play the part. I'll do what I have to in order to protect your secret. You all had a hand in saving my life. I can do this for you. It's my turn."

As relief washed over the room and lifted the tension the door to my room swung open, welcoming an obviously proud and exuberant Charlie into the room.

"Well, Bella, are you ready to do this?"

…

**_**8 Days Ago...**_**

"Bella, will you sign this?" I turned away from my locker to see who was talking to me. I didn't know the girl's name but I recognized her as the only freshman cheerleader on the Varsity squad at our school.

"Why do you want me to sign a piece of blank paper?" The question coupled with my obvious look of confusion did little to dissuade her from pushing the paper and herself closer to me, invading my much needed personal space.

After several seconds of waiting for her to answer and backing myself up against my locker, she finally acknowledged my lack of understanding and started laughing at me. "For your _autograph _of course! You're like, Forks royalty, ya know? I heard one of the networks is airing a special on national news, so I want your autograph. You know, so people believe me when I tell them I know you."

Oh _god._ She had to be mistaken. Or joking. She _had_ to be. It couldn't be true, _please please please don't let it be true. _It couldn't have made national news.

I turned back to my locker, grabbed my Bio book, and slammed my locker shut. I stormed off in the direction of class without so much as a sideways glance at the peppy intruder. I tried not to think about it. She had to be mistaken. Why on earth would any of the news channels outside of Forks care about a car accident that supposedly prevented an _almost_ murder? Weren't there enough _real_ murders for them to cover? And would this be a risk to the Cullens for unnecessary exposure? _Why didn't Alice see this coming?_

The more I thought about this _news _the more my emotions felt out of control. Embarrassment mixed with fear. Guilt mixed with gratitude. I pulled the door open to the Bio lab and planted a neutral expression on my face. It was the best I could do for Edward. As I sat down next to him, I tried to smile, but the look he returned let me know I wasn't fooling anyone, least of all him. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but if it involved the words "I'm" and "sorry" then I wasn't in the mood to hear it. His repetitive apologies over the past week were only making me feel worse. I shook my head to stop anything he was about to say and just mumbled a quick explanation for my mood, "A cheerleader wanted my autograph."

Saying that sentence to anyone else would have likely resulted in laughter. But Edward knew me better than to find any of this funny. It sounded ridiculous, even in light of all the other ridiculous things I had been saying lately. But saying it out loud made it all seem even worse. I let out an exasperated sigh thinking about the amount of attention I've received since the accident. The attention I had been getting coupled with the amount of lying necessary to maintain our story was starting to wear on me. I stopped talking to my classmates because it seemed the outrageous story Alice came up with was the only topic anyone wanted to discuss.

As my thoughts continued to preoccupy my mind, without saying a word, Edward placed his hand over mine underneath our table and rubbed soothing circles with his thumb on the back of my hand. A small comfort in a world I was back to feeling anything but comfortable in.

…

**_**1 Hour Ago..**_**

"Dad, this is completely unnecessary, and ridicu-"

"Bella, stop saying that. Has high school education become so bad that your vocabulary is really that limited?"

Charlie's playful side had become a surprising constant since leaving the hospital. He seemed _lighter._ I imagined much of that was due to the weight lifted from his shoulders for solving Tyler's case. It was really the only good thing that seemed to come from my deceitfulness.

But all joking aside, Charlie was being completely serious with what he just hit me with.

"Dad, come _on. _The media attention is starting to calm down a little, this is only going to add fuel to the fire, and I don't need that right now. I just want to get back to normal. Can you understand that?"

Charlie's smile faded as he let the bomb fully drop.

"Sorry, kid. You're just going to have to suck up the attention a little longer. The committee already made the decision and the ceremony has been set for this Saturday night. I'm afraid whether you want it or not, you're getting the Forks City Medal of Valor and believe me, Bells, they don't hand those out to just anyone. It's a big deal, and you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you."

If it was possible in that moment, my face fell even harder. Those last words were like a knife being thrust into my chest. It was misplaced pride and I knew this was becoming more than I was capable of taking. I wanted it all to stop.

I silently sulked up to my bedroom. I grabbed my toiletry bag off the floor and headed into the bathroom. I needed the comfort of the stinging heat from the shower. The scalding water was like talking to an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile. Ever since I had become friends with Edward I no longer needed the water to dull my pain, but now I knew it was exactly what I needed. I needed to numb my emotions so I could try to think clearly.

School had become a nightmare. Angela and Ben got off the hook pretty early on because they let everyone know they were unconscious through the entire ordeal. Even though I knew they had nothing but good intentions in mind, I couldn't help but feel resentment towards both of them for being the two original supporters of the 'Bella is a Hero' movement. I knew why they felt that way. Ben thought he owed me his life. Angela was beside herself with gratitude for saving her boyfriend's life. _At least they had finally owned up to their feelings and made it official._

Being in the hospital was easier. After an initial visit from Angela and Ben once they were discharged, I had Carlisle ban any visitors from my room with the exception of the Cullens and Charlie on the pretense that I needed constant rest. The truth was that as the days wore on, the more I felt at odds with lying to everyone. But what I hated more than anything was how it was affecting my relationship with Edward.

Edward and I had become so close so fast since I picked up and moved to Forks. He was a breath of fresh air in a world I came so close to suffocating in. I could no longer imagine my life without him. He made me smile at times when no one else could. He was a constant comfort just by being in the same room as me. I trusted him implicitly. He made me feel secure, loved, _adored. _And instead of being a grief-stricken sob story, I could just be myself around him. With Edward, I had my personality back. I had friends and looked at people when they talked to me instead of shuffling away from all the stares I imagined being there. I was able to just let go and look past all the heartache and actually see a future for myself. Instead of just wanting to make it through the day, I looked forward to the next day knowing I'd see Edward again. I smiled and laughed more now that he was in my life.

_But the past two weeks have been different._ It wasn't his fault. It wasn't my fault. It just..._was. _ I was starting to understand what Rosalie meant when she talked about _complications._ This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't part of the plan. The story was supposed to blow over and things were supposed to go back to normal. I wasn't supposed to get all of this attention and I wasn't supposed to have to keep lying like this. I was feeling guilty all the time. If I wasn't feeling guilty for lying to someone, then I was feeling guilty for not being able to hide my feelings from Edward well enough for _him _to not feel guilty. It was a constant strain for both of us. To make matters worse, our romantic relationship seemed to be suspended indefinitely. Our friendship remained as strong as ever, but it was hard for us to begin to try and physically express our affections because we always seemed to have an audience. If it wasn't Charlie or Edward's family, it was people from the media or our classmates. It wasn't fair. We finally acknowledged how we felt about one another but haven't been able to do a thing about it.

I turned the water off and grabbed my towel. Edward and I had a fairly new routine since I was discharged from the hospital; he called every night to tell me good night and to talk or sing to me until I fell asleep. The nights over the past week or so have been difficult. Edward and I haven't been saying much to one another. We weren't angry with one another, but talking was starting to feel overrated when the topic on both of our minds had been beat to death. I've been having a hard time figuring out how to vocalize everything going on in my head in a way that made sense. But tonight had to be different. We couldn't keep going the way we were. The best thing about Edward and I was our ability to communicate so easily with one another. Not having that with him this past week had become painful, and with everything else going on, it was becoming more than I could bear.

After getting dressed, I walked back to my bedroom and prepared myself for what I was about to do. I picked up the phone and dialed the number I had memorized.

"Bella?"

I smiled. Despite my heavy heart, his voice never failed to warm my spirit.

"Hi, Edward."

"What's going on? Your voice... it sounds more ... troubled tonight."

I let out a sigh and took a deep breath.

"I really need to talk to you."

Without giving me a chance to protest, Edward said, "I'll be right there" and hung up the phone.

I opened the window and got ready for Edward since it was too late for him to come in by way of the front door. I tried thinking how to say all the things that have been going on in my head lately, but before I had a chance to formulate my thoughts properly, Edward was there.

After greeting each other, I told him about the news Charlie dropped on me and how I felt like it was the very last thing I could possibly take.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't keep lying to everyone about _everything._ This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I just...I _can't_ keep doing this. And _this _isn't...well, it just isn't working..."

I waved my hand between us to demonstrate my point.

"Look at me."

I shook my head and looked even further away from him. I couldn't look at him. How could I tell him that I thought I needed to take a step back from all of this - including him - if I had to look into those beautiful honey colored eyes that I knew were so full of love?

"Bella, please. _Look _at me."

I softly shook my head as I trained my eyes on the floor. "I'm sorry, Edward...I love you. I love you for everything that you are and everything that you've done for me, and I'll never be able to repay you for saving my life, and I..."

He cut me off with an even more quieted voice than I was used to hearing from him. "I'm not asking you to, Bella."

"I know. You wouldn't. Ever." I let out a sigh and tried to regain some of the resolve I was now losing. "But that doesn't change the way I feel about all of this. I'm _losing _myself, Edward. And it really scares me."

His answer was barely above a whisper, "Bella, you've saved me too. Don't you realize that?"

I braved a glance in his direction. Everything about him was steadfast. Strong. Yet something about his face was remarkably vulnerable and soft. Despite everything I knew, he never seemed anything less than human to me.

I never wanted to hurt him. The thought of hurting him after everything he had done for me, everything he helped me through..._God, what was I doing to him?_ I knew it just didn't feel wrong, it _was _wrong. But I was incapable of lying to Edward. I knew he saw this coming, even without Alice's help. Edward knew me better than anyone and instead of pushing me to talk before I was ready, he quietly waited. Waited for me to decide on my own.

"Bella, if it will be easier for me to stay away -"

This time I cut _him _off. "What?"

"If this is too much for you, if you would rather...be with someone normal, I mean, so you wouldn't have to lie to everyone in your life..." His expression was unbearably dejected as he ran his fingers through his hair. It was heartbreaking to witness.

"No! That's not what I want. God, no, Edward! You're my best friend. I love your entire family and I'm not lying to them, so it isn't with _everyone_, it's just hard for me to lie to Charlie and Angela, and to tell people I'm a hero when I know I'm not. And I'm not saying I want you out of my life, I just need to take a break from all of this. It's just...I can't fully explore the option of _us_ with everything else going on right now. It's too much to work through..." I took two steps closer to him, only inches from his body. From this distance I should have been able to feel his body heat, but instead it was almost as if I was alone in a quiet room. He remained motionless. Just waiting for me. It seemed over the past few days that's all he was doing with me. Just waiting.

"Bella, what do you need from me?"

I looked up at him and took the final step toward him that would put me against his chest. I only had to say the words and I knew his arms would wrap themselves around me in one swift motion..._I only had to say the words..._

But he asked the magical question. That would be what I _wanted_ and not what I _needed._ What I needed was something entirely different. I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a tight hug.

"I need you to trust me to make the right decision. I need you to trust how I feel about you and know how much I love you. And I really need you to trust that I can figure out a way for me to be comfortable with all of this. Because I want to, Edward. I really want to."

He pulled my head to his chest and ran a cool hand up and down my back in a soothing rhythm.

"Bella, you already have my trust and you have my heart. I'm not quite sure I understand what else I can do to help, but whatever it is, I'll give you anything you need."

"I want to kiss you." The words blurted out before I had a chance to process what I was asking. Embarrassment on both of our parts seemed to instantly lighten up the conversation. Even amidst the awkwardness, we both found ourselves laughing.

"What I _meant_ was that there are still things I _want_ and I don't want you to think this is about being with you, because it isn't. Not at all. I just need to figure out how I can still be _me_ while being with _you_. I know that probably doesn't make any sense..." I shook my head and took one step back. The truth was that I really just needed some time on my own to process the events over the past few weeks.

Edward walked to the window and before disappearing into the cool night air, he turned to me and just as if he had read my mind, said, "Time is the one thing I have an infinite supply of, and it seems like maybe you really need that the most from me right now. So take as long as you need, Bella. I _will_ wait for you. _I'll wait for no one but you._"

He gave a confident _yet somehow sad _wink of the eye, and with those parting words that were ripped from one of my favorite romantic songs, he vanished.

…

**Saturday**

"Dad, I'm going out for a little while. I'll be back a little later." I yelled in no particular direction, not being sure if Charlie was in the bathroom yet or still in his room as I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

It was a perfect morning to stroll along the beach at La Push. It was a rare day in Forks where the sun was shining and it was surprisingly warm for a Spring morning.

I've never been a big fan of the water, growing up in Phoenix I never really had the chance to develop a love for the ocean. But I had to admit that the quiet beaches in La Push were a perfect place to think. I walked for a long time running my mind over everything that has happened since my Mom's death. I had only been friends with Edward for a few months, and already our history together was extraordinary. From the first time I saw him, thinking he hated me to the beautiful way he just seemed to know how to help me in every situation.

I let my mind wander as I walked, not paying particular attention to where I was heading until a noise that sounded like a dying cat came from somewhere up ahead. I looked up and noticed a form sprawled out on the beach. The closer I got the more the form started to take shape. I suddenly realized I was only a few yards from Jacob Black. Not knowing whether or not I should turn back or keep walking, I stood still for a few minutes debating while he lay with his eyes closed singing along to whatever he had plugged into his ears. Deciding I wasn't in the mood for company of any kind, I turned back and started walking in the direction I came.

"Bella?"

Crap.

I turned around and planted a smile on my face.

"Hey Jacob. I was going to say hi, but I didn't want to disturb you." I lied.

"Oh. Well, it's okay, I'm just listening to some music..."

Thinking of his rather awful singing voice, I had to ask "So what _are_ you listening to anyway?"

His smile was bright and wide as he replied, "What? You mean you didn't recognize it? Charlie brags to Billy all the time about how well cultured he thinks you are because of all the different types of music you listen to."

I had to laugh. "Charlie only thinks that because I happen to like his favorite, Johnny Cash."

"Huh. Well, it was Bob Marley. So what are you doing out here by yourself?" He sat up and dusted the sand off his back while he spoke.

"I could ask you the same thing."

He shrugged. "I'm just taking a break. I went out for a jog and wanted to catch my breath before heading home. I'm surprised _you're_ allowed here by yourself. The way Charlie tells it, the Cullens have been on you like white on rice."

My smile fell. "I wish I could say it was nice seeing you again Jacob, but you caught me on a day that I just don't feel like lying"

I turned to walk away, but before I could take more than a couple of steps Jacob called out to me.

"No, Bella wait. I'm sorry. Forget I said that."

I slowly turned back toward him. "Why do you do that? You know I'm friends with them. Do I say mean things about your Quileute friends?"

"You don't know any of them."

"Well you don't know the Cullens, either. You think you do, but believe me Jacob, you don't."

"I'm sorry Bella. It's just...I don't think you realize how easily you could get hurt..."

I stopped him before he said another word.

"Jacob, they have saved my _life_."

He chuckled half-heartedly. "The way I hear it, it's been _you_ saving everyone."

Something about the way he said it made me think he knew more than what we've been telling everyone. I decided to let it go for now.

"So what _is _it with the Cullen guy? I'm just curious why he has such a hold on you."

I smiled. For once Jacob actually sounded curious instead of malicious when asking about him.

"Do you really want to know, or are you just asking to butter me up?"

Jacob patted the patch of sand next to him. "I'm asking because I'd really like to know."

I sat down next to him and thought about the best way to explain.

"Edward is my best friend. When I came to Forks I had a lot I was trying to deal with and the grief was more than I could take. I was just going through the motions. But somehow Edward managed to make me feel human again and I found myself opening up to him in ways I wasn't able to with anyone else. He listened to me without judging. He could get a smile out of me when no one else could. He's been there for me whenever I need him the most, and to be blunt about it, he's saved my life, Jacob. Honest, and in more ways than I can even begin to count. I love him, I just.."

My voice trailed off as I realized what I was about to say.

"You just what?"

"Nothing, it's nothing. So there's your answer. That's why he has such a hold on me. Because he's my best friend and I love him."

"So, I'm guessing that you _know _then, right?"

"Know what?"

Did _he_ know? Some of the things he's said in the past made me think he did, and Edward didn't seem surprised by the comments I told him Jacob had made, but...how?

"Yea, I know. And I also know that you weren't the one who saved your two classmates."

So I was right. He did sound funny when he had made that comment. But _how_ did he know?

"How? How do you know that?"

"Bella, there is a history between our tribe and the Cullens. I won't go into it because it doesn't seem to matter anymore. The male leader, the Doctor, what's his name?"

"Carlisle."

"Yea, him. They had a meeting while you were in the hospital -"

"Who's 'they'?"

"The elders in the tribe. My Dad's one of them. I'm not supposed to know the extent of the conversation, but me and Seth overheard our Dads arguing about it afterward. Apparently the tribe decided to offer an extended truce to the Cullens that my Dad didn't want to go along with. They realized that the Cullens were the ones that saved you and the other two kids and that they actually took out three of their own kind." He let out a defeated sigh before continuing.

"I hate to admit it, but I have to agree with Harry. Based on what we've been taught about bloodsuckers, it's highly unusual for them to kill one of their own, especially just to save a few humans. The tribe felt they displayed acts of true respect for human life, and that made them rethink their position. My Dad seems to think they are still too dangerous to trust, but Harry and the others disagree. They've lifted the treaty so now the Cullens are allowed to come on our land, but the leader -"

"_Carlisle._"

"Yea, um, Carlisle. He thanked them but said members of his family would only cross into our land in emergency situations or when asked. Harry seemed to think he was trustworthy, but my Dad isn't convinced."

"You can trust them Jacob. Carlisle is one of the most compassionate and honest men I've ever met."

Jacob looked thoughtful for a minute before asking his next question.

"So how are you holding up? Speaking of honest people, being Charlie's daughter I would assume you would have a hard time taking credit for something you didn't do."

I gave a quiet, "You have no idea" reply before he continued.

"What are you going to do tonight? I heard you're getting a pretty big award from the city."

I let out a dark fit of laughter. "Care to kidnap me to give me an excuse for not going?"

"Oh no. I'm not kidnapping the town hero, are you crazy? Besides, it would only make it worse for you. Then you'd be the town hero that couldn't even accept her award because some psychotic Indian kid was jealous of your fame and held you hostage for ransom from the town that loves you so much. Man, you'd be a national celebrity overnight."

I laughed out loud at Jacob's scenario and somehow from there we fell into a much easier conversation. After telling him how hard I was finding all the unwarranted attention, and how difficult it was for me to lie to everyone, Jacob started asking questions again.

"So, you really love this bloo- mm, I mean, Edward. Right?"

"With all my heart, Jacob. I really do."

"And you know he loves you?"

A smile played on my lips. "Yea, I know he does."

"Well then, as much as it pains me to say it, let that be enough for now. I mean, look at my Dad. Hell, look at _your_ Dad. Finding someone to love isn't as easy as people make it sound. When you find someone you are willing to do what you are doing for, then hold onto that. Just make sure he would be willing to do the same thing for you."

I thought back to the painful moment watching Edward getting brutally ripped apart...for me.

"Believe me, Jacob, he would. He _has_. Someday you should try getting to know him. He's truly a remarkable person. If you gave him a chance, I think you'd really like him."

Jacob and I talked about school and other things before I had to get going. As I drove home, I thought about my conversation with Jacob. He was right, and I knew it all along. Sometimes you just needed someone on the outside to put things back in perspective. Edward was the most beautiful person - both inside and out - that I've ever met. And he _loved_ me. The more I thought about our history the angrier I grew at myself. He has done so much for me. And he has never once asked me to be anything other than myself. How could I think that he would even _let_ me lose myself if our friendship grew into an even stronger relationship?

As I pulled into the driveway, I made my decision. I would smile and say all the right things tonight, and accept the award with a gracious attitude. I would play the part I was cast and I would do it for him. I would do it for all of them. Because they saved my life and it was time I at least attempted to repay them by committing to protect theirs.

**Chapter End Notes:**

See, I don't hate Jacob. :)

Redemption Song is by Bob Marley, and I thought it fit well with not just Jacob's part but the title works well with Bella as well. And the song that Edward referenced as he went out Bella's window was "Lover Lay Down" by Dave Matthews Band. I'm a fan of DMB, and soon enough you'll see why I've woven so many songs of theirs in this storyline.

This is the last appearance Jacob will make in LC. I originally had this chapter planned to dedicate to Alice for her to impart her infinite wisdom on Bella, but I felt Jacob needed to redeem himself and this bit of advice coming from him would have more of an impact on Bella.

Let me know what you think! And thank you so much to all who have reviewed!


	19. Just Breathe

**CHAPTER 19: Just Breathe**

"Hey you."

I hadn't stopped smiling since leaving the beach, but Edward's voice made my smile spread even wider.

"I missed you."

Edward's melodic chuckle floated through the telephone and teased my ear.

"Bella, you said you wanted time. I expected you to need more than a night's worth."

"I was wrong. I don't need time, Edward. I just needed a moment...a moment of clarity."

"And you found it?"

"I did."

"So what does that mean, I mean...for us?"

Edward's voice was calm, he didn't sound worried when asking me that all important question, but I could hear the slight hesitation and knew he was trying to not sound too confident. I was pretty sure Alice had already assured him of what the outcome of our conversation would be, but just in case, I took a deep breath and gushed out an answer as quickly as I could to ease his concern.

"Edward, I love you. I don't have all the answers yet. I don't know how we can really make this work, given the circumstances. But I want to try. I want to try because I can't imagine not sharing everything with you. Just hearing your voice lights up everything inside of me. I was stupid to say those things to you. I know you would never let me lose myself, Edward, and I..."

"Bella, stop. Just breathe."

I let out my own exhaled giggle as I realized how fast I just rambled my slightly practiced spiel.

"I know. Sorry for the speech. I just, I really couldn't wait to talk to you once I came to my senses."

"Bella, that little speech was music to my ears, so please don't apologize. And I love you too."

No matter how often I had heard those three little words over the past few weeks, hearing them again never failed to make my body break out in a full blown blush.

"Hey, speaking of speeches, have you decided what you're going to say tonight?"

"No. I haven't really given it much thought, to be honest. I was hoping I wouldn't even have to speak, but my Dad assured me they'll be expecting to at least get something out of me. Any ideas?"

I fell backwards and sunk into my pillows as I waited for Edward to come up with something.

"Hmmm. Well, I know you don't want to talk specifically about the events that night, it's probably better that you don't anyway. But Bella, don't be so quick to think you are speaking fraudulently, no matter what you decide to say. I know you think your actions would have gotten all three of you killed that night had it not been for us showing up, but if you didn't make the brave decision to go after them that night, I can promise you that Ben would be dead. We would have never gotten to him in time, and that's a fact."

"Yes, but Edward, that's not heroic. Charging into a situation that can be viewed as nothing more than a suicide mission is hardly being heroic when you have no prayer of saving the very person you're sacrificing yourself for. Not to mention I was sacrificing Angela without her getting a say in the matter."

"And you don't see any heroism in that at all? Bella, take firefighters for example. Sometimes they are faced with harrowing situations and they choose to forge ahead, knowing all the while they very well may be sacrificing their own life to save another. Police officers are no different. Do you think your Dad would have just turned his car around if he saw two criminals with guns aimed at an innocent high school kid? Even if your Dad was off duty and not armed, do you think he would have just quietly turned around, pretending he didn't see anything just because the situation seemed hopeless?

And for the record, if you had time to ask her, I'm quite sure Angela would have told you to do what you could to save Ben that night."

I took a deep breath. Edward was right. And he was brilliant.

"Edward, you're a genius, I know what I'm going to say. And you're right, about everything. But I have to get going, I need to get ready for this thing tonight. Are you guys going to be there?"

"Well, if you mean "guys" as in the entire Cullen clan, then yes, we're all coming. I imagine the entire town will come out for this. That's why they decided to hold the ceremony in the gym."

"Right. The whole town. No pressure or anything."

I let out a lighthearted sigh as I said a temporary good bye, then hung up the phone and got ready for the night.

…

"Citizens, friends, and family - welcome! Tonight is a night for recognition. It is a night to celebrate courage. A night to honor the brave. As Mayor of Forks, I consider it quite the honor myself to be standing before you to celebrate a young lady just as extraordinary as her story."

I tuned out the rest of the introduction. Mayor Richardson's speech lasted for another five minutes or so before he invited Ben and Angela to the stage. They recounted as much as they could and I was proud of both of them for not embellishing the story by getting carried away with details they couldn't possibly remember. Since neither had many memories to tell, they both chose to focus on extending their never ending gratitude toward me.

As soon as Angela and Ben left the stage, Mayor Richardson went back to the podium and began the official introduction of the award. He motioned for me to join him at the front of the stage.

I slowly got up out of my chair and walked over to the podium. As the Mayor handed me the award, the audience started clapping and he motioned me toward the audience, indicating it was time for me to share a few words.

I took a deep breath before closing the gap between me and the microphone, and quickly got to the point I had been rehearsing in my head since the afternoon.

"Good evening. Um, I just want to thank everyone for coming out - and I want to, uh, make, I mean I'd like to _take _this opportunity to recognize who the true heroes are in this room.

This was a one time event, and I just reacted the way I think anyone would have in the same situation, and to me, that's not what it means to be a hero. I think a hero is someone who knows of the dangers in the world and chooses to face them on a daily basis without hesitation or complaint. Firefighters, military men and women, and of course, police officers to name a few - these are the people we should be standing up recognizing and giving thanks to, but instead we have a tendency to take them for granted. So, thank you, Mayor Richardson for the honor, but I will only accept this award on behalf of those who risk their lives everyday to make us safe. Thank you."

I quickly walked back to my seat anxious for the ceremony to be over so I could meet up with Edward.

"You did great."

Edward snagged my hand and pulled me toward him in a tight hug. I caught up to my Dad and told him I would see him at home later on and then quickly dashed out of the gym with Edward before the crowd had a chance to develop.

"Thank you!"

Wrapping his left arm around my shoulders while he led me to his car, confusion laced his response.

"For what?"

I smiled. _For everything._

"For helping me escape so quickly, of course. So, where are we escaping to?"

Edward's lips turned up into a beautiful crescent shape.

"I thought I'd leave it up to you. Where do you feel like going?"

"Hmmm. Ya' know, to be honest, I'd be happy going anywhere I can just close my eyes for a minute. Today was such an exhausting day."

I slid into the passenger seat of Edward's car and before I could blink, he was behind the wheel and revving the engine.

"Say no more. I know just the place."

Riding in the car with Edward felt incredibly _easy_. The strain that had weighed our relationship down over the last few weeks had miraculously been lifted. Being with Edward felt as natural as ever, and I finally felt like we were at a point where we could just _breathe._

Paying more attention to Edward than where he was taking me, I was a little surprised when I suddenly realized he was pulling into my driveway.

"Why did you take me home?"

I tried to sound less disappointed than I felt, but I should have known my effort would be wasted.

"Bella, as cute as I find that pout, it's completely unnecessary. You're exhausted and you've had a really long day. I just thought your bed would be the most comfortable place for you to rest for awhile. Besides, if you're up to it, I have something planned for us tomorrow that will require you to have plenty of energy. So tonight, we rest."

He gave a quick wink before jumping out of the car and opening my door.

I couldn't really argue. I _was_ exhausted, and I did tell him I wanted to rest my eyes for a bit. But I also really wanted to spend time with him. I wasn't ready to say good-bye, even if it was just for the night. But he did say _we_ rest, and I knew that wasn't exactly something Edward did.

"Okay - fair enough. But, will you stay with me tonight? I just, I know I'd rest a lot better knowing you were next to me."

His smile that I could never get enough of appeared instantly.

"Of course, Bella."

And before I had a chance to take a breath, his forehead was pressing against mine.

"And, to be honest, I was hoping you'd want me to stay. I wasn't ready to say good night just yet, Bella."

"What about Charlie?"

Edward's laughter vibrated through his body and rippled through mine in waves as we headed up to my room.

"Bella, I think I can hear your Dad coming in plenty of time to disappear."

"Well, what if I don't want you to disappear?"

"I'll only be gone as long as needed. I promise to not disappear for long."

Edward stretched out on the bed and patted the spot next to him, silently asking me to join him. I curled up next to him and settled my head comfortably on his chest and draped my arm loosely across his abdomen.

"Will you sing to me?"

"What do you want me to sing?"

"Anything. You pick."

He started humming a melody without singing any words, but I didn't recognize the tune.

I tilted my face so I could look up at him.

"What song is that?"

He smiled and continued humming without responding for a minute or so.

"Bella's lullaby."

I had just started drifting off when I heard Edward's sweet whisper. _Bella's lullaby_. A smile played on my lips as I continued listening. Lying on Edward's chest, his humming felt like a soft purr as I drifted off to sleep.

...

_Bella. Bella, wake up._

Edward's sweet voice was a welcome stir from my slumber. But I wasn't sure if it was real or a dream.

"Bella, please, I need you to wake up. I _need_ you..."

Edward's desperation was unmistakable, waking me quickly. I blinked my eyes open and found him hovering over me, staring intently.

I shook off a yawn as concern trumped sleepiness.

"Edward, what is it?"

"Shhhh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just -"

He brushed my hair back from my face, holding himself over me by his elbows and explained as best as he could.

"I've been laying here all night watching you sleep, fascinated by your soft murmuring, which is also quite entertaining by the way."

I tried to suppress the embarrassment as he chuckled, wondering just how much I talked in my sleep and what I said that was so _entertaining_. Edward continued in an even softer voice.

"But, I kept wondering what it would feel like, to ..."

He traced a finger over my lips, his eyes showing his deep concentration over vocalizing his thoughts.

"I just, I'm sorry for waking you. But I'm pretty sure if I wait any longer to do this, I'll simply go insane."

I felt a surge of self-conscious panic as I realized that Edward was about to kiss me before I had a chance to even wash my face, and even worse, brush my teeth. But as soon as he tilted his head, all thoughts escaped as I waited in anticipation, closing my eyes as he lowered his head ever so slowly.

For an agonizing moment, I wondered if his lips were ever going to actually reach mine. I felt his cool thumb skim across my cheek, then down to my mouth where he gently ran his thumb between my top and bottom lips, parting them slightly. I could smell and taste his breath mingling with mine and felt frozen in anticipation until the first shock of his smooth lips meeting mine went through my body. I felt more than heard him moan at the contact, leaving fluttering vibrations on my lips that somehow managed to reach my toes. I pulled his lower lip between mine, sucking softly as I felt his tongue glide across my top lip. I exhaled into him, no longer self-conscious of morning breath, and pulled my left hand up to his head, raking it through his hair, causing him to moan again. This moan was deeper, originating from his core that sent pulsating shocks straight to my heart. My lungs felt like they were constricting on me, but I didn't care because _air_ wasn't what I needed, I needed more of Edward. I felt my body break out into a full flush as I grasped a fistful of hair and let my right hand roam across his arms, down his back, touching anywhere and everywhere I could. Our tongues finally met, the taste and feel of his tongue dancing with mine sent more shivers down to my core. The need to touch more of him, skin to skin, felt critical to the point of my body exploding without it. I reached down to the bottom of his shirt and tugged it out of his jeans, pulling it quickly up so I could slide my hand up and down his bare back. Heat was pouring from each pocket of my body. After another moan - I couldn't be sure this time if it came from me or Edward - and suddenly Edward was gone.

I opened my eyes to find him pacing the room before crawling back onto the bed next to me. His eyes were squeezed shut and his lips were pursed for a long moment before he whispered a raspy, "I'm sorry."

I reached up and gently touched his cheek. He looked as tortured as I felt, and I knew behind those closed eyes he was retreating and forcing the enjoyment out of the moment. I refused to let him do that.

"Edward, look at me."

His eyes slowly opened, and the honey color of his eyes only added to the sweetness of his sincere gaze.

"Edward, you have nothing to apologize for. If anything, it's me that should be sorry -"

Before he had a chance to interrupt me, like I knew he was itching to do, I continued quickly.

"But I'm not." I smiled and then began laughing playfully as I finally let it sink in what just happened.

"Edward, my god, I don't have much experience in this department, but for me, that was the most wonderful thing I've ever felt. And maybe it was so..uh _intense_ because I've been waiting for that for longer than I thought. I think I've wanted to do that from the moment I met you. All I know is that it took entirely too long for us to get here and all of that build up had to boil over at some point. So, I'm not letting you be sorry, because I'm not..

Besides, how you can be sorry about this?"

I slid my hand from his face to the back of his head and gently pulled him closer to me, pausing for just a second before I pressed my lips against his. I felt his smile form against my mouth as he pulled back slightly to press his forehead against mine.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

The sweet sadness of his voice invaded the moment and in that instant I realized just how much patience it was going to take to expel every last reservation Edward harbored about our relationship. But he was entirely too important to me to not try. Besides, it was going to take some patience for me to get over some reservations of my own.

"So, what are we doing today? You said it required energy."

With that simple question, his smile and voice reverted to a happier more playful tone as he answered.

"Nothing if you don't get a move on. How long does a human take to get ready in the morning, anyway?"

I feigned insult as I tried pushing him away from me.

"Well, that depends on how many distractions said human is faced with in the morning."

"We're going somewhere special. I've taken you there before, but, this time I have something I want to show you. We probably need to get going in about thirty minutes if possible, for it to have the effect needed."

"Hmmm. Do you have any idea how cryptic you're being so early in the morning?"

He wanted to show me something, so that's what today was about. I grabbed some clothes from my dresser and ran to the bathroom, not wanting to wait a second longer to let Edward show me whatever it was he wanted me to see.

I called out quickly over my shoulder, "Gimme twenty minutes!"

"Edward, _this _is where you wanted to take me?"

I looked around at the familiar scene. The place was unsurprisingly a source of pain for me. Not only was it the first place we saw the _others_ but it was the place we went on the very night that Edward pulled away from me, and really _hurt_ me.

"Bella, I know this place has difficult memories tied to it. But that's why I needed to bring you here. It's one of my favorite places to go, and I don't want that night to be the last memory I have of it. It breaks my heart to think this place left a bad taste in your mouth, and mine. Because it cheapens the memory of that day in the meadow. It was first in this place when I realized just how important you truly were to me. But it was also here that I told you that I was scared that I wanted too much and not enough at the same time. And I really want to explain what I meant by that, but you need to know everything about me first. It's the only way you'll really be able to understand."

I took in every word. I remembered him speaking so fondly of the meadow. It had been one of his favorite places to visit and I remember thinking how magical it all seemed when I first saw it. I tried to hold onto those early memories as we started the trek through the woods.

"So, out of curiosity... why aren't we taking the _lightning leg express _up this mountainside?"

"I told you that you would need plenty of energy for today, didn't I?"

He wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me over a fallen log.

"But the real reason is because I want you to be able to find this place on your own if you ever want to. I don't want you to think you can't ever come here without me."

The way he said that last sentence had me worried. There was something in his tone that wasn't sitting right with me.

"Edward, why would I ever have to come here without you?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to make it sound that way. You wouldn't unless you wanted to come here by yourself. I think I'll be able to explain better when we get there."

And with that, we silently hiked for what felt like an eternity, before finally reaching the clearing.

I had to admit, it was even more beautiful than what I remembered.

I grabbed Edward's hand and took off through the lush grass, picking a spot before dropping suddenly, pulling Edward down with me.

"Okay, so what do you have to show me?"

"Patience, Bella! Patience..."

He rolled onto his back and looked up at the sky. Reaching for my hand, he calmly said, "any minute now."

Following Edward's lead, I looked up too, wondering when and what I was supposed to see until a break in the clouds exposed a very bright and warm sun. I closed my eyes and tried to mentally soak in every ounce of heat I could, knowing it would be awhile before I'd get another chance.

"Bella, look at me."

I turned my head and opened my eyes, immediately assaulted by the bright light of the sun. I blinked my eyes open, seeing green spots everywhere, and then closed my eyes again for a second to try and adjust.

"I'm sorry, it's just the sun is really bright, I should have brought some sunglasses..."

"Bella, it's not the sun, at least, it's not _only _the sun. Open your eyes."

I opened them again, this time looking down at the grass until my eyes adjusted to the brightness around us. His hand got my attention first. It looked like a clear crystal prism you would hang in a window, with beautiful bright colors dancing through the room as the sunlight passed through each facet. It was fascinating and beautiful, but at the same time, completely alarming. The compelling need to touch his hand overcame me and I wondered if his skin would feel hot to the touch since it looked like his hand could burst into flame at any moment. As I gently ran my fingers over the back of his hand, I was surprised and relieved that they felt exactly the same as they always did, cool and smooth as ever. I took a deep breath, comforted that he didn't seem to be bursting into flame, though from a distance I wondered if that wasn't exactly what he would look like.

I took another deep breath before looking up at his face. Edward's eyes were closed and his lips were set in a straight line. I could see the worry etched on his features and knew he was trying to give me time to react without his audience, and probably steeling himself for what that reaction would be.

He was _beautiful._ Okay, I admit, if he was a normal human being and I saw him walking down the street like this, I would stop and wonder what science fiction movie I just stepped on the set of. But, this was Edward. I was finally seeing him, _all_ of him, and it only made him more beautiful to me. It wasn't the rainbow of lights radiating from his skin that intensified his beauty, but the infinite amount of trust he granted me, just by allowing me to see him like this.

I traced my finger gently over each eyelid, before leaning over and kissing them softly. I whispered a soft _I love you_ before bringing my lips across his, sweetly murmuring more _I love you's_ into his mouth until he finally opened his eyes, looked straight into mine, and kissed me back.


	20. Alive

**CHAPTER 20: Alive**

Edward's kiss was sweet and full of emotion. I could feel and almost taste the overwhelming relief flooding into him, forcing all the anxiety and tension he was harboring out of his system.

I broke the kiss and looked at him, _really_ looked at him.

"Edward, were you really that worried about showing me?"

I guess I understood why he would be, but my god, didn't he realize that if the vampire aspect of him wasn't going to scare me away, then nothing would?

"Yes." A simple answer with complicated undertones.

"But_...why?_"

The more I thought about it, the less I understood. Did he think his skin in the sunlight would shatter my delusion of his normalcy? Again, I would have thought it would have donned on him that my knowing he was a vampire already changed my perception of what _normal_ was.

He took a deep breath, before uttering words that stunned me.

"I guess I just knew it was the last chance at you coming to your senses and running far away from me. And despite knowing that _that_ reaction would be the best thing for you, I wasn't ready to face that possibility..."

I couldn't let him finish.

"I don't know what hurts worse. That you think so little of my love for you that I would be capable of running at this point or that somehow now you are ready for that possibility."

I pulled at my hand that was enveloped in his, but he held on tight, not letting me go.

"_Bella..._"

A softly whispered plea as he pulled my hand to his mouth, tickling the inside of my wrist with a light kiss. With his nose pressed against my pulse point, he pulled in a long deep breath.

"Bella, I'm not ready for that possibility. Can you do me a favor? Can you let me explain something to you, that I've wanted to explain since the first time I brought you here?"

I simply nodded, eager for him to continue.

Before speaking again, he smiled at me - a smile filled with warmth and love that lifted all doubts his words had placed on us.

"Bella, I'm sorry for seeming to always start conversations the wrong way. I brought you here to give this place a better memory and I guess I'm not doing a very good job of that yet."

I placed my free hand over his mouth to stop him briefly.

"Edward, I want to give you time to explain without interrupting, but I need to say something first. You've already done a good job of changing my memory of this place. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you trust me enough to show me _all_ of you. This place felt magical before, but now it's even more magical because of you. And, maybe when I told you I loved you before, it didn't mean as much as it will when I say it now. Because now I know _all_ of you, and I _do_ love you, Edward. And, I'm not going anywhere. So before you say anything else, just trust that. Trust _my love_ as much as you trust _me._ Promise?"

He studied me for a minute before his smile opened wide, showing his bright white teeth. Draping his arm over my shoulder, he pulled me back toward him, reclining backwards until we were lying back on the grass, curled in next to each other soaking in the warmth from the sun.

"I promise, Bella. I do trust you, I _do_. Remember how I told you I was afraid that I would want too much and not enough at the same time? Well, I said that before you found out what I was. I was afraid that I would want you to know the real me so much that I would tell you everything and would lose you as a result. And then I worried that I would want you too much, would want to not _lose_ you so much...that keeping you alive, _human_ would somehow become less of a priority."

I listened intently, not quite understanding what he meant by that, but not wanting to interrupt again to ask.

"I wondered if maybe it would be better for you to find out, then maybe it wouldn't be up to me anymore...that maybe you would decide for yourself it would be safer for you to keep your distance. After you found out about me and still wanted to be around me, _with_ me...I knew that maybe it wasn't about just knowing I was different, not human, but _seeing_ it that would be the final straw. And the idea of losing you that way, after almost losing you because of _them_, I just...decided I couldn't risk it..until now."

He played with my hair, running his smooth fingers through the strands, delicately sending tingles down my spine as he continued.

"When you called and told me that you loved me yesterday, I could feel all of your reservations dissolving over the phone and I knew it was time for me to do the same. I knew I could trust you, Bella, I guess I was just delaying the conversation I knew we'd need to have once I opened up completely."

I understood what Edward meant by the way I told him I loved him. I had said it before, but once I came to the conclusion that I did, knowing I wanted to really make us _work_ despite all the complications, there was a resolve in the way I vocalized my love that hadn't been there before. Sure, I knew I could exist without him, but I didn't want to live without him, and although I still wasn't sure _how _it could work, I didn't care. I needed him.

"Bella, have you thought about the future..._your _future? What...what do you see? What is your life like?"

He drew his hand through my hair one last time before sliding it up my arm, then lightly tracing a line across my collar bone until he reached the center of my neck. Slowly, like a feather he let his fingers float down to my sternum where he stilled his palm, resting in the place he could feel my heartbeat the strongest.

"Bella?"

His smile turned into a slightly lopsided smirk as he reminded me of his questions.

"My life? Right..um..."

I took a deep breath. I tried to think of an answer for him. But...it was hard to tell him about the things I dreamed. The funny thing was that I dreamed of the future all the time now. But before I met Edward the only future I thought about was getting through the next five minutes. And before my Mom, well...the future just consisted of going out in the world and being on my own. I didn't really care what I did or where I went. I truthfully had never thought about it much, until now. I shook my head as I realized the irony of it. Edward, who felt he was essentially dead was the one person who managed to bring me back to life. I thought about the future, _my_ future, because of him. And I _always _saw him in it.

"The future I see? The one I dream about, you're always there with me."

"You dream about me? What are we doing in your dreams?"

Although it wasn't exactly what I was trying to tell him, and I knew it wasn't what he meant, his words played on my thoughts and I took them in an entirely different direction. I couldn't help the blush from spreading across my cheeks and down my neck where I'm sure it reached his hand. He mumbled a low, "oh" before clearing his throat. The right corner of his mouth tugged upward and he shot me another crooked half smile.

I playfully smacked him in the chest. "That's _not_ what I meant, -"

"So, you _don't_ dream of me that way?"

"Edward, I ...I ..well, of course...but..."

He chuckled at my stammering. I let out an exasperated sigh before forcing my thoughts to return to his original question.

"We do different things each time. Sometimes we're traveling, sometimes we're in college together, sometimes we're just _together_- I'm curled up next to you reading a book, or sitting next to you while you play the piano. But we're always together and we're always happy."

"And that's all you dream about? Being with me? What about your life? Do you dream about having a family? What about a career?"

_Where was all of this coming from?_Knowing there had to be a reason for his curiosity, and figuring an explanation would come once he got the answers he was waiting for, I told him everything.

"My life is content, I guess. I don't ever think about having a family, kids...if that's what you mean. I don't, uh I don't really...hmmm this is probably going to sound selfish or something, but I think by the age of eleven I pretty much decided I never wanted to have, I mean, do the whole baby thing, you kno-" I stopped short as realization hit me.

"Wait, do _you _want kids?"

What if _Edward_ wanted to have kids and I just told him I didn't ever want that? _Shit._But, could he even ... ?

A mixture of confusion and concern must have flashed across my face because Edward seemed to know exactly what I was wondering.

"Bella, I've never allowed myself to think about it, there would be no point."

Right. I remembered now back to my conversation with Rosalie in the hospital. That was the one thing she always wanted but said she could never have now. _How could I have forgotten that?_

"I'm sorry, Edward. To answer you, truthfully, I just never saw myself having kids. After taking care of my Mom for so long, I just figured when I was old enough to move out I'd have a couple of decades of freedom before I'd have to go back to taking care of her again. So kids weren't really in the plan, ya' know? I never thought that..."

My voice trailed off..._I never thought that taking care of her in old age could never even be an option. _It saddened me to think at one time I thought taking care of her was a burden. Something a child shouldn't have to do with their parent until at least the parent was too old to take care of themselves. I would give anything for the chance to take care of her now, no matter what her age.

I fought back tears at thinking of her. It never seemed to get easier. Her absence was still such a weight on my very core, and I couldn't imagine a time when it wouldn't be. I reached across my chest to find Edward's hand, pulling it up to my cheek and holding his cool palm against my face as I squeezed my eyes shut. His delicate touch always managed to bring me comfort. Without him, I felt sure the pressure pushing down on every ounce of my being would crush me until there was nothing left.

He stroked my cheek with his thumb. "Bella, I'm sorry if -"

I shook my head, but didn't open my eyes just yet.

"No, don't. Please. You have nothing to be sorry about. I just...give it a minute, it'll pass."

I strained against the memories. It had become easier to block them out in recent months, and I wasn't sure if that was something to be relieved or devastated about.

"Bella, maybe you should talk about her. Instead of trying to forget..."

I opened my eyes to look at him. Concern was etched deep in the lines of his beautiful face.

"No, I can't, I can't talk about her yet. I just, _can't_. It hurts too much. And I'm not trying to forget, if only that were even possible. It's not that I even want to forget her, of course I don't, and I want to talk about her, to let her _live_ through memories and stories...but...I just...it just hurts_ so_ much. I just can't yet."

Edward's lips skimmed across my forehead, then he laid back, tilting his head so mine rested comfortably at the nape of his neck.

Pushing the pain aside and regaining my composure, I changed the subject back to the questions at hand.

"So...kids, that whole thing, no, I don't dream about that. Ever."

It occurred to me that at least it was a choice for me. With Edward, like Rosalie, there was no choice. I silently wondered if that affected him at all, or if being changed at seventeen prevented him from really wanting that kind of thing in the first place.

"And career, huh? I don't know exactly. I guess I've imagined myself mostly doing work that revolved around books - big surprise there. Maybe as an editor, or even, if I were brave enough, a writer. But, honestly, it wouldn't matter as long as I was happy."

I paused, taking a breath before asking him similar questions.

"What about you? Does it bother you, I mean, I know with Rosalie, the circumstance is upsetting to her, but is it the same with you? I mean, about kids?"

He didn't respond right away. The way we were laying with each other left me without a view of his face, so I wasn't entirely sure what his reaction to the question was. But his body didn't tense at my words, and I assumed that was a good sign.

"In the century that I've existed, it never occurred to me to even think about it. I don't know if that's a result of what I am, or my body's age. But I did start wondering what it would be like for _you_ to have kids. I imagined you having a little girl with chestnut colored locks down her little back and big chocolate eyes full of expression and wonder. I _did_ imagine you once with a little copper haired boy, but I'm not sure why I ever thought about it. It's not possible for me to be a father, and maybe that was my way of imagining my own children, since it would be possible for you to have kids of your own...with someone else, of course."

The thought of having kids with anyone but Edward made me shudder.

"Bella, are you cold? The sun is moving behind some clouds, do you need me to get you a jacket?"

I smiled and tightened my arm that was across his abdomen.

"I don't want you to go anywhere. And I'm not cold. I just, I couldn't imagine having kids with anyone else. When you talk about the possibility, it makes me think that I wouldn't have minded having them with _you_. But, Edward - that's not something I _need _in order to be happy in life. I just want to make sure you know that."

His fingers resumed combing through my hair as we comfortably lay next to each other. I thought about another question I had been wanting to ask for awhile now.

"Edward, what about you? I mean, do you think about having a career? Carlisle does. You guys have to move often because of your lack of aging anyway, why are you always in High School? Why not go to college and do something like Carlisle?"

My arm vibrated as his quiet laughter rocked his stomach.

"Bella, I _have_ gone to college. In my hundred plus years, you think I've only gone through high school biology, what? Thirty times or so? We start off in high school because we can stay somewhere longer that way. But I have been through college - many of them actually. I've audited classes at Harvard, Yale, MIT, among others and I have various degrees from quite a few colleges actually. But, I'm not strong enough to be a doctor like Carlisle, I still to this day don't understand how he can stand the blood so easily. And the only other thing I've really cared enough about to _do_ is music. But I can't draw attention to myself, especially the kind of attention that musicians get. Publicity is very bad for us, Bella."

I could understand that. He wouldn't want a record of an Edward Cullen that looked like him being out there to the masses, otherwise, what would be the point in moving every so often to hide from suspicion? And as memorable as Edward's appearance is, I doubted changing his name would offer any kind of real cover.

"What about being a music teacher in high school? I could see you doing that. Or in college, teaching just night classes? Or just playing music in various bars or clubs across the U.S., not drawing attention to yourself? Or just to be able to play and have people listen, going to open mike nights or playing guitar in a dark subway. It's not like you need the money - you should do something that makes you happy though."

Saying it out loud made me realize that maybe _that's_ why Carlisle seemed much more at peace with what he was. He was actually _doing_ something. His profession was always changing, they were always coming out with new procedures, new medicines. But how much did high school Science and English really change in a hundred years? Maybe a little, but _god_, wasn't that incredibly boring? To live your life in repeat for decades upon decades?

Edward answered, with what sounded like a fair amount of surprise in his voice.

"I never really thought about that. And you are absolutely right, I don't need the money. I _could_ go from place to place, performing in various venues. But, I can't expect my family to pick up and become drifters, and I imagine that lifestyle would get incredibly lonely after awhile, with no one with me to share the experience with. Teaching, especially adults at night - I _could_ see myself doing something like that."

I smiled at the sudden optimism in his voice.

"Well why not start as a private tutor? _I've _always wanted to know how to play piano..."

He breathed out a sincere _anytime_ as he pulled me in tighter to him.

"So, can you tell me what all of this was about? What these questions were supposed to provide answers to?"

Hesitant, the hand that wasn't playing with my hair found my hand resting on his stomach and laced his fingers with mine.

"It was about figuring out a way to make us work. I didn't want your being with me to prevent you from having the things in life that you want. I know there may come a day when you no longer want me, want someone normal, _human_, but until that day comes, I don't want to keep you from living your life and being happy. I needed to make sure that being with me wouldn't prevent you from living your life the way you imagined it."

I forced back tears as I thought about him not being in my life someday.

"Edward, how can you say that? How can you think that one day I might not want you? I will _always_ want you."

"Bella, you're only seventeen. You say that with all the conviction you possess _right now. _But, what about in five years? Ten? How could you possibly know what you will feel in the future?"

_Because I just knew._

"Edward I would have thought by now you realized I'm not like most teenagers. I've felt more like a grown up than a kid since the age of ten, and losing a parent ages you beyond your years whether you want it to or not, so please don't assume I'm just a fickle lust-crazed teenager that will get _over_ you in a few years. Don't you understand my feelings for you at all? You give me _life_ Edward. Before you, I never thought about the future because I never thought I'd make it that long. My chest always burned, my lungs always felt constricted. I was suffocating in this world and I thought for sure I would stroke out or have a heart attack before my eighteenth birthday. That might seem overly dramatic, but I assure you, it felt as real and painful as ever. I actually _laughed_ for the first time since moving to Forks with _you._ You breathed air back into my life, filling my lungs and expanding my chest to where I actually felt like I _could_ dream about a future. Don't you get that you are the reason I feel so _alive_? How many different ways do I have to say it to make you understand?"

How many times _did_ I have to say it? When I first found out what Edward was I had a similar conversation with him, and back then, just like today, I knew he didn't completely believe me.

"I guess I should understand. You do the same thing for me."

"Then why would you ever think I would want to be apart from you? I couldn't stand knowing I took that feeling away from you, and I definitely don't want to take that feeling away from me. Besides, all that being said, I _love_ you, Edward. With my entire heart, soul, my very being. I love you and I _know_ I always will. I just know."

"I love you too, Bella. But someday whether we want it to end that way or not, you will be apart from me. And I just don't know how I can exist without you now that I know what it's like to have you in my life."

I didn't want to think about him walking this earth without me. I trusted him and his love enough to know he at least felt the same way about me as I did him, and I knew that finding someone new to love wouldn't be as easy for him as I hoped it would be once I was gone. I couldn't stomach the idea of the devastation he would feel at my loss...because I knew how _I_ would feel if I had to suffer through _his_ loss. It just wasn't fair. But..._fair_ was a word that always found a way to mock me.

"So what did you mean? When you talked about wanting too much and not enough, and worrying that my being human would become less of a priority? Can you explain what you meant now?"

I knew he was at the point he needed to be to tell me, but I could also tell that this conversation he knew we needed to have was something he was trying to push off having.

"Bella, don't be afraid of what I'm going to say. I would _never_ hurt you, and I will do everything in my power to never let anyone else hurt you ever again. I need you to know that."

"I do, Edward. Of course I know that."

He took a deep breath.

"I never planned on having this conversation with you, especially not so soon. But, it doesn't look like I have much of a choice if I want to make sure you don't hear this from someone else first.

Bella, a part of me wondered, almost fantasized, what it would be like to never have to lose you. To have you in my life forever...never needing to know what it's like to exist without you ever again..."

I didn't get it right away until the conversation I had with Rosalie came back to me, finally making sense. She was warning me because she thought I would want to become like her, like Edward. _Complications_ ran deeper than just figuring out how to make a relationship work with a vampire, _complications _included making the decision to become one. Why didn't I see that sooner?

"So, you mean, you've thought about me, becoming, well being like you, then?"

"It's what I worry about. That my need to have you in my life would somehow bend my will enough to even think about taking your life from you in the most vile and violent way. But I could never do that to you, Bella. So please don't fear that I will. I didn't even want to bring it up, but Alice has been trying to think of ways to talk to you about that very possibility for a few weeks, and I've managed to stop her at every attempt. But Alice is clever and she'll figure out a way to get around me, so I had to make sure I talked about it with you first."

I felt his Adam's apple bob beneath my temple as he swallowed nervously.

"Why? What would Alice have said that would make you feel that way? And I'm not afraid of you, Edward. I've told you that before."

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes at him. Sometimes he said the most ridiculous things.

"She knows about Rosalie's conversation in the hospital. She was upset she couldn't be there to counter what Rose said. See, Alice actually enjoys our life. She feels incredibly lucky to have found us the way she did and to have found Jasper. She couldn't imagine a world where he didn't exist and where she didn't exist with him, so being a vampire isn't really a problem for her. But, Alice doesn't remember what it was like to be human. I'm sure she'll want to tell you all of this, so I'll let her tell you some things, but I didn't want her to convince you that you should give up your life, your humanity, to become like us. I know Alice, she'll make it sound glamorous, and it scares me that you'll make a decision based on what she tells you."

_I would make a decision? Implying I had a choice..._One of the things Edward loved most about me was that I was human. I wasn't ready to take away any of the reasons he loved me, even if I knew deep down it shouldn't matter.

"Edward, right now suffering from excruciating pain isn't exactly on my top agenda, if that's what you're afraid of. I remember how you described it, and I can't imagine anyone finding that glamorous, even Alice. But just because I'm not ready to make that kind of decision right now doesn't mean I won't be ready someday. I know there are things to consider. As a human my life is fragile, precious in its brevity. I _will_ die someday, there is no question in that. And if nothing else takes me before that, I will grow old while you stay young. When we walk hand in hand down the street, you'll look like a sweet and sincere grandchild escorting his grandmother safely through the town. We'll have to hide all affection for one another from public view, and at some point, I'll probably even have to pretend to be your Aunt, or some other relative for it to even be socially acceptable for us to live together, to _be_ together behind closed doors. I can't imagine what that's going to be like, but I know we'll figure out a way through it, _together_. I know there are complications, but I'm not worried about it yet. Maybe someday before I start to look more like your Mom than your girlfriend, I'll make the decision to become like you. But it will be a decision we'll come to _together_, you can't expect to make that kind of decision for me, and I promise to not make that kind of decision without you."

"Bella, I won't ever let you decide to give up your soul for me. It's just not an option."

So we were back to that. This was part of the existing vs. living argument I started having with him the night he confirmed what he was. I knew this conversation was started that night and was long overdue for a finish.

"Edward, what do you know of my soul? Have you spoken to St. Peter at the gates and discussed with him the issue of being damned and not accepted into heaven? Do you even know for sure a heaven exists? How do you know you _don't_ have a soul? What is it about you that makes you soulless? Your diet? Your crazy belief that you lack humanity? Edward, every single time you gently touch me, comfort me, _protect_ me, you demonstrate your humanity. If souls actually exist and I have a soul to lose, then you have a soul as well, which means I'm not in any danger of losing mine. Everything about you is soulful. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I can't believe, I _won't_ believe that there is some crazy deity out there that would actually think you belonged in hell. I have a hard time accepting the logic that there is a heaven and hell to begin with. The world isn't so black and white as that. And if there is a God, and he chose to send you to eternal damnation because of _what_ you are and not _who_ you are, well, after already being on my shit list for doing what he did to my Mother, you'll have to forgive me for telling you his opinion, if it exists, doesn't matter to me."

I took a deep breath, anticipating an interruption. When one didn't come, I kept going.

"I honestly believe most people adhere to religious beliefs because they fear the unknown. But the unknown isn't something I fear or even think about. I think it's more important to live in the moment, live the life we _know_ we have the best way possible. And if that means choosing eternity to be with you, then so be it. But you do not get to sit here and tell me that you know I would be choosing damnation and losing my _soul_. You have seen many things in your century of life, Edward, and I understand that. But you haven't seen _that_ and you can't convince me you know better than me what makes us human and what determines the outcome of our souls, if such a thing even exists."

To my surprise, Edward didn't come back with a rebuttal. Lying next to me, silently rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb and using the other to stroke my hair, it was several minutes before he spoke.

In a gravelly whisper, he finally choked out an answer.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks at hearing his words. Finally, _finally _I had gotten through to him.

"Bella, please don't cry."

I knew he could feel the wetness on his shirt from the pooling of my tears, but I didn't care and laughed at the sweet sadness of his voice.

"They're happy tears, Edward, it's okay. I'm just happy to be with you, and happy that you are letting us just _be_."

I let out a contented sigh.

"Will you sing to me?"

I lifted my head to look into his eyes, it never ceased to amaze me just how much love I saw in them.

"What do you want me to sing?"

"Mmmm, singer's choice."

It didn't take him long to start humming a soft tune, and a few seconds later he started singing the words.

_"Every day is a new day  
>I'm thankful for every breath I take<br>I won't take you for granted  
>So I learn from my mistakes<br>It's beyond my control  
>Sometimes just lettin' it go<br>Whatever happens in this lifetime  
>So I trust in love<br>You have given me peace of mind_

_I, I feel so alive_  
><em>For the very first time<em>  
><em>I can't deny you<em>  
><em>I feel so alive<em>  
><em>I, I feel so alive<em>  
><em>For the very first time<em>  
><em>And I think I can fly.<em>

_Sunshine upon my face_  
><em>A new song for me to sing<em>  
><em>Tell the world how I feel inside<em>  
><em>Even though it might cost me everything<em>  
><em>And now that I know<em>  
><em>This will be outta control<em>  
><em>This I can never turn my back away<em>  
><em>Now that I see you<em>  
><em>I can never look away<em>

_I, I feel so alive..._

"

As he kept singing, my mind wandered. Listening to the lyrics it sounded like either one of us could have written them about the other. Edward always _did _that - he had an uncanny ability to just pluck the perfect song from his memory, and flawlessly change it to something even more beautiful than the original.

The sun began setting and I knew we would have to leave soon. But it had been the perfect day, and even though I didn't want it to end, I was so thankful we came here. Edward had accomplished his goal beautifully; the meadow would always be one of my favorite places in the world, a place filled with magic that I could never forget.

**Chapter End Notes:**

The song is _Alive _by P.O.D. and the rest of the lyrics are worth reading if you have a chance to look them up - they work beautifully with this chapter.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed!


	21. Alice In Wonderland

**CHAPTER 21: Alice In Wonderland**

"A sleepover."

"A sleepover?"

"Yes. A sleepover."

Alice looked at me expectantly.

"But, what about, I mean, I don't think Charlie will go for that knowing Edward will be there."

"But Edward won't be there."

Alice spoke in a matter-of-fact voice that made me laugh.

"And where will Edward be?"

I tried to match Alice's enthusiasm in my tone with my playful question, but I knew I didn't quite hit the mark. Her excitement was hard to compete with.

But, I did have some excitement of my own building for other reasons. My Junior year of high school was coming to an end and I couldn't believe how few days we actually had left before our summer break started. Alice was already in full celebration mode it seemed and was gearing up for what she called a _weekend of fun._

Alice answered my question about Edward by rolling her eyes at me and tilting her head toward the end of the hall. My gaze followed the direction of her head and I saw Edward's copper hair above the other students moving toward us. Warmth spread through my entire insides, and I had to wonder if that would ever stop when my body was expecting Edward's proximity, but I had a sneaky suspicion (and complete hope) that it never would.

It had been almost a month since our perfect day at the meadow. Since that day, Edward and I were closer than ever. I didn't have to be telepathic to read his emotions and the majority of his thoughts, despite his remarkable ability to keep his face straight and free of expression. And although I knew Edward's mind-reading didn't work on me, he demonstrated quite a proficiency in understanding how I felt under most circumstances. Of course, that might have something to do with our mutual overwhelming happiness with each other. But even so, our bond had become so strong that it was hard for me to imagine my life before him. It wasn't until this week that I fully understood the expression _better half_. While I didn't necessarily agree with that idea completely, I did feel that Edward was my _other_ half, and he certainly brought out the best in me. So, sure, _better half_ would work.

Speaking of my better half, Edward wound his way through the students with ease and walked up right next to Alice. I took in a deep breath letting my gaze linger on his body before meeting his eyes, knowing as soon as I did my eyes would get lost there. Saying Edward looked _dapper_ would be an understatement, but that was the best word for it. Today he was wearing dark jeans and a crisp white button-down. His sleeves were cuffed up and he had his hands tucked down into his jeans pockets, looking absolutely irresistible I might add.

"Someone said my name."

His eyes were twinkling at me as he crinkled his face into a mischievous smile. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and before I could take a breath he had his hands wrapped around me and had me pulled into a bear hug.

He whispered a soft, "I've missed you" in my ear as I hugged him tightly back. His lips danced like feathers on my ear lobe before landing on my lips ever so sweetly. I looked up at him and gave him my own megawatt smile.

"I've missed you too." And it wasn't a lie. I loved him too much to feel ridiculous for telling him I missed him after I just saw him the night before. Besides, he said he felt the same, so what was there to be embarrassed about?

"Riiiiight. Okie dokie. Could you two tear yourselves away from each other for one minute and bring the focus back to what I was saying?"

I could hear Alice's tapping foot on the school's terrazo floor and quickly stole a glance in her direction. If I didn't know her at all, I would have immediately interpreted her body language as being highly annoyed, but if you took just a second to look more closely, you could see the happiness lined in her eyes. I knew Alice had been an early champion of mine and I felt an immense sense of gratitude toward her that quickly reminded me why I was looking at her to begin with.

"So, Alice has hunted me down before first period to tell me that my presence is required at the Cullen home for a sleepover tonight. And, from what I'm guessing, it's a girls sleepover that _you_ will not be present for."

I poked him playfully in the chest to make my point.

"No I will not."

Edward sounded more relieved than anything else as his answer was combined with a soft chuckle and a shake of his head. I had to wonder what he was hearing in Alice's head about what the night's agenda was calling for to warrant that reaction.

"So where will _you_ be?"

"Emmett, Carlisle, and I will be going out for a nice long hike followed by a night of camping. But, I'll be there when you wake up in the morning."

Hiking was the word for hunting when speaking in range of human ears. I tried to not show any disappointment. I mean, I _really _tried. An evening without Edward could still be fun, don't get me wrong, but being at his house for an entire night without him seemed unfair. I planted a wide smile on my face, concentrating on the idea of at least waking up in the same house as Edward, which was definitely worth smiling about.

Edward's body softly rippled as he shook his head in silent laughter, letting me know I failed at hiding my true emotion. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked with me down the hall toward my first class. Edward and I had different first periods, but his class wasn't far, and I knew he'd have no problem getting to his class in time. I enjoyed every single day that I could just walk with him like this during brief moments at school. It felt so _nice_, and I sometimes had the urge to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't in a dream. And to be quite honest, I was actually somewhat disappointed that we were about to run out of these days since school was almost over. But I remained optimistic that I would still get to see Edward just about every day over the summer. At least, I hoped.

We were at my classroom door when he leaned in for a light kiss on my cheek, squeezed my hand, and then told me he'd see me at lunch.

I went to class not being able to concentrate. What does a sleepover with Alice involve anyway?

….

Honestly, with so few days left in the school year, it was remarkable that teachers thought us students had the capacity for the amount of concentration required - but I was oddly thankful for the two quizzes, a test, and a final group project to keep my mind from thinking too hard about the upcoming night's activities. Now that it was almost time for Alice to pick me up, I started to get a little more anxious.

It wasn't that I would be in a house of vampires for an entire night that had me on edge. To be truthful, it hadn't even occurred to me to care about that. I had been over to Edward's house a few times since our day in the meadow, and it was too beautiful of a home to not feel completely comfortable in, no matter who was inside. But what _was_making me anxious was knowing they didn't sleep. I'd never been invited to a sleepover when I lived in Phoenix, but I heard the stories. Wasn't the first person asleep usually tortured in some way? I had visions of Alice and Rosalie dipping my hand in warm water and freezing my underwear when a knock brought me back to the present.

Alice had assured me that Esme already got the requisite okay from Charlie - apparently she had made a phone call to the station while we were all at school. A message left for me on the answering machine from Charlie confirmed this. I knew he had planned on working late tonight and I also knew he would welcome the idea of me spending time with friends, but I felt oddly relieved that he wasn't here to watch me carry an overnight bag, a pillow, and a blanket out the door. I felt like a twelve year old. What high schoolers had sleepovers, anyway?

I opened the door to my very excited and smiley friend. Alice grabbed my stuff from my arms in one fluid motion and began chastising me for the contents she was now holding.

"Bella, _honestly_, do you think I would have invited you over for a sleepover if I didn't have the necessary equipment for you to actually sleep?"

"If by 'equipment' you mean blankets and pillows - well, why would I assume that you guys have those?"

Alice rolled her eyes at me and then started laughing.

"Well, what's funny about that?" I asked as we got into her car.

I didn't know what I was missing, but Alice seemed to think it would've been obvious.

She snickered for a second more before pulling herself together and answering the question.

"Well, _Edward_ might not have ever had any use for a bed, but the rest of us certainly have."

"Oh. _Oh._"

It didn't take long for Alice's words to sink in. Of course, how could I have been so clueless? They were all coupled except Edward. But, I thought back to the times I've been over to their house. I didn't remember seeing a bed in her room the few times I'd been in it.

Before I had a chance to speak, Alice answered my question.

"Oh, that's because we just thought they took up too much space in our rooms, so Rosalie and I made Emmett and Jasper get beds in theirs instead. Besides, it just makes more sense - their rooms are on opposite sides of the house while me and Rosalie share a wall. Of course, we don't _need_ a bed, and we've gone through more than I can count, but beds are still nice for snuggling. Even _vampires _like to snuggle."

She managed to answer about three of my unspoken questions _and_over-share in one breath.

"Alice, can you do me a favor? I know you can see or hear what I'm about to do or say, but can you try to not answer a question until I've had the chance to actually vocalize it?"

I smiled at her to let her know I wasn't annoyed, because I honestly wasn't, but I just wanted to make sure she didn't get into a habit of answering questions I hadn't planned on actually asking. That had the potential for serious embarrassment, depending on what was going through my head at any given time, especially if we had an audience.

"Oh! Sorry, I do have a habit of doing that with my family. I just forget sometimes. But if it makes you feel better, I can only see you asking something once you decide to actually ask it. It's not like I can see or hear _everything_ in your head like _some_ people in our family can. Although, I guess you are the one person in the family that doesn't work for, so _I'm _the one at an advantage in your case."

Before I had a chance to linger on her including me as part of her family, she followed it up with a quick wink and an even quicker, "I'll _try_ to be more conscious of it though. Promise."

Alice's energy had me at ease in a matter of seconds and her display of playful rivalry with Edward had me laughing. I told her she was just too much as we pulled into the Cullen driveway.

…

"I feel like a Barbie doll."

My voice came out whiny and it was Rosalie that answered me first, "Well, what did you expect? How often do you think we get to play 'dress up the human', anyway?"

I laughed, and since my shaking caused Rosalie to skim the lipstick across my cheek - resulting in her giving me quite the angry pout - I just laughed even harder.

"Aren't you a vampire with, like, _amazing_ reflexes? Shouldn't you be able to put lipstick on me without any problem even if I'm talking, laughing, walking, _dancing_? I just thought that was something y'all could do."

Rosalie's pout turned up into a smirk instantly. "Don't test me, Isabella. Or I'll feel obligated to show you just what my _reflexes _are capable of."

Rosalie started opening the eye make up and while still smiling, I closed my eyes and let her do her thing while Alice was behind me still working on my hair.

The night had so far been pretty fun. I was a little anxious about coming partly because of Rosalie. Sure, she had been a lot easier to be around since the events after that awful night at the dance. But in the back of my mind, I knew Rosalie still had reservations about my being with Edward. Or, at least I thought she had. She wasn't showing any reservations about me being here tonight, in fact, she was just as easy to be around as Alice was. And that was saying something.

Alice of course had the night's activities planned out in full detail. We started the night by having a movie marathon of three chick flicks - Alice had us each pick out one. Alice chose _Grease_, Rosalie's movie was _Some Kind of Wonderful_ and mine was _Girls Just Wanna Have Fun_. During our "intermission" between the last two movies, Esme insisted that Alice allow me to actually eat a meal. I'm not sure what I had been expecting - maybe a frozen dinner they picked up for me - but I was incredibly surprised and appreciative that Esme had taken the time to actually make a delicious chicken and mushroom pasta dish for me, and said I could take the leftovers home with me for dinner with Charlie one night.

It was after midnight when the last movie finished. Because the last movie was mine and it was a movie that had a lot of dancing in it, it seemed a natural progression for us to turn the living room into a dance club. Alice was the perfect DJ, and while the three of us all had fun shaking it, it was hard not to envy Rosalie's ability to move. I enjoyed dancing when heels or an audience weren't involved, but I wished I had half the rhythm of Rosalie so I could enjoy dancing even more. The two of them could have kept going all night, but around 2 a.m. I was hiding yawns as best as I could from them. That's when Alice decided it was time to play _dress up the human._

I tried to protest - pointing out that Alice already had this opportunity a couple of months ago, but she wouldn't take no for an answer reminding me that Rosalie wasn't there to join in the fun.

Rosalie was just finishing up the last touches with my eyes when I felt the stinging heat of the curling iron on my head, "Ouch! Alice - the iron!"

"Sorry!" She smiled sheepishly at my reflection as my eyes flew open.

I gave her a quick roll of my eyes with a smile to let her know it was fine. I had done that to myself plenty of times before, and it was a burning pain that thankfully went away as soon as you moved the heat source.

Alice released the last strip of hair from the iron and let the curl naturally fall by my face. With a quick "ta-da!" she gave me a hand held mirror so I could see the finished product from all angles. I had to admit, they did a great job. Rosalie fixed the lipstick mistake on my cheek thank goodness, and I was pleasantly surprised to really like what they did. Despite feeling like Rosalie had spent hours on my face, it didn't actually look like I had a lot of make up on. And Alice gave my hair so much body with loose curls cascading down my back and more curls spilling over my shoulders to frame my face in the front. I felt beautiful. As soon as I told them as much Alice decided it was time to move on to her next planned activity.

"Time for 20 Questions!"

Oh no.

Rosalie and I exchanged a look and I wondered if she was feeling as uneasy about this game as I was.

"Alice - ummm, why don't we play another game? Like a board game or something? Do you guys have Life? Or Monopoly? Oooh! What about Scattegories?"

I was feeling a little desperate. It's not that I didn't want to dig deeper into their lives, I just knew from playing my own game of 20 Questions with Edward on a few different occasions that it could become heavier than what you want for almost four o'clock in the morning.

But since neither Alice or Rosalie were showing any signs of boredom or wear, I refused to ask to be allowed to go to sleep. I was determined to stay awake for the 'fun' as long as I could.

"Fine. Do you have the book, _20 Questions_ or are we just taking turns asking whatever we want?"

Alice let out a sigh of glee at my resignation to play.

"No silly!" She reached for a bowl that was sitting on her dresser and brought it down to the floor where Rosalie and I were now sitting. I was wrapped in a blanket and lounging on pillows with Rosalie lying beside me. Alice joined us and brought our attention to the bowl.

"I spent all day today at school coming up with good questions. I've written a bunch down and put them on slips of paper in the bowl. The way we play is to take turns picking out a question. We get to choose who gets to answer the question, but then it's that person's turn to ask the question once they've answered. To take your turn, you can either decide to redirect the question you just answered to the person who asked, or you can pick a new question out of the bowl to ask anyone. Got it? Great! I'll start!"

Her explanation sounded a little confusing, and I got the sneaky suspicion she went through that explanation so fast for that reason. For some reason Alice couldn't wait for us to play this game.

She picked out a slip of paper and began reading aloud.

"Name someone famous you'd give up your prized possession to spend one night with."

Alice looked from me to Rosalie and then finally settled on Rosalie.

"Alice, he would have to be a very damn good looking man for me to give up my Charlotte. Hmmm...and only for one night? I know! Remember that miniseries we watched awhile back? What was it called? About the war in Iraq? _Kill_ something..."

Alice chimed in without missing a beat, "Oh! _Generation Kill_. Yes I remember - Jasper made me watch it at least half a dozen times. Ooohh, you mean that Alexander guy, the one who played Iceman? He was super hot..."

Rosalie started laughing, "No not Iceman. The other guy - the one that played Lilley or something? I think his name is Kellan? He's really cute. I bet he's a movie away from being a major sex symbol. He was hot. I'd spend a night with him for Charlotte."

I watched the exchange between Alice and Rosalie with amusement. So maybe these questions wouldn't be so bad. But I had one I needed to ask without taking a turn.

"Wait. Who or what is Charlotte?"

Rosalie chortled out her answer, "My car!" Then went on to say it was her turn.

The game continued along a more silly line for several more turns. Among other things, I was asked to describe in detail my first kiss. Alice had to tell us her most embarrassing moment with Jasper and Rosalie had just finished telling us what job she would be the most miserable at if she was forced to get one.

"I'm just saying, waitresses deal with a lot of b.s. I could never serve people on a daily basis and I could never force myself to be nice to people who behaved like jackasses. My turn."

She stopped cold as she opened the folded paper. She looked hard at Alice, not saying a word, but just waiting.

I started to feel a little uneasy and then Alice finally spoke.

"Just read it Rosalie. It's 20 Questions. Not all the questions are meant to be light. It's meant to help us get to know one another. Sometimes that means asking harder questions."

I could tell Alice was somewhat second-guessing her list of questions in the bowl because she cowered - ever so slightly - under Rosalie's glare.

"Fine. But then this question is for you."

Alice simply nodded and my stomach immediately tightened.

"Describe in detail what you love most about being a vampire, or if this question is asked of Bella, being with a vampire."

I felt a slight _whoosh_ get expelled from my tightened lungs. That wasn't _that_ bad of a question - why was Rosalie reacting that way?

Alice started speaking softly, directing her answer to Rosalie at first.

"I just...you had a chance to tell Bella about what you didn't like about being what you are. I wanted her to have the chance to hear what you do like about it. Or if I got asked the question - why I love being what I am. It's only fair she hears both sides."

Rosalie, to my surprise, just nodded at Alice to go ahead and continue.

Alice took my hands in hers and without any further hesitation, opened up about her entire story.

"I'm not sure how old I am. I mean, I know how long I've been a vampire, but I'm not entirely sure how old I was when I turned. I don't remember anything about my human life. Before I saw Jasper in my thoughts the only real thing I remember is darkness and fear. I was alone and scared and I had no idea how I came to be. The only thing I could remember was hearing a name, like a whisper getting lost in a long dark tunnel, the name 'Alice' just kept playing like a record in my mind. I took the name as my own, but to be completely honest, I'm not even sure that's who I was. What I do know is that is who I am now."

She took a brief break to smile reassuringly at me, knowing her story was starting out as dark and sad as Rosalie's, before continuing to what she loved most.

"I have no idea what I lost, unlike Rosalie, I don't have memories of a life I could have lived. I don't know if I had a family or anyone that loved me. The past was empty. But I kept having visions of a future that kept me going. A future I could hold on to. I kept seeing his beautiful face, and in a moment I would see it again in a new vision but beaten and scarred. I didn't know how I was going to find him, but something inside of me knew I had to, for both of our sakes. I knew he was like me, although I still didn't entirely understand what that meant. I only knew from my visions that I had to stay out of the sun, I didn't have to wonder what people would do if they saw me for what I was. I _saw_ what they would do, and I am so thankful for having that power - to see what I needed to do to stay alive. I did what I could to train my visions on him. I just knew I had to find him, that somehow once I did we would both be okay."

Alice's voice trailed off slightly as I imagined her recalling that heartbreaking memory - knowing she had to find someone but had no idea where to start.

"I finally heard his name being called by a woman. Jasper Whitlock. And after what felt like forever, I finally had a vision that led me to him. He was walking into a diner and I knew I had to be there when he did. So I found the diner and I waited for him. It felt like hours of electric anticipation until finally he walked through the door. I immediately went up to him and told him that I've been waiting for him, and instead of thinking I was crazy, he just simply smiled at me - that adorable smile of his. I told him my story and how I saw the two of us living a different life, a _happier _life with a family named 'Cullen'. And amazingly enough, he left his life and walked out of that diner with me and never looked back. We found our new family together and we've been with them ever since."

Alice looked from Rosalie to me and then finally said what I knew she was building up to.

"So, what I love most about being a vampire is that I get to spend the rest of my life, I get to spend a _real_ forever living 'happily ever after' with the man I love. The man that saved me from a cold and lonely existence that I wouldn't have survived a month in on my own. It was the vision of him coming into my life that kept me moving. And it has been his love since that has made me thankful every day that I am what I am. I don't know what kind of life I had as a human, but I do know that no amount of memory loss or whatever it was that has kept my past hidden could have suppressed the memory of that kind of love if I had known it as a human. The kind of love I have with Jasper transcends darkness. I couldn't imagine a world in which he didn't exist. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with him. I wouldn't want to _be_with anyone else but him. And I would never want either one of us to leave the other in death. It would be an unfair and cruel joke to play on someone like me. I would see it coming, it would play out in agonizing detail over and over again - either my dying and leaving Jasper alone or him leaving me to despair - a broken record of heartache that would drive me into madness..."

Alice trailed off again, this time she took a few moments to shake the depressing thoughts from her head before continuing.

"But I don't have to imagine any of that. And it's great not being vulnerable to illness or accident. We have each other, we have our family, I have everything I could ever want, and as long as I get to spend eternity with my soul mate, I shall never curse my existence. Instead, every single day, I have felt complete joy at knowing just how lucky I am. I will always feel that way. I _am _lucky for the life I've been given. And that's what I love."

I smiled at Alice and gave her a hug - a small token of gratitude for orchestrating this whole night just to tell me that story. Despite its depressing undertones, it was still a love story. Her love story. And I was glad she shared it with me.

Rosalie and Alice finally - now that it was 5 a.m. - conceded that they had kept me up late enough and would let me get some sleep. They took me down the hall to Edward's room and before I could protest, opened the door, gently pushed me inside, said "good night" and shut the door behind them.

I looked around in awe. I had been in Edward's room a few times before, but this was the first time he had a bed in the middle of it. I saw that one of the girls had put my overnight bag by the foot of the bed, and too tired to let myself fantasize about where I was about to sleep, put on my night shirt and crawled under the covers.

…

"Bella? Are you awake?"

I was starting to come out of a very pleasant dream involving me, Edward, and a very sturdy bed. "No...not awake...dreaming..." I tried to fight the inevitable, desperately wanting to go back to the world where I was lying in Edward's arms in his bed...cuddling up to him after experiencing a blissful night of passion...and then suddenly I was aware of my surroundings.

"Edward?"

His laughing subsided as he angled his head down so he could kiss my forehead.

"Good morning, Bella. Or, I should say, good afternoon. I hope you slept well, it certainly sounded as if you did."

Oh god.

"I was having a very good dream, thank you very much. You'll be happy to know that I slept very well after Dream-Edward was through with me."

If he could have blushed, I might have said the perfect thing to get that response, but Edward never missed a beat.

"Hmmm... well maybe real Edward will have to show you just how lame Dream-Edward can be."

And with that, he rolled over on top of me, tickling my ear with a light flick of his tongue, before feathering kisses over my eyes, nose, and then my lips. He inhaled deeply before pulling me into a kiss that left me gasping for air. I grabbed a fistful of his hair causing him to sit up, but this time instead of breaking the kiss, he put his hand behind my back and pulled me up to him, tearing away from my mouth to kiss the side of my neck, my throat, letting his tongue slowly taste the salt of my skin. He took another deep breath before bringing his lips back to mine, kissing me ever so softly before whispering a "How did real Edward do?" into my parted mouth.

He did fantastic. Simply fantastic.

_**Chapter End Notes:**_

No music in this one - the chapter felt a little lost without it, but there will be plenty of music in the remaining chapters to make up for it here.


	22. All That You Are

**A/N:**

I have just a few notes:

A. Songs aplenty in here. If a "playlist" could exist for this chapter it would probably include:

1. David Gray - Be Mine  
>2. Bryan Adams - When You Love Someone<br>3. Goo Goo Dolls - All That You Are  
>4. Alexi Murdoch - All My Days<br>5. Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

B. Big shout out to Kristin (aka AngelbyEve) who has found a way to motivate me over on FF as well! :)

C. Disclaimer: SM owns all recognizable Twilight plots and characters. Music and lyrics belong to their respective artists.

**CHAPTER 22: All That You Are**

_**Friday**_

I had been rummaging through drawers and my closet for the past hour trying to find the right jewelry to match my outfit for the night. I was looking in particular for one of my Mom's bracelets that I really wanted to wear and I was starting to get panicky the more I looked for it to no avail. Edward, on the other hand, was looking delightfully delicious sprawled out on my bed perfectly dressed for the evening and was calmly waiting for me to finish getting ready. His phone had rang just moments before and I could hear in his voice that he was starting to get worried about my search when he let me know it was Alice calling.

"Please, please tell me that Alice has another weekend of fun up her sleeve?"

Edward slid the phone back into his pocket and sat up with a look that let me know that Alice hadn't just been talking about anything fun for the weekend. The immediate change in Edward's demeanor – from playful to sober – made my chest tighten.

"Alice wasn't sure if she should tell you first, so wanted me to decide for her. She said that you shouldn't stay at our house tonight, you'll need to be here in the morning. You're getting a visitor."

He paused for a moment to reach for my hands, pulling me to the bed to sit next to him.

"Bella, it's Phil. He's coming to Forks and will be here tomorrow."

"Why would he be … ?"

I let my voice trail off, trying to think while looking questioningly at Edward wondering how much Alice told him.

"I'm sorry, Bella. That's all I got from her. She doesn't know details, she just saw him sitting at your table talking to you and Charlie tomorrow morning, but said she could tell you were upset. She didn't want to ruin your night, but didn't think it was right keeping it from you either."

I didn't know what to think. It wasn't that I didn't want to see Phil. But aside from a few emails to let each other know how we were doing, I hadn't actually spoken to him since I called him from Phoenix to let him know that everything but the furniture had been cleared out of the house. I couldn't understand why he would come here and not give me or Charlie a head's up phone call or email, _something._

As if reading my thoughts, Edward pulled me into a hug and into his lap. He asked when I heard from Phil last.

I had to think for a minute before remembering.

"It's been awhile. Maybe a few days after I got out of the hospital and went back to school? I was worried that the story would somehow reach him down in Florida and wanted to make sure he knew I was okay before he heard anything about it. He emailed right back saying he wished he could see me then, but was thankful to hear I was alright."

Edward just nodded while keeping me in a tight hug. Phil was coming to visit. _Phil was coming to visit. _The same thought just kept running through my mind but I still wasn't able to process it. I couldn't warn or prepare Charlie – how on earth would I have explained my knowing he was coming?

I couldn't think about it anymore. I shook my head in an attempt to rid the thoughts of Phil's visit. Tonight was the graduation celebration for Emmett and Rosalie, and tomorrow would have to wait for tomorrow. I planted a smile on my face at the thought. I forgot how many graduation ceremonies this would be for them, but I knew the number was high. Rosalie had told me during our sleepover that if she never had to go through high school again, she would be willing to admit her vampire life was perfect. The funniest comment though was from Alice who agreed with Rosalie and then pouted that she almost always had to suffer an additional year of high school each time and had no idea why Rosalie was complaining. The two of them together were quite the pair.

I stood up, pulling Edward up with me.

"At this rate and as preoccupied as I now am, I know I'll never find what I was looking for. So, if you're ready, then we can get going."

I had borrowed my Mom's bracelet a few weeks before her accident and I honestly couldn't remember if I gave it back to her or not, I hung onto the hope that it was with her other jewelry and I hadn't lost it. Trying to ditch the panicky feeling I was having over the misplaced jewelry, I gave Edward a smile to let him know I really was ready. Edward, in turn, gave me a thoughtful look before taking my hand, pulling it up above my head and giving me a twirl in the middle of my floor.

"You're missing one thing."

He pulled me in close to him and wrapped the hand that he was holding around his back. He lightly grasped my other hand and wrapped it around his back as well so I was pulled in as tightly to him as I could get. With a feather-light touch he slid his hands up my arms, up my neck, and finally rested them on the sides of my face. He gently tilted my head back and I closed my eyes as I felt his smooth lips pressing into mine.

'There" he whispered, "now you're perfect."

I took his hand in mine and headed down the stairs to say good bye to Charlie.

Charlie was sprawled out on the couch watching the Mariners game, with a Rainier beer in hand and another empty one on the coffee table. I was tempted to walk into the kitchen and call out a quick "good bye" so as not to disturb him, but Edward seemed to have a different idea.

"Mr. Swan?"

Charlie looked up right away and saw the two of us standing in the doorway to the living room.

"Hey! Edward – good to see you again."

Charlie stood up and gave Edward a firm handshake before motioning us to head into the kitchen.

"Edward, I understand you have a brother and sister that just graduated, right?"

Edward answered Charlie's question and although I had already told Charlie where I was going for the evening, Edward continued talking to him by explaining the plans for the night.

"Our parents really wanted to have a nice family celebration for them. We originally had plans for a dinner cruise in Port Angeles, but since the weather decided not to cooperate, we changed our plans to just having dinner and then throwing them a quiet party at our house. My parents will both be home, of course."

I couldn't remember a time when Edward spoke that much to Charlie. But even more impressive was Charlie's response.

"Oh, I know they will be. I have the most respect for both of your parents. Dr. Cullen is a true godsend to our community, and your Mom is one of the kindest human beings I've ever met. You have a real lovely family. Please tell your brother and sister that I send my 'Congratulations' and best wishes their way for their graduation."

It looked like Charlie wanted to say something more, but after Edward gave him a polite "will do, sir" he walked us out the door and waved us off.

Once inside Edward's car, I laced my fingers through his right hand and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"Have I told you lately that I love you?" I tilted my head upward so I could place a soft kiss on his jawline as he drove.

He brought my hand up to his mouth and grazed my wrist with his lips before placing a sweet kiss on the back of my hand while he whispered out his answer.

"You have, but I will never tire of hearing it. I love you too."

...

Alice had the Cullen house completely decked out, but after a quick look around, Edward and I both started busting out laughing at the scene in front of us. Alice was fighting with Rosalie trying to get her to wear this ridiculous pink princess graduation cap. It was a pink fuzzy graduation style cap glued onto a headband with a tiara at the top and a pink feather where the tassel would have been. On the tiara the words "Graduation Princess" were glued on using fake pink crystals. Emmett was being a good sport and was trying to tell Rosalie that if he was wearing the yellow smiley face graduation bubbles necklace with pride then she should wear the 'feathery crown-cap', and "besides" – he was arguing - "wasn't she his _graduation princess_?"

Finally acknowledging our presence, Rosalie stormed over to where we were standing.

"Bella, I hope you're not laughing at the ridiculous choice of party headpiece Alice has picked out, because if memory serves, you have a birthday coming up after the summer and birthdays aren't something Alice usually gets to celebrate, if you understand what I'm getting at."

Her voice was loud and cross for Alice and Emmett's benefit, but as she was facing Edward and I and not them, she winked at me to let me know she was just playing up the princess diva part they had given her. I didn't dismiss her warning about my birthday though – I had a feeling she wasn't going to be far off the mark where Alice was concerned.

Still smiling, I just shook my head and gave each of my friends a big hug as they started playing music and turned their living room into a dance floor as Alice announced the festivities were starting.

Everyone had been dancing for what felt like hours – even Esme and Carlisle had been tearing up the floor with the rest of us. It was such a casual and happy celebration, and I couldn't remember the last time I had so much carefree fun without a hint of a sober moment or thought to ruin it. Alice started winding down the energy by playing more slow songs for all the couples to dance to.

With David Gray's _Be Mine_ softly playing in the background, Edward slid his hands down to my waist and gently lifted me off the floor and held me at full arms length above his head so I was now looking down at him. My hair cascaded around my face as I gazed down at the man I cherished with all my heart. He slowly lowered his arms and brought me down to where our lips could meet before pulling me in tightly against his chest. With my feet still far from touching the floor, Edward twirled me effortlessly around the living room until the song came to an end.

The room was quiet as I noticed the music had ended and we suddenly seemed to be alone in the room. I was about to ask Edward where everyone ran off to, but I already knew. His family wanted us to have a moment to ourselves. Smiling at Edward, I slid my hand up his chest until I reached his neck. With my thumb stroking his cheek, I wrapped my fingers around the back of his head and coaxed him down to my level.

Edward didn't need any further cues as he pulled me down onto the couch and in his lap, all the while never letting his lips leave mine. We sat like that for a long time – quietly and gently kissing while I sat in his lap – with surprisingly no distractions from Emmett to pull us out of our romantic daze. The living room's deafening silence was only broken by the breathy sighs escaping my lips when my mouth broke its connection from Edward's just long enough for me to get air. Our sweet kisses evolved into deeper, more passionate ones as the minutes wore on. I could feel Edward's body constantly stiffen and relax underneath me as he tried to hold back and give in to the moment all at the same time. Heat crept all over my body and as our kisses grew deeper I thought I might spontaneously combust right in Edward's arms if I didn't cool down somehow. Not wanting to ruin this perfect moment Edward was allowing to happen, I decided on a different strategy for relieving my feverish reaction. I traced my finger along his jaw, down his neck, and buried my hand underneath my body so it was pressing against his sculpted chest. I drew a wad of his shirt into my fist and tugged it up until I released enough of the barrier that was preventing me from touching his cool skin.

Edward hissed as my warm hand finally connected with his cool torso as I made every attempt to touch as much of his skin as I could reach in this position. Edward seemed to understand my need and reciprocated by sliding his cool hands up under my shirt. He lightly stroked my back several times before tracing his hands down my back and around my sides so his thumbs were gently rubbing circles on opposite sides of my stomach. Not quite satisfied, I tugged his shirt up even farther and broke from Edward's lips to look him in the eyes.

"Please, Edward. Get rid of it."

He hesitated for a moment until my pleading eyes finally won. His shirt was off faster than my eyes could process and I went back to kissing him as my hands freely explored every inch of his beautiful upper body.

Edward resumed his gentle caressing, taking his long slender fingers and lightly raking them up and down the sides of my abdomen. Tingles were flowing through my body with each stroke of his hands. Although I didn't think it was entirely intentional, his thumbs lightly stroked the bottom of my bra as he began making circular strokes up and down my stomach. A soft moan escaped my lips as soon as I felt his touch so close to that sensitive place. Whether it was my moan or my continual exploring of his body, Edward caved and let down the final remnants of his resistance. He sucked my bottom lip into one final kiss before skimming his cool wet lips down my neck, along my collar bone, and back up to my ear. His thumbs continued making their passes along my bra line while he kissed me until his lips reached my ear. Between kisses, his husky voice turned the tables on me and began their own pleading.

"Bella, I need to feel your warm skin against mine. I can't get enough of your skin."

He whispered this in my ear as he let his thumbs continue working my abdomen and sides.

He didn't have to ask twice. I was already ahead of him as I pulled my hands back from his chest long enough to grab the bottom of my shirt with both hands and yank it over my head. His lips were on my bare shoulders instantaneously as my hands went back to roaming across his body. My tongue and lips seemed to have a mind of their own as they fought over tasting his neck to kissing his pecs. My tongue won the battle as I kissed and tasted the exposed area of his neck between his shoulder and his delicious jawline. My hands drew their explorations further down until I was massaging the area of his skin right under his waistband.

With an immediate tight gasp, Edward traced his hands from my shoulders down my arms to my hands where he pulled them up to his mouth to kiss both palms. He held my hands at his face for a long moment before pulling them to his chest and bringing me into a tight hug against his body as he repositioned us so we were now lying down on the couch.

"Just this, for now. Okay?"

He had his eyes closed when he spoke but I could hear in his voice that he was begging me to agree. As if at any moment that I decided to go further, he wouldn't have the will to stop himself. But this was what I wanted, and for now was enough for me. Although my bra was still in place, our upper bodies were for the most part in full skin to skin contact and it felt wonderful. We quietly laid there snuggled in each others arms for what seemed like just minutes before Edward sadly whispered that we needed to leave soon – Charlie would be expecting me within the half hour.

If every night could be like this (aside from the leaving at the end of it), I – Bella Swan – would die a very happy girl.

...

_**Saturday, 9:00 a.m.**_

The morning had come entirely too fast. My stomach was fluttering with nerves that I couldn't even begin to fully understand. As I got dressed, I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down. Why was I getting so worked up about this?

Charlie had come into my room a little while after I got home last night to tell me that he received a call from Phil. I already knew what news the conversation brought, but I tried to act as surprised as possible when Charlie let me know that Phil was in Seattle for the weekend and driving to see us in the morning. I had a sneaky suspicion that Charlie might have more of an idea of what Phil was coming for, but he was a wall of deflection when I tried to ask for details.

The aroma of fresh brewed coffee wafted upstairs and I decided a nice hot cup of the steaming liquid just might be what the doctor ordered. That, and a nice hot breakfast I could distract myself by making for me and Charlie.

Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper when I asked if he felt like an omelette this morning.

"Sure, sure – that sounds perfect." Charlie cleared his throat while watching me pull out the rest of the ingredients from the fridge.

"What's up?" I asked, not letting his throat clearing go unnoticed.

"Bella," (another throat clear) "if, uh, you would like to invite Edward over this morning, you know, to be here, I just want you to know that would be okay."

"Does he need to be here? What aren't you telling me? Why is Phil coming?"

Before I could even process Edward's invite to this little reunion I had used the opportunity to blurt out my frantic questions that had plagued me since the night before. Something just kept nagging at me, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. And a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach let me know it wasn't just about Phil.

I mindlessly shifted my focus back to the eggs, folding them over into a perfect omelette, almost forgetting my outburst minutes prior until Charlie's voice pulled me back to reality.

"Bella, I honestly don't know why he's decided to come visit now. He mentioned that he really wanted to see you when you were in the hospital and was upset he couldn't make it then. He said he had some important things to discuss with you regarding your Mom, but to be honest, sweetie, I'm sure he just misses you, as I imagine most of what he would need to talk to you about could've been done over the phone or computer. I just thought that maybe seeing Phil might be difficult, especially if he needed to talk to you about matters pertaining to your Mom, and I know Edward's been a real friend to you."

I put our eggs on plates and carried them over to the table. I've been wanting to talk to Charlie about Edward for awhile now, but at the same time I'd been avoiding the topic. It wasn't that I thought Charlie would be overprotective – though that thought did cross my mind a few times while watching Charlie clean his favorite 12 gauge shotgun – but, it was more about keeping Edward to myself. Almost as if I talked about him to Charlie that I could somehow jinx how great things were going. But hearing Charlie talk about Edward being my friend let me know that I owed it to him to really talk to him about Edward being much more than that. This seemed to be as good a time as any.

"Dad, about Edward, there's something I've been really wanting to tell you."

Charlie put down his fork and looked at me for a moment before saying, "You're in love."

Confusion clamored my brain as I spit out a quick, "How did you know?"

Charlie didn't miss a beat with his response, "Come on, Bells, I'm not blind. Or stupid. It's okay – I'm really not as much of the out of touch old man you make me out to be."

Realizing I wasn't quite ready to answer him, he continued.

"I know why you didn't want to tell me. You remembered that your Mom and I dated in high school and fell in love, and you probably thought I wouldn't want you to get too serious with someone for fear of it turning out the way our relationship did. But, Bells, I'm genuinely happy for you. I think Edward is a really nice young man."

Well, _no_, that wasn't why I didn't tell him, but since he brought it up...

"Why _are_ you sounding so supportive?"

While Charlie took a few more bites of his omelette, I could practically see the wheels spinning as he formulated his answer.

"This is something I probably should have told you a long time ago. Bella, I never regretted my relationship with your Mom, and not just because it gave us you. When we were your age, she had a zest for life unparalleled by anyone else I knew. I was always quiet and reserved and she had a way of bringing me out of my shell every time I was around her. She was energetic and spunky and okay, sometimes a little neurotic, but I loved everything about her. But sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. It's not about fault or blame, it's just that sometimes two people that may love each other just may not be right for each other. Your Mom made me happy, but early in my career I had to leave her many nights home alone, the hours were awful and we hardly saw each other. She felt like she was wasting her youth in a town that was slowly snuffing the life out of her. She was passionate about music and art and she wanted to travel. She was never meant to stay at home being a cop's wife. She was a caged bird that needed freed. I knew that no matter how much I loved her, trying to hold her back from a life she had so much passion for, well, that wasn't love. I had to let her go. But despite how it turned out down the road, I think everyone should experience a love like that. The kind of love that fills you up inside with every good feeling there is in this world."

As Charlie finished telling his story I fully understood why he never fought my Mom for custody, and agreed to the summer visits I had growing up. He knew separating her from her baby would break her spirit, and her spirit was what he loved the most, what he was protecting the most. He was letting go the one person that had been able to make him feel vibrant, alive – what was one more blow by letting his baby go too? He was already broken, but he could protect her from feeling the same way. Besides, it would just allow him the convenience of throwing himself into his work, retreating to a life he could understand and handle without her. My heart ached for him, but at the same time, I knew he was okay. He surrounded himself with reminders of my Mom – reminders of a life not completely forgotten or lost. I knew there was a chance for Charlie to someday find that kind of epic love again. There had to be.

I reached across the table to take his hand. He squeezed mine and returned the conversation back to Edward.

"Bella, I'm not suggesting that you get married right out of high school like we did. But there are far worse things than your daughter falling in love. I always knew you had more of me in you than I sometimes wanted. And as you got older, sometimes I took some relief in knowing that about you since I wouldn't be near enough to you to be as protective as I would've liked to have been. I knew that you wouldn't be the daughter worrying her father sick by bringing home different boyfriends that could never in a million years deserve you. There's nothing wrong with those daughters, sometimes when you're young, you need to explore what's out there so you know what makes you happy and the type of person you would be happy with. But I knew you would probably be more like me. You would take your time, find that right person that would move mountains if he could for you. Someone that would help you see just how beautiful you are, especially during those times when you felt anything but beautiful. Edward is that person for you. I've seen for awhile the change he's brought in you. He's your Rene. And, from what I understand after talking to him last night, you're his Rene."

Charlie didn't register my surprise at that last statement as he kept going.

"Unlike your Mother and me, you two seem to be equal in that department. You bring out the best in each other. After everything you've been through, I would be a horribly cruel father to begrudge you that kind of love. And, whether I really want to admit it or not, I trust him. He seems to really have your best interest at heart, and it's clear that he would do everything in his power to make you feel loved, beautiful, safe. Maybe one day down the road your needs will change and you'll both decide you shared something wonderful but it's time to move on, and that's okay if you do. Or maybe that day will never come and the two of you will continue bringing out the best in each other. Either way, just know that the here and now – these are the moments that matter. The future will come in plenty of time and you can handle whatever comes when it comes. I'm just really grateful and feel very thankful that I've had the chance to see you really open up, laugh, and relax recently. You look and sound genuinely happy and after, well, that's just more than I thought possible a few short months ago. I almost lost you, Bella, you've been so strong and so brave, it's just nice to see that you're letting someone else look out for you and take care of you in a way you deserve."

Tears silently fell down my cheeks as Charlie let me know just how transparent my love for Edward, and his love for me, really was. And through that transparency he made peace with my having a relationship without me even having to tell him about it. I had become somewhat accustomed to Charlie's more affectionate side since my latest stay in the hospital, but this was more emotion and honesty than I could have prepared myself for.

I smiled at Charlie – a genuinely heart-warming smile that I hoped conveyed all the appreciation I felt to him for telling me his perspective on not just Edward, but Rene. It was nice to hear his side of what happened in their relationship. I decided to not ask about the 'how' and 'when' of his conversation with Edward last night. When Edward brought me home, I had gone up to my room to change after letting Charlie know I was back. It was about an hour after that when Charlie had come up to my room to tell me about Phil's call. He must have somehow caught Edward outside before Edward left. That was a question that could wait until I saw Edward again. Right now I wanted to clean up the kitchen and get my emotions back in check before Phil came to throw them off course again.

...

_**Saturday, 11:30 a.m.**_

Phil locked me in a bear hug for a solid thirty seconds. After Phil shook hands with Charlie, I made sure we all had something cold to drink before settling down at the kitchen table, fully aware that this was the setting for the scene Alice saw me being upset in. I tried to push that thought aside as Charlie and Phil wrapped up their small talk.

I decided to not take Charlie up on his offer to invite Edward. I seemed to have a harder time guarding my emotions with Edward near me and felt I had a better chance of making it through whatever this was without crying if it was just the three of us. With Charlie sitting next to me and Phil sitting across from both of us, we watched as he pulled folders out of a bag he had set down next to his chair.

Phil opened the first folder and handed me an envelope.

"Bella, I know you must be wondering why I decided to come last minute to see you. To be honest, I was going to mail all of this to you, but, I've missed you kiddo."

Phil smiled sadly at me and I knew my facial expression must have matched his. I had missed him too. Phil cleared his throat and nodded down at the envelope I was now holding.

"Before you open it, I want to explain. Your Mom didn't have much life insurance. She just had Accidental Death through her insurance agent, but it really wasn't much. In that envelope is the remaining amount after the burial and funeral expenses were paid."

I opened the envelope to see a check made out to me for $600.00.

I looked back at Phil in confusion. "But you were married. This should go to you."

He pulled out another envelope from the folder and slid that one to me as well before answering me.

"Actually, it shouldn't. I mean, legally, yes, it went to me, but that's not what I want. Bella, I don't have any financial hardships and your Mom would have wanted you to be taken care of, at least this is one way I can help in that. I don't want any of it. The insurance money isn't much. You'll spend more than that on books your first year of college. This," he pointed to the second envelope, "is what the insurance paid for her, uh, totaled car."

I took a deep breath at Phil's words. I didn't know what amount was in this envelope, but I really didn't want it. Not for her car. I knew it was stupid to think this way, but it almost felt like a price tag for my Mom's life. How much did the insurance feel she was worth? It was stupid, of course. The money was for the wrecked car, not the wrecked life. It still made me sick to my stomach. I decided to slide that envelope to Charlie, a silent plea for him to open it instead.

Phil slid out a third envelope from his folder and I grew even more uneasy. _This is what happens when family members die. Financial arrangements are made. Personal effects need to be gone through. Some things are kept as treasures, and others are let go._ I took a few more deep breaths as I kept telling myself this is what everyone goes through that loses someone close. Difficult decisions are made, and Phil clearly made several decisions that he thought about in depth.

I picked up the third envelope, waiting to hear from Phil what it contained inside.

"This one is what I was able to make on the house. I wish there was more for you, but we were lucky to not take a loss."

I shook my head in fervor. "No. The house was in your name too. This shouldn't go to me. You'll need whatever is left over to put down on another house when you decide to buy one. I can't accept this."

I stubbornly kept shaking my head as Phil argued that it was what my Mom would have wanted and he had enough in his savings for any future needs if he decided to buy another house. I opened the envelope and found another check with my name on it, this time in an amount that had a couple more zeroes than the first check I looked at.

I looked to Charlie for help, but he only squeezed my shoulder in silent support. This was between Phil and I, and I couldn't realistically expect Charlie to firmly tell the guy to stop giving me money.

"Phil, this is -"

He cut me off before I could finish, "And this," he pulled out paperwork from the second folder, "is what I found in your Mom's tax documents from last year. You'll have to contact the bank, the information is on this sheet. You'll need a copy of your Mom's death certificate, and I have that in here too. She'd been contributing to this savings account since you were a baby."

I looked at the savings account statement he had just given me. It was a local Forks bank. I handed the paper to Charlie to examine.

Charlie spoke his first words since Phil started pulling items out of his folders.

"She kept it." He shook his head in disbelief, "She put half of every child support payment I ever sent into a college fund for you."

I wanted to cry. I always thought my Mom was so flighty – someone that would never have thought of investing the payments that way. Charlie cleared his throat and I could tell he was choking back emotions of his own.

Phil pushed the rest of the folders across the table for me to take.

"The rest is just paperwork I thought you might need. Some of it's copies, since some originals I need to keep for my files.

I opened the last folder he gave me. In the right front pocket was my Mom's original birth certificate. I closed the folder back up and thanked Phil for everything, doing everything in my power to hold back the tears.

Charlie and I asked Phil to stay for lunch, but he said he needed to get going. After a quick hug for me and a quick handshake for Charlie, Phil was gone. He was as good at goodbyes as I was.

I sat back down at the table to look at the checks again. I guess money for college was one less thing I had to worry about. Looking again at my Mom's birth certificate caused a painful realization. I still had all of her things packed up in the Cullen garage. Deciding to rip the band-aid so to speak, I picked up my cell phone and called Edward.

...

_**Saturday, 3 p.m.**_

"Thanks for coming to get me. I didn't want to drive." I tried to smile at Edward as he got out of his car, but the urge to cry was still bubbling on the surface, and I knew I probably didn't succeed with the effort.

"Of course." Edward pulled me into a tight hug, rubbing my back in soothing circles.

I pushed against him slightly, and he broke the hug allowing me to back away just a few steps.

"If I let you comfort me right now I know I'll break down and cry, I can feel it. Just, um, hold that hug for a little later, okay?" I tried smiling again, this time knowing my attempt was an epic fail.

He took my hand into his and gave it a swift kiss before opening the passenger side door for me.

Edward kept quiet as he pulled out of the driveway. I knew he wanted to ask about my morning, but I also knew he was going to wait for me to talk about it. Not wanting to get into that quite yet, I decided to talk about Charlie instead.

I looked out the window as I spoke, "Charlie said he needed to go into the station for a few hours, but I know he just wanted to get out for a bit. Once I told him what I wanted to do for the rest of the day, I think he felt okay leaving knowing I would be with you. I told Charlie I would call him later if I decided to spend the night. He knows what I'm coming over for, and knows your parents are home. Not that I'm sure that would even matter."

I felt a genuine smile teasing my lips and turned my head toward Edward so he could see it as I asked him about Charlie's confession.

"So, I hear you and my Dad had a heart to heart last night?"

Curving his lips up into a slight smile, he answered, "Yes we did. When I dropped you off last night I could hear your Dad's thoughts, sort of. I knew he wanted to talk to me, but I couldn't really tell what exactly it was that he wanted to say. But I could sense the importance of the conversation he wanted to have, so when I said good night to you at the door, I took a little longer than usual leaving. Your Dad finally came outside once you went upstairs to your room. I was in my car at that point, but your Dad motioned to the passenger side of the car and I knew this was something he didn't want to do in front of you."

Edward laced the fingers of his free hand through mine as he continued.

"He seemed a little uncomfortable at first, but I think the darkness of the car helped him find the courage to say more than he would have otherwise. He basically just wanted to know how I felt about you. Protective Dad stuff, though he was very polite about it. I told him how I felt about you and that was about it."

"What do you mean, 'that was about it'?"

"I mean, the conversation really wasn't that long. He just really wanted to hear from me what you meant to me. Once I told him, he seemed at peace with it."

"Edward, you can read minds. You don't really know his reaction?"

Edward looked thoughtful for a moment before answering, "I can read his mind sometimes. And then sometimes it's a bit like listening to a radio through thick static. And then other times, I get nothing at all. I just assumed he wasn't really thinking about anything or didn't have clear thoughts at those times, but maybe he's just a little harder to read for me, maybe it's something that runs in your family."

I thought about that for a moment before asking him to tell me what he said about how he felt.

"How much did you tell Charlie?"

Edward's voice was soft as he replied, "I didn't hold back. I told him everything. How being around you makes colors seem brighter and music sound sweeter. How easily I smile and laugh when you are near me – even if I'm talking to someone else. Just your proximity relaxes me. But at the same time how being near you electrifies me and sometimes even makes me a little nervous, because I'm worried about saying and doing the right things to make you smile. How I analyze every facial expression and shift of your body to read your moods, wanting to make sure you're okay. How your klutziness is absolutely adorable in some ways, but has me constantly worried in others. And how I sometimes fear that my instinct to protect you will one day seem overbearing and force you to pull away from me. And then I told him just a few of the reasons why I love you. That you're stronger than you'll ever give yourself credit for. And despite having gone through all that you have, you still have an immense capacity for compassion and kindness, even for people you don't know. You have a beautiful way of making people see their potential, at least, that's what you do with me."

The tears fell silently down my cheeks at Edward's words. He pulled over into an empty parking lot so he could give me his full attention. Wiping my tears away with his thumbs, he pulled me in close to him, as he continued.

"I told him how crazy it made me when you implied you were somehow weak for showing your emotions, because I knew your reaction – whatever form it took – was more than just a reaction. It was a demonstration of how deeply you felt about a person or a situation. It's not a weakness, but a strength to have the capacity for love that runs deeper than anyone I'd ever met. That kind of heartfelt emotion toward not just certain people, but life in general, it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I told him how much I hate knowing that you don't see yourself the way I do, that you don't even realize that you are the most beautiful creature I have ever been privileged to lay eyes on. And that you are so selfless, always wanting to make other people happy, that my goal – even if it takes the rest of my life – is to make you as happy as you've made me. And...that you were like my own personal gravity, loving you kept me sane, finally grounded to a life I felt detached from before, and as long as you wanted me to, I would be the happiest man walking this earth if I could spend my life loving you with everything I had. "

The silent tears transformed into hiccuped sobs as Edward finished telling me about his conversation. How could this beautiful person holding me not only say, but genuinely think all that he said?

"Edward, I'm a complete mess. A perfectly broken mess. I really don't understand how you can love me the way you do."

Edward let out a sigh. I didn't want him to feel like he needed to convince me, I mean, after hearing everything he said, of course I couldn't have any doubts as to how he felt. But doubts weren't the issue. I knew he loved me. It just didn't make sense to me how someone like me could have ever found someone like him to not only love, but love me in return. And there was something else too, something that had been nagging at me that I still couldn't really put my finger on.

Edward placed a soft kiss on my forehead and then began sweetly singing to me.

"_And I feel,  
>All the faint morning light,<br>Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life,  
>And we've gone,<br>From the edge of our souls,  
>Made it back to a place we call home.<em>

_You, see me through,_  
><em>I was alone in the dark and the fear was my truth.<em>  
><em>Yeah, all the things that you are,<em>  
><em>Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,<em>  
><em>And know that you are everything,<em>  
><em>Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,<em>  
><em>All that you are."<em>

Edward peppered kisses on my cheeks where the tears left stains in between his musical affirmation. He sang the final verse of the Goo Goo Dolls song before singing the chorus to me one last time.

"_You're the sound of redemption,  
>The faith that I've lost,<br>The answers I'm seeking no matter the cost,  
>You opened the window,<br>Now I can see,  
>And you taught me forgiveness by giving your love back to me.<em>

_Yeah, all the things that you are,_  
><em>Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,<em>  
><em>And know that you are everything,<em>  
><em>Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,<em>  
><em>All that you are.<em>

_Oh I feel,_  
><em>All the faint morning light,<em>  
><em>Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life."<em>

If Edward's goal was to get me to stop crying he was failing miserably. But through the hot stream of tears flowing down my cheeks, a smile managed to land on my lips.

"Thank you. And, I'm sorry, it's just – it's been an emotional day for me, and I..." I stopped rambling as my thoughts all came at me at once. 'Thank you' didn't seem like enough. 'I love you' seemed ridiculously overused. But it was the best I had to convey all that I was feeling.

Edward beat me to the punch with a sweet "I love you." as he took my hand in his again.

We sat quietly in the car for awhile until the seemingly bottomless well of tears inside me finally ran dry. After spending what felt like hours in the empty parking lot, Edward pulled back out onto the road and started heading toward his house.

...

_**Saturday, 7:30 p.m.**_

"Bella, what about this?" Jasper was holding up an empty picture frame he had just unwrapped from the box marked "spare room."

I didn't have to think hard about that one, "Donate."

The Cullens were being wonderful. When Edward and I first walked through the door, I couldn't believe what I saw. Empty boxes were everywhere with the words "Keep" and "Donate" written on them. Rosalie had moved all the cars out of the garage to give us more space and they had all taken the pile of boxes and spread them out in the garage in sections to give us plenty of room to work. I wanted to cry all over again when they offered to help me with this very personal task, and I felt completely pathetic for having to fight back more tears.

They had divided themselves up by rooms, which was surprisingly efficient. Jasper had taken the moving boxes marked 'spare room', Emmett took the shed, Esme had the kitchen, Carlisle had any boxes that pertained to paperwork, Rosalie the living room, and Alice had my room. Edward and I were working on my Mom's room.

To their credit, everyone was doing great and was more helpful than I could have imagined. Edward was unwrapping items of my Mom's while I gave the "keep" or "donate" command to anyone that found something they weren't sure about. Carlisle was extremely helpful. I told him I didn't really know what I needed to keep and even what half of the paperwork was. Some of it looked like old pay stubs of my Mom's, insurance info, everything that Phil didn't take initially. He seemed to know exactly what I would need to keep, would possibly want to keep, and what could be shredded. I was immensely grateful for his help and kept telling them all that very sentiment any chance I could. Not that any of them were being real good sports about letting me thank them.

After thanking him for probably the fifth time, Carlisle came over to me, put his hands on my shoulders and said "Bella, we want to help. You really don't have to thank us. Besides, we're the ones who should be thanking you."

Before I could ask him what he could possibly mean by that I saw Edward right behind Carlisle unwrapping my Mom's jewelry box.

"My Mom's bracelet!" I was so excited, I had completely forgotten about her jewelry box! I ran over to Edward and quickly opened the box. My Mom's favorite pieces were in there – her opal dragonfly pendant, her turquoise ring. I lifted open the second section of the jewelry box searching for the bracelet I thought I had lost. But my smile faded as I realized it wasn't there.

I felt the panic set in my stomach. _Where was her bracelet? Why couldn't I find it? How could I have lost something so precious? What kind of daughter loses her Mother's favorite bracelet? What kind of daughter treats her Mom's most personal possessions so carelessly? What kind of daughter can't even keep just one stupid thing of her dead Mother's belongings safe? What kind of daughter?_

"Bella..." Edward reached for me but I backed away. I looked around to find everyone staring at me in shock. As Alice whispered, "We'll find it" more to everyone else than to me I realized my outburst hadn't taken place in my head. I backed out of the garage and ran up the stairs, not really knowing where I was heading, but just needing to get away from where I'd been. My feet found their way to Edward's room and before I could even get inside and close the door, Edward was there.

"Edward, please. Please let me just be alone for a minute. Just, just tell everyone I'm so sorry for how I'm acting. I'm, I ...I know it was really rude after all that everyone is doing. I just, please go tell them, please, that I'm so, so sorry."

I was pushing against him to no avail. Edward wasn't budging an inch. He just stood there and took it as I kept pushing against his chest, willing him to move in the opposite direction. Realizing my physical attempts were futile, I began rambling between sobs.

"Edward, it's you. I can't, the feeling, the nagging, it's you. I just need to be alone, please. I loved her, I still love her, don't you understand? I can't, it's not right for me to, I just, I need to be alone right now. Please, just..." My voice trailed off as I gave up on the pushing and slumped to the floor.

Within a second I was being placed gently on Edward's bed. I felt him stroking my hair and knew he was lying next to me. I kept my eyes closed, trying to make sense of what I was saying. What I wanted to say.

"Edward, I love you, but...I loved her, can you understand? I love her too, she's my Mom, I..."

"Shhh, Bella, it's okay. I know. I know you love her. It's okay..."

Edward continued stroking my hair as my eyes grew heavy. I needed him to understand. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, but that it felt wrong. I wanted to tell him..._I had to tell him_. _I had to explain_... I vaguely heard Edward's sweet voice lowly singing in the background as my mind began shutting down.

"_I don't mind spending everyday  
>Out on the corner in the pourin' rain<br>Look for the girl with the broken smile  
>Ask her if she wants to stay awhile<br>And she will be loved, and she will be loved..."_

_...  
><em>

_**Sunday, 6:17 a.m.**_

The morning light coaxed me out of the coma-like slumber I had been in since sometime last night. It only took a second for me to realize I was waking up in Edward's bed and only another millisecond to realize that Edward was nowhere in the room with me. I tried to recall the previous night's events before I had fallen asleep. I remembered my outburst. I remembered retreating to Edward's room. I remembered him trying to comfort me. And I remembered telling him that the nagging feeling I had been having was about him. I immediately felt sick as I became conscious of not explaining to him why or how I could've ever said such a thing to the person that I love more than life itself.

Too exhausted from the previous day to even think about crying again, I forced myself out of bed and into Edward's bathroom. I was determined to rectify my inarticulate ramblings of the previous day. Edward had to know the nagging feeling I mentioned was about me, not him. I brushed my teeth and washed my face quickly, wanting to talk to Edward as soon as possible to get rid of the knot that had twisted itself in the pit of my stomach.

As I walked out of the bathroom I was greeted by Esme who must have come into Edward's room once she heard I was up.

I figured the best way to start the morning with everyone would be with a much needed apology.

"Esme, I'm so sorry about last night. I hope you know just how much I appreciate all -"

Esme cut me off before I could finish my sentence, "Nonsense, Bella. You have nothing to apologize for. But, do you mind if we sit and talk for a moment?"

I sat down on the edge of Edward's bed and waited as Esme sat down next to me.

Esme patted the hand I had resting on my knee as she spoke, "We have a lot of boxes for you to double check whenever you're ready. Jasper and Alice think they have everything sorted the way you'd want between what you'd prefer keeping and what you'd prefer donating. Personally, I think there are fewer 'keep' boxes than there should be, but I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out just fine."

She pulled something out of her pocket as she continued, "I didn't want to wake you, but as soon as I heard you get up this morning I wanted to make sure I came up. Emmett turned out to be quite the hero last night."

As she placed the sterling silver and azurite cuff bracelet in my hand she explained, "Alice assured us it was the right one. Emmett found it in one of the shed boxes tucked in the bottom of a small hanging basket, believe it or not."

I did believe it. My Mom often put her watch and jewelry she had been wearing inside a basket in the shed when she was doing any kind of yard work. I had given it back to her after all. I looked at the bracelet that brought on such painful emotions for me over the last two days. Although relieved that it wasn't me that had misplaced it, the bracelet had been more of a symbolic representative of the pain I was feeling instead of being the source of it. As Esme patiently sat watching me, waiting for me to say something, I decided she was the perfect person to open up to about what I was feeling.

"Esme, can I tell you something?" Already knowing her answer, I kept talking before I chickened out of saying what I really needed to get off my chest.

"I feel guilty. I feel as though I'm the world's worst daughter and I don't know how to not feel that way. I think for a long time it's been the real reason I needed distance from Edward after the hospital. But even as I asked for the distance, I immediately couldn't bear it. I need Edward. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, and I just can't stop feeling guilty for it. When I almost lost him, the only thing I thought about was that I couldn't lose him. That I had been dealt enough blows already and I wouldn't survive losing him. I didn't _want_ to survive losing him. But, what does that say about me? That I belittle my Mom's loss to the point of thinking of it as just a 'blow'? And sometimes I have to stop myself from imagining what would have happened if I hadn't moved to Forks. I shudder at the thought of not meeting Edward, of not having him in my life. I don't want to imagine that, so what does that mean? That I would have my Mom die over and over again if I had a choice to go back and change things? I'm a horrible daughter! I just can't shake the feeling that loving Edward as much as I do means I loved my Mom less than I thought, less than I should. I really just can't shake the guilt of not wanting to imagine my life without Edward. How can I love them both so much when one doesn't exist for me without losing the other?"

"Oh, sweet Bella!" Esme pulled me into a hug, taking her time to speak as she quietly thought of the right way to answer me. I was relieved that she had patiently waited for me to finish my jumbled thoughts before answering me. And I was even more relieved that I managed to say everything I was thinking without shedding a tear.

"Bella, first, I need to tell you that you are _not_ a horrible daughter. You have so much love inside of you, and I know a great deal of that was a gift passed onto you from your Mother. Without ever having met her, I know she loved you very much. And without you ever having to tell me, I can _see_ that you loved her very much, that you _still_ love her very much, and you always will. No matter what age it happens, losing a parent is never easy. It's never easy to lose anyone you love, but losing a parent is a particularly hard rite of passage that every child wishes they didn't have to live through, but that every parent desperately hopes they do, because as a parent, having your child live through your death means you will never have to live through theirs."

As I sat and listened, Esme continued, "Sometimes I think when the universe gives us really painful experiences to get through, they give us a hand in getting through it. Maybe having Edward come into your life when he did was just the universe's way of trying to help you through losing your Mom. You can love them both, Bella. It doesn't mean you love either of them any less. Maybe if your Mom didn't have her accident you would still be living in Phoenix, but that doesn't mean Edward wouldn't have eventually found his way to you. I don't think the universe could have kept you two apart if it tried. Think of this – Edward would need to go to college for appearance purposes the same year you would've been going to college. What if you two ended up at the same college and met and fell in love there? Just because your life took an unexpected turn to lead to experiences you would've never had otherwise doesn't mean that you wouldn't have had other experiences that led down a similar path eventually. Take Alice and Jasper, for example. Even if Alice hadn't been gifted with her visions, I believe in my heart that those two would have found each other eventually. And I believe the two of them would have found our family eventually. I have to believe that. Because their world doesn't make sense without each other in it, and my world doesn't make sense without _all_ of my children in it."

Esme allowed me a moment to process all of what she said before continuing, "Bella, I don't think you realize just how much your presence has affected my entire family."

She smiled at me as I asked, "What do you mean?"

"This shouldn't come as a surprise, but Edward's moods tend to affect us all. Carlisle, Jasper, and Alice were always hit the hardest, but Rose, Emmett, and I all shared in the pain. See, Edward has always resented our existence, whether he outright admitted it or not. I always worried about him, knowing that with everyone else having a mate he felt more alone than any of us. With the added bonus of getting to hear the thoughts of how happy we were and how much we loved our spouses, well, I just couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of pain that caused. But Jasper didn't have to imagine, he could feel it. Jasper's mirrored moods would sometimes affect the rest of us without him even realizing it or being able to fully control it. Added to that was the constant guilt Carlisle felt for turning Edward so long ago without ever really being able to get Edward to accept what and who he was all this time. Edward never came out and told Carlisle that he resented him, but Carlisle felt it regardless. Knowing that both my son and my husband were suffering because of Edward's unhappiness just placed a heavy burden on my heart that I had no idea how to lift."

Realizing how her words could be interpreted, Esme quickly clarified her point, "I don't want to say having Edward in our lives was a burden, because it wasn't. We all love him unconditionally and we know his love for us is the same. I just always hoped he would find someone that could really show him the beautiful person he was inside that he refused to see. And despite how it must sound, we've all had a lot of fun together over the years. It's just, we didn't know it could be any different. Not until you came along. You've changed him."

I smiled at Esme's explanation. She had a way of putting things that reminded me a lot of my Mom. It wasn't a painful thought to compare the two, but a surprisingly comforting one. I thanked her, gave her a hug, and then went downstairs to finish my apologies and find Edward.

After Emmett almost crushed me with a huge bear hug, he let me know Edward was in the piano room. Once I forced each of them to hear out an apology and thank them for all the help, I quickly went to the room that held the person I needed to see so desperately.

Edward was sitting at the piano but wasn't playing yet. His back was slightly hunched over the keys and his hands seemed frozen as his mind couldn't seem to figure out what to play. He looked up at me as I walked toward him, his eyes searching mine.

An apologetic smile played on my lips, but I wouldn't let myself say the words. Those weren't the words Edward needed to hear. Instead, I sat next to him on the bench, leaned in and pressed my lips against his temple before moving them to meet his lips.

With that quick kiss releasing some of my tension, I let out a heartfelt, "I love you. If I could have anything I wanted, I'd want to have every morning start with a kiss from you. Please don't ever let me wake up without one again."

I smiled into Edward's mouth as I gave him another light kiss before pulling away far enough to look at him.

"I mean it. I missed not having you next to me when I got up this morning."

Edward returned the smile and said, "I thought you might want to be alone when you woke up. I'm really glad Emmett found your Mom's bracelet."

He lightly ran his finger over the center stone of the silver cuff I was now wearing, "It suits you. It's very pretty."

"Thank you. Edward, I need you to know that I didn't, I mean, what I said didn't come out the -"

Edward leaned in to me, pressing his lips against mine, stopping me mid-sentence. Just as our kisses had intensified two nights ago, his kissing quickly took a turn in the same direction while his cool fingers traced their way up under my shirt, dancing across the warm skin of my back.

Between our passionate lip-locking, Edward murmured, "Bella, you have nothing to explain. I knew it wasn't about me."

Edward's lips drifted down my neck, leaving trails of fire and ice everywhere they touched. But before I could fully embrace the moment, Edward seemed to pull himself together. Lightening the pressure of his fingers, the lustful kneading of my back was instantly toned down to a softer caress.

"And for the record, I agree with Esme. I would have found you eventually – no matter what. As long as I've been in this world, sometimes it doesn't even feel like I existed before I met you."

I leaned my head against Edward's shoulder, relaxing completely into him. "Esme reminds me of my Mom a little. Not in personality so much, they're both so one-of-a-kind. But in her words. Esme immediately had me seeing the rationality, or rather, the irrationality of my way of thinking and my Mom had a way of doing that too."

Edward thought about that for a second before saying, "That's funny, because as I was listening to Esme I couldn't stop thinking that she sounded so much like you. I remember a few of our conversations where you had to point out the irrationality of my thinking. If I hadn't been so worried about you, I might have found it comical that Esme seemed to be giving you a taste of your own medicine."

I smiled at Edward's words. He thought I sounded like Esme. I thought Esme sounded like my Mom. I guess in a round-about way, that was the only way for him to be able tell me I had some of my Mom in me since he had never met her. It was nice to hear.

"Will you play me something?"

"I will do anything for you, Bella." Edward turned to me and made sure his words weren't lost on me as just words. "Anything."

Warmth spread through my body as I gazed into his amber eyes. I knew as soon as he said it that he meant it. I answered a quick, "Something to start the perfect day."

Edward gave it a few seconds thought before starting to play. As his fingers floated across the keys, I thought about the meaning of what he had just said. I knew in my heart that Edward was the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Didn't that mean that I was the person he was meant to spend the rest of _his_ life with in turn? I still didn't feel ready to make that kind of decision, but the more I lingered on the question, and the more I watched the muscles in Edward's arms move to the rhythm of his music, I realized that when the time came to make that important decision, I already knew my answer.

_**Chapter End Notes:**_

_Reviews are like candy, and any writer/author/wannabe storyteller who says differently is lying. I am one such wannabe who has a sweet tooth for reviews - feedback is awesome!_


	23. Could I Have Been?

**A/N:**

_**Ch. 23 is told in EPOV. **_

_**Special thanks to AngelGoddess1981 who serves as validation beta over on Twilighted :) **_

_**I know it's been awhile since I've updated this story on here - benefit of having the majority of the story written when first publishing means quick updating... these last couple of chapters will take a little longer ... but only 2 more to go!**_

_**Without further ado...I give you Chapter 23...**_

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 23: Could I Have Been?<strong>

**EPOV**

It was difficult to believe how much has changed in such little time.

Mere months. After existing for over a century, months weren't a part of a time line I was usually able to register. When decades started blending together, it was impossible to keep years distinguishable in my mind, let alone months. _Months_. That's all it took to change my life. That's all it took for _her_ to change my life. _Life_. Was it odd I was even starting to call my existence that now?

_If only. _ If only I could have met her as a human. How would that have changed our lives? Would we still feel as deeply connected as we do now? Would her voice, her smile, her smell – would I still find everything about her undeniably exhilarating? Would the very thought of her light a fire deep inside of me, in a part of myself I never knew existed? What about her? How would it change her? If I were human, would she change her mind and want to have my children? Could I have convinced her to have not one, but two, three, maybe even four little ones? If I were a mere human, would she have been as willing to let me take care of her when she needed help, or would she have pushed me away like those other boys in school? Would she still want to spend her life with me? Will she still want to spend her life with me in a few years? Will she ever want to marry me?

I smiled at how very _human_ I was being right now. Lying in my bed, daydreaming of Bella and all the 'what if' possibilities that could never be, and maybe even some that shouldn't. And it wasn't lost on me that somewhere in my mind, I changed the tenses of my thoughts to the present and maybe even the possible future, despite how much I didn't want to let myself believe in even the faintest of possibilities of Bella wanting to marry me someday. It was the most excruciating kind of pain mixed with the most fulfilling and joyous happiness thinking about my life with Bella. I meant what I said to her a couple of months ago. I would do _anything_ for her. I knew what I was saying when those words left my lips, and I knew as soon as I said them they would be the words that would haunt me the most.

I tried to push those thoughts out of my head. I wanted to hope that Bella would never ask me to change her, but I couldn't. A part of me – a part that was growing in size – had me thinking the most wretched, selfish thought I could muster. I wasn't sure when it happened, but I had to start acknowledging that there was a very significant part of me that was pleading with the gods of fate that Bella would someday ask me to do it. It was time I paid attention to that part of my subconscious so it could be dealt with. So I could prepare myself for how I would respond to Bella. How I_ had_ to respond to her.

I shot out of bed and started pacing the room. I needed a fresh perspective on my thoughts. As I started thinking about the conversation I really wanted to have, I realized there was only one person in the family to have it with.

* * *

><p>"So what are we doing here?" Rosalie asked, as she looked out the car window.<p>

"I wanted to get out of the house. Go somewhere quiet, where we can talk without any interference."

_You mean without any Alice interference._

Rosalie's thoughts made me smile. She was more intuitive than I sometimes gave her credit for.

"So why here? Why the High School?" Rosalie asked out loud.

I wasn't actually sure. I went to her this morning and asked if she would mind talking to me about something..._important._ To my relief she agreed without asking questions, and when I started driving us away from the house, I didn't even realize where I was heading until we pulled into the school parking lot.

_I know you want to talk to me about Bella. You came here because this is where it all started._

I smiled at her thoughts. Again, Rosalie was more perceptive than I gave her credit for. She was right, of course. This _was_ where it all started. Where I met Bella. Where everything changed for me.

"So why me? Why wouldn't you want Alice's input? Or Jasper's for that matter? I would have expected you to go to Carlisle, Esme, even Emmett before coming to me."

Her voice wasn't accusatory. Rosalie seemed genuinely curious. She was right. I would normally have chosen anyone else in the family to talk out a problem of any kind. But this was different. This was something Rosalie had a unique perspective on.

"I needed it to be you. You have a very..._unique_ way of seeing things, and I need that right now."

I blew out a breath I wasn't necessarily holding before slowly speaking the next words it killed me to vocalize.

"And I'm scared. For her. For me. I'm really scared."

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to stay out of Rosalie's head as she formed her thoughts into words.

"You know, Edward, we aren't that much different, you and I. That's why you want my opinion. You and I are far more similar than either of us have ever been willing to admit."

Rosalie smiled at the memory as she thought back to our first meeting and her reaction to Carlisle's plan for us.

_You were insufferable. I was devastated about my stolen life. Together, we would have made each other and everyone around us completely miserable._

Rosalie broke from her silence to put her voice to her next thoughts, "That's why I always saw you as a brother. You were a kindred spirit. An insufferable kindred spirit, but one nonetheless. When I met Emmett, I just knew he would be different. His bigger than life way of just _being_ helped contradict my own feelings. He made me forget about everything I lost. He still makes me forget. It's impossible to not see this existence as one big adventure when you have Emmett in your life, and I needed someone like that. I needed someone that could bring me out of my misery and show me how to take the bad with the good. I'll always need him for that. I can't even imagine wanting to keep going in this world without him with me."

I knew what Rosalie meant. It was funny to think about her and Emmett, and even Alice and Jasper when you looked at them as individuals. They were so different from each other, yet their differences were what made them work so well together.

Rosalie's thoughts broke through my own...

_Bella is that person for you. Without even realizing what she was doing, she helped pull you out of the dark hole you insisted on living in. She brings out the best in you._

I shook my head at Rosalie's thoughts and looked out the window to the school.

"And you do the same for her, Edward. I wouldn't think she could be good for you if I didn't think wholeheartedly that you could be as equally good for her."

Why was Rosalie talking like this? She was supposed to be my voice of reason.

"Rosalie, you hated the idea of me being with Bella. What happened to that? You know better than anyone what being with me actually means for her. I'm scared, Rosalie. I'm terrified she's going to want me to change her and I won't have the will to say no. And at the same time, I'm a mess just thinking of the chance she _won't_ want me to change her. How is that even possible? How could I want to do that to her?"

"I did hate the idea. Of course I did. Here was a normal, healthy young girl that was going through so much in her life already. Had she never met us, had she never met _you_, she would have grown up, getting married, having children, grandchildren, and eventually dying of old age."

I choked on my own thoughts at Rosalie's words. She was right. I ruined Bella's chance for a normal life. How could I ever forgive myself for being so cruel? Wanting to get close to her for my own selfish reasons, not realizing what I was damaging in her own life?

"The problem with that Edward is that none of that may have happened. Bella has admitted she never really wanted children. Her Mom still would have had the accident, and Bella still would have come to Forks and still would have reacted the way she did. That all happened before you met her. She was miserable on her own, and she was comfortable with that misery. She was a loner at school and had no friends. Maybe she would have just moved through her existence instead of actually ever finding a way to really live her life. And who knows how long she would have done that for? Her Mom was taken away at such a young age, who's to say that couldn't have been Bella's fate as well? Not everyone lives a perfect life, Edward. No matter how much you and I seem to believe we would've lived one had we been given the chance. Bella made me realize that. _ That's_ what changed."

I was speechless. Was Rosalie right? Was I beating myself up for taking away a life Bella may never have had anyway? But isn't it wrong enough just knowing there was a chance?

"Edward, I can see the wheels turning. I may not be a mind reader, but I know why you asked me to come with you. You _want_ to hate yourself for loving Bella, because that's who you are, and that's what you do. But you are constantly setting your relationship back every time you do this to yourself. I've watched you guys these past several months. You have to see how happy you make her, everyone can see it and _feel_ it, even without Jasper's help."

Rosalie let out a sigh it sounded she had been holding for hours, "I, more than anyone else, never wanted to be the one to admit this, but she belongs with you. It pains me to say it, because I know what that means. I know what it means for her, even if she really doesn't. But I've given Bella the information she needs to think about what consequences a relationship with you will bring, and knowing it all, she still chose to be with you. Her accepting you, accepting all of us, it's her acceptance of what we are that makes her your perfect match. Don't you get it? That's why our relationships all work as well as they do. We've all found someone that compliments us in the most complete way. And that's why our family works so well together too. The seven of us, we just, _work. _And I've come to realize that Bella is the missing link for not just you, but for all of us."

I turned to Rosalie and really looked at her. I always knew my sister was more insightful than she let on, having the privilege of hearing her thoughts uncensored, but I wasn't expecting this for our conversation. I wanted her to shake my senses back to how they were a year ago. I wanted her to tell me I was being a complete jackass for even_ thinking_ of taking Bella's life from her. I wanted her to tell me what a miserable piece of shit I was for even worming my way into Bella's life in the first place, and ultimately worming my way into her heart. But it was hard to feel disappointment as her voice broke the silence and continued to make devastating sense.

"It's funny, isn't it? How we've all managed to find someone that helps us get past our greatest obstacles? Jasper couldn't think positively about a future he wasn't even sure he'd have after all the battles and what happened with Maria. Until Alice literally danced into his life and showed him that not only did he have a future to look forward to without the fighting, but that she would be right there with him in it. And with Alice, having Jasper just believe in her and what she was offering him, allowed her to forget thinking about a past she couldn't remember, and allowed her to focus on the reality of her present and the possibilities of her future."

I decided to join in on Rosalie's train of thought. It was oddly comforting to think about our family and the way the dynamics between everyone just_ worked._

"And Carlisle and Esme. After living his life alone for so long, she was the companion he really needed," I offered.

Rosalie disagreed, "Sure, she helped him with that. But he already had you. I think it was more than that. I think it was more of what he did for _her. _ Esme was willing to give up her life after losing a child. Carlisle not only was able to give her a motherly role with you immediately, but he eventually gave her two more with me and Emmett. And companionship is what Carlisle needed the most. He started giving himself what he needed with you, Esme, and eventually me and Emmett, but it's Esme that is the glue that holds the seven of us together. I'm not saying we don't love each other and wouldn't come back to each other often on our own, but..."

I cut Rosalie off, because I knew what she meant, "I know. It was like that for me too. I love everyone in our family, but when I'm gone, it's Esme that makes me want to come back, knowing my absence hurts her, even if just by her missing me. She's such a hard person to disappoint, and such an easy person to be around. It's hard to not want to come back to that."

Rosalie smiled and let out a light, "exactly" before continuing, "but that's what Esme does for Carlisle, I think. He may have been the one responsible for making us his companions, but she's the one who keeps us together. She needed the children he gave her, and he needed the companionship of a real family that she effectively maintains. They really do bring out the best in each other, don't they?"

I smiled and nodded at Rosalie's take on our pseudo-parents relationship.

Rosalie continued by bringing up the reason for our conversation, "Accepting what you are is your biggest struggle, Edward. I meant what I said earlier. She accepts you unconditionally. She knows _everything_ about you, and she loves and accepts it all. Esme was right when she said you two would've eventually found each other, because you belong with each other. She's your missing puzzle piece. I know acceptance is hard for you, but you _have_ to learn to at least accept that she's meant to be with you."

"What if I do accept that Rosalie? What if I let myself accept that she's meant to be with me, and what if once I've done that she realizes that it's not worth it? What if she realizes it's not worth her having to give up her life? That being with me will cost her too much? What do I do then?"

"Then you'll deal with it, and you'll let her go if that's what she wants because you love her enough to do what's best for her. And we'll all be here for you if that happens."

Without waiting for me to answer, she continued, "But that won't happen, Edward. She's going to choose to be with you. She knows what she's giving up, she knows what she's getting into, and it's not going to matter. She's still going to choose to be with you. And _that's_ what you're really going to have to deal with."

Rosalie's voice was gentle and she looked at me sympathetically. She was right about us. We were much more similar than either of us admitted. And Rosalie, more than anyone else in the family, understood how my relationship with Bella could feel both triumphant and tragic, an exhausting paradox I was frankly quite tired of living.

* * *

><p>I pressed my lips gently into the soft flesh of her cheek. Inhaling, I got lost in her scent. Strawberries, freesia, vanilla, and spearmint – the mingled aromas of her shampoo, toothpaste, and blood all rolled into one intoxicating combination.<p>

I skimmed my lips lightly over her ear as I whispered, "You look beautiful."

Bella was wearing a turquoise cap-sleeve button up shirt with black shorts, and she really did look beautiful. But then, I thought she looked beautiful all the time, no matter what she was wearing. I'll admit I'm biased, but that doesn't take away from her beauty.

It had been precisely twenty-nine hours and thirteen minutes since we were last together, and I couldn't wait to spend the evening with her on our date. After taking Bella out to breakfast yesterday, I left her to have time alone to spend with her Dad while I went out hunting with my family. It had been a long time since we all went out hunting together, and I knew Charlie was looking forward to his first day off in awhile to spend with Bella. It had literally been the first day in five weeks that we didn't spend together.

Tonight I was taking Bella to dinner and a movie. All summer I had been taking advantage of not having school nights to court her in a manner I felt consistent with how I would have dated in the early 1900's. Of course, the movie and dinner date was a substantially evolved version of the kind of dating I would have done when I was human, but I couldn't very well ask Charlie or Angela to chaperone my time with Bella in the twenty first century. And as old-fashioned as I often feel, I'll be the first to admit I've enjoyed watching society become more progressive. As much as I enjoy taking Bella on hikes to our meadow and walks along the beach, I know I would enjoy them just a little less if we always had an audience during them.

Bella was being a good sport and didn't _seem_ to mind my desire to spoil her. But I had noticed on more than one occasion that she would opt for a less expensive option when given the choice. When I asked her if there were any activities she'd like to do, she usually offered going to the beach for walks, taking a drive through the mountains, or another equally cost-free activity. At first I thought her simple and quaint date choices were a way to humor my nostalgic side, but then I noticed other things. She seemed equally conscious of her meal choices, but I honestly couldn't be sure if it was because she was wary of me spending so much money on her or if she really just did prefer the cheapest item on the menu.

Now that I had taken her to another restaurant in Port Angeles, I was hoping there was nothing to my theory about Bella's timidity toward my money. Anxious to hear what she was about to order, I watched as she took her time looking over the menu. Bella's distraction provided the perfect opportunity for me to study her expressions as she looked over her many choices. Her brows furrowed in the most adorable way as she scanned the descriptions. It was times like these when I sometimes wished I could choose certain moments to hear the thoughts floating around in her pretty little head. I absentmindedly swallowed as I watched her pull her bottom lip between her teeth in what I knew to be a contemplative look. I was about to tell her to order anything she was hungry for like I had done almost every other night we'd gone out to a restaurant when she closed her menu signaling she had made up her mind.

The waiter noticed the action at that same moment and walked over to our table to take our order.

"I'd just like a bowl of the Chicken Gumbo, please?" Bella asked the waiter as she looked up at him and smiled.

How the young man could not be knocked off his feet by that smile, I'll never understand. Miraculously enough, he was able to look away from Bella and ask me what I'd like to order.

"Crawfish etouffee. And an order of your andouille sausage red beans and rice."

Bella gave the waiter a chance to leave before rolling her eyes at my order.

"Edward, I can't possibly eat all of that for lunch tomorrow, and how do you even know I'll like any of it? What exactly is ay-too-fay, anyway?"

I tried to not laugh, but she just made it so hard. Her face had contorted into the cutest pout and her nose was scrunched up in a way that told me she already was going to be wary of tasting what I ordered for her.

"Bella, we made this agreement at the beginning of the summer – I'm living vicariously through you. A different restaurant each time we go out to eat, and I'll order something off the menu you would never order so you can try it the next day for lunch, and tell me how it tastes. Etouffee is a Louisiana favorite, and I think you'll love it. But, I recommend reheating it tomorrow in a skillet instead of using that microwave so it retains some of its consistency."

My comments only brought on another eye roll from Bella, although this one was accompanied by a melodic laugh instead of an exasperated sigh.

"Edward, you say that _every_ time we go out for dinner. What could you possibly have against nuking food? Have you ever even used a microwave?"

"I just don't think carefully crafted dietary sustenance should be _nuked_, as you call it. And of course not, microwaves belong in a space station, not a kitchen."

I tried to keep my face in check and not crack a smile, but I couldn't help it once Bella let loose a few bubbly giggles at my choice of words.

"Carefully crafted dietary sustenance? Really? Couldn't just say food, could you?"

I loved speaking to Bella in a way that made her smile and laugh. It was almost as rewarding as the reactions I received from singing to her. But then again, I loved doing _anything_ that coaxed those types of reactions from Bella. Wanting to feel a reaction of my own, I reached across the table to brush my thumb against her cheek. Every single time I touched Bella's skin I felt my own skin come alive with electricity at the contact. It wasn't possible, I knew, but I couldn't help feel like touching Bella was a conduit to life for me. She leaned her face into my palm and let her eyes drift close as a relaxed smile played on her lips.

The tilt of her head caused strands of hair to fall to her face. With my free hand I reached up and gently tucked them back behind her ear, and immediately relished the rising heat I felt radiating from her cheek. Her beautiful blush was another one of my favorite responses to illicit from her. In these moments it was so incredibly easy for me to get distracted from any thoughts I had prior to touching her.

The waiter bringing out our food snapped me back to the present. I let my hand linger on her cheek, not wanting to break contact yet, but the waiter's interruption reminded me of my thoughts from earlier. She had picked another low cost item off the menu and I just had to know if it was an issue we needed to work out or not.

"Bella? Why did you order the chicken gumbo?"

Bella placed her hand over mine, keeping it firmly in place against her cheek. She took a deep breath and slowly opened her eyes, meeting mine hesitantly.

"I know why you're asking. Don't be upset. I know you can afford it, it's just, I feel bad about you spending so much money on me. At least, until I can spend some money on you too. It's just, we have a whole year before we go to college, and aside from a little I held out, I put all of the money from, um, _Mom_ into a savings account specifically for use during college. I just, I don't want you to keep spending money on me until I can reciprocate. And, I don't need expensive things, Edward. Spending time with you is rich enough."

Bella knew the exact words that would illicit smiles out of me too. How could I not smile at that? She was such a beautiful person, both inside and out, and if I had a real breath to take away, I would probably need an oxygen tank to be with her. That was the kind of thing that was too cheesy to say out loud, and probably too cheesy to even think, but it felt true. She just took my breath away _that_ much. It was in these moments that I had to remember we were in public. I desperately wanted to pick her up, spin her around and plant kisses all over her face and neck. Wait, did she tell me not to be upset?

"Bella, I could _never_ be upset with you. _Ever. _ I don't ever want you to feel hesitant about opening up to me or telling me how you feel. If anything, I don't want you to feel I'm buying your affections or make you feel uncomfortable in any way. I just genuinely don't even think about the money. It's just that I want to do everything and anything with you. I want to share life's experiences with you, and most of those experiences come with a cost. A cost completely inconsequential to me. Trust me, nothing we've done this summer has even skimmed the surface..."

Bella quirked her eyebrow at me, stopping me mid-sentence. Wait, did she think I was bragging? I quickly changed the direction of my words.

"Um, what I mean is that I'm in no danger of putting myself in a financial bind by spoiling you. But I understand completely if you'd prefer us continuing to do activities that are relatively inexpensive. But Bella, I hope you know that I consider what's mine to be yours. I've shared my heart with you and what you believe to be my soul. Everything I have, everything I _am_, is yours."

Bella just held my hands and smiled at me. It was a sight I could never get tired of.

"Of course I don't think you're buying my affections, Edward. I love you sweetheart, and I know you love me. You have my heart and soul too. I realize money is just something you've grown accustomed to not even paying attention to, but I'm just not wired that way. At least, not yet. Maybe after a century of living with a bottomless disposable income, I'll change my views on the matter."

My breath caught in my throat at her words. She was smiling so warmly at me and didn't even seem to notice the effect her words were having on me.

"A century, huh?"

I smirked at her teasingly, wondering if her comment was to be taken as a playful mocking of me and not meant to be taken as a serious indication of her intentions.

"Okay, you got me. It may take a century and a half," she quipped.

That beautiful blush crept back into her cheeks and down her neck, a clear indicator in how her words should be interpreted. She was being playful, yes, but she was also being genuine. It was an odd feeling to be affected by such a silly statement, but if I had functioning tear ducts, I knew I would be shedding a significant amount of tears right now.

As I contemplated my inactive tear ducts, I came to a greater realization. The urge to cry at Bella's statement was out of sheer love and joy. I felt _happy_, and I felt so utterly elated that I couldn't even begin to ponder the consequences. In this moment, there just didn't seem to _be_ any consequences of Bella's statement.

Bella finished up her gumbo while I had been lost in thought. Bringing my focus back to the present, Bella wrapped my hand between hers as she delicately changed the subject.

"So, since you brought up spending, I thought it would be a good time to mention that I need you to promise me to take it easy for my birthday, and I'm hoping you'll help me convince everyone else, especially Alice, to keep it low-key as well?"

Uh oh. I already had something planned for Bella, and there was no way she would consider it low key.

"Um, would it make you feel better if I told you that your birthday gift has already been taken care of?"

Bella's eyes grew wide and she let out a soft whine that still sounded musical coming from her.

"_Edward!_ You guys don't celebrate birthdays! It's not fair for you guys to get me anything, and my birthday isn't for another month! I thought for sure if I talked about it now I was doing it plenty of time in advance..."

Her voice trailed off as I leaned in and pressed my lips into hers, letting my tongue take a quick taste of her bottom lip she loved pouting so adorably.

I glanced at my watch and had to suppress a smile. Bella and I had developed a lovely habit this summer of talking so much during dinner that we stayed longer so she could finish eating, causing us to miss several of our movies. And we had done it again.

After I settled the bill with the waiter and grabbed our doggy bags, I took Bella's hand and led her out to my car.

"Edward, please promise me you'll talk to your family for me? Especially Alice. Please, I don't want my birthday to be a big deal. Promise me that your family will keep it light?"

My girl was turning eighteen. If she thought for one second that I was going to take that milestone lightly, she didn't know me at all. And if she thought anything I said or did could deter my sister from celebrating _anything_ properly, she didn't know Alice at all. As I started the car I stole a glance at Bella and chuckled. Judging by the size of her eyes, I was guessing she knew it was a lost cause. I wanted to ease her worries, but the truth was that Alice was the least of her problems. I had been planning Bella's birthday for months.

Knowing it wouldn't be a lie, I said in all sincerity, "Bella, I promise my family will go easy on you for your birthday. Does that make you feel better?"

She breathed a little more steady, but gave an uncertain nod before her eyes grew even wider.

"Edward, promise me that _you'll_ go easy too. I'm serious. I just want to keep it simple this year. You said you already had my gift taken care of. Please, tell me it isn't anything over the top?"

She was so darn cute when she reacted like this. Her birthday had taken _a lot_ of careful planning. I had to consult with Alice regularly to make sure the weekend would go off without a hitch. I had to get Charlie in on the planning since I needed his permission for essentially kidnapping Bella. Emmett and Jasper helped scope out the surrounding area for potential problems during the weekend. And Carlisle was working on one of his connections to help me with the surprise part of Bella's gift. It was all coming together perfectly, and even though Bella was freaking out a little about it now, I was hoping with a fair amount of confidence that this birthday would be one of Bella's most memorable. But she wanted me to tell her something to make her feel better, and I didn't know what I could say that would calm her.

"Bella, what if I just promise that we are doing something for your birthday that you'll love and enjoy?"

She shook her head, but her lips curved up in a tell-tale smile.

"Okay, so my gift is an activity, and not a _thing_, so that's something. Will you give me a hint and tell me what we're doing?"

Her sweet smile didn't fool me, but I decided to humor her. Wanting to disarm her little and help persuade her to go easy on me, I decided to sing some hints. Thinking of some random lyrics from several different songs pieced together, I just started singing as I drove us back to Forks.

_"Give me love, big as a mountain  
>Oh oh oh, yea<br>I ring the bell til someone listens  
>Melt your words right to my skin<br>And your smile, my flesh and bones  
>From the mountains I will sing to you<br>Through your veins my river flows._

_Sing and dance  
>I'll play for you tonight<br>The thrill of it all  
>Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes<br>But I'll work it out  
>And then I<br>Look up at the sky  
>My mouth is open wide and lick and taste<br>What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying?  
>Turn turn we almost become dizzy.<em>

_Celebrate we will  
>Because life is short but sweet for certain."<em>

As I pulled into Bella's driveway, I sang the last verse that I knew would make her smile and what I thought would be the final clue she needed.

_"It's a nickel or a dime for what I've done  
>the truth is that I don't really care<br>For such a lovely crime I'll do the time  
>You better lock me up I'll do it again<br>I did it...  
>Do you think I've gone too far?<em>  
><em>I did it...<em>  
><em>Guilty as charged<em>  
><em>I did it...<em>  
><em>It was me right or wrong."<em>

Leaning in toward Bella, I whispered the last line slowly and seductively in her ear.

_"I did it."_

I felt her shiver and smiled. I pulled my face back enough to be able to look in her eyes. She was smiling until she started putting the pieces together.

"Edward? Are you taking me on a plane or a helicopter ride? Please tell me you aren't taking me sky diving or something equally crazy?"

Bella's worried look had me laughing out loud, despite my best efforts to restrain myself. I wasn't sure how she came to that conclusion, but she was far off from what we were going to do.

"Bella, do I seem like the kind of_ person_ that would have his very fragile human girlfriend jump out of a plane or anything equally dangerous?"

Another smile teased her lips as she let out a sigh.

"No, and knowing you, you've already cleared whatever you have planned with Charlie, and he's not the kind of Dad that would let me do any of that stuff either."

Before I could agree with her assessment of her Dad, she continued in almost a whisper, "I guess I'll have to wait until I'm a little less _fragile_ before having those kind of experiences."

I forced my face to not show a reaction. I was determined to not let Bella know what her saying things like that did to me. I didn't want to influence her in anyway, but it was becoming difficult to hide my feelings. Now that I had finally acknowledged what I hoped Bella would choose, I was determined to not give her any indication of how I felt one way or the other. It had to be something she wanted independently from how I felt. I wouldn't let her choose this for _me_, it had to be something she decided she wanted for herself.

As usual, I wasn't ready to say goodnight to Bella so I walked her to her door before heading up to her room through the window. I knew it was wrong of me to deliberately deceive Charlie after he had been so supportive and open with me, but I was confident he wouldn't understand my need to just be with her every night. And I hoped that in some round-about way, the fact that I was abstaining from physical intimacy with Bella while she was under Charlie's care would alleviate some of my guilt where he was concerned. The truth was that I genuinely respected Charlie, and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize the respect I knew he had for me. He loved Bella and was a wonderful father to her. And as much as I loved Bella and wanted to share every experience with her that two people in love are meant to share, just being able to hold her every night was enough for me.

My thoughts were silenced as Bella walked into her bedroom after getting changed in the bathroom. She had a lavender and blue flannel pajamas set on, her beautiful chocolate colored hair brushed out and falling loosely over her shoulders. I pulled the comforter and sheets back on her bed and climbed in, opening the side up so she could climb in under the covers next to me. While Bella snuggled up against my chest and drifted off to sleep, I pulled her body in tightly against mine.

As Bella fell into a deep sleep, my thoughts pounded through my head like a freight train. But only one particular thought ran through my mind on a tortuous loop: I was never going to be ready to let Bella go. Rosalie was wrong. If Bella decided not to choose this life with me, yes, I loved her enough to respect her decision, but I would never be able to _deal_ with it. If Bella made the decision to grow old and live out her human life, I would love her from a distance and allow her to do that. I would want her to be happy and wouldn't interfere. But when the time came for Bella to leave this world, I knew I would have no choice but to leave it with her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>End Notes:<strong>_

_**The songs Edward stole lyrics from to sing to Bella were all from the Dave Matthews Band and were (in order):**_

_**1. Beach Ball  
>2. Dancing Nancies<br>3. Two Step  
>4. I Did It.<strong>_

_**Can you guess what Edward has planned for Bella's birthday? One more chappie to go, then the Epilogue!**_


End file.
